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Showing posts from April, 2016

Shit farm

>6 years old
>night time
>at some farm for bonfire night
>fireworks etc
>dad holds my arms as i stand on his boots so that when he walks, i move at the same time
>watch fireworks
>need toilet
>go to toilet
>need shit and piss
>only do piss because too socially awkward to shit anywhere but home
>piss done
>go back to dad
>jumping up and down and his boots

The Phantom Foot Wanker

Security worker here, with a (sorta) similar story.

>Working night security for a Psychiatric Rehab hospital
>Not naming any names, but if you live in Mid Missouri, you can visit it any time you like.
>Anyway, on patrol one night about four years ago in the late spring.
>Supervisor told me to be on the lookout for a patient roaming the halls
>Wouldn't tell me why, only that he was "tall and abnormally skinny."
>Well that clears things up. A lot of the patients suffered from eating disorders and about a third of them were skeletor-level thin.
>Also, he had only been seen at night in other patients' doorways which could easily create the illusion of tallness (the beds were aligned against a wall with the feet facing the door).
>Walking around the halls after lights-out, hall lights have been dimmed, and a storm was going full-force outside.
>Not tornado weather, but severe thunderstorms out the a**.
>I round a corner and suddenly the power…

High as a kite

>>Be Me
>>Studying like a boss at uni
>>In class where we read Soledad O'Brien's book
>>She coming to uni to speak
>>decide to get ripped beforehand
>>walk in high as a kite
>>sit next to old friend from hometown
>>notice she's gotten cute
>>two mates sit next to us
>>feel warm sensation on neck
>>no idea how or why but feels good man
>>listen to Soledad go on
>>racism bad, I feel ya Soledad

A tard named Joe

Story time

>went to a school that had a tard integration system
>have like 10 tards in different classes
>have this one in several
>let's call him Joe
>Joe is pretty cool, one of those tards that makes you laugh when you talk to him
>he would always have really bad gas
>Joe would often times shit his pants during class
>one day I'm in a class with him and were all doing notes and bookwork
>all of a sudden a primal war screech sounds from Joe's asshole
>we all look at him
>his face was a mixture of confusion and regret

Poo on shoe

>be 1st grade
>be recess
>taking a dump in the bathroom
>notice the stall door was open
>decide to get up and close it
>as i got up i took a sh*t and some of it landed on the floor
>sit back down
>notice my new light up sketchers were covered in it
>decide to just wipe my butt and leave so no one notices
>notice I’m leaving foot traces of sh*t
>suddenly a kid from my class comes into the bathroom and into my way
>"hey anon why are your feet covered in poop"
>say "no no no"

Don't snort meth

ITT your worst drug expierence
> be 17
> snort Meth
> 1.5 grams because why not
> have a party in my place everything is good
> go out for a smoke
> panic.webm
> pace to a nearby woods
> hide
> fear that someone is trying to kill me
> shit myself
> piss myself
> black out
> 10+ missed calls from party guests
> fear that they gonna give me in to the killer
> keep hiding

Seeing red

iTT: Times that things went horribly wrong, but the next day your sins were pardoned by lady luck, herself.
>be me 8
>day before my birthday, celebrate anyway, cuz i had to move to another county the next day
>at dad's place, small apartment, sleep all in one room, 3 different beds.
> really cold that morning, so i inch towards the tv, where the heat is
> sit on dad's drummer seat right up next to the tv.
>still cold
> tuck arms and legs into clothes, look like a quadruple amputee
>seat's wobbling

Manly man

Dumping my gf tomorrow /b/.

>Been with Gf for 3 year
>Live together
>I work on late shift 3pm to 11pm
>It's friday and i've been working already 55 hours this week so i finish early (arround 7pm)
>Drive home, when there i saw a truck
>The kind of pimped truck that only her ex has
>I thought she didn't talk to him for 3 year now
>Maybe it’s the neighbor
>Go inside
>They both on the sofa watching TV
>It's him
>GF look surprise i'm here
>Both are speechless on the sofa
>Inside rage now lvl 35

Nazis won't share their Dr. Pepper

Fuck it I'll post another good one I have.

>I'm doing the closing shift which is until 12:00AM
>Most of our regular customers stop coming at around 8:00 and only homeless trash comes in after.
>Me and the PIC (Person In Charge, basically manager when the manager isn't there.) Nik are the only people in the store.
>We get a call from the other stores that share our lot that there's a homeless guy loitering around and trying to steal shit out of their stores and that we should keep an eye out for any thieves

Bartender stories

>at bar, filling in for guy who's on vacation, nice easy mindless shift
>head down doing dishes, get the blow everyone off, loving it
>chance a look up
>realize that there's only women at the bar, 25 seats, all women, whoa
>gets busier
>only girls coming in
>what the hell is going on
>bartenders tell me, "forget the dishes, let's make some money"
>switch to bartender role
>start slinging drinks
>first customer I talk to is really hot and looks really familiar
>her friends come up after her, they're really hot, they look familiar
>who are these chicks


>be me working stressful camp job
>somehow befriend grill coworker
>hang out all the time
>in love with her but I am loser anonfag
>going to ask her out anyway because grills like bravefags
>"So, anon, I talked to your ex today. She said it wouldn't be weird if we dated. I told her that wouldn't happen because we're just really good friends."
>just really good friends
>mfw didn't even get to ask her out
>get friendcucked when she gets bf months later
>I want to move on, but how?
>get feelings off my chest

60% evil

>Third year of Uni
>Sharing room with Feminist
>She's Fat, Ugly, and Loudmouthed
>Does everything to piss me off
>Makes my friends feel like crap and pushes her feminist views on them
>Last day of semester
>Buy a vial of sperm across the border from a mexican sperm bank
>Spread it on her tampons and panties
>Come back to school a month later and find out she's pregnant
>She accuses me of rape
>Sues me
>Ruins my reputation
>Get dirty looks from everyone

New pilots' first day

>first trip to Tokyo!
>Flight plan goes from Vegas to LAX to get on flight to Tokyo
>find seat at back of plane
>take off from Vegas
>plane takes off slowly
>plane takes forever to lift
>I've been on lots of planes and know this isn't right
>plane still isn't off the ground
>actually fucking see end of runway just as the rear wheels leave ground
>holy fuck, that's never happened before
>2 minutes into flight
>sudden bank left turn followed by a sudden drop of nearly 50 feet

Working at Walmart

I worked at Walmart for a few years in a shitty town. The shit that I have seen.

>working at Walmart
>originally worked as a cart pusher, my job was literally to take the carts from the parking lot and put them inside where customers can get to them
>me and this baghdad veteran with no front teeth and breath so rancid you can smell it any time he talks are the only cart pushers
>we spend most of our time talking about Rick and Morty or me listening to him practice his standup comedy routine
>it's chill af usually
>one day, I'm by myself b/c he was on a day off
>it's like 10pm, near the end of my shift

Frog's trauma

>grade 8
>used to get 2 liters of juice from the tuckshop for like $2
>every morning get 1 bottle of juice and down it down
>decide one day fuck it im gonna get two bottles
>one for the morning and one for first period
>morning smash down some good OJ and smoke some weed with my friends
>clear eyes and feeling pretty baked
>first period is english
>my english teacher didn't have a neck just a double chin
>she was fat asf and it was weird cause her legs were skinny asf
>used to make jokes and call her a mrs frog cause when she talked her double chin would move around like a frogs throat when it ribbets
>anyways sit with my friends

Working at an amusement park

OMFG. I had the same shit happen to me kind of.
> Used to work at amusement park
> Worked for shitty photo company
> They started this new thing where you pay for a membership and get like 50% Off of photos around the park
> Had sign for it at my stand
> Sign clearly said 50% off with membership
> People come up "I'll take my 1/2 off photo
> "That's not what the sign says"
> Say this to at least 50 people a day.
> One bitch says "That's very misleasing, I should get something for free for this".
> Since it was a shit job, I straight up said " No. That's fucking stupid."
> She turned red, and filed a complaint
> Manager pulls me aside one day
> "I heard you called someone fucking stupid. That's rad."
> Him and I laugh about it.
Fun times. Company went out of business though.

Hillbilly and Oreo

Cashier at Safeway reporting in.

>Thanksgiving day at 11:00 AM
>Store is extremely fucking busy as you can imagine
>My checkstand's line is at least 8 people long and we have every checkstand open
>At this point in full speed mode so not able to hold very good conversations with my customers.
>Start ringing up a family's cart and a half order.
>Didn't really notice because I was in my zone but holy fuck were these people redneck
>It's an middle aged woman probably in her 40's with obviously dyed red hair, she looks like a meth addict.
>Her hillbilly son with a backwards trucker hat and his girlfriend who also looks like a meth addict.
>Can tell the mom and the girlfriend are having a dispute about something but I'm just completely fucking ignoring them

That one kid from alternative school

Alternative School faggot here. I have a pretty fucking bad one.

>be me in tard school
>newer guy, been around only three months
>its the second friday of the month so there is a field trip to somewhere fun usually
Anon you haven't got all your assignments turned in, you're here for the day instead
>sit in the classroom and sleep like a fucking faggot
There is a reason you get put in alternative school, fuck school
>lunch rolls around

Good dad

>Be me
>going to pick up friend to have dinner
>dressed up decently nice
>get pulled over
>cop approaches
>"License and registration"
>open glove department
>Prescription medication right in front
>"What's that bottle? Give me that bottle"
>hand him bottle
>explain it's my anxiety/ depression medication
>cop hands them back
>cop flashes flashlight into open glove box
>see's a bag of sage leafs in a plastic bag
>"What is that? Hand me that"
>explain it's sage
>why do you have it?
>It makes my car smell nice
>Cop hands it back to me

Rape is not cool

>be me 16
>be stupid in math and ask around for help
>neighbor is a sweet, mid 30s lady, never really see her out the house.
>she tells me her son's really good at math and should tutor you
>didn't know she had a son, accept
>go over to her house one Saturday, tell mom I'm going to a friend's house, didn't say who
(note when i say neighbor i mean people who live around my neighborhood)
>knock on her door
>she opens
>she's alright, 6/10
>she's happy to see me, I walk in
>ask where her son is, she says "He'll be here in a minute, follow me."
>i follow her to the living room

Wojack's life

>be me
>24 years old
>in a 5 year relationship
>gf is a year younger than I am
>qt 8/10
>best thing that's ever happened to me
>pops the question in May
>yes anon I will
>super fucking happy
>anniversary in June
>we decide to go out for dinner
>arrangement at 7:30pm
>gets to restaurant at 7:15
>checks in
>7:30, no gf
>8pm, no gf

Bloody nut

>Be me >Date girl for 7 months
>Totally in love
>4 months down the road, realize she's kinda crazy
>Get drunk with homies one night
>Dared to message girl for her snapchat username
>fuck it i aint a bitch
>"What's your sc?"
>*message sent*
>No reply
>Get black out drunk and wake up next morning
>Message not read
>cry severe amount of tears
>oh well fuck it i've got a girlfriend
>be with girlfriend one day
>reads messages
>O Shit

The biscuit bandits

>be me
>11th grade
>In marching band
>Good friends with band directors son, likes and trusts me
>Good friends with drum major
>Go and fill the water coolers for marching band practice after school
>Go to cafeteria with drum major and other friend to fill coolers
>See a huge tray of biscuits
>Know that they can't leave food out after school because health codes
>Think they are going to be thrown out
>Spend a week just chilling and eating biscuits with bros filling water
>Randomly get called to principal's office

Veterinarian stories

>be me
>working in sketchy areas
>obvious dope fiends come in
>"uuh yeah i need 2 give my dog the medicine so i need some syringes"
>play along "oh you need to administer some pyrantel?"
>dope fiends always go for it, thinking they'll get some free heroin injectors
>hand them a few syringes without the needle tips
>"uuuh these don't have the needles"
>mfw i tell them pyrantel is an oral dewormer and you don't need needles

moar vet stories

Working at Hastings

>Working Video counter at Hastings
>Hastings is video game/music/video/book store/hot topic if you don't know.
>Helping a pair of customers trying to find a movie they don't know the name of.
>A wild tween spick land whale appears.
>girl had to be at least 50lbs overweight, was like 12.
>interrupts the couple describing the movie, asks if I can find a movie for her.
>Turn, say "It'll be just a moment, I need to take care of this first."
> Tween waddled off all pissed, and I turned back to the couple.
> figured out what movie it was, took them to it, love abound.
>Suddenly, a wild adult slick land whale appears.
>little land whale is next to her snuffling.

Fighting crime

> Be me, 16 at the time
> Filling shelves in super market
> Dude, about 30, typical Geordie Shore, walks up to me
> "Yo, you guys have any of [brand name] beer in the back?"
> I politely ask him to wait while I check if we have his beer
> We don't
> "I'm sorry sir, we ran out. Tomorrow morning we'll have your beer again"
> Dude gets Mad
> Dudewhyyougetmad.gif
> Tell him I'm sorry, explain there's another store close, he could try there
> Tell him "I don't know what else to do for you sir"
> Geordie man says "Of course you don't, motherfucker" and kicks me in the shins

A terrifying terrorist

> last class of the day
> just me sitting there paying attention
> mentor outta nowhere
> anon you gotta go with me
> oshit.jpg
> i say "whats going on"
> "we're going to the principal"
> my dad is there
> da fuck is going on
> principal looks me dead in the eyes
> "have you any idea whats going on"
i say "umm, no"
> "a few days ago on youtube there appeared a serious threat"
> "it involved explosions and guns"

Red glitter

Another one

>The bathroom for customers only has one toilet so there's a lock on the door.
>Throughout the day methheads and drug addicts saunter on in there and lock themselves in to shootup for like 15 minutes at a time
>Closing shift again at like 9:00
>Customer complains that he's been waiting to use the bathroom for like 10 minutes
>Go up to the door and knock on it and ask if anyone's in there
>Go to the nearest phone and call manager letting her know I'm going in to confront him
>Get bathroom key and open the door
>Literally the entire floor is covered in red glitter

The bitch wants contacts

Glasses selling fag reporting for duty.

>Work at local glasses/contacts retail place that sounds similar to pigeon twerks
>Bitch comes in with her daughters and wants to buy contacts.
>RX Expired, can't sell them contacts under state law.
>Bitch gets pissed because she wants contacts because for some dumb reason she can't wear her glasses to this stupid charity benefit she has tomorrow.
>Tell her it's a state law thing.
>Not having it, tells me i'm a soulless evil prick.
>Explain it's a state law thing.
>Bitch doesn't care, wants me to call the doctor to get the authorization to give her a trial pair.
> "He didn't go through med school to take phone calls at 8:30"
>Asks me to call supervisor.

4chan vs. real life

/b/ has ruined my life.

>be me
>two weeks ago
>at the bar playing darts
>pretty drunk
>3/10 fat trap bitch walks up with fagtard friend
>in deepest voice I've ever heard she requests next game
>"well clearly you don't have a feminine penis"
>they both stare at me
>"wtf did you just say to me"
>I asked, "well, do you have a feminine penis or not?"
>her friend steps in
>200% gayest voice I've ever heard
>"faggot detected"

How I got my piss fetish

post your best sexual experience

>be 19, first year of college
>having first gf
>went to baseball game with her
>game is somewhere out of town, get there by bus set up by baseball fans
>drink A LOT of beer there
>taking bus home
>suddenly half the way home get the urge to piss
>go to bus toilet: out of order, locked
>back to seat
>the urge to piss gets stronger and stronger, struggle to sit still next to gf
>"whats wrong, honey?"

Ever tried weed chocolate?

>18 at University, Halloween night
>2 months in, have barely ever smoked weed
>retard roommates convince me to eat 2/3 of a weed chocolate bar (they had twice as much as I did but were experienced smokers)
>do it, take a hit of a bong 30 minutes later and then we start watching videos on YouTube
>Can't stop laughing for some reason, tears start rolling down my face
>Tripping the fuck out
>Realize that death is upon me, heart is racing
>Tell retard friends that I'm going to die
>Lock myself in bathroom for a bit, my perception of reality is now faltering
>Look around, my vision is warped
>Text girlfriend I love her thinking that I won't see her again

Why you shouldn't tell girls that you are gay

>be me, 22
>studying arts in london
>be in local bar with friend just enjoying our life
>theres a jukebox
>me being a big fan of elvis presley at that time
>wanna listen to my jam
>have no coins though
>theres a 6-7/10 girl right next to jukebox
>ask her if she can change my quid to a sterling
>"sorry i have a boyfriend"
>"so do i"
>some people heard it but i didnt care
>the look on her face was worth it
>she actually asks me if we should hang out sometimes because she always wanted a gay friend
>i wanna know where this is going so i agreed
>the next time we met i told her casually that my boyfriend dumped me
>over the curse of the next few months we hang out pretty often
>her name is mary austin

Blood, so much blood

>Be 14 year old boy way too into One Piece
>Have temperamental australian midget as a friend
>Having a Straw Hat drawing contest at lunch
>We both finish and we have others judge
>More people like mine
>Bitch straight up stabs my hand with a pencil, exposing bone
>Blood everywhere

>I freak the fuck out
>GF freaks the fuck out
>Australian freaks the fuck out
>She apologizes and tries to get napkins and shit
>No teacher notices cause they're too busy chewing out black kids
>I try to stifle the blood with a shitty lunchroom napkin
>Holding back tears

Pretty meh

>be 17
>high school house pary
>everyone drunk, me stoned
>secure comfiest bed in house because plan ahead
>hear friskiness from next room
>feel alone feel sad
>friskiness spikes
>hear door open, crying, door close
>stoned, bored, need to piss, decide to check it out
>drunk 5/10 in hallway crying
>decide i just want to get past to go piss then crash out in dude's parents super expensive comfy bed
>anon im so glad you came out

Wrong hole

>be me
>on the streets drinking after the bars and clubs shut
>meet a nice 8/10 qt
>turns out she's my friends ex who I had just fought
>she keeps coming on to me
>we walk away and start kissing
>raging hardon, last time I had sex was 2 years before
>take her up some alley
>start getting handjob and sleep and almost explode
>convince her to lay down on concrete and spread her legs
>fuck her for like 10 minutes hard and I'm not close to coming
>she's dripping wet