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Showing posts from January, 2016

Best bottled water

>be me
>first grillfriend
>cheated on me 3 times
>kept going back to her
>anon realizes he is dumb
>stops talking to her
>she messages anon every once in awhile to see what's up
>anon always tells her to fuck off m8
Jump ahead
>be me
>at concert with friends
>dark trashy venue
>see cheating first grillfriend

Spending the day with based grandpa

>be me
>be hanging out with based grandpa
>visit him whenever I can because I love him
>grandpa asks "would you like to go take a walk with me in the park? I'm tired of sitting on this couch"
>say yes
>go outside and walk to park, only two blocks away
>grandpa brings iPod and headphones
>arrive at park, sit on park bench
>grandpa asks me "Have you heard that new cool song called 'Gangam Style?'"
>grandpa isn't exactly "hip" so I humor him and say no
>he gives me headphones and plays the song for me
>cringe internally but I love him so I pretend to enjoy it

A Cider on Australia Day

>Be working the bar at the local pub  >Always ends up being a good time on australia day  >chatting to all sorts of interesting characters  >suddenly, the bar goes silent as a chinese, left-wing, humanities student with a vegetarian physique nervously walks into the pub  >can see he hastily hid his "no room for racism" shirt under the best designer jacket that a career student's dole money can buy  >you can almost here his piercing jangle as he shakily makes his way past all the burly real men sitting around the pub  >he is clutching his tiny students backpack with the "#Illridewithyou" sticker peeling off  >I'm guessing his uni's cocktail bar is closed down for the public holiday, as to be expected from the socialist work ethic. Meaning he was forced to get his piss here

Hambeast tumblrina

>Be me, 22, move in with cousin and his gf while I get myself set up in new city.
>Cousin is quiet and chubby, gf is loud hambeast tumblrina complete with cat glasses and princess complex. Thinks she's cute but annoys the hell out of me, and even cousin.
>One morning, sitting eating breakfast, cousins gf asks me to bring her to work
>Sits down starts bitching to kill time
>"Oh my thyroid anon, blah blah blah"
>Okay fair enough, some people have health problems whatever
>Finally Leave for work
>"Anon can we stop at burger chain? Im thirsty"
>Pull up, and she orders a litre milkshake and a litre pepsi

In the Navy

>us navy corpsman
>barracks life
>wake up to go to work one day
>showered, put on uniform, the whole routine of getting ready
>walk out to the parking structure
>car isnt where I parked it
>let my supervisor know Im gonna be late.
>talk to building manager to see if it got towed
>"idk" so I call police department
>they didnt tow my car
>go back to my shitty room with my shitty roommate.
>me: "bro idk where my car went. I think someone stole it"
>roommate (hood ass from philly) - "ay I saw your car being towed by a chief and I asked them to give you chance or something, so he left it in a different parking spot to teach you a lesson."
>suspicuous as fuck but I play his game

Where is the love?

This shit right here nigga....
>move in with friend and his mom +2 roommates
>One day while at mall with roommates see old high school friend
>She always wanted the D
>Always treated her like crap for fun
>Start talking
>Get number
>Later that night hit her up for Netflix and chill
This was before the Netflix and chill smear campaign. When it actually worked
>She agrees
>Oh boy
Fast forward
>Netflix in living room

Katana fedora

Once my katana is unsheathed, it can never be undone.
>go to mall
>mom buys me katana from chinese imports store
>eating my tendies in the food court
>gunfire breaks out from the first floor
>"it's time"
>stand and get in unsheathing stance
>mom grabs arm and tries to stop me
>before she has time to speak, a stray bullet explodes her head
>ribbons of gore fly past my shocked face in slow motion
>zoom in on enraged face as background races by
>unsheath katana as dramatic low note plays overhead

Bathroom secret

>be me
>be 17 years old
>junior year in high school
>just a couple months ago
>been masturbating in the bathroom secretly for over a year now
>go into bathroom
>pull down pants
>sit on toilet
>pull up porn on my phone
>masturbate for 15 minutes
>finally finish
>come out of bathroom
>play video games for a couple hours
>back to the bathroom for another "crap"
>another 15 minutes masturbating
>repeats cycle again

That one kid

>be me, 18
>well known in school, good reputation
>loser guy follows me around for no reason
>confront him one day
>ask what he wants
>"you're my idol" he says
>get his skype
>Skype him late at night
>his mum is surprised and cries in delight
>mum thanks me for being his friend
>realize the kid has autism
>Skype him everyday to keep his mum happy
>don't even talk to the kid in school
>year goes like that, lose all contact with him after that
>delete his contact from skype
>4 years later

Halloween hell

Okay /b/. Gather round for tale of epic proportions. The Party City chronicles. But before we get into the good stuff, we must first start from the beginning.

>be HS me 17 years old JR in HS. , browse /b/ since 8th grade so naturally i am wiley as fuck
>Best Friend who is half black (we'll call him Paul.) because he had a white ass name like that.
>Big buff mother fucker whose daily routine is
>Wake up for school at 7:30am, go to school -sleep all class period's- get home and sleep until 7pm. Wake up, eat browse /b/, /fit/ and lift until 6am then go to sleep again
>doesn't play football or do anything sports wise

The patriarchy made her pay

>out for coffee with gf, sitting on patio
>gf doesn't really speak, almost completely mute
>mainly communicate through signing, whistling, facial expressions, and physical contact
>sort of developed our own language through this
>see this horrendous beast approaching, thinking of the hilarious possibilities
>red hair, thick glasses, septum piercing, shirt that said "act like a lady, think like a boss"
>probably 275 lbs
>oddly small tits, though
>she's getting closer
>sign to gf "don't panic, just trust me. This will be fun"
spoiler: things got a bit out of hand
>she gets within earshot
>start having a conversation with gf in our "language"

Shit kid

>be me
>work at a shitty IT store, we fix smartphones and computers
>customer comes in with his kid who is probably 12-13, this kid looks like he swallowed a fucking beach ball, this kid was fatter than me, and i'm a fat fuck
>i hear the kid whimpering
>the dad tells me his computer broke when the kid was playing a game
>i tell the dad to give me the computer and i'll check it out, when i finish my sentence the kid says that i have to fix it without booting it up
>so i tell him i can't because i don't know what's wrong
>after 15 minutes of the kid screaming at his dad that i couldn't take a look because he had "all his secret documents" on there

Bad dad

>be me, 16 years old
>straight a's, great grades on mostly everything
>dad never at home
>mom never at home
>dad only skypes me to tell me how much of a disgrace i am
>tells me a whiny little bitch because i take days off from time to time (i go to this really good home school program, because my dad makes like 120,000$ a year)
>take days off because i struggle with stress
>he complains to my mom and the cycle starts over again
>mom calls me a lazy fuck
>deeply care about both my mom and dad but they just take it too far
>one night, 12 pm, can't sleep
>dad calls

Digging graves

>be me
>be senior year
>dad gives me old car so i can get to my job
>job is being old rich neighbors gardener
>shit is exhausting but get payed mad cash.
>FF a couple months
>Halloween is coming around
>rich old fuck comes out and asks me to do some decorations for his house
>asks me to dig up some holes to look like empty graves
>cool idea but more shit for me to do
>completely forget about that for about 2 weeks
>rich fuck says i have to have decorations done by the 28th

The guest

>be me
>parents own this b&b thing so basically ppl come stay in a guest room in our house for a few days and give my parents money
>this week we get a guest
>guest is weird af
>guest room is like at the side of our house next to car port and the back door to my house
>when guest see's a car coming she runs inside and peaks out of the door
>guest tells my dad shes getting chinese food delivered
>she tells him not to bring the food to her when he arrives, instead tell the chinese guy to go around the side and give her the food
>chinese guy with food comes
>dad brings him to the guest room

Autism intensifies

bored, im gonna write you story about one of my autistic teenage times /b/

>be me, 7years ago, 12-13yo
>not native english speaker, moved to London 2 years ago
>somehow i used word fuck, fucking ect. alot when speaking to friends
>whynot, im a real gangsta
>foot size is getting bigger
>no more heelys
>need new pussymagnet boots
>mom says let's go to shopping centre and buy some new
>i really liked to showoff infront my friends
>already knew what im going to buy
>say ,,meh, okay.."
>we came to shopping centre

That was mean

>be 7th grade kid (so like 12 or 13, i think closer to beginning of semester so lets say 12)
>group of 2 other friends I've known for like 6 and 8 years
>always trying to find a way to fuck around with a semi-special kid
>went around with bad tics shaking his hands and shit
>occasionally talking to himself
>one of the few kids that would eat the meatball sandwiches our school provided, they always seemed gross.
>We would fuck with him saying stuff like "Anon, how's that testicle sandwich?"
>replies screaming "It's not a testicle sandwich!!"
>dumb kid shit like that

Slaying TardZilla

>Be me
>go to target with mom to get some stuff
>mom lets me go wander off to the toy isle
>get to pick one toy
>start walking
>TardZilla is behind me with his mom
>afraid of tards back then
>run past him
>he chases after me
>at this point I'm crying and running for my life
>run into the janitor closet and hide
>TardZilla sees me
>Gives me death stare
>Screeches so loud that Helen Keller can hear it in the dirt
>grab broom

Adolf wäre stolz

>11th grade
>short nip kid, 5'3, looked about 13-14
>been going on /b/ and /pol/ for the last 5 years
>history class
>gotta write a 1600 word paper on if Hitler's actions were justified
>turn the redpill up to 11
>next week
>papers due
>didn't notice the other side of the assignment said there was an oral presentation
>look like a deer in the fucking headlights
>start stuttering
>somewhat collect myself, and nerviously start reading
>fucking deny the holocaust

Held captive for 10 years by Australian woman

Hey guys, this is my story about how I was held captive for 10 years. It is 11:00 PM on friday night in Australia and I’m sitting at home drunk... i got a call from my bitch ex today... she threatened to have my house burnt down if I call the police on her... I'll tell you guys the whole story if you guys can give me some advice... fuck it i kind of just want to get it all off my chest.

>Be me at 17, Meet girl at a party
>She’s hot man... like 9.. 10 for me because I’m like a 6 on a good day
>Talks to me all night, Start making out, Ride home, Tells me to pull over, On my dick straight away
>second date one of her friends is there... not as hot, maybe 6, 3som happens
>be me, Fuck yeah
>move in after like 6 months together, everything still pretty good

I think I got roofied

>Be me, lonely night in
>Alcoholic attempting to cut down
>Been doing well lately, decide to treat myself to a drink
>Buy a bottle of vodka and a bottle of rum
>35cl bottles, not the huge fuckers
>Drink the rum and a small amount of the vodka
>Bored, decide to go for a walk into the city centre to see the Christmas lights
>Wander around tipsy for a bit
>See lights
>See giant Christmas tree
>Decide to go to the pub, see if I can find some company
>Walk in, two 30-something guys say something to me, I smile and order a pint
>"How you doing? You on your own?"
>End up sitting with them, whynot.jpg

The king of efficiency

Story time
>be me
>have obsession with efficiency
>have to be as efficient as possible with everything
>come home,want to make coffee , but also have to shit bad
>go to shit
>realise water could be heated while i do this
>obsession kicks in
>noone is home
>stand up with a shit covered ass,bend down a little so it does not get everywhere
>go to kitchen and turn on the heater
>as i do so i feel a piece of shit desperately trying to escape

Yolo, indeed

>be me
>privileged white kid going to private school
>tired of being a little fag and doing fag shit like playing cards with my "friends"
>start hanging out with the mexicans
>i cant get in trouble so i give them like an extra 20 bucks to get me weed or whatever
>one day run out of weed
>heard you can get high off painkillers
>i steal some of my mothers roxicontin
>this is way better than weed
>tell me taco bender friends
>burrito boy tells me he can get me something way better
>was like 80 bucks for a g

Lead and luck

>11th grade
>astronomy class
>me and 3 friends all sit together in the back of class
>always fucking around but the class was pretty easy
>today we get to do a lab
>assignment is to make a “meteor” by melting lead and pouring it into a mold
>each group gets to make its own mold
>”no penises”
>get to lab station and start melting little lead balls in a tiny crucible
>actually pretty neat

OP is a dick

>be me
>be 16 (3 years ago)
>hanging out with a friend
>has a serverly autistic/mentally retarded
14 year old little brother
>he's the type of autistic that cant speak for himself
>he can only quote stuff
>he also doesn't know how to talk softly, he only shouts
>he one time screamed "PIXAR PRESENTS THE INCREDIBLES IN THEATERS NOW" while everyone is trying to sleep
>anyways, back on topic
>friend has to go to store with his mom
>he asks me to keep him occupied until he gets back
>that means im in their home alone
>now is a perfect time to fuck with him

Dog rapist

>ok here's my story about how I became known as a dog rapist
>be me
>have doge (pic related)
>doges are known for "screaming" if they don't like something
>mine does it when bath-time
>she likes mud, so bath-time is common thing
>many screaming
>one day, cops at my door
>"hello sir, we have reports of screaming children in your house, is everything alright in here?"
>have doge for 3 years now, am surprised that now all of a sudden cops come around
>explain to cops I have no kids and also explain what the screaming actually is
>they still want to search my house, I let them
>doge is there
>I tell them I can prove it is the dog

No means no

>Be me, female
>Ask fat guy friend zoned to bring codeime
>He is desperate for me
>I just want drugs
>Do out of date codeine, nothing
>He has heroine, to heroine
>On couch, melting
>His fedora fat ass starts pulling off my pants
>Starts fondling my breasts
>He tries to slip finger in me
>Naw my nigga, No means No
>Repeatedly tell him no
>Too melty to do anything
>Can't figure out sex, he is too fat


alright /b, here's a doozie.

> Be freshmen me
> Didn't have many friends at all in middle school
> school year starts, and nervous it;s gonna be a repeat of last year because I was gone all summer at a job
> go to band camp
> meet a lot of really cool people
> recognize this one girl from last year, let's call her Sarah
> start talking to Sarah, and she offers to give me trumpet lessons for school
> first lesson we just shoot the shit and play truth or dare

Why you should take a dump every day

>be mid 2000s in FL, absolute peak of pill mills
>heavily into it since 4 doctors each giving 150 30s and 150 80s each, every month
>opiates constipate you
>don't poop for 2 weeks
>get scared of the pain and don't want to try
>3 weeks go by, start shooting more pills to supress urges to go
>4 weeks go by, constant urge now, but even more scared of the pain
>get into week 6.. life is hell
>have to strongly fight urge to go
>can't sleep for more than 15min without waking up to fight off the poop
>shooting so many pills trying to fight it, we're talking 20-30 80s a day
>haven't ate in a week so as to not add more food

Fat practice girlfriend

>Junior in HS
>Girl obviously wants the D
>Long hair, pretty face, gigantic tits
>Chubby/obese, has a reputation for being crazy
>Had lost my v-card to a one night stand who wanted nothing to do with me when she sobered up
>Decide I'll take the chance and that it is a good idea to get a practice girlfriend
>we go out
>Let's me take her virginity on the second date
>Sucks dick on demand
>Loves to tit fuck me
>Her mother adores me, makes me a ton of home-cooked meals, knights me sweaters and shit
>After about 6 months hear her dad say "Well, I though she might never meet anyone, but I think he's going to marry her"

At school the other day

>be me>at school v bored>girl comes to me>7/10 would make her a delicious dinner meal>tells me there is a crazy teacher going mental>runs around corner>finds teacher wailing on kids>next minute other teachers join in>is absoloutely going mental>whole school going mental>me and 7/10 going mental >reasonably built 14 yr old kid>took karate class>watched all karate kid movies>think i can beat this guy but too shy>teachers pulls out cement laying tools

Getting high at the graveyard

After my freshman year of college I got kicked out due to shit grades.
I ended up taking some time off school and moved home where my parents were super disappointed and I ended up doing all sorts of crazy shit. I call this my "finding myself" year and I could probably write about 20 greentext stories, but I'll start off with this one:

>knew this guy named Pat
>knew him in 9th grade because we rowed crew together but never really hung out with him
>I moved away after 9th grade but my parents moved back once I went to college
>after failing out and moving back home, find out he was taking time off from school and was back home too
>Pat is a good dude, very smart and likes to have deep conversations.
>we smoke a lot of weed together
>its cool talking about the cosmos and philosophy and stuff while high but sometimes it can be a lot to handle. like, dude sometimes I just want to bullshit
>anyways we have a spot that we often like to smoke at
>its …

My brother and me

older brother
>missive gainz, used to be a college football player
>huge number of friends
>goes through girlfriends and one night stands like crazy
>works at a hospital, has rich doctor friends he always hangs out with
>crazy jawline and chin
>girls always talking about his amazing face

>can't carry a onversation without saying something weird and scaring people off
>have this weird issue where I stare at people without paying attention and it creeps them out

The White Knight suffers

Times you got what you deserved for whiteknighting

>be in fourth year at uni
>a month or so before finals, decide to let loose for one night because I hadn't in ages
>some post-spring-break party going down a couple blocks from campus
>not having much fun, but stick around because it was a good distraction regardless
>night goes on, by 2am party is still going strong but past its peak
>see some chad carrying a girl upstairs over his shoulder, she is completely limp
>realize she's passed out and this dude's about to take advantage of her
>run whiteknight.exe

On a flight to Svalbard

>fly to Svalbard
>Eat some leftovers the day before
>get to airport, total winter chaos, flights cancelled left and right
>My first flight is also cancelled
>go to counter
>WHAT? you want to go the WHERE? where the hell is that?
>I have a 12 hour stopover in Oslo anyways, so no problem
>get rerouted with two more stops and 500km in the wrong direction
>whatever, I have the time
>waiting for first flight
>Damn, whats those noises coming from my bowel?
>Something needs to get out

Anger for life

>Get suspended from high school twice for drinking
>go to college
>frat boy Chads beating up my friend at party
>join fight to stop them from kicking his head in
>all party goers evacuate
>frat boys take me down, hold me down burn me with massive cigar
>drink heavily 24/7, never forgive my friends for abandoning us
>stop attending classes start using any drug I can, multiple bad trips ensue
>blackout drunk and blackout anger all the time
>arrested twice, expelled

Fuck Normies!

>sitting at my anime station
>mom comes in
>she's one of the normies I loathe so much
>"anon come shopping with me, you need to get out of the house once in a while"
>tell her to fuck off, dumb bitch
>"I'll buy you whatever you want"
>get my trench coat on and head on out
>we're getting a supermarket cart
>tell her I want to ride in the cart
>"no anon, you're too big for that"
>start screaming and stamping my feet
>she reluctantly obliges
>I squeeze myself into the cart
>you can hear the cart creaking
>mom struggles to push me into the store