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Hooker fail stories - part 1

>Friend gets absolutely blasted and wants to make me a "sweet 16 like that crap tv show!"
>I was slightly drunk as well.
>friend says he knows a guy who could get me any kinda girl i could imagine for a price and he was willing to pay that price.
>Think to myself fuck he's gonna be pissed he spent like a grand on me on a drunken whim but ANY kind of girl is a huge fucking sell.
"I want a 50-60 something white milf with nice cans, a bit of meat, and a huge bush."
>friend just stares blankly for a second
"Man, i thought i had you pegged and was gonna ask for a 12 year old or something. Now i gotta call him up and have him switch it."
>not entirely sure if he's serious

A story that makes you think

>57, divorced, overweight, dead end job
>my kids like their stepdad more than me
>living in a motel for the past few months
>used to browse reddit, now only browse /b/
>drunk daily
>never happy
>no friends, no family
>have gun
>want to die
>just past 9am in Alabama
>day off work
>already drinking
>looking at my gun now
>have car
>wouldn't mind killing myself today
>knows theres no heaven or hell

So tired

> Me being me Last Friday, Just finished having 3 servings on dinner from 3 separate sources after I triple book dinner and starved myself accidentally all morning
> Get call from friend Roaring party of 5 people happening at Anons house in east
> MFW whynot.jpg
> Rock up people drunk me not drunk
> 3 grills 2 guys
> Night goes on
> Friends throw my name around with extremely drunk and attractive girl 8/10 definitely punching
> They all leave, and leave me at hers
> Just me and her

My dog has cancer

Okay /b/ so,
>be me
>yesterday
>Call mom on my way to work round 8:30am
>says she's gonna take my childhood dog to the vet today because she's been having troubles
>3pm
>2 missed calls from mom
>ff 2 hours once im off work
>call her
>"Can you come stay with me for a couple days?"
>uhsure.jpg
>my mom and i never bonded growing up so it was strange
>ff to 10:30pm

Riding the storm

>be travelling Australia - Brazil to work
>first leg with LAN SYD-SCQ
>better than expected
>TAM connecting flight to GIG cancelled
>ok.jpg
>spend 16 hours in a frankly amazing LAN lounge at Santiago airport
>finally get a connecting flight to Rio
>board up on a Dash-9
>wtf tiny plane was expecting 777
>terribly turbulence from the start
>air hostesses go ahead and start serving food and drink anyway even though they can barely stand up straight in the aisle
>Captain comes on and only gives a message in Portuguese
>ask old woman next to me what is going on and she uses broken english to translate a storm
>on cue plane is essentially being thrown around

Anti depressants cause anti cum

>be me an hour ago
>sitting at home watching football
>on anti-depressants caus depressed
>libido has been a bit temperamental as a result
>suddenly get the urge
>load up some porn
>begin to beat my meat
>masturbating furiously
>going dry because uncut masterrace
>going at it like a 4-time olympian and commenwealth games gold medal winner of self-pleasuring
>....
>.........
>30 mins later still choking the ol' pneumatic chicken like I'm jerkin it to save the human race

Graffiti king

>be 17 year old me
>very into graffiti
>had a mate who was also very into it and very good, we went out painting together a lot
>stock up on paint and decide to hit a rooftop near my house, if we painted our piece in the right spot it would be able to be seen from almost anywhere nearby
>somuchyes.jpeg
>mate spends the night at mine, organise game plan during day and when night falls we head off
>the way the building was positioned on a hill (it was a coastal area, right at the beach front) you could actually get onto the roof from the ground by jumping/climbing a very large fence (the building kinda jutted out said hill, v scenic)

It's a customer thing, stupid

>be me, last year
>working as a waiter at ihop
>pay is shit, but the discount is nice
>managers pretty cool to
>woman comes in with her little kid
>show then to their seats and bring over a booster seat because kids to small
>"Oh no, my son doesn't use booster seats"
>take the booster seat back and come back to get their order
>"excuse me, my son can't reach the table"
>apologise and retrieve the booster seat
>"i said my son doesn't use booster seats"
>wtf.jpg

The hunt for anon

>be me
>17 year old boy
>senior year fuck yeah
>in the library for an essay for English
>hear a loud bang
>don't think much of it, though one of the massive ass printers fell over or something
>then I hear screaming and another
>fuckthis.jpg
>run and hide in the bookshelves
>see the source of the bangs
>its a girl, let's call her Jane
>never talked to her, but she didn't seem that edgy before
>has handgun and wearing Kevlar vest
>fuckfuckfuckfuck

Eye sanitizer

>be me
>be known as dodecahedrifocals amongst my friends due to my quadrifocal glasses
>author of summer camp greentext and willy and twat greentext
>this is a tale from third grade when I was merely on singular focal length
>so I’m sitting at a table
>be in an afterschool program cause parents are fucking workaholic narcolepts
>chatting with a buddy ol pal of mine about shit
>when suddenly this bottle of hand sanitizer catches my fancy
>we’ll call my friend Tony The Tiger
>THEY’REGREEEEEEAAATT.wav
>I looks at my buddy tony

Greentexted on Facebook

Hi all!

As of now, you can also follow greentexted on Facebook. To do so please find the follow on facebook button which is located right above the follow on twitter button on the right sidebar.

There are two reasons why I decided to start a page on Facebook.

1. The first reason is that I want to gain more followers. As some of you know I'm doing this as a hobby. It makes me very happy that I have established some kind of "fanbase" consisting of people who check out greentexted every day to read new stories. By sharing stories on Facebook I want to reach more people and grow my audience. Basically, parts of the posts from the site are being feeded into FB together with a link that leads visitors of the FB-page to this site. So for all of you who visit greentexted regularly, this might not be something too special or useful.

2.  The other reason is that depending on how well people accept the FB-page and interact with it I will also use it to communicate in a more direct…

The Chad gets the girl

>ahhhhh Another Saturday night,the middle of the weekend, a prefect night for some perfect fun...with a RAGING party to relive stress at Chad's Fraternity house
>The girl you love is at one right now actually..You know the one, the cute artsy one that is 'so shy' and 'so different from all the other slag'!
>All dolled up, makeup meticulously done, hair straightened and primped, wearing that light fruity perfume you love to sniff every time she walks by, just to get a whiff of a part of here. She's wearing some tight fitting outfit, showing off her thin creamy legs in order to maximize the male attention she gets, you would hardly recognize her based on the the cute casual way she usually dresses, that you so adore
>drunk from the alcholic drinks that Chad keeps handing her free of charge

A-hoy, matey!

Worst sex story thread?
>Be me
>Just graduated
>Hanging out with qt3.14 girlfriend after Graduation party
>Both extremely drunk
>On my bed
>She starts rubbing my cock through my jeans
>Says that she's never role played and wants to try
>"O-okay what do you want to do?"
>"I've always wanted to fuck Jack Sparrow"
>Wat.jpg
>Only thing I have pirate related is an eyepatch and a pirate hat from a few halloweens ago
>Letsdothis.avi
>She starts sucking me off

Cancer gramps

>me rotating by internal medicine
>this 78 year old coughing gramps is hospitalized
>read history: possible lung cancer with brain meta
>welp.jpg
>gotta interview him
>"hello mr gramps, how are you feeling today? My name is anon, i need to verify some stuff with you so if you pleas..."
>"shut up fucking faggot"
>"W-what?"
>"Shut up fucking faggot"
>herewego.png
>" Mr gramps, i need some information from you, if you please, it wont take long. And im not insulting you so please dont do it"
>"Fine but make it quick"

Girl problems

>Be femanon
>18
>daddy issues
>One bad decision after another
>lots of sex
>get tired of boys
>wants a man
>at a house party
>24 yr old man
>want dat
>starts the process
>alcohol everywhere
>see him start shaking with desire
>stay up all night
>play all the right cards
>passout on couch with him as the big spoon
>start making bs excuses to see him
>sex starts on first visit to his house
>he wanted it bad
>keeps seeing him
>falls madly in love with him
>FUCK MY LIFE
>2 years later, get bored
>leaves
>ended on a semigood note
Do you think this is the part where i fucked up?
>WRONG
>decides to try it out again
>relationship was probably the best I'll ever have
>crashes and burns horribly over the course of a week
>now he think I'm a shitty whoreslut
>I've come full circle
>fml

Your turn /b/ 

read more sad stories


The nest

>be me, 7th grade
>huge hornet nest in a tree next to school
>everyday we gather to throw rocks at it
>this day: "Hey Anon, why don't you tape this firecracker to a stick and explode the nest?"
>the stick is less than 1 meter long
>seems_like_a_good_idea.jpg
>armed with a lighter and my exploding stick, I'm heading to the nest
>my friends watching me from a distance
>standing by the nest, with dozen of hornets flying around me
>not attacking me yet, still don't know why
>light the firecracker and shove it into the nest
>hornets start getting angry

Revenge kid

be me
>2010, l0th grade
>class clown
>chemistry class
>Somali kid sitting a couple tables away
>asshole, nobody likes him
>short fuse, idiot, likes to act tough
>nobody buys it
>decide to fuck with him
>thought “he‘d probably try to act tough. he‘ll get in trouble easily”
>toss paper ball at him
>tosses back harder
>it‘s on

Scabies slut

>be me, 18
>just got paid, bought some shitty weed and had planned on staying up late
>roaming through the Internet and discover backpage.com
>looking through all the ads and most are 300 for an hour for anyone even mildly decent
>find an ad that is for 60 dollars for a quickie only
>pictures are for a 23 year old woman, at least 250 pounds.
>fuckitimhorny.jpg
>nobody is awake in my house so sneak out
>get to hotel, she did incalls, go up to her room
>hotel is in nigger central in area I live near so fucking terrified I'm going to walk into a hotel room and get murdered
>lock all my valuables except 60 dollars in my car

Eeeewwww

>At a cute girls house
>Her parents just left
>lt‘s now only us two
>Her normal bathroom was being renovated
>OnIy other bathroom in the house was her parents
>She went into her parents room
>I followed in after she got out
>Figured she must of had to use the bathroom
>Big fucking shit in the toilet
>surprise.jpeg
>I mean this thing is fucking huge
>I grab lt
>Star to contemplate my options
>goforit.wav

My friend the furry

>/b/ me
>/b/ in highschool
>forget wallet at home has bus pass and cash
> Ask friend with car if i can get a lift home
>"sure anon" but h seemed preoccupied
> End of school I find friend
> Asks if he's ready to leave
> Says he cant go right now he's gotts do something
> I tell him i dont mid tagging along
> Tries to get me to wait and do something for like 3 hours then he'll take me home
> I tell him if I that there aint shit to do without cash around here
> We argue
> Eventually he says fuck it i'll tak you with me but I gotta keep my mouth shut
>We drive and eventually end up downtown next to some nice apartments

Damn Amsterdam Hookers

>be in Amsterdam
>tourist obv
>celebrating friends birthday
>we went to NL for a whole week but friend is boring af
>the most exciting thing I've done all week was playing UFC on PS4 and beat friends ass till he didn't want to play
>hoping amsterdam would be gr8
>we come with his borther
>he orders a nice 4 course meal in a boat restaurant that cruises around Amsterdam canals
>get high as fuck b4 food is awesome
>free drinks
>since I'm dissapointed Af get completly wasted
>we head to the streets.

Summer Camp greentext

>be me
>younger beta me
>at summer camp one year about to go to on a trip to six flags
>first time ever going to six flags
>OHBOI
>walk up to the parental unit
>demands 30 bucks for ridiculous shit
>get to the amusement park of my hopes and dreams
>immediately hit up every concession stand
>buys candy, hot dogs, the works
>many short hours later our group is going to the water park area
>surfsupbro.bat
>suddenly I feel a rumbly in my tumbly

Another hambeast story

>be me
>walk in the park
>nice weather
>kids playing
>sit on a bench
>after a few minutes a little girl falls of a slide right in front of me
>starts crying
>no parents around?
>after a minute I go up to her
>comfort her and ask where here mom or dad is
>"i dunno"
>sit on bench again
>she has a chafing wound on her elbow

PEN15 love

>be me in middle school
>in practice room (small sound proof room), practicing my trumpet
>in the middle of practicing my trumpet
>this faggot nose jock walks in
>shuts door behind him
>says he is hiding from principle
>tells me to act cool or get my ass kicked
>wtf.jpg he's is a grade lower than me
>try to continue practice
> he interrupts me... Again
>asks me if I want to be apart of a club
>I get excited
>finallyacceptance.jpg
>he tells me that I can get popular and free fruit baskets

Willy and twat

>be me
>be about 16
>sophomore year in hs
>walking my dog down the block one day
>feelsgoodman.rtf
>suddenly a bloody fucking all black van pulls up straightouttacompton.mov
>about to get pulled over by the fbi
>feds walk out and look at me
>I look at my dog
>dog looks back at me
>ruhrohraggy
>jk wasn’t the feds cause didn’t have sum loli
>two little rich white blobs roll outta the car like meatballs
>more like flopped on the floor like twigs

Liverpool cockblock

Times when you cockblocked yourself

>be me
>friends parents going away for weekend
>tell him we should watch Liverpool vs Arsenal at his, with our group (around 9)
>theres only really 4 of us who can watch a full game of football so they invite some 8-9/10s over
>never spoken to them. they all seem bitchy
>whatever
>the girls actually come and they have drinks too
>play a few drinking games with them everythings going well
>team up with 8.5/10 for beer pong
>dat ass

You'll pay for this

Have any of you ruined any ones life?
I'll start with mine.

>be me first day of middle school
>try to befriend a group of kids
>one of them grabs me and force feeds me string cheese
>decide to fuck up his life
>become best friends gain his trust
>eventually start stealing money that his pedophile dad leaves him
>start with 5$ then find his stash and steal more
>blames his thief cousins all the time
>start drinking at 16.
>move forward 2 years

Releasing the Kraken

>Be me 19 year old virgin
>Never even kissed a grill
>meet nice 8/10 cool as fuck chick through friends
>We end up hanging out alot by ourselves after a while
>Figure i'm just zoned.
>One night i'm sick as fuck shitting my fucking brains out.
>She calls me.
>"Anon what do you think about me?..."
>I tell her that I like her
>"I like you too anon"
>I ask her if she wants to hang out that Friday
>she says no

The smell of semen in the morning

>Be me.
>Be 17.
>At a youth group event (it was a religious thing in high school. Most kids weren't even religious. We all went for friends and f*cking).
>Gf from the time is there.
>Long, curly brown/black hair.
>Warm, chocolate colored eyes.
>Smile to die for.
>She was gorgeous.
>Anyway, we're at a dance at an event.
>There were four events throughout the school year where we'd all just meet up and spend a weekend at a host family's house at a local church.
>With girlfriend at dance.
>Making out.

It's a mess

I done fucked up /b/

Context: Am 8/10 male ex girl is 4/10 bit chubby. Has Aspergers, anxiety problems and depression ( basically fucked in the head ). Dated her on and off for nine months. Cheated on me twice but was too beta to leave her disabled ass.
Fast forward two months from starting to date.

> me and gf start fighting
> her mum tries to break us up
> (mum is psycho bitch)
> gf moved into my house free of any rent charges and given money on weekly basis
> basically had no chores to do around house but be tidy
> didn't even manage that

Girl problems

>Be me
>Last year. Was 20
>I hate my life and what I study
>bf almost 3 years broke up with me
>Dind't care
>start 2015. Be 21 No close friends
>4 year at the uni. Law student. Hate everybody in there.
>dating a new person. He seems nice
>feelings and shit start bloatin
>fuck him when he wants
>4 months passed quickly
>knows he is dating someone else
>he dumped me
>cry like a brat

Not the best idea

>be me
>be summer of 6th grade
>be super chubby
>get invited over to friend hot tub party
>friend was a qt3.14 and I was excited
>go out and buy new swimsuit
>made sure to tell mom it has to be tony Hawk
>loved tony hawk but didn’t like skating at all
>be day of party
Hellyeah.jpg
>get to friends house
>only see qt3.14
>”hey anon, I’m going to get changed, you’re early. Go wait in the hot tub”
>think I have her all to myself

The retard gets the girl

>Take my motorcycle out for a ride
>It's night
>Just wanted to clear my head and go for a nice cruise
>Also been working on controlling myself from speeding and that sort of stuff
>Anyway be on my way home
>Turn left from a residential street and go onto the main road
>End up behind a car that's clearly driven by a 20 something year old by the looks of things
>Out of the blues
>He decides to slam his breaks then quickly go onto the left lane
>Starts slowing down, then speeding up trying to race me.

Daddy, what does regret mean?

>be a student
>19 years old
>living at my mom’s house
>have nice neighbours
>one day "Mrs.Neighbour" saw me and called me to enter her house
>she and her husband didn't know why they can't have children after trying so many times
>shows me the letter of her husband’s examination
>he had no ammunition
>she didn't want to tell her husband
>husband was the one who wanted children
>offers me to have sex with her
>finallylosingmyvirginity.png

Assassin’s Ravioli

>Steam Summer Sale
>Pick up AAA titles I never played
>Assassin‘s Creed II, never played the series, heard it was good.
>Load garne up and start playing
>Lasagna Pepperoni betrays my dad and kills my fat ass little brother
>Need to go kill Lasagna Pepperoni
>he escapes
>Meet up with Luigi Bologna-Ravioli
>Next mission: go find Mozzarella Pastrami and tell him that Luigi Bologna-Ravioli needs his help.
>Bologna-Ravioli and Pastrami send me off to kill Alfredo Fettucine
>Kill him
>Now they tell me to kill Orzo Risotto for some reason