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Showing posts from March, 2016

My mother is a prostitute

>be son of a whore
>naturally bullied all the time for this
>highschool
>things are a bit calmer
>biology class, talking about STD's
>"...thus, while it has not been proved, HIV-positive mothers may pass the virus to their fetus..."
>"...which is why using proper protection is of paramount..."
>"HEY ANON, DOES YOUR MOTHER USE PROPER PROTECTION?"
>entire class bursts into laughter, i am completely frozen and trying not to cry
>useless teacher trying to impose order, but to no avail

I am the Sperglord

Sperglord thread

literally just happened

>go to get soda
>assure I bring ten dollars
>grab five two-liters from back of cuck-mart
>didn't get a cart
>sweating profusely
>fucking 9 degrees out
>get to ten items or fewer
>cutie 3.14 there
>fuckmylife.bitmap
"Hi, big night huh?" *giggles*
"y-yeah"
>drop two of the bottles
>throw rest on counter
>some roll off on her feet

3 reasons not to bang a MILF

>be 22
>dating this hot 40 yo MILF
>on our second date we went to her house afterwards
>she had an ugly 18 year old daugther (i mean...really ugly)
>daughter watching TV in living room, sees us runnig upstairs but she seems ok with it
>we fuck for about 30 mins
>the best sex ive ever had (pussy, anal, a2m,...)
>she has various sex toys in her drawer
>she pulls out a giant buttplug and a mouthgag out of her drawer
>spits on the plug, insert into her ass
>puts mouthgag on
>we fuck for another 10 min in missionary
>suddenly she doesnt move anymore

Fire Ants in my dick

>Be 13
>Be on the internet
>Be on pornhub
>On the wierd Fetish side of pornhub
>look over at recommended videos
>See "Fire ants placed in dick"
>Contemplate whether i should click it
>click it
>Begin to watch
>halfway through look at comments
>reads things that say that people should try it
>watches the video more closely
>notices how much pain is in the mans eyes
>still decide to try it
>goes outside
>looks for fireants hill

Jail stories

I had quite the interesting time in jail... obviously it seriously destroyed my life on the outside, but the year in county itself wouldn't have been bad if not for that:

>outside dumping trash in the dumpster
>CO is chatting away on his cell phone
>think nothing of it, happens all the time
>get back to pod, all quiet
>5 minutes later, get called to corporals office
>oh shit oh shit wtf did i do
>'was CO on phone? did he bring it inside? did he use it inside?'
>CO is dick, so give full statement
>go back to pod, think that's the end of it
>5 minutes later, get called to jail commanders office
>holy shit im dead

Why you should treat phimosis

So /b/, I fucked up. Help me out.

>Be me, 20, phimosisfag, not too bad, but bad enough.>If you don't know what it is here is a Wikipedia article about phimosis
>Meet cute girl, we seem to get along great.
>Want to be prepared if this goes anywhere.
>Start stretching so my dick will be usable.
>Works out just fine, cute girl becomes girlfriend. All is well.

Fast forward 2 years.
>Still with girlfriend.
>Phimosis starts coming back for some reason.
>Everything tightens down there.
>Eventually rip my frenulum slightly.

Hello, FBI

>be me at Halloween costume party last month
>see two drunk dudes carry 8/10 idiot hot blonde wasted girl upstairs
>go up with them and ask wtf they are doing
>they lay her in the bed and tell me she needs to sleep
>ask me to watch her because they both wanna continue partying
>mfw
>they go downstairs
>i lock the door and turn
>mfw
>shes eyes closed and sort of quietly moaning
>start tugging at her arm just to make sure shes KO
>start fondling her boobs
>oh boy

Weird first sex

Hello there /b/. I just wanted to share the string of random events that defined my first time
>be me 17
>got two best friends, lets call them Chadbro and Betabro
>invited to a new-years party with Chadbros friends
>4 hour drive
>fuck it. ROADTRIP!
>get to the place, know nobody except Chadbro and Betabro
>about 20 people, only 3 grills
>this one guy, lets call him Creep, seems especially bro
>get super wasted quick because only 3 grills
>do some blow with Chadbro to make up for it
>rest of the night is hazy so fastforward to 23:30

Sharing everything with my girlfriend

>fuck gf at least four times a day because second month of relationship
>dick starts to hurt
>whatever, continue
>starts to get really painful
>look at dick, see rash
>wait a few days, doesn't seem to go away
>shit, should probably see a doctor
>read about that shit on the internet
>fuck, might be an std
>go to free clinic because don't want to see my personal doctor and be embarassed
>9/10 chick looks at my rash-ridden tiny limp-dick at clinic
>do a few tests
>"you might have herpes"
>fuck my life

Built on a lie

>Be me, 17, senior in small high school in CAL
>7/10 at best, total betafag
>Really starting to hate myself
>Mom dead
>Dad calls me a faggot for no reason
>23 year brother is trying to get me to do weed every time i see him.
>Shit grades so I'm not sure what i'm going to do when i leave high school.
>Final year so i say fuck it, i'm going to a dance for once.
>Rent tux, probs looked like faggot, but to me it looked pretty nice.
> Go to dance see a group of semi friends talking/chilling
>"Friends" surprised to see me there.
>Say i look "good"
>muchquotationmark.jpg

Sleepover

>be 12
>last year of elemetary school on my country's educating system
>new kid comes to class
>become really good friends
>come to know he moves to another country next year
>sleepover with him last day on the country
>play ps2 until 3:00 am or so
>go to sleep
.
.
>wake up in the middle of the night
>feel a weird tickle on my feet
>see friend licking all over my feet
>wtf

Turning right

Mine's not as shitty, but still not one of my finer moments:

>be 17 y/o me
>sitting in english class
>canuck elections coming up, so my libretard socialist philosopher english teacher started talking about politics
>no specific topic, just random chatting about politics in general
>most people in class left-of-center sheeple
>somehow get to talking about autism/retardation
>put up my hand to make a point
>realize that I'm about to show my power level
>put hand down
>too late

I did something stupid

Holy shit did I fuck up, B.
>Be me, 18 y/o, out of high school working part time at a grocery store
>dating a 9/10 girl, Half Jap, and I love her with all my heart
>she has a close group of 3 friends and herself
>I also happen to be really good friends with one of them
>invite the other girl over one day
>haven't had sex/ jacked off in 5 days, trying to stay pure
>suddenly i lose all control
>we start making out
>groping
>moves to sex
>have sex, cum super fast because of being fapless
>suddenly realize what i've done

Violent asshole

Embarrassing story's thread? I'll start greentext of course. This happened a long time ago so bare with me on the details.

>be 11 have a stroke and have to have brain surgery
> in recovery for 4 months and do another 3 doing different kinds of therapy
> eventually leave and go home and back to school which I failed miserably because I missed seven months but they still pass me through
> fast forward a few years I am now 15 and have seizures regularly.
> be constipated one day, sitting on the toilet all day long pushing as hard as I can still nothing
> push so hard I end up going into a blur
>ohshit.jpg

How I beat phismosis

>be 13
>taking a piss
>finish up and zip up quick
>sharp pain
>look down at the horror before me
>foreskin is caught in between zipper
>trying not to panic
>slowly pull myself free from the clutches of hell
>little bleeding not too much
>clean up and go on with day
>weeks pass
>foreskin is now tight
>can't pull it back at all
>pain when I do is unbearable
>tell mom and she tell me to talk with my dad
>I tell my dad and he says to show him

Close encounters of the shit-th kind

Alright /b/,I got a story for ya.

>Be me,18
>Watch porn like every other guy without grill to date
>Watch a porn of a woman shitting on the toilet
>Very clear she was a mum
>Kid would be heard in background noise
>In one of her videos she was pregnant.
>Realize she looks like a grill from my school

>Fast forward to a few weeks ago
>School had this thing where all the parents and students had to go
>The grill from earlier brought her mum

Mosquitos stung my dick

> be me
> 12
> love to play army with fam
>13th birthday
>ask if we can go camping
> "yeah why not"
> pull up to place were staying at
> soothe middle of NSW
> (ausfag)
> we go to some clearing
> start setting up
>moms on sleeping bag i'm on tent dad on caring shit
> finish fast
> go to help dad find wood
> 20 mins later were done
> time for s'mores and coke

Pregnant with Netflix

>Be me
>Be 23
>Be in love with my boyfriend
>Boyfriend and I break up because he's cheating and wants new girl to move in with him
>I'm heartbroken and super bitter with nowhere to go
>Can't stand parents but no rent if I live with them
>It's 11:35 pm
>Be more hornier than usual and on period
>fuckit.jpeg
>Start masturbating
>Hands bloody and gooey because not wearing tampon
>Walk to restroom and see my dad
>Dad freaks out
>Tell him nose bleed

How I made my mom's new husband stop raping me

> be me, 5 or 6 years old
> mom meets creepy ass new dude, instant cringe just being around him
> Dude has neck problems, needs surgery
> Mom is a welfare queen, fake identities and all to get phat checks
> Mom says fuck it I'll marry you so you can get insurance then we'll split
> You know, INSURANCE FRAUD
> so dude moves in with us
> His kids are ok at first, but the boy likes to fondle my no-no square with his feet
> tells me I'm making it weird, not his fucking foot in my crotch
> Other kid, daughter, constantly accused me of "having sex" with the stuffed animals if I fell asleep playing house

Don't put objects inside of your penis

Here is my story of how I made myself go to hospital with bleeding penis in 2 pm.

>be 16
>parents divorced long time ago
>mother is travelling all the time due to her work and hits home every 2 or 3 weeks
>only brother is working at far west side of the country so I'm all alone in the house
>staying alone for 2 years as 16 year old autistic edgelord made me change
>I start to masturbate in every way possible for reasons
>Start to do some jack shit like shoving banana up in my ass
>fap while running (I couldn't get hard)
>try to challenge my self by cutting my pubic hair with knive

Why a wife swap isn't always a good idea

Let me tell you why I hate my fucking life /b/. It's a long one.

> be me, engaged to girl hereafter known as wife
> wife isn't entirely conventionally attractive, maybe a 5 or 6, but I think she's gorgeous and I love her
> have friend with smoking hot wife, 10/10
> me, wife and them 2 are all good friends and have gatherings often
> talking with friend - F - and he mentions that him and his wife - FW - are looking into swinging
> says they'd haven't done it yet, but would be up for it with me and wife if we were too
> me and F are always joking about fucking each other and being totally gay, but both of us are straight
> I ask for details, he wants to fuck me? Or just wife swap?

Lucky me

>be 16
> not the most attractive guy, but I don't have a problem meeting girls
> get a text from my friend detailing that she knows a girl that wants to meet me
> receive her number and send her a text
> apparently her name is shelby, and she goes to my rival school
> we hit it off really good, and continue to talk
> start a relationship
> everything is going good. dont want her to meet my dad so i sneak her in my house on the weekends when my dad isn't home
> we don't have sex we just kind of hangout, then she gets in her car, and leaves in the morming
> text me one day
> says she wants to have sex with me
> fuckyes.jpg

Drinking and its consequences

>Work at Liquor store
>Few months ago was feeling shitty over a break up
>sit in beer cooler few a few minutes to take a break
>decide to have a beer
>2 6 packs later I'm feeling uncontrollably tried
>Wake in Hospital
>Freak out
>Dr shows up
>Tells me I fell asleep in the freezer and almost froze to death
>Few days I recover and head to work finally
>Boss is some Indian fuck always weird
>looks upset but don't say anything
>Later taking a break he walks up

Pissing blood

>go to bathroom
>start pissing
>hurts for some reason
>strand of coagulated blood comes out, followed by more blood
>pissing blood
>wtfiswrongwithme
>go to doctor
>pee in cup
>doctor says I have crystals in urine, along with "large amount of blood"
>test negative for STDs
>hurts every time I pee
>burns afterwords
>doesn't get better

I fucked my friend from high school the night before she got married

>get invited to wedding
>day before wedding
>friend who is getting married picks me up at airport
>tells me she's really glad to see me
>big hug
>she takes me to hotel where i'm staying
>she asks me for a favor
>her future husband doesn't have many friends and only his brother one friend could come
>asks me if i would join them for his bachelor party
>sure why not, bachelor parties are fun
>arrange to meet them
>when she introduces us i could tell he was a jealous prick
>he, his brother, his friend and i go out
>hit some bars
>the whole time he's giving me shit

Another win for the patriarchy

I live in Portland, ME, and since about 2010, I've noticed an influx of hipsters and feminazis from Portland, OR living short stints here, either as an attempt at irony or just generally trying to make my Portland as shitty as theirs. As such, I've accumulated a few stories.

>be me
>work in butcher shop
>pretty much all guys working there
>accountant is only female associated with us, still technically not our employee
>hold company meetings at a public pool/sauna
>boss pays to rent it for a block of time once per month
>time and a half for meetings
>boss and son come from Finland, for context
>swim/sauna nude, of course

3 cringe stories

In this thread we post cringe stories, I have a few:
> Knew this chick back in year 2, be kinda friends with her.
> Year after I left the school to another.
> Fast forewards to year 9 when i moved to an all boys school and hadn't talked to a chick in ages, the amount of hormones and testosterone going through that school was crazy.
> Randomly go through my old school photos and see that chick in my year 2 photos and wonder how she looked like now.
> do a bit of ol skool research and find her msn "addy".
> Add her on the good ol msn, she accepts.
> Start talking to her for a bit, I could tell she wasnt really feeling me for some reason no clue why.

Socially awkward

Happened last month-ish

>still in school cuz don't want to be part of planet of the apes
>in lecture
>reviewing for tests or shit
>realize I'm in wrong lecture
>whyme.xenu
>pack up shit slowly
>don't wan't to make noise
>lull in lecture
>fucking drop book flat on floor
>fuckme.iso
>sound similar to shotgun
>it echoed
>everyone snaps around and looks at me

Lenny, Ali and I

Story time? This is a really, really long one.
posted this yesterday but some anon couldn't finish reading since he had work
hope you're around friend
>be me
>live in a very catholic orphanage
>know nothing of parents
>aways older kids picking on you
>around age 7 I met another kid their
>same age and have simaliraties
>lets call him Lenny
>Lenny and I become close friends, even help eachother in fights their
>happens alot
>be age 10 now
>lenny and I usually sneak out at night to the local town
>we almost never get caught, we have lots of time to plans things out
>at the town, we usually steal candy and what not

The kidney bean

>be 6
>get tons of ear infections
>infections always in left ear
>happen on the weekends, almost like clockwork
>none of the overthecounter or prescription meds are working
>never actually miss school because of it
>hearing not affected; I'm passing the hearing tests @ school
>doctors look into ear
>big blob of wax in ear
>try to get it out with surgical tools
>it won't budge
>they throw their hands up & think it's genetic or some shit
>keeps happening on&off for 3 years, but always at least once a month
>be 9

Fail II - return of the fail

>go to bar with friends
>know the owner, so we get let in at 19.
>Drinking/smoking hookah
>Friends of my friends come in.
>blonde comes in, decent looking, huge tits
>Sits across from me, she's hanging on this guy
>Pay no attention, talking to my hockey buddies
>over the night me and her catch each other in conversation with other people around us
>end up just us talking
>flirt for a few minutes, then trail off onto other conversations
>drink drink drink some more
>3 hours go by, we haven't really talked, but we've been flirting more than anyone at the table
>everyone is slowly leaving
>last 6 people
>She leaves to go over to our mutual friend

The sexy chicken

So... I thinked I fucked up /b/

>Be me yesterday
>Wanting to fap to something new
>Find girl dressed up as a chicken squeezing an egg out of her ass
>If it works it works
>Makes chicken noises
>Was oddly very sexy
>Came buckets
>FF next day
>Wake up dizzy as fuck and everything spinning
>Goes on for hours
>Decide to go to doctor
>Incredibly low blood pressure
>She tells me to get my blood checked

Fuck this shit

You want to hear a sad story /b/?
>be me
>bout 9 years ago
>great job, good pay
>meet girl online
>everything in common
>become best friends
>meet irl, become lovers
>she moves in, become married
>feelsgoodman.jpg
>romance cools
>"anon. Youre a great guy, but ive been living a lie. Im gay. I married you to try and get my parents approval, but i cant do it anymore"
>divorce
>live alone
>date around

The son who became a daughter

>be normal guy
>never had a mom and and grew up with dad
>we did typical guy stuff like fishing and hunting
>eventually graduate high school
>start being honest with my feminine feelings I had been hiding
>started hormones
>eventually by the time I was 20 I passed as a woman
>hid myself from dad during that time under baggy clothes and hats
>one day went to the mall to get my hair and nails done and bought some heels and girl clothes
>went home and got all dolled up
>walked around the house all day

Shit shit shit

>me be, 5th grade, giant loser
>hanging around with loser friends n shit
>suddently giant urge to take a shit
>ask teacher if i can leave, says yes
>go to bathroom, no toilet paper
>decide to go back to class and ask for some napkins
>random classm8 gives me the smallest pack of napkins I have ever see

when i asked for them i didnt say "hey gimme napkins so i can wipe my ass" i just asked.

>to not raise suspicion, wait till the class ends as it was almost over and went to the bathroom again
>be grossed out to wipe shit away with small napkin, didnt take shit
>still have to shit, friend says to go into the teachers bathroom as they have toilet paper
>challengeaccepted.wmv

Roleplaying

>Be me
>work for scrapyard at time
>always take runners home
>get fast Thunderbird one day
>racing home need to shit out taco bell bad
>maybe 100 miles hour
>be raining a little bit
>cop with speed trap
>cop clocks me
>cop runs out in road and puts hand up to stop
>I punch breaks
>peddle falls to floor no breaks
>Push e brake
>car slides sideways
>cop tries to jump out of way
>I take taco bell shit in my pants
>nope
>cop gets splattered all over road
>head went under skidding back wheel

Sex in the library

>Be me
>Work in library
>Not a big university library, but still pretty big
>Minding my own business
>Doing my job
>Putting books on shelves
>Hear a funny noise
>Put down books and investigate
>Kinda sounds like...
>No, I cant be
>Couple having sex
>Shes on all fours
>He has his jeans around his knees, doing it doggy style
>Can see ass cheeks
>Nope.jpeg
>Go find manager

The fap goes on

>be me an hour ago
>18, in final year of high school, still live with parents
>come back from a run
>head into shower, turn on water to warm it up for when I get in
>sit on toilet, I have a partial erection from the cold
>browse /b/ on my phone
>decide to go into shower so I grab washcloth and phone in my left hand
>open the cabinet closest to the door
>pull out vaseline, open it and take some and get it ready to put it on my dick
>right when my fingers are putting vaseline on my dick my mom walks in
>"what the fuck are you doing, anon"

Why I quit drinking

I'm now officially done drinking alcohol
let me tell you a story which is based on a true event from this weekend.

>I came home from work on a friday and as I always do I had brought two 6packs of beer home with me
>I opened one up and started gaming in my lonesome and life was great.
>Finallyweekend.jpg
>I needed to go to the restroom after a few beers. fine, its only 10meters away from where I'm sitting.
>drank some more beers, went to the restroom
>repeat like 3 times.
>after I was done with my 8th beer, something like that.