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Showing posts from February, 2016

Anon meets a pedophile in Bulgaria

>Be me
>Visiting Bulgaria
>In a small town near the Black Sea
>My family spot a mall with a bowling inside
>They love bowling
>I hate bowling, but I love arcade games
>Sweet, there's an arcade game (with a small bar in it) just right next to the bowling.
>I go there while my family plays bowling

>The place is full of sweaty Bulgarians
>I see a spot with only a few people, with a few games in it
>There's a motorcycle game
>I ride the beast
>Suddenly, while playing, a guy comes to me
>Half-bold, around 30 years old, thin and pale

Mexico will conquer the US

>be me
>Chatting with my cousins at base camp on our side of Rio grande
>Leader gives out signal to get ready to cross
>I undo my tent and get a hold of all of my tacos
>ask the blessing of the Pope before I get my back wet
>Backpack on, all 50 of my cousins are now walking to the bank of the river
>Guide screams "vamos, vamos, vamos!"
>I run towards the river, I can feel the resistance of the water on my shins.
>I dive head on and swing my arms as fast as possible.
>I start hearing gunshots and a shouting man with a southern drawl
>"Freeze right there you mofuckin' beaners!"

Retard fucker

>When I was 14 I started fucking a neighborhood girl who had Downs, she had awesome tits and a perfect ass, she never said no, did anything, it was great, all she wanted was a glass of Mello Yellow and crushed ice when we were done
>She got pregnant and her Mom decided to keep the baby, kid was born fucked up
>She told her Mom that I was fucking her, she called the police, my parents, the school and our church
I lived in a town of about 2500. so everyone knew in about a minute
>Everyone called me "the retard fucker", I had to stay home, my parents were super pissed and my pastor asked me to stay away for a while

Sad in Prague

>be in Prague for bachelor party
>go to same strip club
>have lingering eye contact with stripper
>cute but has a bandage covering her knee
>finishes, sits next to me at the bar, buy her a drink.
>last friend standing disappears with a hooker
>stripper dancing then drinking process repeats itself
>sitting with her at the bar, drunk as fuck, realise there are no more strippers up and it's 6 am
>she says it's ok, hops over bar, gets more beers
>ask her about her knee
>says she was in the train crash
>have no idea what she is talking about because why would I
>she starts crying, apparently there had been a train crash in suburban Prague a few days earlier, eight dead

Never change the tags in a store!

>First job in grocery store
>Been there a few weeks
>My job is just to front things
>Go along
>Pulling shit to the front of the shelf
>Just trying to do this shit
>Suddenly woman in her late 60's appears
>"Are you changing these tags?"
>Am I what
>I'm just wilting because what the fuck I don't what oh god please stop yelling
>Explain I don't change the tags
>I just move things to the front of the shelf

Me and my Cousin

>5 years ago
>20 years old, cousin is 19
>go camping every year with family in the mountains
>I tell my parents I'm gonna drive out the next day, since I still have shit to do in town
>uncle pipes up and says "hey, well then you can pick up your cousin at the bus station and drive her out!"
>okay sounds good
>haven't seen cousin in quite a long time, don't know what to expect
>get to bus station, and meet up with her
>she's pretty cute, solid 7.5/10, but really quirky
>hit the road with her and start talking about how university is going etc..
>get to campground, meet up with family, and start unpacking

The rat

>Be me in early 20's
>Making LSD and selling it to pay for chemical engineering university
>go to next city over to see fuck friend
>she works nights in coffee shop next to strip club
>She not at work yet
>go to strip club
>get fucking really drunk and horny at club
>last call at strip club
>go to coffee shop
>she's working
>fuck in back, then eat 3 huge egg salad sandwich's
>she asks if I have any acid (LSD)
>Give her 3 tabs


>be me, 19
>party and drink a lot
>brother is a cop
>cops bust a party I'm at with weed and alcohol
>underage bitches scatter
>plant my ass in my car and wait
>cop I know through my brother knocks on my window
>asks if I had been drinking and smoking weed
>tell him drinking yes smoking no
>tells me to leave for a park around the corner and sleep it off in my car
>tells me he won't rat me out to my bro
>drunk me drives to a park on the other side of town
>pass through red light
>red and blue lights in my mirror

You are free to go

>be me
>year of our Lord 2014
>flying from Oz to LAX
>visited Turkey and Iran in 2012
>visible warning bells on the dude checking my passport
>"Sir would you follow that officer please"
>ushered into interrogation room

Say what you want about American immigration officers, but they've refined their good cop/bad cop routine to a work of art.

>"sir what were you doing in Iran?"
>tourism, sir.
>smirks on their faces

Whitney rape

>be me
>on a band trip
>staying overnight at this hotel
>I'm in room with two other guys, Eric and Jeff
>Jeff has stolen this shitty, sweet, liquor from his parents and brought shot glasses
>chaperones are clueless, totally easy to get this one chick into our room late at night, Whitney
>Whitney's father is in the army or some shit, this is her first year at our school and already knows she'll be moving at the end of the year
>Whitney is 7.5 / 10, but super needy / always doing dumb shit for attention. caught making out with her friend's bf earlier in the year, she has no friends now
>chatty as fuck but totally willing to drink with us in our room
>truth or dare starts

Cops of Anonville

>Be 22, nontraditional loser college student
>Visit friend from high school
>Friend is punk rocker, complete with leathers and funny hair
>I am squarejohn looking but avid smoker
>Friend has pot dealer two towns over, 5 minutes by expressway
>Just out of high school, lives with parents
>Dad is sick of visitors, have to let him in my car, roll around the block, leave him off and go
>Do so, then six blocks away, nearly to expressway, rollers
>See my student loans flash before my eyes.
>Pull bag out of my pocket and ask no-college friend to hold it
>He does, and is my friend for life
>License and registration, know why I'm pulling you over
>No, sir.
>Who were you visiting?

Tale of the broken wang

>be 14
>one day want to have foreskin removed
>ask mom to set up appointment for surgery
>ff to day of surgery
>in the waiting room awaiting doctor to arrive
>wait for over 1-2 hrs
>autism hits me
>afraid doctor will cut my willy off
>finally doctor arrives, hauls me to next room
>actually start to be afraid of surgery
>doctor is knocking me out for surgery
>start inhaling anestesia
>oh shit my nigger the drugs hit me
>wake up in hospital bed with mom and doctor by bedside
>mom tells me i was saying things like "I feel great mom" and "what happened to my dick?"
>look at penis
>jesus christ

A story for the 4chan archive

I think it is time to reveal my deep and dark addiciton. Hopefully I can give you faggots some joy from my embarrasment.

>be me 13 years old
>obnoxious curious kid
>been playing football all day
>dirt everywhere
>decide to take shower
>wtf is dis
>shaving foam?
>start fucking around with it smearing it everywhere
>looks like whipped cream
>how it taste?
>put a little amount in mouth
>eat a little more

About potatoes and landwhales

>produce worker at save on foods
>Middle of summer
>Normie old faggot comes in
>asks about the "spuds"
>'they're fresh.'
>"are you sure they are, son?
>yeah pretty positive
>Takes bite out of softball sized potato
>I watch in disbelief
>eats entire potato
>Still in disbelief
>walks out of store

>still 21
>Fat feminazi that always asks about salad dressings comes in
>shes typically pretty friendly to me

Small theft auto

>be 17 white male
>goes camping in mountains with friends
>exhaust pipe on buddies station wagon breaks off brackets and is now dragging on the ground
>night 2 of camping trip friends get spooked becauze they hear someone walking through our campsite.
>friends break down camp and take off at 3 am.
>driving through city at 4am in friends station wagon exhaust dragging on ground, sparks flying
>every time we spot a cop have to stop and act like we are fixing the dragging exhaust pipe.
>station wagon friend drops of other friend and I at my house.
>other friend and i hop into my 72 bug i proceed to take him home.
>drop friend off and proceed to drive back home. Cop flips a u-turn and flips lights on.
>immediately pull over.

Collapsing lung

>one day get a strange feeling in lower chest
>like when you drink soda too fast
>that gas bubble kind of shit
>ignore it
>doesn't go away
>each day it gets harder to take full breaths
>day 4
>homecoming dance
>trying to power through
>barely make it an hour into it before telling then gf I need to get home and lie down
>we still fucked
>tell dad about chest pain when I get home
>he takes me to the ER
>surprise surprise my lung collapsed
>spontaneous pneumothorax
>air in chest cavity keeps my lung from expanding

Alpha > Beta

>be college freshmen
>audition for play
>director offers me the lead immediately after auditions, no need for callback
>like a boss
>gf scores one of the 3 female roles
>the guy playing her love interest in show is one of the most pathetic betas I've ever met
>will call him R
>R develops a crush on my gf
>she tells me that he is starting to get pretty handsy
>just playfully at first, and she just brushes it off
>I ain't even jelly
>but it continues
>to the point where she starts to get uncomfortable

r9k mode, activate!

I've got one.

>be 16
>recently lost about 80 lbs to ask out the girl I like
>she accepts, we date for about 6 months.
>break up with her because I feel like I like her too much, and we are too young
>start dating new girl about 3 months later
>lose my virginity to her
>3 months later she gets "raped" by a 35 year old hobo
>I'm a fucking wreck, parents friends who are cops tell me she was a whore and to move on
>her and her mom somehow convince me that she was "raped" and she was a virtuous girl who dindu nuffin


>just get weird about things that happen inside my body some times
>get real bad pain in my lower right tummy
>like real bad
>feels like snakes are moving in there
>fucking agony
>can't move my legs without pain
>the feeling inside makes me cringe like fuck
>google symptoms like a dumbass
>welp, it oughta be the appendix
>measure my temperature just to make sure with a thermometer up my ass
>temperature is inconclusive
>decide fuck it, imma drive to the hospital
>didnt pack shit, didnt know what to expect, never been to hospital
>arrive, tell them about symptoms (went straight into ER, as said, never been to hospital, didnt know how this shit went down normally)

Bad for your karma

>be me
>friend's gf 6/10 actually pretty ugly but nice ass
>she's pretty much a bitch, kissed one other mutual friend and always flirting with me or the other friend
>be last weekend
>I go to my friend's house, chill and smoking like every friday
>suddenly slut gf comes out of nowhere
>"hey anon, didn't know you were going to be here tonight"
>I fucking hate her because she makes me feel uncomfortable with all the flirting
>my friend knows but doesn't even care
>anyways, she starts drinking and smoking with us

Grandparents of my dreams

>be 19
>working as bouncer at nightclub
>go to pick up some garbage by the front door when some fatass Nigger shouts "YEAH MUHFUCKAH" and knocks trash can over
>call him a fucking idiot and throw him out the front door
>suddenly these two hot blondes see me do this and come over to me
>"OMG, you are so hot!"
>both of them come home with me after work
>we sit down on the couch and I start fooling around with the first girl
>my hands are going into her yoga pants
>suddenly my grandfather comes in out of nowhere talking in his thick Chicago Italian accent
>"ayy, yoo guise wanna watch a moovie?"

Don’t read this if you’re under 18

>Date girl
>Girl is a huge slut
>See her maybe once every three days
>Always have sex when we meet
>I'm sterile
>She's hugely afraid of being pregnant
>Always use protection
>Never tell her I'm sterile
>Find out she cheated on me
>We break up

>She starts dating new guy
>He hates me
>She moves in with him
>Still talk to her
>Hang out occasionally
>Eventually we start having sex
>Have sex at cheap motels and in my car

Anon the adventurer

>Be me
>Become an adventure seeker
>Also happen to be a Search & Rescue Medic
>Didn't follow my own fucking rules of telling people where i'm going
>Decide great Idea to also go off trail and explore
>Find a cave
>Oh shit it's a mountain lion den
>come face to face with a mother mountain lion
>make myself appear large, shout and holler
>slowly back away
>think of where my knife is in case shit gets serious
>It didn't I got away
>Decide to head back
>I was about 5 hours away from a trail

The Asian chick

>in college
>asian chick from canada in my chemistry class
>named irene
>never really talk to her
>a year or so later, bump into her on campus
>she starts talking to me like we are best friends
>suggests we study together
>invites me over to her place
>we study for a few minutes and she casually suggests sex
>don't have to ask me twice
>the nightly sex continues almost everyday for a month
>after one month she stops answering my calls/texts
>after a few days she calls me while i'm in class, leaves a voice message
>"sorry, been busy. talk to you later"

Meme slaves

>be me
>be 41
>I own a meme farm
>I got a property that has a abandon jail In it
>the jail is where I keep my weeaboo meme slaves in
>they have to follow these rules 1. They can not leave 2. They can not speak out of line 3. They cannot damage the meme making equipment 4. They cannot talk to each other
>failure to do so results in death
>i obtain the weeaboos from anime conventions and they are all male and fed a strict diet of tendies and water
>they also have a quota of 3 memes a day or else death
>the memes they make fueled the meme revolution of 2016
>so to the story

Dramamine trip

>last night, dramamine trip 900mg
>Sitting in kitchen eating cherios at 3am
>Forget where i am.
>suddenly notice incoming call on spoon
>Is bill murray, Needs you to come over asap to
help him get the aquatic bear out of his koi pond
>Spoon was hand the whole time
>On the way to retrieve fishing pole to get bear out of pond
>Suddenly wild gumball machine appears
>You are trapped in gumball machine
>Try to flex your robotic bear arms to release you
from this prison
>Is out of gas, close but no cigar, chump.
>seconds later, in shower, pissing on your face upside down

Frosty cranberries

>read the greentext about the guy who gets revenge on his wife by shoving marbles up her lubed ass while she sleeps
>boner.why as author describes her shitting the marbles out of her ass
>see bag of frozen cranberries in freezer
>get curious
>get out lube, small buttplug, and computer so i can listen to deathgrips while i perform The Cranpenning to my asshole
>start rubbing my clit
>lube up asshole, insert buttplug
>okay. i am prepared.
>start popping in these frozen cranberries
>it's orgasmic. they are cold against my asshole and i can feel them inside my butt
>keep putting them inside

Surprise, surprise!

>be 21
>dating girl for 3/4 weeks
>she has house party
>get to party at like 11pm
>chick is already pretty drunk
>just enjoying the party etc. semi disregarding drunken mess
>hear my name in conversation
>this girl is giving me the look
>i try to ignore it but everytime i look at her she is looking at me all sultry
>bump into her in the kitchen
>have a super flirty back and forth
>i back off and go back to somewhere less private as not to raise suspicion
>look for girl im seeing
>turns out she has passed out in her bed

See ya in the wasteland

>Be a few years ago i was like 17
>Friends at the time were telling me how awesome tripping on benadryl and dramamine was.
>decide fuck it, it's friday night, i'm gonna take a whole bottle and go to the highschool football game
>go into kitchen, and find a bottle with all other goodies in the cabinet.
>Down like 30 of these disgusting chalky foul tasting pellets.
>Call friend that lives down the street and tell him to head my way
>he gets there and we take off for the football game and smoke a spliff on the way there..

Inhaling gasoline

>like inhaling gasoline
>i am floating in space, totally black
>i am back in my garden, dog is talking to me
>" are you okay?"
>"you fainted bro, i have to go"
>dogs runs out of my sigh
>nigger dwarfs runing all over my yard
>keep inhaling gasoline
>psychotic pink monkey masturbating with a crazy face in super speed with a big long dick watching me and eating a little fat girl hand
>grass talk to me "fuck me anon"
> grass turn into tiger carpet

British runt farm

>sitting in my lounge, listening to radio 4, wife brings over a pipe and ploughman's sandwich
>"thank you dear" I say
>finish my sandwich and listening to the dulcet tones of Ruth Alexander on Money Box
>suddenly hear a loud rapping at my single pane glass French doors, overlooking my acres of land
>my brow furrows and I adjust myself upright in my armchair, slowly turning my head to face the window and allowing my eyes to adjust to the sunlight beaming through
>once my eyes have adjusted I make out the small, deformed, piglet shaped silhouette of one of my runts at the window, wearing a sash and holding a piece of paper
>I grimace, grinding my molars together in blistering fury
>"Martha" I mutter to my wife, "get my rifle"

I made a girl become addicted to drugs

>Be 17
>Met in school a qt girl
>Shy, quiet, and awkward
>She can't do visual contact and she always stutters
>We had the same interests (vidya, /x/ stuff...) so we were friends
> She was really nice and talkative with me and that made me feel special somehow
>Her voice was so nice when it was fluid and her eyes used to shine a lot
>But her life is a fucking trainwreck
>Her dad used to abuse her and her mom before ran away to America or Canada (I don't remember), her mom was always clubbing and always came home drunk with a random guy and she basically forgot she had a daughter, she had to work in two stores to eat and pay taxes, she drop out school for job, and I'm sure her neighbour raped her or something

How I learned I didn't actually want to die

>depressions kicking in making me want to die
>know if i just ride through like usual i'll be fine
>recent friend wants to take me camping
>never knew anyone that did outdoors shit and i have this crippling fear of being alone cause reasons but love being outdoors
>take him up immediately
>figure if anything it'll clear my head
>head up north
>friend has this place he goes on the usual
>just some clearing on the border thats been kept clear from near weekly use
>days trek from town but easy going since america and canada clear this swath of trees on the border for patrols and we just walk that mostly
>around mid day some bear just wanders out of the woods
>both of us freeze

The lord of fail

>be me
>have been seeing this girl for a while now
>finally reach our third date
>I plan ever detail for the perfect dinner
>book reservations at one of the most expensive restaurants in the area
>when she arrived her eyes started glowing
>I could bet she felt something for me
>we have a fun date; she keeps laughing at my jokes
>literally having fun and not nervous at all
>feel very confortable with her, probably too much
>bill comes and I pay for everything, so my chances of pussy availability are the highest
>"Want me to take you home, anonette?"

My first time

>be me
>be 17
>Go to a high school party in my town with friends
>get drunk before
>Dem grillz doe.jpeg
>Keep partying on till me and my friend hook up with 2 girls
>My grill is probably a 6/10 at highest
>Fuck it I was not about to protest bangning a pizzaface
>We hook up making out, my teenage cock is hard as diamonds
>Gonna fuck tonight.oot
>Says she's on her period and don't want to fuck
>Get her number

How Anon became a Nazi

>be me
>be autistic
>obsessed with The Sound of Music
>have autist friends who also think The Sound of Music is the shit
>one day go out into the normie world with autist friends
>walking down the sidewalk
>walk past an alleyway and see some guys hanging out down there
>they're wearing the nazi symbol sweatband things on their jackets
>/b/tard instincts kick in and turn down the alleyway
>autist friends are hesitant but follow because autistic
>meet n greet nazis
>these assholes are full on aryan; blonde hair, blue eyes, the works

Cuck in the making

Not that good at telling stories, but I'll give it a shot.

>be me a year ago
>best friend and I have a bro down for a weekend
>"anon invite that girl you like to come over"
>"heh, she'll never come.."
>invite her
>"I'd love to come anon, will your friend be there?"
>think nothing of it, "Y-yeah"
>decide we'll get alcohol and relax with her for the night
>night comes, one bottle of vodka and one 1 litre box orange juice
>we drink a bit, get about halfway through the bottle