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Showing posts from June, 2016

I will never get laid

>get invited to a party of some friend
>"dude here is a ton of chicks here, you should finally get to know someone man"
>alright, shower, dress up, lock down inner sperg
>arrive at party and immediately play beer pong to warm up
>feel confident enough and speak with the girls there
>a night which changed my outlook on everything and finally catapulted me into misanthropy begins

Attempt one:
>a cute, blue eyed blonde with nice tits and short hair
>already know her

Something that I'll never forget

Alright guys, this is something that I'll never forget. This just happened to me.

>be me, collegefag
>get woken up at 5am to my elderly neighbor, Ned, (not real name) yelling "some one help me!"
>go outside, Ned says that his partner needs help
>go inside his house, his boyfriend is clearly dead
>his blue eyes were open and his mouth was open
>that was an image that will remain burned in my memory forever
>checking for his non-existent heartbeat was one of the worst things that I've ever had to make myself do
>call 911 and paramedics show up
>sit with Ned as he cries


>grow up with single mom
>she's a 10/10
>constantly fap to her but never have the courage to sneak a peak or anything
>be 22 still living at home
>she gets married to a rich old alcoholic
>he has a 15 year old Chad as a son
>taller than me
>bigger than me
>straight A student
>mom starts getting closer and closer to him like he's her own son
>she's becoming friends with the other school moms
>driving him to school, football practice, etc.
>they're always hugging and talking

Backstabbing friend

>2 years ago
>get introduced to a girl by a friend over the internet
>eventually become best friends with her
>we start dating
>she's a teen at the time and there's a long distance between us
>we meet up twice
>first time we meet is amazing, second time is mediocre
>fast forward to present, a few months ago we start talking again
>get close again
>start falling for her
>tell my best friend I met a year earlier that I love her
>start sending him a barrage of loving stuff about her
>some sexual stuff, though it was meant to be taken as a joke
>the day before yesterday, we're closer than ever
>he tells her that I love her

In a European strip club

>Staying with friend in Europe
>Both of us at pub drinking pints
>He decides to head back to his apartment
>I tell him I'll catch up with him in an hour
>Actually really horny and want to find a brothel
>Figure I can lose my virginity to some European prostitute
>End up at strip club
>Instead of having fun I pour my guts out over how miserable I am to the strippers
>They're sorta sympathetic but it's probably fake
>One of them tries to flirtilly undress me
>Takes my hat and disappears
>I try to ask where my hat's gone but can't get a straight answer
>Decide to pretend to cry and make them feel sorry for me
>Start actually crying instead
>Can't stop crying

Taking the bus to cringeville

>waiting at bus station after long day
>suddenly from my left comes Chad on his bicycle, on his way to fuck my oneitis no doubt
>Chad: "oh 'sup dude?"
>"good, you?"
>"yeah, umm-"
>I desperately try to find something funny to say to keep the conversation going because for some reason he isn't going away
>midway through whatever dumb shit I'd figured I'd say I spot some kinetic movement from a surprisingly large area of my field of view
>it's a young mother with a baby carriage struggling to take it on the bus which I hadn't even noticed had arrived
>she's been asking for help for a short while now and I haven't head anything at all either
>I know I should help her but it's at this moment I realize I don't even have enough money for a bus ride

The Fleshlight in the glove compartment

greentext/story time

english is not my native language so please bare with me

>after several months of no gf, decide to buy a fleshlight online
>i talk about it to my close friend as kind of a joke, he laughs and says he would buy one aswell
>we order two pussies, but since i live with my parents we order to his house (he lives alone)
>the week after friend calls me that pussies have arrived
>go to his house that same evening to retrieve my pussy
>have to wait till late to return home so my parents are asleep and so i can sneak the pussy into the house undetected
>that same night, i decide to give it a try

I want your baby

>be me
>22 year old
>living off of inheritance money
>no family
>broke up with 3 year long relationship with high school sweetheart
>things were getting rocky
>time to move on I suppose
>stop by McDonald's to eat after college classes
>meet cute as fuck cashier girl
>short blonde hair, blue green eyes, nice ass, petite and /fit/
>we both are tongue tied
>she forgets to ask me what I want
>I forget how to talk for a moment
>love at first sight?

I lost to a girl

> >about a year ago
> >have group of friends who play destiny
> >girl who is friends with a friend starts playing with us
> >plays more and more
> >hate girls who play vidya
> >tolerate her less and less
> >half of the group is orbiting her more or less
> >she is really good and I am last or second to last in games
> >always get in arguments with her, but end up looking dumb because I do bad in games
> >resort to sexist and misogynistic insults
> >look her up on Facebook, she is pretty athletic looking freshman in college, seems to be a stacey, 8/10
> >plays volleyball and seems outgoing

Doing more drugs with Jimbo

Drug stories thread

Alright niggers, heres the story of my first time tripping on morning glory seeds. Its not pre-typed so if you want it keep the thread alive.

>Be me once upon a time
>be 19
>with two friends, lets call them Steve and Jimbo
>Jimbo is moving to the other side of the state in two days
>Decide we want to celebrate before he leaves
>Waiting on an LSD contact, but it didn't come through
>Steve says "Hey what about trying seeds?"
> yeh, why not
>we go to walmart, in in the garden section and grab 18 packs of morning glory seeds
>head to self checkout, start scanning
>Scan one, set it in bagging area

I want tendies

>Wake up at 9pm after a particularly exhausting Minecraft session
>tummy is making hungry noises
>navigate my way out of my room through the piles of weewee jugs and trash
>make my way downstairs, peek into the living room
>mummy and new daddy are doing a special backwards hug on the sofa like uncle phil showed me once
>new daddy is making funny sounds like a steam train
>don't care, hungry
>mummy screams, new daddy swears and nearly falls off the sofa like a silly
>says to mummy "why is that retard still living here, isn't he like 30"
>I don't like being called a retard

Humiliated by Chad

Post humiliating stories that you were a part off. I'll start

>a manlet
>get a date through my mom
>talk to her over text's
>think she's fat
>finaly on the day of the date we met
>she's not fat but really cute 8/10 at least
>we go to the local restaurant
>we eat
>after she suggests we go to a party of some of the people she knew
>about 50 people there
>we start drinking
>all of a suden this Chad comes to our spot where we've been drinking
>he asks my date if she would like to dance
>since I'm not a dancer I let her go

Trashy waitress

>Cocktail waitress at work staring at me all day
>Never acknowledge her, don't notice her openly
>She starts trying to get my attention, being really friendly, trying to "startle" me in a cute way
>I naturally trivialize everyone I meet into meaningless illusions so I don't have to care about them
>but she keeps persisting
>"Hey can I add you on Facebook anon?"
>Look at her Facebook
>Notice I look like a young version of her ex
>"Hey anon I don't have a ride can I go with you?"
>"Hey anon want to go to this haunted house with me, it will be so much fun"
>"Hey anon want to get sushi tomorrow?"
>Not even interested in her romantically, just nice that somebody wants to be my friend
>"sure ok"

Doing drugs with Jimbo

>be me again
>be 19 again
>be with Steve and Jimbo again
>be in Jimbo's apartment
>Jimbo just had a falling out with his girlfriend
> a few days earlier we purchased 4 tabs from some co-worker of jimbo's
>I was going to be the only one doing it that night
>I take my tab at about 8pm
>about 35 minutes pass, Jimbo says fuck it and takes his even though he works the next day
>another 20 minutes pass
>I think its starting to come on
>start feeling bubbly/happy
>everything is very vivid, almost like HD

Heartless Chad Thundercock

Hi robots,

I'm gonna tell you story about how fucking heartless chads are. This is a true story and I swear there is no exaggeration whatsoever in it.

>be a simple guy, 5'9 Manlet, KV, fit but average face and horrible self esteem.
>met a friend a the bar
>he brought his coworker "Chad"
>he is the embodiment of chad. Tall(around 6'1), handsome, extremely confident, etc...
>we started talking about politics and stuff
>We hit it off pretty well
>me and Chad became friends
>I even had to go all the way to his house to help him move to his new house
>go to the park (huge one)every night to do my daily calisthenics
>one day a girl came up to me

Help me

>Mom died right when I was born
>Grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before i was born
>Growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister
>Be 17 or 18
>Notice that my sister is a hottie
>Accidentally found a video that she made of herself
>I thought she was so fucking beautiful that I watched it twice
>Would have watched it a lot more, but crazy shit went down and I had to leave home
>At this point, totally lusting after my sister
>She was also having bad trouble with the law

How to deal with a spoiled kid

>be kindergarten teacher in China
>mostly fun and rewarding job but some children are spoiled little shits.
>one in particular has little emperor syndrome. Bites other teachers, throws tantrums, destroys teaching materials etc.
>talk to his mother. She says he can do as he likes as long as he comes home happy each day. If teachers don't like being bitten then they should quit.
>evil plan.rmb
>come to work one day with the worst stomach ever. Can't stop farting. Decide to walk past kid and see how many silent but violents I can do near him.
>every time I do one I sniff loudly and ask if it was him. Other kids can hear me ask him and start pointing and laughing.

Son, I am disapoint

>be me
>minding my own business whacking my dick off in front of the computer as normal
>parents yelling in kitchen
>few minutes go by
>footsteps approaching
>oh my god no
>gotta get this nut first so close
>they're still coming
>I need this nut like I've never needed one in my life
>past the point of no return when I hear the door opening
>"Anon this is rediculous, you're going to have to find a-"
>start screaming to drown out the sound of the porn but don't put my dick away fast enough and actually shoot onto the monitor
>mom shrieks in horror and runs out crying

Cruel ploy

>Teacher puts me on the roster for applicable students
>See list in Homeroom, nearly pass out
>Hear everyone in front of the class whispering my name
>Walk out, tell administration I don't want to be on the list, they tell me its no big deal
>Too big of a socially retarded quiet pussy to say anything
>Try to back down, Dean says no, people MUST like me If I got picked
>Nobody liked me, it was all a ploy to elect the quiet kid everyone bullied since in elementary school to the point he had to go to be put on medication to cope with the day
>Told to dress up

Masturbating at work

>Be me
>19 yo kissless virgin
>work at Papa Murphy's
>shit job, good pay
>pretty much jack off whenever i fucking can
>probably beat my dick a good 20 times a day, not fucking kidding
>It passes time and feels good
>at work today
>coworker calls in sick so i'm opening to close alone
>slow as fuck like every Monday
>re-watching kill la kill for the 1000th time on my computer
>chillin' like a cool kid
>all a sudden

Pol’s nightmare

>be 30 year old virgin
>finally get qt 7/10 gf
>go to the department of rape prevention
>Fathima behind the counter asks me if I need a consent form
>i reply with a yes
>she responds: "wat waz dat whitey?"
>i look down and stutter out "y-yes mam, s-sorry mam, I would like to apply for a sexual service license"
>Fathima responds: "there is a limited amount issued to white cis-scum, but ever since the mass suicide of cis males last November we have a surplus. It's your lucky day whitey!"

>my ptsd is triggered as I am reminded of the horrors of that fateful day in November
>Chancellor Hillary had just been re-elected for a third term

The girl I like

not really rejection but still hit as hard
>be me, 13
>play a metric fuckton of halo
>play halo 3 once it comes out
>made a couple of good friends through xbox live, 3 of which I met in person because they so convienently lived close to me
>one of them is some girl
>is essentially me, sharing the same shitty tastes in games, anime, hell, even literature and is a month or so older
>we keep in touch and eventually meet a couple times
>2 year timeskip, lose nearly all other online friends to real life
>get evicted from apartment because it needs to be renovated
>move into a somewhat nicer house, in a different school district though


only 2 women on earth have ever seen my penis and both of them cried because of it

>slutty asian grill has a fixation with me
>she's really cute, thick booty and huge perky tits
>im dense as fuck and can't tell she's trying to bone me even though she asked if im a virgin and told me she knows how to cure that problem
>after a couple months of hanging out with her she puts her hand on the inside of my thigh and pushes her tits into my face
>asks me how big my dick is
>"ive never measured it"
>she pulls out a fucking tape measure and winks at me, then kisses me
>make out for a while, become diamonds

I'm coming for you, Rick

> be 2006
>make friend, we'll call him Rick
>Rick becomes best friend
>Feel sorry for Rick because poor and parents died when he was young
>We hang out, go to clubs and pick up women
>Rick gets in trouble for stealing
>Bail Rick out of jail and pay his legal fees
>Take him back and forth to weekend jail
>ask nothing in return
>2008 I meet a girl fall in love and get marrried
>Rick is best man
>2009 Wife leaves one day can't find her
>Call wifes family and tell them she's missing
>Wifes aunt breaks down and says she can't lie anymore
>Tells me wife ran off with Rick


my grandfather Has had some trouble recently with dementia and Alzheimer's, and I would really want to tell you guys about his recent behavior

My grandpa is my hero, he was in ww2, raised two boys, and worked his ass off to make sure they lived a better life than him. He taught me how to play golf and how to throw a baseball the proper way (my dad really taught me, but my grandpa gave me some great pointers)
>Be me
>2-3 weeks ago maybe
>grandpa lives with uncle, like 3 minutes away
>all uncles kids dont live with him anymore, and since they were all triplets and share the same room, my grandpa got that room

My mom's massage

> Be 12
> Single mom, just us in the house
> She makes us go to church every sunday
> One time hear that Sally couldn't go to church one day because she was getting period cramps
> Wtf is that
> Decide to try it
> A month later, really don't want to go to church
> Tell mom I have cramps, might be on my "period"
> She looks confused at me
> "Is it your time of the month?" she asks jokingly
> I respond yes
> she says oh no, well we better get you cleaned up then
> Unsure what she means
> Tells me to meet her in the bathroom

Jacob the tard

I've got few stories about a tard from my school .Hope you'll like them! (Its him on the picture)

>One day before PE at the changing room whole class is chillin
>Jacob as a tard he is he goes to people and talks about his pigs,farm all that shit
>When someone starts questioning his knowledge about agriculture he gets angry
>Not normal angry but full tard rage,all that spitting swearing biting full package
>We had kid in our class that small and weak guy.His name was Daniel
>Our precious little tard started talking to him
>Daniel politely told Jacob to fuck off

I will kill

Friday is the day /b/
I'm going to end someone's life

> Be me
> Be 7
> Parents leave me behind in The Netherlands
> Live life in institutes with retarded children who have behaviour problems
> Tested fairly intelligent
> Forced to go to retarded school for retarded children
> Be 17
> Get the chance to live on myself through a foster cooperation
> Agree later finding out this cooperation is frauding with PGB

Stalker Weeaboo

>be me
>13 at the time
>no friends total nerd
>run home everyday to go on video game chat rooms
>meet online group
>small group 2 dudes 1 chick
>make friends with group
>1 chick 1 dude together
>talk to other dude
>get along alot both nerds
>begin online relationship
>talk everyday for 2 years
>eventually grown out nerdiness
>want to end relationship to meet more people
>weeaboo denies
>"You leave and Ill kill you"

My worst birthday

>Be me
>Become social, love my friends of my old school
>"I am going to have a party at my house with all my friends"
>Send invitations
>Get sick a week before
>Fucking virus makes everything painful
>"I-i will fucking have this party"
>I ask how to do the homework at my current school chat
>They threat me like a cunt and gave me shitty instructions
>"O-ok i got this thanks"
>Do homework and send it to the school page