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Showing posts from May, 2016

The Huntsmen coincidence

>Be me.
>chilling at home just got watching some pron.
>decide to browse showbox.
>see the new movie huntsmen is out decide to watch it.>particular scene comes up when huntsmen and company must retrieve a golden mirror from goblins.
>huntsmen company mention they love gold and wear it as armor(reminds me of something).
>fast forward to when they are retrieving mirror.
>goblins look like apes .apperently goblins killed each other because of gold mirror. (kinda reminding me of black people)  >king gob shows u and fights huntsmen.sees its loosing and calls more gobs(seems familiar?)

Anon the fearmongerer

>be me 15
>go to high school with great medical program
>school is split into halves, one for the Magnet (Advanced Students) and the other for the deadweight.
>be in all Magnet classes, except for Geometry
>don't have a father
>be the only white kid in geometry class
>things go smoothly for the first week
>one day I go to reach for my notebook
>hatch a plan

I am a manchild

>be me
>live at home with mom
>she has a party and invites our friends and families
>big pot luck but all I want is chicken tendies
>go to freezer pull out tendies
>throw some in the microwave
>come out of the kitchen with my chicken tendies and ketchup
>everyone looks at me as I go back to my fap fortress
>mom comes in and tells me, "Anon, will you please be social for our family and friends? Please do it for me!"
>Go back to the living room
>so anon I hear you like those chinese cartoons like the dragon balls and naroootoe
>starting to get pissed
>giggle and just say yeah

It takes something big to fix you

Former beta orbiter here

Let me tell you that logic doesn't really come into it when you orbit. You have nothing in life so the fact a girl LETS you hang around her is enough for you to think she will fuck you one day. I used to believe it was like buying a pet lizard, it will never like you but by association will eventually sit on your lap. Anyway, i was completely pathetic

>Used to orbit for at least 12 hours a day in some form, be it texting, hanging out with, or just straight facebook stalking
>Girl actually called me 'her little pet mosquito' because of how much I 'buzzed around'
>I loved the nickname

Prostitute fail


>been saving money for months to get an escort I want
>finally save up the $400
>call and set up an appointment
>have to wait two weeks but I figured it'll be worth it
>after what feels like forever the big day finally comes
>put on my best clothes and go meet her at a hotel
>she's very nice and pleasant, but her photos must have been a tad shopped
>asks me what I want to do for tonight
>i have no idea how to just ask for a rumble tumble

I am a male prostitute

>Date fat chick on lovoo (German equivalent to tinder)
>First date. Talk much to her. She's pretty shy
>End up french kissing and holding hands
>Second date at my home, she never talks, just stares at me like an animal in the zoo
>Ask her if you wants to smoke a joint after not talking and kissing for 3 hours.
>She agrees, we smoke, laugh a bit...
>She suddenly starts crying and telling me shit like that she's sure that I don't want to be with her
>At this point she's completely right but I try to cheer her up
>Cheering up works
>Make out again
>Finger her

I am your wife

Uh /b/ what do I do?

>Be today working
>Am an exterminator tech
>Working on a house tarping it and what not
>Take a break for a minute
>Then a car pulls up and out comes this 8/10 cutie with her friend
>They keep looking at me and looking at their phones
>The hell?
>They walk towards me and the cutie asks me
>"Are you Anon De Halen?"
>(Lets call her Amy) "I'm Amy De Halen I'm your wife..."

Naked guy on the run

>in spare room with no clothes
>hear oldest brother and 6 friends show up (he doesn't even live here)
>I don't think he knows I'm here
>they're all out in main room talkin about stupid shit, some roastie out there has a really annoying laugh
>suddenly need to piss
>bathroom is on other side of house
>no way I can make it without being seen
>decide I need to get over my autism or my kidneys will explode
>look in the old dresser in room to see if there are any clothes
>none just old blankets
>see empty water bottle on desk

Whoa there

I'm a girl and I love to tease
>once i had a bf and we went out for dinner
>when i got to his place i got on his bed on my belly, writing a quick text to my mom
>he was a certified ass man so i wore really tight legging that day
>i could tell that his eyes where popping out over that sight
>i told him to come over, climbed on top of him and started to kiss him very energetic, rubving my tightly packed vagina over his alerted memeber
>he told me to stop it cause we had to go in a few mins
>i didn't listen but instead pulled throw him back on his bed and janked down his pants and briefs
>his dick was already swolen and twitching

Hello, my name is Marco

This was my night last night.

>be in Toronto, Canada
>Go out to the bars with a couple of my friends. We bought some tallboys and pounded them in a park first.
>go to a couple bars, get drunk, meet some girls, play pool.
>Around midnight we see a lit path between two bars and we decide to check it out.
>bouncers are halfway down the path, they tell us club is closed private party.
>my friend says, we know the host. They say Sergei Pavic?
>he says yes, he's an old friend. Bouncers let us in
>get into the club. It's all Serbs mostly 30+. We're 23 and 24

It only gets worse

>5th birthday
>parents took the day off work to spend time with me because I rarely saw either of them
>get home really excited to spend time with them
>dad speeds past me as I'm walking from the bus stop
>get home
>they got into a fight and he left
>Mom just looks at me with hatred in her eyes and says "Oh, it's YOU."
>no cake
>no presents
>no time spent with my parents
>just go sit in my room watching the only channel the hand-me-down television got in and crying
>get yelled at periodically for crying too loud

Give me your number, please

Well, I've reached a new autistic low

>be me
>see qt3.14 working in local shop
>never pluck up the courage to ask her
>finally grow some balls
>her: "would you like anything else?"
>me: "can I get a scratchcard"
>me: "and your number, please"
>fucking nailed it
>didn't even stutter
>she giggles
>I pay, she takes the receipt and writes her number at the bottom

Worst birthday ever

>be 15
>2 months before 16th birthday
>Someone gives my dad a full grown German Shepherd, Probably 2 years old.
>Dad brings him home and gifts him to me
>name him Sarge, because of his size, and intimidating demeanor
>become best mates with him
>teach him how to sit, shake hands, play dead, ect
>he totally only listens to me, and sees me as his alpha
>love Sarge to death

>wake up on my 16th birthday
>accidentally forgot to let Sarge in the night before
>go outside to find Sarge to feed him

Girl loves girl

>be 20
>be on a farm in france as an intern
>boss has daugter that's 18
>has hired a lesbian that's 20 too
>we three have a REALLY good time, get close friends
>sleeping opportunities get scarce cause he offers rooms for rent
>the three of us have a neat idea
>"let's share a room! It will be so much fun!"
>we have one giant bed
>lesbian is always eyeing me and being a bit touchy
>tells me i have gorgeous eyes and perfect boobs
>ok then...
>one evening bosses daughter has to leave and we decide to say goodbye by drinking sangria, talking shit and such

My boss was a bitch

Worst jobs thread.

>be 17, first job as a dish washer and a waiter
>the boss is a daughter of a rich man, it's her 3rd restaurant, as 2 previous she failed, so he gave her money for the last chance
>she is ugly as fuck and fat
>everyone works there illegaly
>the staff is some real fucking circus
>the guy who makes pizza... makes really good pizza, but everytime somebody orders pizza he says under his nose "I'll give you a fucking pizza... a fucking goddamn pizza, you fucking mother fucker... fuck fuck fuck"
>the head chef most certainly visited the snow place,
>you know, the white line under his nose

You have to do it at least once

I did it once. Was headed to an out-of-area place for three days, wanted to get some pussy.

>Gril messages me
>Tells me 'I'm too cute for CL
>Wouldn't like a big gurl like her'
>I'm a beta nice guy
>Make her feel good about herself

>Go to the city where I said I'd be on CL
>She sends pic
>Forgot that it was an overhead
>Forgot that it was CL
>I get there, and there she is, on a couch

Bad luck with jobs

>16 yr old
>start job with friend at stationary shop
>staff treat friend like son they never had
>staff treat anon like son they never wanted
>get put upstairs in small room
>window nailed shut, toilet only ventilation
>job is shrink wrapping
>(burning plastic onto paper)
>do this for 7 hours a day
>every day leave high on plastic fumes
>take away my chair as not productive enough
>get told boss doesn't like my style
>have to wash break room dishes every day
>plate snaps in half
>they take £5 out of my wage to cover
>accuse me of stealing rubbers..
>told not to come back in or charges
>first job comes to an end


>be me
>in physics class doing some shit with balloons in hallway
>Lab partners are edgelords
>I've known them since 5th grade
>think they're cool
>edgelords are loudman and handyman
>we needed to blow up two balloons
>blowing up two balloons at once for efficiency
>hear high heals clacking down hallway
>one balloon pops
>clacking stops
>loudman prepares for yelling sequence

Shits on a plane

>be me
>flight from Paris to Bangkok
>Stops at doha
>Get off the plane, people take the bus
>Step aside because this airport is weird / nice and take a few pictures.
>all the buses leave
>somehow workers don't notice
>by the time i realize what the fuck is going on i'm stuck in the middle of the boiling hot doha's landing area.
>some technicians asks me if i'm a journalist or something ( because apparently some were doing a report this day )
>huh no i was on the plane from paris

Sperm-covered poop

>Me and my friend have been going to the same school for years and since we were young, we always pooped at the same time during school.
>This has continued for years.
>About a year ago, we both realized that is was hard (almost impossible) for either of us to poop without the other in the room.
>We are best friends and are so used to each other that our smells don't bother each other.
>In fact, we've both agreed that we enjoy each other's smell.
>One day a few months ago, my friend masturbated during one of our poop sessions and convinced me to do it too.
>As time went on, the masturbation became more and more frequent.
>Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I was staying at my friends house for a weekend (a common occurrence with us) and he had to poop so naturally I joined him in the bathroom.

Old sales lady

>be me
>work in office, sales
>good friend who sits across from me moves back to Europe
>for first few months it’s just me
>boss tries to hire a replacement
>comes down to a nig nog and an older lady
>they hire the old lady
>first few weeks I try to be nice
>take her out for lunch on friday, she seems okay
>next couple of weeks get worse
>she talks about her dog all the time and won’t stop asking me how my evening was
>5 months later and I know everything about her dog and her husband and what foods he doesn’t like to eat

No clothes in school

>gym class ends
>in locker room
>halfway through changing have to shit
>walk to bathroom which is connected to locker room in my boxers and nothing else
>shit and return to bench where my clothes were
>they are gone
>Instantly enter panic mode
>look around the room, clothes are nowhere in sight, nobody is looking at me, nothing
>open locker lightning fast and grab backpack
>get back to bathroom stall, figure in in this for the long haul
>ten minutes pass and I hear "eh mang get the fuck out the stall I gotta go"
>respond "Get the fuck away from me."

No money mom

I'm writing this because I ain't got no-one else to vent to.

Here's the set-up:
>Live with mom
>Divorced, I have two sisters which both live on their own
>Not tight, but we care for each other
>Me and mom are physically sick and live off of the government
>On top of rent, electricity, internet, netflix, food, pain killers and smokes (for her), she also has a loan to pay back
>She's never saved a penny in her life
>I pay for all the food, tobacco and pharma, and I also give her money for the loan and bills she can't afford (Cause I's a b*tch)

Subway slut

>be me, 5 months ago
>went to visit my gf after school
>arrived to the subway station
>30yo woman waiting at the station
>7/10, really small shorts, nice butt, open shoes, tank top
>stared at her butt a little and pretend to mind my own business
>subway arrives
>it's full of people, get in anyway
>woman ends up right in front of me
>thrust my pelvis on her ass, 'accidentally'
>woman turns to see me, smiles and suddenly grabs me by the hips
>she starts to grind me

Blackmailing Stacy

>going to a lab room after school because I forgot some shit there
>walk in to see a couple fucking, girl bent over the table, guy behind her
>people like to talk big about how they would react in a given situation, but you never really know until you're tested. Now I know that if I walk in on people fucking unexpectedly with my phone in my hands, I react by switching my phone to camera and taking a shit load of pictures in like 1 second flat. Proud of myself.
>girl is a rich bleach blonde cheerleader dating the star running back on the football team, highschoolcliche.jpg
>dude fucking her isn't her boyfriend
>she chases me down and demands I delete the pictures. Threatens to call the police, etc.
>laugh in her face. She cries.

A poem for anon

>The showers i take are too long and the days are too short
>I think too much
>Normies dont think
>they have no time to think
>they're always doing something
>from dawn till dusk
>what do i do?
>class, homework, anime/read, sleep
>there is no breakign the cycle because i don't want to
>i'm comfortable in my routine
>and i see nothing wrong with that
>i get told by others that i need to mix it up
>go for a run, go hike, go to events
>i'd rather not

How I met my first long term boyfriend

>be 17
>attentionwhore in some sneaky chattroom
>rather ugly dude 24y gets super arroused from talking to me
>offerst to pay me 500!! Bucks to fuck me
>mfw i'm broke anyways
>meet him in the same spot i met that old fart
>we actually talk for a good while first
>then we get on the back seat
>he pulls out his dick and i start sucking on it
>he got bad phymosis but whatever
>he pulls out my boobs and starts awkwardly playing with them
>i sit on his lap, rub myself on his dick and shove my titts in his face
>he's VERY into that
>he tells me to get naked

How to fail a job interview

What is the most pathetic job interview you guys have had?

>Got an interview at a chocolate factory
>Not sure exactly what the job entailed
>Still really excited for it
>Decide I can show real enthusiam and give a funny and memorable interview
>Watch the 2005 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for inspiration
>Think that if I refeence the movie it will show how I am passionate for the job
>In the movie there are 4 children who fail the tour
>first one is a fat kid who falls into a chocolate river
>second is a girl who chews gum and blows into a blueberry

Sad birthday stories

Here's two of mine:
>Go to work on my birthday
>I'm friends with everyone on normie book but we're really just work friends
>Nobody says anything
>Not even a happy birthday from my manager who's usually pretty good about things like that
>Shit day, we were really busy and I fucked up a few orders. Manager yells at me and tells me to clean the bathrooms because somebody pissed on the floor
>Get home, check normiebook. No new notifications.
>Get a text from my sister asking if I have one of her DVDs
>Next day, go to work.
>It's another person's birthday

The breakup party

17th birthday

>GF and I birthday was 18 days apart
>We celebrate hers all romantic and all that
>week and half later everything goes to shit, we break up.
>gf calls me night before my birthday, says she has a birthday planned out still and wanted to know if we could go ahead and celebrate.
>Still love her and figured this might be a chance to reconcile. The relationship unraveled randomly and it was the two person equivalent to the start of World War 1
>Show up at the restaurant she wanted to met me at
>Standing there with my gf was her whole family, my whole family, even her sister's boyfriend.

Blacks can fight

>Be me
>7th grade
>Goes to ghetto school
>Im white
>Sub in math, shits goin great
>We laugh and shit
>Oh shit bell rings
>Social studies time
>We're in there for a little while till my tiny boy bladder needs to empty
>Bathroom time
>Im feelin good, just pissin away in a stall
>Doors locked
>...when suddenly....
>"Damn anon you have a small dick! Hahahaha"
>little black guy climbed the stall wall to peek

Referrals and tea bagging

>be me in middle school
>have old ass bitch as language arts teacher
>literally everybody hates her
>she yells at me for some stupid bullshit
>i probably said some witty smart ass reply
>threatens to give me a referral
>"i didn't do anything, so if you write one, I'll just throw it away "
>she calls in a campus assistant to escort me to office
>office is set up to where the discipline section is separated from the student office are by a hallway that leads to front desk
>assistant is in front of me, walking into the discipline area to tell the principal what is happening
>turn left into hallway, past front desk, straight out the school entrance

I am the manager, how can I help you?

Local burger joint, shift manager. Not McDicks though, thankfully.

>10AM at drive-through
>hello, what can I get you?
>Double-burger meal with large fries
>What would you like to drink with that?
>I'm sorry sir, we don't serve alcohol
>"You have a cornerstore right next door, just go get one for me."

People don't seem to understand that we aren't couriers.
>Closing time
>Must count the change before closing and file them in our safe

Why I cannot sleep at night

So I am going to tell the story of why I cannot sleep at night.
>In second year of Highschool
>There is this kid, nerdy and semi autistic kid that just joined
>He got picked on by many people
>I never picked on him because I think it is a little cruel
>I was in that one group that evolved in to stoners in the future
>I never stood up for him, did not want to cramp my style
>I did however say hello now and then, he looked lonely, ate lunch by himself etc
>I noticed after a while he tried to walk home with me, I bailed most times
skip 4ish years later