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Showing posts from September, 2015

Drug addict single mother

>be me
>britfag
>raised by single mother
>she is an alcoholic and does lots of drugs
>still tries her best, but when she's in a dark place it's horrific
>do well in school anyway
>B student
>get to A levels 16-18
>start having parties
>mum is lonely so she hangs around
>she gives me my first line of cocaine, my first joint, buys me booze
>despite all the crap and her drunken rants/screaming on bad days this is a good part i guess
>"wow anon, your mum is SOO cool. i wish i had parents like that"
>no you don’t stfu, you don't have to live with it

Smoking with my mom

>i asked my mom about smoking when i was about 16
>she told me she smokes
>i did not know this
>i ask her if we could smoke cause I’m curious about it
>don’t tell her i smoked before
>she says "better to smoke with me than out somewhere else"
>it worked
>we go to my barber
>we buy 5 grams
>we come back home, she gets her hidden pipe
>i knew nothing of this
>she packs the bowl, smokes, and passes it to me

British girl in Australia

I only just told my mum the other day about what happened to me during my school years.
>be 11-12 in grade 8
>aus fag
>start school all is well
>I'm a bit chubby with long blonde hair
>v British accent because only just moved from England dur
>first off some kids liked my accent
>i kept to myself for awhile, made one good friend, I'll call her Tay
>sitting in class one day with Tay
>some other kids talking
>"oh anon this person is so fat I just don't know who I can compare her too so you get the idea"
>kid turns around and looks at me
>points at me

Beware of Red Lobster’s stuffed mushrooms

>normal day, off work
>or maybe weekend, can't remember
>decide to go running
>Red Lobster the night before
>can't prove it, but
>goddamn you, stuffed mushrooms
>gonna do a 5k, nothing major
>go out running
>half mile, no sweat
>one mile, better yet
>one and-a-half miles
>uh-oh, trouble a-brewin'
>gotta wake the Brown Dragon
>all the running jiggles it all loose
>Great Mighty Poo in my colon
>Complete Security Lockdown

Trouble looming

>go to party with wife
>to meet her coworkers
>we get to party
>she doesnt introduce me
>goes directly to her friends
>stand akwardly in corner
>decide to blaze
>feels goodman.jpeg
>wife only intoduces me personally to a guy1
>wife eventualy gets drunk
>introduces me a 2nd time to guy1
>i get annoyed
>start talking to guy2
>we start to blaze
>decide to go look for wife

Vice principal bro

Ok here goes

> be me
> 15
> in school technology class (shop for muricans)
> need to sh*t baddd
> ask teacher to go to the bathroom
> teacher is a bro says sure
> go to bathroom leave all my stuff in class
> crappy school so it's taboo to take a dump at school
> engagestealthmode.jpeg
> arrive in bathroom
> only 1 cubicle not clogged with sh*t or piss covered

What I did when I had a bad neighbor

>I work nights he worked days
>his apt next door to mine
>Everyday when i went to work at night I put music on
>not just any music
>Austin powers theme song on repeat, just load enough for him to hear through wall but not enough for him to complain or notice.
>after a week I hear him humming Austin powers in the hallway
>stage one complete,
>he is susceptible to covert programming
>next week I do the same
>but between the Austin powers song I added a person saying "F*cking Ni**er"
>Notice him on the phone later calling everyone f*cking n**er

First time taking devil’s lettuce

>be 14
>beta socially awkward loser
>ask only friend i know that smokes
>message him on facebook
>"hey remember how you told me you used to smoke?" i said
>"yeah, i still do, why?"
>"could we smoke together? i've only smoked twice"
>i lied to not look like fag
>he says yes, asks me when
>i tell him, and tell him to pick me up from my house when the parental unit is gone from the house
>he picks me up
>friend is 18, known him forever

Kung-fu hero

DOJO HAPPENINGS AND SPAZ/FREAK OUTS >be in judo class at my Uni
>There's a weird "alpha" guy in our class, lets call him sperglord
>Sperglord is the kinda guy who just can't into martial arts at all. Always stiff, just naturally shitty.
>The kinda guy that wears a polo under his gi
>The kinda guy you dont want to randori or roll with because when you win, he freaks out or starts playing very dirty
>Be in class today
>Today we drilled tai otoshi
>Sperglord in all his glory picks a white belt (who's actually half decent IMO) to drill with >it becomes time to finish, and its sperglords time as uke
>In a whirlwind of red faced, spitting-while-swearing, donald trump hair, he crashes to the ground and screams in agony
Now here, when I say scream, I don't mean kiai... I don't mean AAARRRGGHHH, I mean a fucking wilhelm scream.
>Sperg stands up with his face so fucking red, I thought he was about to have an aneurysm
>Raises his ha…

The math teacher I hated

I'm going to share some OC,
>inb4 i know i'm a fag for ripping those paper but i was in 5th grade give it a rest

>be me
>be 5th grade
>thought i was great at everything
>get a new math teacher
>always gave a rough time in class
>says i can do better
>hate her guts
>final test comes up, get a B says I can do better, and gives me a bitter look, while she congratulates everyone else
>hate her guts and rip the paper up because I’m a retard, threw it at the bin

Ecstatic fiber optics

>be me 16
>with some friends and some femanons at my house when parents are away
>the plan was for a group of us to try ecstasy
>mybodyisready.flac
>take one and an hour later not really feeling it so buy a second
>not the best idea cause after ten minutes eating the second one started rolling really hard
>feelsgoodman.mov
>this really big tweaker (mark) dude decides he wants to eat 3 and snort 3
>yes, 6 total
>after like 3 hours I felt a feel i had never felt before so I couldn’t imagine doing 6
>he inna bathroom 45 mins after popping the 3 breaking up the other 3 to snort
>he finishes snorting them and is 1000% too f*cked up

OP is a fag

>Be 15
>Sell weed, alcohol, tobacco, acid, shrooms, anything I can find
>Spring break
>Parties all around
>phone blows up
>everyone needs something
>Go to party to sell 3 bottles of vodka, bottle of jack, 2 24 packs of pbr and a bottle of captain morgan and of course a half of weed
>"Stay anon"
>"I can't I got a lot of stuff to do"
>Couple of grils get up on me
>"Alright"
>Get wasted, be like of the party. I played football and sold drugs. Everyone loved me
>I was a total chad

Something lurks in the bathroom

>be me
>couple years ago
>go to what everyone was calling the party of the year
>didn't expect much bc the girl is an extreme b*tch, but turned out to be a huge party with people running around breaking stuff, drugs and sex everywhere
>excited af
>drop some acid
>have good time for a couple hours
>have to take a dump VERY BAD
>usually uncomfortable with shitting in places out of my home but fugg it I had to crap
>tripping balls at this point
>sit down and start to sh*t

Concealed carry license

>Have concealed carry license for Ohio
>Driving to Texas to visit family
>Stop in Indiana to pick up sister
>Driving through Illinois
>Pulled over by popo
>Illinois does not have reciprocity law
>Still allowed to have gun loaded on me in car
>Not allowed to have loaded gun on me outside of car
>By law I inform officer I'm a conceal carry holder and that I have a loaded firearm on me
>He says to step out of the vehicle
>Tell him I want to remove my handgun first so I'm not carrying a loaded firearm outside of vehicle
>IF YOU REACH FOR THAT GUN I WILL SHOOT, NOW GET OUT OF THE CAR!

Bad experience with street hooker

Anyone had any bad experiences with street hookers?
>be me
>be 16
>walking to the store
>have to walk down a dark dimly lit road to get to the road where the store is
>usually okay, just a couple of thugs being loud
>see a woman pacing up and down the pavement at the other side of the road
>assume she's high
>4/10 at best
>keep walking
>get to the store
>buy my stuff

But Dad

>be me
> have nothing to do since exams are over
>browse internet all day
>parents are giving me crap about it
>can’t get myself to do anything else, continue to browse
>always the same boring crap
>her about 4chan and decide to check it out
>awholenewworld.jpg
>days go by
>parents have an „intervention“ and tell me to go outside
> tell them that the internet is like a whole new place
>a place of learning and discovering, with its own language

Har she blows!

>be me
>gym class cut short cuz of assembly
>get to assembly
>filling the aisles with students
>sit down next to my friends
>miscounted one of the chairs so the feminist whale has no place to sit
>looks at me
>"you need to move"
>no.lol
>this is my seat for the class
>"bitch we just came from the same gym class this room isn't used for anything but assemblys"
>look down the isle

You dun goofed

>Be me
>Be fresh out of college
>Owe your family to the government cause college loans ( about 100k)
>been obese my whole life, too lazy to do anything about it
>Ugly ass morning come to work one day
>work at city bank
>work next to 7/10 teller girl named Courtney
>in my two weeks of working I haven't worked up the courage to talk to her
>decide that today is the day I finally try
>wait until lunch break
>we usually eat in completely separate places
>too scared to ask her to lunch so I just followed her for a while
>she noticed me about 3 minutes into the walk

A Boner story

Tell us your /b/rothers your most awkward boner stories. I'll start.

>be me
>in hospital
>penis inspection day
>not really this is a true story
>but seriously
>have a catheter in my dick
>nurse comes in to take out the catheter
>10/10 qt3.14
>like seriously perfect
>cannot overseers her attractiveness
>she pulls my hospital gown aside to pull out the catheter
>feelsweirdman.jpg

My best friend

>be me
>move to new house with family right outside of town, age 5
>meet another kid with his He-man toys coming over to us almost literally first day we moved there.. Two years older than me, already in school, but age doesn't matter.
>become best friends over whole childhood, inherit his stuff, 'old bikes', sometimes jackets; hang out almost every day for years.
>He's the first to have Gameboy, Sega, NES, and SNES. Relatively rich parents single child.
>Spend more time with him than with my two siblings during summer and overall.
>Transformers, Nintendo, television shows

It was too much

>Be me
>Around 17
>In bus on my way home from school
>One girl in my class had a crush on me and was cuddling up all the time, was pretty attractive too, I was just a beta virgin
>Suddenly picture her riding my dick
>Boner incoming
>My backpack is above it, so no big deal
>2 stations to go
>trying not to think about her riding me anymore so my boner goes away
>Obviously doesn't work
>Boner twitches a bit and slips out of my boxers inside my pants leg, pushing the foreskin back in the process

Do you know why I pulled you over?

Ask a guy that just got a $300 dollar ticket for not wearing seatbelt anything..
Story..
>Get pulled over
>Filthy cop comes to window
>I suppress rage and hatred, Smile
>Good day officer, I don't have wallet on me
>Politely give pig all of my info
>He proceeds to his car, makes me sit there 15 mins..
>15 mins later comes back with ticket
>I instantly switch to bastard mode
>Interrupt him, Tell him blah blah I know how a ticket works, Ask for my registration back
>He proceeds to try and lecture me, jerk level goes above 9000

Tyrone has an idea

>be me 18
>this kid (huge fag) was trying to give me a crappy deal on a bulk amount of shrooms and roxies
>however, roxies were coveted at that time. starting to get harder to find so I was interested
>it was 4 years ago so they were only going for like 20 to the people that were using them (what I would do for those prices to come back is unspeakable)
>this idiot trying to charge me 16 a pill for like 75 of them
>would only make 4 dollars a pill max
>cause most people would want them for like 18 if they bought a couple
>the nerve of this fag
>telling my friends about it at one of my friends house (he a tyrone)

Why I don’t taking dumps at school

>be me
>just turned 14
>in eighth grade
>go to bathroom
>the stalls are so low
>even the tiny 4 foot tall sixth graders can look at you taking a dump
>i hate school so much
>i get anxiety induced diarrhea
>i go to sh*t in the bathroom, ten times, over the course of two months, with the same outcome
>i always walk in the bathroom at 8pm when everyone has to go piss and sh*t before homeroom
>go put my porcelain buns on the piss covered rim
>i don't bother whiping the piss because my intestines are filled with knives at this point

The Barber's good deed

Let it never be said that my “actions” have never been for the greater good. This story will explain why.

>Be me, known only as The Barber by most
>Be 16
>Be sophomore at the time
>At my school, we are polluted by whores and basic girls
>I’d say for every good, god­fearing girl, we have 3 girls that would either suck dong for reefer or complain about phone service
>It’s almost like reverse­darwinism
>So when i met this girl who was transitioning into one, I needed to act fast
>We will call her cassidy

My first heartbreak

>be me late October 2014
>talking to this 8/10 qt3.14, let's call her A
>we talk for 2 months in which time she tells me some stuff
>she's got some kind of schizophrenia or something like that
>has sudden onsets of thinking a guy is coming to rape her
>knows it isn't real but can't control it
>shes had an episode in the middle of college before
>I'm like w/e, will still stick it in crazy
>see her most days around college and outside
>start to fall in love over these few weeks
>November I start to try and get serious with her
>we get all cute with each other

My buddy banged my wife

> me, 23, survivalist fag
> married for 6 years
> 4 kids
> buddy gonna be homeless
> let him and his gf live with us
> ff to me, 24, still survivalist fag
> wife pregnant (3 months)
> winter
> come in after hard work at sawmill
> catch buddy banging my wife
> they don't see me
> go outside, take an axe, kill his cat, his stupid rat terrier
> start fire under his trailer (towed it onto land for him to live in with gf)
> his gf runs out screaming about fire, naked in a blanket

My mom's hot coworker

>be 16
>crush on mom's coworker
>she's 23 year old super hot goth chick
>married to some super jerk that I can't stand and has a baby
>childishly flirt with her constantly
>she always laughs and flirts back, but plays it off as joking
>be home alone one day
>girl shows up to visit my mom
>she realizes my mom isn't home, but stays for a bit anyway
>she asks to see my bedroom
>get to my room
>I kiss her quickly
>she doesn't kiss back, instead just laughs

My life as a homeless drug addict

I have some crazy drug stories from when I was homeless..

>be me
>19 yo
>recently homeless past few months cause turned 18 and wanted to be NEET
>parents said lolfuckthat
>had been doing lots and lots of drugs, especially acid
>turned into raging tinfoil, redpill hippie
>white kid w dreads always wore one of 2 tye dye shirts no exceptions
>one pair of jorts
>ran with a group of like 5 other homeless kids and committed lots of crimes for drugs
>best friend had recently joined us, his name paul

A story from last summer

>be me
>last summer
>having a few friends over for a bon fire, Mike, Beca, and Ross
>Chilling, having a good time
>Mike mentions he has a friend house sitting about 10 minutes away that’s having a few people over
>says there’s gonna be weed and booze there and its surrounded by woods and farmland, will never get busted
>we’re all in
>mike and beca go in one car, ross and I in another
>we get there and there’s about 6 or 7 other people there
>introduce myself to everyone, having a good time

With the Mexican mafia

Well /b/, this may be one of my last posts in this site. And no I am not going to kill myself. But this is my story, I may be dead in the next days.

>I was born in Mexico
>I was raised in Sinaloa and basically lived very poorly, I had a very bad economic situation
>my family was really as I said before, poor
>7 sisters, 4 brothers so you can imagine how hard it was
>I grew up later on working on various things. I sold oranges as a kid, and worked in the constructions sites
>working hard made me realize that I had to get out of the poor life and get in with the rich one
>but time can only go so fast, I kept on with my crappy jobs until I was 18 and met my first mentor

Pissing of my Drill Instructor

Story time /b/
>be me
>6' 1" 200lb with 10% body fat new recruit
>be my Heavy DI
>Drill Instructor Sgt. Miller 5' 9" ~150lbs
>3 infantry deployments
>Taught Martial Arts to recruits/DIs

>be in squadbay before hygiene inspection
>doing some extra practice with rifles and drills
>platoon head call time
A head call is when everyone takes a piss
>have to secure our rifles first
>didn’t secure my rifle in time
>everyone goes to make head call while I stay back and secure/unsecure my rifles for the entire head call

Still feel like taking drugs?

So I f*cked up my kidneys & liver, most probably gonna die soon. Not a surprise, but still..

TL,DR. Muh drugs, muh f*cked up bodies, gonna rip in pieces.

>be me, now 27
>Take "hard" drugs when 12 y/o kid with best friend
>Take Amphetamine, MDMA, Mescaline, Shrooms, LSD, Methamphetamine, Ketamine, Xanax, basically everything I could get hold of. Best friend too
>At 21, supply getting pretty much dry regarding any drug but weed (crappy weed even) around here

My cool cousin

>be me, age 12
>Hurricane Katrina hits, we have to go stay with my mom's sister in Georgia
>They live in a pretty big house, but they only have two beds and one couch. They're cheap or some sh*t, I don't know.
>have to share bed with qt3.14 cousin, two years older than me
>youknowwherethisisgoing.jpeg
>Before we all go to bed, we go to eat at Taco Bell
>This is important later
>Get time to go to bed, I have to take my medicine, for I was a sickly child
>oh crap, we left my dairy relief at home (in Mississippi)
>oh crap

Late night customer

>be me
>working at BK
>closing late that night
>finish cleaning up ice cream machine
>someone comes in through drive-thru
>put on headset
"Thank you for choosing Burger King how can I-"
>Sound of a southern mom yells at me
"Just a second!"
>Stay silent and wait for her to order
>She sits at the speaker for 6 minutes
>It is now 10:50, ten minutes til we close
>She finally opens her mouth to order her food
"I'll have 3 of the 10 piece nuggets, 10 cheeseburgers, 5 value fries, and four large diet cokes"
>reallynigga.png

5 years later

>be 17 year old me. One of the greater beta's this planet has to offer.
>Get to a birthday party, because why the hell not.
>Drink beer and meet people.
>Meet girl, she is a clear 8/10 indo chick.
>I was a metal head back then, she had a skateboard strapped to her back and was sipping some soda.
>We talk.
>She is amazing and loves the same stuff that I do myself.
>We leave party, go the skating park with a bunch of friends.
>She is there.
>I am fat, I never learned to skate myself. I fell once and nearly broke my fapping wrist.

Satisfying melon

>be me
>2 hours ago
>Sexually frustrated since I just got out of a relationship some 2 weeks ago
>Decide to buy a melon and f*ck it in the woods
>Find a nice spot next to a river, no people around, best melon f*cking spot around
>Start going at it
>Damn, hole's too small, got to make it bigger.
>Hear a noise, sounds like someone's nearby.
>Ohcrap.jpg
>Rush further into the woods with melon still on my dick, gottagofast.webm
>Find even better spot and I didn’t see anybody following me
>Banging that melon hard af

Tinder stories - Cucumber girl

>be me
>be 22
>be gay
>jk not gay, grotcha turkey
>on tinder
>girl messages me first
>7/10 face, large forehead tho
>"What's the difference between hungry and horny?"
>"Just tell me"
>"Where you put the cucumber"
>OhMyyy.jpg
>tells me she tried to use a cucumber once but it totally didn't work
>has a sense of humor about it
>pass it off
>make note of casual attitude regarding sex
>meet up, hook up, choke her
>meet again a week later
>take her to the park
>playfully push her buttons the whole time
>reddit girl, told her I lurk 5chan long time
>hates me but respects me
>idc either way
>badass.jpg
>eat her out home
>she gets all hot and whatnot
>asks to blow me when we get back to the car


>"only if I can finger you while you do it"
>"of course"
>I'm finger banging, she's blowing
>"I'm gonna bust"
>she doesn't loo…

How to control child behavior

>be me 14
>begin to have really detailed sexual dreams of people I know
>for some reason decided it would be a good idea to write these stories down as soon as I woke up
>in like a month I have 6 stories
>hid the stories in a blue folder under my dresser
>lolwhatcouldgowrong.jpg
>eventually stop writing them
>fast forward a year
>riding in car with mom
>just picked up little sister from her dads
>natural older brother instincts tell me to make my sister mad
>talk about how I accidentally crapped on her backpack or something dumb like that

At least my friend had a good night

>17
>at party
>party in a garage
>blaring hank jr cause Kentucky
>need cigarettes
>too drunk to drive into town
>10/10 class valedictorian girl says she’ll give me a ride
>drunk retard best friend wants to go to
>"fuuuuck i wanted to bang her but come on anyways anon"
>get to town
>buying cigarettes
>come back to girls car
>drunk friend is gone

Anon sinned

>be 14
>going to assembly of god church convention
>sleep at a holiday inn
>share rooms, boys with boys girls with girls
>room is with 3 other guys
>2 beds, 2 guys per bed
>share a bed with this idiot i hate
>sleep above the blanket, he sleeps under
>forcefieldactivated.jpg
>go to bed
>wake up to my roommates giving me disgusted looks
>wtf
>bedmate was sleeping on floor
>go to take a shower

Mr. Thomas and the good deed

Had a little adventure in 3rd grade

>move to crappy south Georgia town when I was like 5
>Parents score a house in a predominantly white neighborhood
>Had great neighbors whose last names were Thomas
>Stupid child brain thinks that "neighbors" is synonymous with "Thomases"

Fast forward to 3rd grade

>teacher’s pet
>tells me to give some papers to a Mr. Thomas (completely different Thomas)

Dat Ass

Times you did something irredeemably autistic in public and escaped unscathed

>be me
>16, sophomore year
>staying after school for art class because I slacked off all the damn time
>in the middle of doing a test, can’t concentrate because i haven’t blown my load in about a week
>enter stage right 9/10 qt/3.14 crush
>gorgeous spanish girl with the tightest butt you’ve ever seen, the kind that flows right in from the back like a sexy apple
>tight yoga pants
>no underwear, you could see if you looked close
>this girl was the reason for my ability to jerk off in the boy's bathroom and people would think i went to piss
>my inner sack jizz towers cannot contain
>realize you can’t see under the desks from the front
>it’s just me and her in this room, i think to myself (old teacher is off painting or some crap)
>suddenly, her equally sexy friend walks in
>holy mother of god, this girl was fit
>long story short, i wanted to do them both in the b…

11 year olds love knives

Hey guys I wanted to share a story about the time I was in the scouts. Here it goes.

>Be me 11 year old First Class scout
>Go to summer camp
>Gun ranges, swimming, etc
>One day in the middle of the week we go shooting
>One of my friend loses his knife
>He bought it at the trading post
>Sh*t was alpha. Cost 50 dollars
>He’s pissed he lost it
>Go to trading post to buy snacks later
>Some fag with a Mohawk is being loud
>I look over, he has the knife

The wedding gift

>Be me
>know a Polish girl for years
>see her most days as she works in works in a cafe I like
>10/10 qt316
>a little bit in love with her, know she feels something
>as long as we've know each other, we've been in relationships with other people
>kissed once in a small storage room at a Christmas party, never talked about it
>she gets engaged
>My gf and I get an invite
>wedding in Poland

The beta king

>I am the beta king, here's why
>be yesterday me 21 currently single
>Work in a clothing store as clerk because i'm a dumb f*ck
>New girl starts working with me, behind the counter
>we chat for a bit
>she isn't hot per-se but like a solid 6/10
>we talk about movies
>more importantly, music
>we both like old rock music
>i ask her where she lives
> a block away from my building
>our shift ends
>i offer her a lift home

No hugs, please

Why is everything I do in life wrong?

> be me
> going outside today with best friend female
> Some weeks ago she wrote me a text how much she loves me in the friend way
> friendzoned level 9001, but don't give a fuck anyway
> so back to the situation, going outside with her today
> see her, hug her very hard in a friend way (we always do that )
> we have to walk to McDonalds because one of her gf is there and some dude that's with that gf, idk why.
> while we're walking there, I hug her in a friendly way some times, she tells me to stop ( idk why, she never said anything against it )

The Alpha tard

>Be me, grade 7
>Be at school, hanging with bros
>School, like most, has a tard brigade
>Alpha tard is really into wrestling
>Legit walks around school doing various wrestling taunts
>He is alpha tard, so he of course has tard gf
>Tard gf purposely gets into fights a lot
>Alpha tard always runs over, acts out a random wrestlers entrance, and immediately stops the kerfuffle by screaming incoherent crap
>I develop a rapport with alpha tard, complete with an exclusive handshake and unconditional playground protection
>Alpha tard's surname was Bell, so naturally he used this to develop a theme song and trigger an explosive entrance sequence whenever the school bell rang.

My girlfriend and the lesbian

>meet girl freshman year of hs
>ask her out sophomore year
>together for all of hs
>hang out every day we could
>go to college together
>she meets some dike
>she experiments
>I say idc and I'm fine with it
>dike gets super jealous that I'm with her
>dike tells her I lie to her
>all 3 of us go to the mall
>in store and other people are staring at gf
>gf gets super mad and yells at them
>gf leaves the store