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Showing posts from July, 2015

My cat Mata

>Be me in fifth grade
>Dad driving me to humance society to get a cat
>oboyoboy
>Get a dainty snowshoe kitten which I named Mata
>Most adorable thing ever
>It'd lick your hand whenever you put it next to her mouth and purred at a single pet
>Go through the years, and arrive at me 20 yrs old
>Every once in a while I'd dangle a piece of string
>Sometimes Mata would get on my lap when playing vidya
>Push her off, ain't nobody go time for cat
>Don't really pay much attention in my older years, didn't think much of it
>Last spring, put Mata outside for a days

Dodged a bullet

Alright. Here's the time I almost dated crazy

>Be me 16 probably 8/10
>Don't really talk very much, and when I do, I would never make eye contact.
>Some 7/10 girl develops a crush on me
>Wtf I have never said 2 words to her
>Some desperate guy name Zack, obviously wants in her pants (this will semi matter later, maybe)
>At the time, I wasn't really interested in girls. I was always afraid I'd lose sight of my own life, and focus on her.
>Anyway, my best friend has a gf.
>He thinks that since he has one, I should have one too, since his life improved apparently, despite having his life controlled by her

Marrying my waifu

> be me
> loving waifu for over a year and a half now
> love her so much, pillows, mug, snow globe, etc the works
> realize "hey... why is our love not somewhat legitimized?
> crazy idea hatch
> finds certificate of marriage template online
> finds state seal online
> puts two together
> amazing
> past high school teacher is an ordained priest
> goes into his classroom after school hours
> explains situation

Sad story

Storytime, /b/...

>be me
>be chatting with 6/10 girl living hundreds of miles away
>incredible connection
>she's so nice and sees past the wreck that i am
>we talk and talk, get closer, to the point where she never stops texting and calling
>her grandpa dies, i send flowers to her office to cheer her up
>she loves it, gets even closer
>weeks go by, i finally confess that even if we haven't met yet i have a crush on her
>huge deal for me, who has always been obsessed by appearances

4chan sex greentext

classic 4chan sex stories. here's my story. this was about a year ago
>be 20
>meet girl on pof
>chubby 27 year old, big tits, 6/10
>comes at me strong like 'I’m cold keep me warm'
>wtf i barely met you
>says come over and f*ck
>her roommates are gone and she only has an hour
>alright, I’m on my way
>10min later arrive n she opens door in her panties
>tells me to double up cuz she don’t wanna get preggo
>whines for 10min about not finishing inside her even with a condom
>time to begin and it’s super awkward
>lay her down and spank her

Studying hard pays off

> be me
> start college
> sit at table with group of strangers
> try to talk to 4 students, one is fat, covered in acne, doesn’t say much at first
> talk to him anyway
> come to find he’s very autistic and brags about it
> autist laughs like butthead (uh-huh-huh)
> says he wants to donate his brain to a museum so scientists can study it
> basically says he never had to study at other schools because he’s autistic
> try to be his friend anyway
> ask him for a ride to school one morning because my battery died
> he says he can’t

I need an injection

>be dental assistant
>sit in room typing stuff into computer
>door open, can see front desk if I lean back
>hear someone come on
>look if it's my patient, nope
>random dude
>starts complaining
>apparently, he got an amalgam filling about a year ago
>look up his file in the computer, yup he did
>stop what I was doing as this is being more interesting
>he says we didn't tell him how dangerous and poisonous amalgam is
>notthisshitagain.gif

The encounter

True story
>be real estate appraiser
>kind of new to the business so I get the crappy jobs
>go to bad neighborhood to look at house
>doorknob is busted off
>fml
>open door and step inside
>hear fumbling noises upstairs
>say loudly in my best authority voice
>WHOEVER IS UP THERE YOU CAN LEAVE RIGHT NOW!
>I'M NOT THE COPS OR THE OWNER, I DONT CARE, JUST LEAVE!
>look up staircase

This is not even my final form

>be me
>16 y/o fat neckbeard loner
>spend summer playing video games and smoking weed while parents are at home and little bro is out playing with his friends
>be sunday
>parents are at home and are nagging me about how i never go out
>literally kick me out of the house and tell me to not come back till i find some friends
>f*ck around the neighbourhood a bit till i find little bro and his mates
>they play hide and seek, i join because why not
>me an some other fag are seeking
>look around everywhere, cant find them

Heartbreaker Kid

Best breakup stories thread?

>me few years ago
>me and gf of 3 years break up
>I done it but we had broke up before and I regretted it after
>Felt like crap usual stuff
>looking back probably made a good decision
>begin stretching everyday
>especially legs
>anyway
>Couple of weeks later I’m out at a friend’s getting drunk
>She has a new bf and he lives near friend

The only time I got in any real trouble at school

>Be in football
>Team goes on a trip at the end of every season to a town a ways away, where we stay the night at a hotel and crush their team in the morning
>Traditionally the players also drink at the hotel that night
>Be with friends, not even really going hard just taking it easy having a couple drinks and watching an NFL game in the room
>One buddy is wandering around by himself
>Comes back in, passes out beside me
>Ignore him for 20 minutes because I assume he's being a dumbass
>Realize he's still there
>We try to move him

Transmitting HIV

>be me 26 y.o. heroin addict in 1998
>After seven years of addiction i contract HIV in 1997.
>By 1998 my heal was getting really bad
>No money
>No insurance
>Medicine was way better than in the 80's but not nearly as good as today
>I accept I am going to die
>get majorly depressed over a couple month period
>doing more heroin than ever
>I figure if I'm going to die, might as well not go out alone
>stop telling people I have HIV if they're stupid enough to want to share a needle
>At least 5-6 people shared a needle with me
>At least one got HIV the rest I never saw again, except for one other person who I think contracted it also, but I'm not sure.
>This wasn't good enough, I was so pissed and depressed I went to a few tightly packed clubs in town over the course of two weeks.
>before I go in, get a tiny bit of blood in the needle to allow best results
>over those two weeks I pricked at least 23 people.
>8-11ish…

Girls and boys

What the hell, /b/ros. Just had the most awkward guest over, my girlfriend's high school friend, who is now a "girl".

>Friend comes in, gives us a bottle of rum
>I offer to make them a cocktail (bartender)
>Planning on making some cool sh*t with the rum
>"I'd prefer wine"
>Sure. Get wine.
>While I'm making drinks they're chatting
>"I use (some app) now, it's really good, it's all for transgendered people"
>I walk over with wine
>"Oh, that sounds cool. Is it like serious dating or just meetups?"
>Death-stared by friend.

Xanax stories - Blackout in school

Have been waiting for one of these threads my whole life, so here’s one of my xanax stories
>be in 11th grade
>First time taking xanax, buy 2
>Take half bar
>hmm feels pretty good take other half
>Blackout wtf
>remember last class waking up for a second then going back to sleep
>wake up next day confused as hell
>Buddies tell me I snorted another half IN CLASS
>in front of teacher
>tfw he didn’t care
>tfw at lunch I didn't give a single f*ck or have any filter on me
>snorted last bar before last class

I chose you, cat!

>be me, 17, chem/bio fag
>musclehead faggot in school bullies fucking everyone, looks like duke nukem
>overhear sh*t about nukem going on a vacation for a week in XYZ days
>hatch revenge plan with other chemfag bros
>track nukems movement
>bro finds out nukem has a spare house key hidden behind a thermometer at the back door
>ffwd. to D-day
>bros cousin works in a pharmacy
>obtain benzodiazepine sedatives
>dissolve in water
>buy one of those cat-carrier cage things

Heroin story

>Alright, here's me heroin story
>Been hooked on meth for about a year.
>Been to jail for possession got 30 days and a drug program.
>Get out just wanna get high
>Never really liked heroin
>Meet up with another homie I know that gets high on speed
>Start riding around with him
>High as fuk rapping having a good time
>We go to a pool so he can shower
>He starts tripping out saying the cops are after him and we gotta roll
>Cool
>We drive into an alley and he does a fat shot of heroin

Be careful when browsing /b/

>about 3 years ago
>be on kinky stories thread
>post about popsicle in gf's butt
>newfrog at the time, so didn't change gf's name
>youdensemotherfucker.jpeg
>had told a few friends gf accidentally elbowed me in the eye
>too many details and only one day after telling friends
>eastwoodfeelingluckypunk.png
>posted that gf actually kicked me in the eye when attempting popsicle in the pooper
>friend recognized the story and knew I browsed /b/
>he replied that he knew me

Ruh Roh

/b/ I hate my job. What do?

>Be me
>get solid-looking job in mid twenties
>manage a small company
>This hot chick works with me
>She’s a babe, but other than looks she is worthless
>Almost never works
>Complains about everything
>Stupid as hell, I'm surprised she knows how to read
>I have to harass her every day so she'll do her job
>Now there's this other girl
>Smells like an aquarium

Anon's night out

>be me 21 yo, don't really belong to one group.
>Finish work at around, 10pm and get a phone call from my friend Joker, (He's really called Jerry but he's been called Joker since grade school)
>He's asking me to go to a bar with him, since I wasn't doing anything I decided fuck it why not?
>Roll a few joints and meet with him at around 10:30, It's a friday night and we go to this bar that has theme nights. This one was the circus. Imagine guys on stilts, magicians, clowns etc
>Joker can't drink for shit. 6 beers max and he's slurring his words and starts becoming a cunt.
>About an hour into us being here, we decide to go for a smoke, Joker goes to take a piss and I don't see him for a while. Idgaf anyway as i'm talking to a pale red head who I think is really into me.
>Me and her hit it off and go in to dance. As we're dancing I notices one of the dudes in the stilts struggling to walk..

The first time I bought weed

>be me 15
>really want to try weed
>can't find any dealer through friends
>decide to go downtown in search of the green
>decide to ask random people
>GrowBallsOfSteel.gif
>no one looks the part
>see two homeless guys in a ally
>FuckItMate.jpg
>go up to them
>Nervous as hell
>"you guys no where I can find some weed"
>looks weirdly at each other
>"yeah man we can help you out"
>Uwot.zip

Vengeance

So how was your day /b/?

>Be me 17 in 2012
>Fell in love with a girl
>I was an extreme Beta
>This girl named Maddie would flirt with me everyday
>My first love
>We would call each other every night
>Me being beta i decide to join the army
>We make it work for the first year
>She starts acting shady.
>No more skype sex, no more i love yous
>I tried so damn hard to fix it between us
>Sent her flowers, Gifts I really loved maddie

Causing a trauma

>be me
>earlier tonight
>about to take shower
>realize I should take a dump first
>go to bathroom
>push
>near instantly a massive sh*t roars out of my anus
>despite its massive size, it rips out
>immediately in excruciating pain
>burning pain in my butthole like I've never felt before
>dance around on the toilet trying to lessen the pain in vain
>pain increases
>fall off toilet

Kebap and police

>be me, last year
>21y/o, german
>living near the dutch border
>drive over the border with friend for some weed
>friend bought a kebap before we went in case he gets munchies
>eats half on the way there
>cross the border after 30min, first coffeeshop is literally 50m across the border
>buy weed
>drive back to germany
>cops behind us
>signal us to stop the vehicle
>i take friends and my own weed and put it in my front pocket
>we stop
>license and registration, also the ID of the passenger (me)

Funny sex story

> be me
> be 27
> be with GF in our apt
> notice when I go down on her she smells a bit ripe
> don't think much of it and chalk it up to human aroma, figure she'll shower afterwards
> we bang and I gizz inside, feels great, go to sleep
> wake up at like 4 or something with hard on
> poke her awake like i usually do
> she wakes up and I take her from behind
> notice that smell again
> start to go faster and the smell is getting stronger
> decide to mention it

Morgan Freeman loves Domino's pizza

>Working at Dominos as a driver
>General Manager Doug decides to use some stupid excel program to print out expiration dates on stickers instead of writing them down like rational human beings
>General pain in the ass to get off anything
>Bored one day at work, open up the program
>Stealthily change "Pizza Cheese" to "Morgan Freeman"
>Next day everyone is like "lolwut Morgan Freeman?!"
>"Hey did you put extra Morgan Freeman on that pizza? LOL!!"
>Only Doug is not amused
>Gets really frustrated because he can't figure out how to change it back

I hate Spanish

>be me
>14 freshman
>decided to take spanish my first year of high school to get my foreign language credit out of the way
>three weeks into the school year I have to take a massive dump
>had Mexican food last night and leftovers of it that morning
>raise my hand and ask to go the bathroom
>teacher tells me to ask in Spanish
>Come on
"I don't know how to say it in Spanish"
>Teacher gets some evil smile and says, "No hablo ingles."
>You damn piece of crap

Dat ass

>be dishwasher at restaurant
>been crushing on 9/10 server since I started
>skinny, tattoos, decent style, great butt
>fantasize about her on the daily
>working up courage to ask her out
>not ready yet
>last night
>working like normal
>she walks in to grab food for a table
>drops her pen or something
>I only look over because she shouts fuckkkk
>her butt is pointed right at me
>g string showing
>I'm thinking to myself

I love to pee

> Be me, 18.
>Have weird interest in pee. Want my girlfriend to drink it, but too beta to ask.
>One day I am in the kitchen making us drinks. She's waiting in my room.
>Decide that it'd be a brilliant idea to put a few drops of my pee into her drink.
>Pull off the missions successfully. Huzzah!
>"Does it taste good, my dear?" - She says yes. Hard as diamonds.
>We do it and it's the best sex ever.

... However..

>Get addicted to putting pee into her drinks.
>Start putting more and more pee into them.

Drugs are fun

>be me junior in highschool
>start getting into drugs
>smoking at my friends house
>smoke a solid 3 grams by myself
>start freaking out never been so high
>friend tells me to chew on a starburst and says to a magic potion to heal me
>start sucking on it and crying saying I can't be healed
> feels better 10 mins later
>another friend and I are wrestling
> gets me in a headlock
> I pretend to die
> all 3 of my friends start panicking thinking I'm dead

Faking pregnangy

>be me sophomore in highschool
>take girls vCard
>she's a little weird but no biggie
>people make fun of her because I'm a known horn dog
>say f*ck might as well date her
>2 months of her lying sh*t I break up with her
>she says well I'm pregnant
>she starts showing pictures of her pregnancy test to everyone
Not just students but teachers principle and coaches
>my life's ruined
>she's happy she's prego
>wants to date again tell her to get lost

I had diarrhea in school

>7th grade and sick with something. Also having diarrhea 
>diarrhea in school
>taking finance elective
>absolute joke of a class, literally no one wants to be here. It's one of those classes you take as a filler for your schedule like art or choir, but I digress.
>filling out some type of tax thing while she's explaining
>she doesn't like that, says some snide remark but I brush it off.
>about 10 minutes go by, feeling myself having to take a dump
>"Ay Ms Taylor, can I go to the bathroom?"
>"No."
>"What. Why?"

Weird encounter

>girl invites me over to her house
>her bf and best friend were there
> talk to her parents and drink beer
>girls want to watch a movie
>girl and her bf banging on couch next to me
Mfw I was still a virgin
>on floor with best friend
>other girl is jerkin me
>gf gets pissed at bf and goes to the bathroom
>bf literally stands over me watching me getting a handy
Mfw I want to punch this guy
>he goes to bathroom
>me and girl move to couch

Man’s best friend

I am disgusting /b/.

>be me
>19 year old fag
>house sitting for rich friends for some extra cash.
>my friend owns an over affectionate dog named biscuit
>so aroused and bored sitting in his house that I decide to crank one out.
>know nobody is home besides dog and me so i do it in the living room.
>getting it good when dog walks up
>starts licking my hands
>surprised and try to push the dog away

Hamplanet

>be me 24
>found fat chick on tinder
>ask her out
>get her in my car
>she tries to kiss me
>i evade
>this hamplanet smells like crap
>like literally she smells like poop
>she says she want to go eat taco bell
>i said yeah
>"just help me a little"
>get her out of the car to see if some "rotor" in the engine is working
>R

The newbie

> English, Work in high-class wedding venue
> I work as Head Bar, and venue owner brings me a newbie
> "Hey mate this is Rhys, I'm seeing what he's like on the bar for a couple of shifts"
> Cool with me, although this guy looks weird, kid must be 17 and has this weird twitch, though I didn't mention it.
>Kid doesn't talk much although when he does it's a low murmur, so clearly lots of teenage Angst.
> Ask Rhys to grab a Keg of Carlsberg from the Grog (Alcohol storage) and bring it down to the bar.
> While he's gone I make a point of chatting to the Newlyweds about their day (Extra tips and whatnot).
> I look down the corridor to see Rhys wheeling a keg down the corridor, behind the bride as some wedding guest guy makes some comment that I couldn't hear to him (Probably "Is that for me?" as a passing joke or something, very common when moving alcohol about)

tl dr

>everything started when i started dating this bae
>caroline, a beautiful blonde, with blue eyes and nice boobs
>i was trying for a few months
>well the big day is here
>it was a friday we didn’t have too many place to go
>she said she didn’t have anything in mind and that we could figure it out later
>ok i started having a superb plan
>I’d take her to a fancy bar i know pay all her drinks then take her somewhere near several motels
>it’d sure work
>I’d hit that blonde for sure
>I’d lose my virginity
>then make a family with her

Wank stories - Mom knows

i don't know why i have so many retarded wank stories

>be me
>be 15
>proficient at the masturbatory arts
>real tired man
>haven't wanked in days
>why not
>not bothered to even pull down pants
>risky
>i'll clean it once i'm done
>finish all over
>feels good

Don’t show GTA 5 to children

>Be me
>Visiting my parents
>Brought laptop so I could kill some time
>Start dota
>I hear doorbell
>Mom goes to answer it
>It's her friend, with her 2 sons 6 and 8 years old
>Moms friend asks me if I can show them some kid friendly computer games
>sure.jpg
>They sit down next to me in the sofa waiting for some cool games
>I think for about 2 minutes
>GTA 5

What did my dream mean

>15 years old
>Have to go to summer school
>Have to travel to a different school
>Sitting at a table in the cafeteria
>It's a waiting area until the bell rings for 1st period and we scatter to different classes
>Still tired so i put my head down on a table and fall asleep
>Brain decides to play a nice prank on me
>WHAT A WONDERFUL TIME TO HAVE A SEX DREAM
>Start having a vivid dream where the school has transformed into a mixture of a beach and a school
>It's still a school but there is sand everywhere

Delights of fatherhood

>be high school teacher
>wife is expecting baby soon
>at school
>receive phone call
>wife's water broke
>immediately leave school
>leave class hanging with no sub
>me and my wife are at the hospital
>wife is lying in bed
>i'm playing games on phone
>wife talks about how delivery is so easy and how other women are pu**ies
>"Yes, you are doing fine honey"
>Few hours later
>"OHMYGOD THIS HURTS IT HURTS SO BAD HELP ME"

Schizophrenia

>have schizophrenia and drug induced psychosis
>lots of controlled substance medications
>forget to call in request
>run out last night
>wake up already anxious
>call in request
>won't be ready till thursday
>illbeokay.jpg
>start having delusions and looped thoughts
>think to myself it's okay, just the illness
>butwhatifitsnot.jpg
>think I don't exist
>think life is a dream
>think I'm in hell

Dubya

>be me 7 yo
>watch animal house with dad
> bluto_heylookimazit.gif
>many keks
>next day be in art class
> painting pictures and stuff
> be in the south, everyone's conservative (even the kids) in the Catholic school I went to
> weird girl on scholarship with poor wook hippie parents sits next to me
> ugly and awkward everyone hates her
> starts going on about how George Bush did 9/11
> parents loved dubya. Me being 7 I loved dubya too.
> dad was airline pilot, lost job after 9/11
> she keeps going on about how bush is a nazi and Osama dindu nuffin
> idk why a 7 yo grill would memorize so much liberal rhetoric
> decide I've had enough of her hippie nonsense
>leavedubyaalone.jpg
> grab cup filled with dirty water we used to clean paintbrushes
> look her dead in the eyes
>"hey look, I'm a zit"
>take a big swig of paint stained water
> Proceed to spew it with the explosive force of a thousand ga…

Wet your pants

>be...idunno 12 or something
>going to DARE camp (if you don’t know, essentially a group thing that teaches kids about drugs but there was also some fun activities they do)
>anyway
>this year see girl
>10/10 in my eyes
>brown/blondish hair, sparkling green eyes, tiny, kind of a sporty style
>always tried to impress her of course i never did
>the camp is hosting a talent show soon
>ORLY.jpg
>perfect chance to try and impress her
>i know what to do

4chan spaghetti

>working as IT tech
>sorta cute girl works just across from me in the office
>attracted to her so naturally avoid all eye contact and don't ever speak to her
>one day boss tells me I have to do some stuff to her PC so she can have a second monitor
>wait till she's at lunch to minimize interaction
>she goes, get under desk, replace graphics card install new monitor book it back to my desk and forget about it
>she comes back and is working on PC so figure all is fine
>her boss comes over and tells me second monitor isn't working

Always use lube

>be me
>be 12
>masturbation novice
>laying on bed
>tugging away
>finish
>wetter than usual
>inspect
>blood, blood everywhere
>so much blood
>looks like i slaughtered an animal
>run out to living room
>dong dripping with blood and jizz
>tell mum i broke my noodle

Rum story

>15
>get the idea it'd be cool to get drunk
>no friends so I do it alone in my room
>nick old bottle of rum in back of cupboard and a liter of Coke at like 2 in the morning
>mix rum and coke
>just drink rum because rum and coke tastes like crap
>just sit dazed in my room
>don't know how long it's been
>try to get up
>fall over
>eventually make it to my door
>forget why I got up but go about the house anyway

Subway daily special

>Went to Subway
>Saw Female Trainee struggling to make sub.
>Time to get my subway daily special
>Ordered a Footlong Sub with every meat, cheese, vegetable and sauce.
>Others in line look at me weirdly.
>Employee asked if I was really going to eat that.
>I told her why would I order it if I want going to eat it.
>Sub now was an ungodly mess. Things were dripping and dropping out all over the place.
>She tried cutting it.
>Dropped Knife.
>Cut it with a different knife, slices hand.
>Screams OMG runs to back grabbing hand with apron.

Weed milk, dic pump & xanax

>Bought some amphetamine pills from some add phag
>Bought some weed
>Faked panic disorder to get some xanax
>Got surgery to get some percocet
>Buy penis pump and fleshlight
>Wait until weekend to have ultra wombo combo high of the century
>Weekend comes
>Make weed milk on the roof of the house at 3 am
>neighbor lady wakes up at 4 in the fucking morning, but doesn’t see me on roof make kush milk
>6 am comes i clean up
>I go back to bed
>Starts raining 5 minutes later and father wakes up

Tard stories – The pizza buffet

>Decide to have pizza buffet for lunch because America.
>Can afford to get fat without fear of shame, what a country.
>Pepperoni only fresh pizza on buffet. No problem, I'll have a slice & wait for some delicious Supreme or Sir Meats-a-Lot.
>Suddenly school bus stops in parking lot, doors open, tards begin streaming into pizza place. They don't stop at the cash register, just head straight for the buffet.
>Brutal efficiency, as if SWAT had been called in to confiscate all grease food, salad bar untouched, pizza buffet now barren as a dyke SJW's uterus.

Showdown in the Simi Valley

A story I read here a moment ago reminded me of my experience with a bunch of femnazis in my school. It is a tale of justice and adventure! Behold! The story of how I kicked a bunch of tumblrites out of my school. (Plus the principle)

Part one: The calming before the storm
>Be me
>Just started sophomore year
>Move to a school in the whitest whitey part of California
>Look it up, the place is called Simi Valley
>Won’t tell you which school though
>Anyway, there are literally NO minorities at all
>This school was whiter than a republican in a Mc Donald’s