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Showing posts from August, 2015

Something to make you happy

Just wanted to share a story
>Be me
>24, lost job, lost gf, lost shared apartment
>moved back in with my dad
>miserable. Dads place is small but he’s always out of town
> I feel like a failure
>Do odd jobs to feed myself
>even begged here and got 30$
>applied to 5 jobs a day, either online or in person

>2 months unemployed

>Finally get call for buffalo wild wings
>Sports bar, very popular

The burden of being a White Knight

>Have oneitis really bad for my highschool crush
>Eventually I work up the nerve to ask her out
>She isn’t to interested
>We have a crap half friends/half dating period
>She breaks up
>Still really like her
>Years later we have a bad break up
>She had a lot of mental issues that I knew were only going to cause trouble but I loved her anyways
>Blames me for depression and tells me that "I never loved you"
>I’m crushed
>Never felt so beaten. I was the goofy beta class clown and that turned me into a bitter dick that browses 4chan
>Year and a half passes

My cat just died

This just hit the feels.. happened to me 1 hour ago

>be me 20 years old
>had a cat for the last 8 years
>love him a lot, sometimes he's a dick but i can deal with it
>smart as f*ck as well, learned how to open door on his own
>but the last few years i've been having money issues and have barely been able to feed him
>can't take him to the vet or anything
>fast forward to a week ago
>notice he stopped eating, doesn't want almost anything
>drools all the time, but drink a lot of water

Sh*tpost of the week

>be me
>early 20something
>working at Starbucks, though it's just a side job because i make movies
>well, i edit some of them to suit my tastes, but i digress
>still, i'm popular enough that i have my own website and fanart
>I’m the senior staff for this shift
>bunch of casualshit teenagers
>today i am king and commander
>i remind them of this, and to do as i say, lest they incur my wrath
>chick comes in
>she's like the blanket kid from charlie brown with the dustcloud

Pool party of horror

late night childhood feels thread
>be me
>sorry but it has to be so for the story to continue
>be 11
>developing early for my age
>get invited to pool party at my crush' house
>cute girls
>a lot of my friends are there
>then I see Her
>with a capital H
>you know the One
> only girl in a two-piece
>stunning hair and shockingly tall for an 11 year old

Alastair is a prick

>be me, britbong
>playing football with my mates
>stupid girls running around "playing" with us
>really just getting in the way, running away from the ball screaming
>friend alastair gets the ball
>just me and him next to each other
>he says "those girls need a lesson"
>full on boots it
>hits girl in back of the head
>she hits the deck
>doesn’t get up
>she is out cold

Being Bulbasaur

>be me
>12y old fat boy
>love pokemon like crazy
>have all pokemon games,watched every episode
>everyone bullies me at school
>have 1 friend that shares my passion with me
>his name is Josh
>we play pokemon together, he comes to my house alot
>one day we feel really bored
>He is going to be my trainer, I’m gonna pretend I’m pokemon
>he agrees

Next time erase browsing history

>Be me
>Be like 13 years old at the time
>Be at family get together at the grandparents
>See that my aunt has her new phone and it's capable of that old school watered down mobile browsing
>Ask her if I can borrow it for a minute
>She say yes
>Immediately go to the upstairs bathroom to browse
>Spent close to an hour looking up my newly found interest: "Anul" sloots on google images
>Finish up
>Give phone back to aunt downstairs
>Tell her thank you

Too lazy

>be me
>9th grade
>AP bio class
>science fair comes around
>procrastinate till the day before
>bs some crappy project about networking
>entered in casual competition for just a grade
>teacher asks if I want to join competitive track, get rated, possibly go to science fair
>why not
>next day
>"gratz anon, you're moving on to county science fair"
>days pass
>don’t even touch project

Anon’s dream

>be me 19 in college
>gf 17 high school
>she's completely totally virgin before we meet
>talk her into having sex
>no condoms
>anon i don't want to get pregnant so you can't do it in my poon.
>ok how about anal?
>try to get it in her butt. Really tight.
>using spit for lube
>her mom walks in.
>jaw hits the floor
>omg your thing is so big!
>asks daughter if it hurts
>gf says yes. Hard to get it in

I lied

> be me
> 20 years old
> love girl I have been friends with for years
> man up
> tell her how I feel
> she says no
> tell her I am sorry
> tell her I can't be around her anymore
> too painful to just be friends
> 2 years later
> this morning
> get a call from her
> says she realized I am the one who was there for her
> I was the one she should have been with
> wants to meet up with me again

Things my girlfriend does in her sleep

Things my girlfriend does in her sleep

>Drifting off asleep
>GF is usually out within a few minutes
>Takes me forever to fall asleep
>The first 40 minutes of her sleep cycle, she's very active
>We hold long convos (which I'll get to in subsequent posts)
>Always after my dick
>Sometimes she wiggles down so her face is right in my crotch
>Presses her mouth up against my dick
>blows it
>as in literally takes a deep breath and blows on it

Crazy school

Heya /b/
Story of class of "retards", when in reality we were all just kids who got f*cked with and one time fought back, so we got wrangled.
>be me, 11 years old
>wicked smart for my age, previously accepted to school for gifted children
>kicked out cause I'd get f*cked with and fight back, numbers game
>back in normal school
>5th grade, meet my crush who I liked back in 2nd grade before gifted school
>she's become cha'kluknol eater of the aether
>ignorant old bat teacher can't handle lots of kids asking questions, gets mad

Pleasantly surprised

>be at nightclub
>newly single
>see girlfriend grinding with guy
>making out heavily
>she starts rubbing his crotch, groping it
>go to toilet
>door lock goes in, but the thing is smashed up and barely holding it closed
>pull pants down, sit on toilet
>don’t even need to take a dump, just sit there
>think about ex, get depressed.
>miss her sex
>decide to rub one out for old time's sake


>4/10 ginger girl adds me on fb
>Says she's bored and asks if I can go to mall
>Agree and she's even uglier in person, like a 2/10
>Doesn't show this on her fb but can move hair to side and reveals half bald head
>B*tch be lookin like skrillex's retarded little sister
>Is a tumblrina
>Talks constantly about tumblr
>Asks if I have gf
>Says yes and shows picture
>Has sour look on face and says "She's not a real woman. Where's her cushion? Imagine what would happen if she fell on her stomach, anon. There's no fat to protect her organs."

Don't try to stay awake as long as you can

i f*cked up, I'll just run away now.
here's what happened.

>be me
>doing a stupid "science experiment"
>it's just me trying to stay awake for as long as i can
>"what could possibly go wrong"
a lot...
>be 6 days in and weird stuff starts to happen to my mind.
>i have no sense of reality and nothing makes sense.
here's where it gets crazy...
>decide to go on 10 mile bike ride
>i've never gone more than a few blocks on a bike, wtf am i doing.
>about three miles in

Beware of crazy girls

I have a story.

>be in junior year of high school
>started last year at new very small charter school in small city
>start dating 8/10 girl, she looked shy
>learned as time when on she wasn't
>started dating of course
>as months went by I realized how messed up she actually was
>completely emotionally all over the place but somehow thinks she stable
>quite obviously bipolar, heavily depressed
>her mother is a full blown schizophrenic with religious tendencies

My cousin’s panties

>be me
>hot adult cousin
>huge tits, nice body
>been staring at dem titties for years, need some satisfaction besides jacking off to thoughts of her pokies
>brilliant idea
>will steal her panties
>sneak into her hamper and jam two pairs of panties down my pant pockets
>hug everyone goodbye with two pairs of panties bulging out of my pocket
>arrive home
>strap the perfumiest panties over my head, with the gooch cover in my mouth

The girl on the tram

>be me
>be some years ago
>be on tram to meet up with a group of people to learn for uni exam together
>tram's pretty empty, no people in the seats around me
>see this beautiful 9/10 angel get on tram
>one of the most beautiful girls i've ever seen
>comes closer
>i look away because beta af
>mfw she sits down in front of me
>all the other seats around me still empty
>still look away

What made me quit as a cop

Hey /b/. Always here people complain about their lives on here, so I've got a story to tell.
>be me
>cop in Centralia WA
>on patrol one day when I hear over the radio that a pedestrian was hit by a train and they need and officer over their ASAP
>I arrive and there's already an officer on the scene
>he's just standing by a large building talking on his radio. Looks worried
>I get out of my car and start walking over
>"you don't want to see this, you're too green"
>walk around the corner anyway
>i wasn't ready

Cute American girl

>Be me, kissless virgin German guy
>Met a 9/10 American girl online, probably the first real 9/10 girl I've seen online
>Found out we had a LOT in common, became very close online friends
>She would always talk to me on kik, from morning to night
>Decided to exchange numbers
>Finally heard her voice, loved her cute accent and she loved my crappy "accent"
>Planned on traveling to America to go to a huge university in Massachusetts
>Even though she didn't live in that exact state, still knew I would be closer to her eventually, so I got the nerve to ask her out
>She said yes

Mr. Smith

>Uncle, his wife, and their daughter move into old plantation-style house built in the 1930s-1940s i believe.
>Looks a little like the Amityville Horror House
>It looks creepy even without knowing what I'm about to tell you.
>It's dirt cheap for it's size, but my uncle had never had money before this and it was burning a hole in his pocket so he purchased the house.
>never inquire much about the price or why the previous owners left.
>over the next six months random ghost stuff starts happening.
>drafts, cabinets opening and shutting, refrigerator door will be wide open, lights go on and off.
>this is annoying, but not really scary. It doesn't even faze them after the first couple of weeks.

The gold digger next door

>be me
>living in silicon valley
>tiny apartment
>full of hipsters faggots and hamplanets
>neighbor is a disgusting 450 pound swine, but she’s cool and occasionally go over and eat
>make great friends eventually
>one day my rightmost neighbor moves out, never knew him
>a few weeks later, need a place to 420brazeit and get wasted
>get a spare key from floor janitor
>start using it as a hangout, must've been 2 weeks at least
>one night, the just as small apartment got packed, at least 11 people getting wasted
>next morning, notice a cigar burn in the bedroom wall, behind the bed

Cringe: With a Vengeance

not a missed opportunity, i guess, but since we're getting our beta cringe off our chests:
>be me
>be scrawny, beta 12 year old, always getting my butt kicked by other kids
>get crush on this smart, pretty girl in class
>she's pretty much the only person who's nice to me, and we're both into "intellectual" stuff - philosophy, science, that sort of stuff so we talk about it a lot
>eventually decide i want to tell her how i felt about her
>I'm a total pussy though so, I sh*t you not, i go ask a retarded kid to do it for me
>surprisingly, he seemed to have delivered the message coherently
>"anon, (autist) just came and said that you liked me?"

The abandoned house

this story is 100% true. It's not paranormal or anything, just creepy.
>be me
>be stupid teenager
>me and friends always use to break into old abandoned houses and hang out in them
>one house is right next to my friend cameron's house
>big red two story house with a basement, no one can get into it
>take a look around, see that there's a back door that goes into the basement
>nothing keeping it locked but some rusty old padlock and this thing attached to the door frame
>unscrew that piece and i'm in

Nutty girl

>invite old school friend round
>haven't seen her for 6 years
>starts out normal chilling watching netflix
>watching family guy pauses to explain starts making connections to things that aren't real
>have dinner she calls me dad randomly
>few hours pass gradually becoming more strange
>hear her crying and laughing in the bathroom
>ask if she's okay, pissed on my floor wtf. acting like she's drunk
>getting really weirded out by this point
>put her to sleep on the sofa go to bed
>wake up to find her naked on top of me

I have seen better days

>Wake up bright and early like I always do
>turn on the shower water is ice cold and colored brown
>dry off smell even worse than when I got in the shower
>put on clothes. big toe pokes through hole in the sock.
>go to make breakfast check my phone to make sure i'm not running late
>drop phone smash screen
>put bread in toaster and plug it in. proceed to pull down on the lever
>big spark comes out of outlet and lights go out
>blew a fuse. walk out of apartment muttering to myself go down to basement flip fuse switch

Too much weed

>smoke maybe few times a week
>pick up some weed from a classmate
>"sh*t's the boooomb duude, be careful"
>whatever fag, i just wanna get high
>get home, middle of afternoon
>decide to try out new bong my friends got me for my birthday
>back a bowl
>bowl's huge, like half a gram
>whatever, here goes nothing
>light it up
>clear it a few times cause big bong
>finish the bowl and turn on the TV start planning what to do
>weed hits me like a truck

Helping out a female to male trans

Story time, /b/.
>Best friend (girl) has a trans boyfriend (female to male trans)
>Her boyfriend recently got a full sex change and penis after months of hormones
>We're all pretty chill with each other
>Get a text from him early morning
>"Can I come over to talk with you about something?"
>Aw hell what's this gonna be about
>Say yes
>He comes over
>Proceeds to ask me about how to use a penis for sex
>Oh crap here we go

Driving while high means trouble

>Be me, 21 yo
>Started as a occasional smoker at 17, but turned into a frequent one at 20
>In a friend's house playing some smash bros, baked
>2:00 AM
>Dude wtf its late, gotta go
>Man you can’t stand by your own. You're so high and I really doubt that you can drive
>Ya sure whatever man, bye
>Just call me when you arrive

*a block away from home*

>"Damn, I had to call to Anon"

My first cigarette

>Be me
>Spend weekend at Renaissance Festival with friends
>Smoke with camp neighbors (our group's slut was banging one of them)
>Smoke around campfire
>Cops show up
>Put away one hitter in box, but grinder doesn't fit
>Hide grinder underneath me
>Cops find neighbor's bong in tent, and rifle with ammo in their jeep
>"Come here, son"
>Grinder stays in my chair

Easly earned dollars

>be me
>be 16
>walking through city at like 9 pm after work
>Cross through park in center of city to get to bus stop faster
>dodgy guy with a huge hiking back back rocks up
>sketchy american accent drowned in an alcoholic tone, basically speaking gibberish
>walks up to me
>thick american accent, clearly drunk as fuck
>"hey kid, what's goin on man"
>"nothing much just going home, you okay?"
>"Yeah pal i've just had a bit too much to drink"
>guy falls flat on his arse on the ground to stop swaying about
>"So kid, that's the age here"

Indestructible horror

>Be me
>Last night, going to sleep after browsing /b/ for 3 hours
>2:00 in the morning
>Go to the bathroom
>Start to take a piss
>See something move out of the corner of my eye
>It's a huge spider
>I'm super afraid of spiders
>That's a strange looking spider tho
>Get a closer look
>It a huge centipede about 4 inches long just sitting there
>Scared of centipedes

Ashby and Caitlyn

Hey /b/ I've got a bit of a problem with some douchebag I know.

>be me
>18 year old highschool senior
>in class
>This guy named Ashby comes up to me
>"You think you're real funny don't you anon?"
>what the hell is he talking about
>"uhh what?"
>He gets up into my face
>"if you ever flirt with caitlyn again, i'll end you, fag."
>he shoves me and walks away
>i blow it off, I had no clue what he was talking about.

Anon meets a goddess

Alright, so here I go with my first ever greentext post. Not heavy with feels, a mixture of cringe, fail, funny, but a true story. This the part of my life that I consider on of the highlights of my entire life up to this point. Quite long of a story here, no promises but I hope its worth the read, so here goes. Story Time!

>Be me
>Be 21 at that time
>Be studying in university
>Not socially nor mentally retarded
>Although mildly beta, shy and awkward kind of guy
>So winter approaches
>Planning to go for a vacation over winter break
>Hook up with housemate and old friends from another university

ALWAYS lock your computer

>Been on /b/ for some time
>Family have no idea what the hell I do in this place
>Stay in my den because anti-social
>Browsing some r34 thread (Not the typical Disney and cartoon stuff)
>Need to take a dump
Now usually I lock my computer to keep people from messing around on it, but this once I left it open
>Spend some time on toilet unaware that my little brother is staring at an image of 3 cartoon characters having a gay orgy
>Finish toilet break
>Walk back to computer
>Notepad is open with text that reads:

Your move, Mr. Ice cream Man

>Be 9
>We were going to my older brother's soccer game, but I was not feeling well.
>I was allowed to stay in the car with the air conditioning on for a little, or my windows rolled down.
>I chose to have the windows rolled down

Now, I was a pretty fat kid. I loved sweets, yeah? My parents were fat and let me have sweets all the time.

>Sitting in the car, about to fall asleep
>Suddenly, music.

Biology class prank

>be in biology class
>class is dissecting frog
>knew before hand cause of course syllabus
>come to class with a squeaker that I pulled out of my dog's toy
>put it in my frog without anyone noticing
>switch frog with grill next to me without her noticing while she freaks out with friends about touching dead animal
>doing the experiment
>I plan on telling the grill that I think her frog is still alive and she should check then I would punch the frog in the stomach and it would make a sound
>before I can say anything, teacher says "turn the frog on its back and press down to expel any excess formaldehyde
>could not have planned that
>grill is scared to touch frog
>I'm trying to contain my laughter from anticipation
>I lean over and whisper, "what if these frogs were still alive? that would be weird"
>she freaks out even more and now refuses to touch the frog
>teacher comes over and asks what the big fuss is
>grill say…

Paranoid girlfriend

>be me
>be at top English university
>have qt3.14 gf who shares a house with me and some other friends
>body: 10
>face: 10
>personality: 10
>ask gf to make me a sandwich
Laughs, “do it yourself anon!”
>sense of humour: 10 as well
>I guess life’s pretty perfect... or so it would seem...
>gf goes home for a weekend for her dad’s birthday or some crap like that
>how dare she leave me high and dry for a whole 2 nights?
>a wild plan appears

The girl, the fight, the breakup

>19 at the time.
>she was 18 senior in high school.
>cute in a quirky way. Great body. Big tits. Nice little tight butt.
>lose virginity to her.
>just finished up my first year of college
>we were stupid and thought we were in love.
>she started growing distant during the summer and in hindsight was trying to end our relationship
>"we can work through this"
>leaves on vacation with her mom and comes back
>"we need to talk"
>tells me she has feelings for her high school sweetheart.

Drinking with Russians and Irish

>14th feb
>my 18th birthday, from now on I can legally buy alcohol (yeah, i'm a pollack)
>fast forward 3 days
>a trip to Zakopane, a mountain resort
>find a nice mountain hut in which we can rent a room
>it's full of irish and an old russian couple
>sh*t will be cash
>go down to the kitchen, 11AM
>russians are drinking vodka
>i wave and say the same
>they speak something in russian and invite me to the table

The Barber visits his dad

>Be me, known only as The Barber by most
>Be 16
>Be half way through summer vacation
>Be on plane to new york
>I am flying up to see some old relatives and my father
>It was supposed to be just a trip for my own pleasure
>But as I sat and stared out my plane window, I couldn’t help but make it business
>See, my mom and dad have been separated ever since I was about two years old
>This was because my dad wasn’t exactly a good guy
>He would always bring home drugs ranging from acid dabs to 8balls of coke
>Plus, he was quite abusive to my mother,both physically and sexually

Earl the horny ghost

>gf gets position in small town newspaper
>busy job and few employees, so she occasionally spends the night at the office to keep up on work and save gas
>I have to bring her sleeping bag and a change of clothes, and the office makes her uneasy and night, so we usually turn it into a sleepover
>office building is 100+ years old
>coworkers told her about a ghost they call "Earl," complete with dozens of cliche poltergeist stories
>They've looked through old photos and most of them agree that he's the ghost of a tall, HP Lovecraft looking editor from the 40's
>We're sleeping over one night while she finishes an article, I'm browsing internet
>I'm horny, but know she's busy, so I contemplate jacking off. Decide not to.

Medieval greentext

>be me, 10 yearold, beta male, living in ireland 1256 A.D.
>10/10 6 yearold girl named eileen og is my crush, married to my enemy alpha male brian mcbrian who is 7
>dad training me with a sword to join the king's army next year
>mom interrupts training, asks me to buy some potatoes and chainmail tampons at market
>see brian mcbrian at marketplace
>go OG on his ass with sword
>throw his body into the river
>next day a woman living by river is found guilty
>has witch trial
>england invades during the trial

My love Christine

>Be 17, High School, Hardly any friends
>Clinical Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Anxiety
>For some reason only happens at night

When the sun goes down I have to remove any and all sharp/bladed objects from being left out in the open. Thoughts of suicide flood in and I feel like crap.
Usually black-out/wake up on the floor or something. Feels like multiple mind-sets, different ways of thinking exist in me. Some louder than others, more prominent. One of these, really does not like me.
There's no reason, no cause, nothing. It just hates me and wants to see me miserable. It gets no pleasure from doing so but does it regardless

The best burrito

>be me
>work shift at taco bell/supermarket
>get sweet discounts or free food
>just end up eating burritos we have to throw out if they aren’t made correctly
>some guy orders the spiciest damn burrito ever
>"add some extra hot sh*t for me kid"
>friend working shift with me makes his burrito and what not, adds too much sauce and cheese, about to throw it out
>grab that burrito and keep it

The man that became too alpha

Gather 'round, young men, as I tell a cautionary tale. Witness with me the journey of a man I once knew, a god amongst men. Through me you will learn the legend of the man who became too alpha.

>there once was a young man, no older than 18
>this young man led a normal life, slightly above average in all aspects
>he had a healthy handful of sexual partners, life seemed good
>this young man one day went to a party
>a small party, no more than 30 people
>the party was fun and everyone had a great time
>as the end of the night approaches, all partygoers look for their mates

So close

Let me tell /b/ the story of how I lost my virginity

>Be me
>go to canada's wonderland with this girl I've known since grade 8
>vowed to bang her since grade 7 because her butt was huge
>she's flirting the whole time we're there
>we go on a couple rollercoasters and she wants to go on one that I don't really like
>she keeps asking and I keep saying no
>she suddenly grins
>anon, if we go on it i'll give you a head massage