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Showing posts from June, 2015

Is there a god

>Be me
>Chilling around the cosmos
>Notice small rock orbiting around a star
>Serious stuff’s going on, the miracle of life
>I'm bored, so i sit and watch for a while
>Some monkeys with flat feet catch my interest, they're kind of funny
>F*ck over all their natural predators and give them some brain
>Evolution time
>After a while they became the dominant species on the planet
>Start killing each other over resources or trivial matters like religions
>Not on my watch

Tinder stories - The next morning

>be me
>meets crazy girl on tinder
>smoke joint together, have a talk with some black dude selling cocaine
>he is high as sh*t and a little intimidating
>we invented some excuse and walk away for some beers in a bar
>we make out
>she’s into me
>male friend of her arrives
>sun of a beach is hitting on my girl
>i just met her so i don't care
>eventually we get to the point that we are all friends and she kisses both me and him
>letsgetoutofthebar.jpg
>dude forgets bike helmet at the bar

My pee pee

>be me, 2nd grade
>going to school
>before class in the morning we all play at the play ground until the bell rings
>rainy from yesterday, everything at the park is still wet
>kid dares me to go down slide, i oblige
>go down slide, my butt is completely soaked, shorts, whitey tighties, everything
>sonofabitchthissucks.jpg
>bell rings, run to bathroom real quick
>decide to take off underwear and shorts, slow underwear away
>run hand dryer on my shorts
>feelsgoodman.org

Numb

>be me 17
>typical teenager
>love linkin park and video games
>kiss less virgin
>had 1 gf
>she dumped me for older brother
>said I was the bad guy
>said I should have tried harder
>she ends up banging him
>brother treats me like a vagrant ever since
>miss all the good times we had
>remember when we used to mess around on the farm
>get so mad that she messed my life up
>end up developing really bad temper from bottled up rage

How to stop bullying

>Grow up on an island in Canada
>grow up with my parents divorced
>Grow up in crappy town surrounded by native reserves
>Always getting jumped by groups of native kids all the time
>get bullied in elementary school
>my brother went to the same school (is 4 years older than me)
>Trying to help me out, he makes my fight his friends his age
>continue to fight his friends, while still getting randomly jumped by other kids
>now I’m in jr. high and my dad has been dating the worst women in this greasy town, one was a crackhead
>My mom is in another province (state for you american fags)

Stupid coworker

>be 19 working at local pizza joint
>summer is coming around and we need help around the kitchen
>bosses hire some freshman kid, makes sense
>he's really awkward, can't answer phones
>doesn't into oven at all, burns anything that goes in there
>has lived here his whole life and doesn't know where anything is to deliver
>basically he's here to hand me things now
>I understand and try to help, we were all weird kids at first (implying I wasn't still half a retarded back then)
>"Here anon, the customers are all paid for, just open the drive thru window and hand their pizza to them."
>"Yeayeayea pizza window customer, got it."

Pee and poo

> university as maintenance inspector guy again
>working one day and get a call about something gross that can't be discussed over the phone
>turns out someone is leaving jars of urine in the common rooms
>keeps happening
>common room can only be accessed with keycard
>keycard leaves audit trail
>use audit trail of 2 weeks
>figure out who goes in and out during quiet hours
>narrow it down to two individuals
>other things come up and can't investigate
>week goes by and I get to go to the floor for unrelated business
>knock on door
>"Who is it?"

First Nbome trip

>be me, try Nbome for the first time.
>buddy gives me 10 tabs for free.
>Tells me to take half of one and leave it in my gums for 30 minutes.
>30 minutes later, nothing happens.
>spit it out and head to a party.
>at party, get minor hallucinations.
>stuff dripping from people's mouths, lights look super colorful.
>wears off 30 minutes later. Decide to take a full tab.
>put a full tab in my mouth and wait for it to kick in.
>it doesn't, so 45 mins later I take another one.
>within five minutes the world is melting
>see geometric fractals in everything.

Room 2012

>work at university as maintenance inspector guy
>girl reports something wrong with her closet
>she's in room 2212
>accidentally enter 2012
>look around
>closet is fine
>realize I'm in the wrong room
>exit
>look at real place for problem and get it fixed
>"Anon, someone said you entered their room and they never made a work request."
>"Oh yeah, that was an accident. I messed up the room numbers. I left a doortag, though."
>"Well, there's a bit of a problem."

Some short stories

>Stories about some of my adventures.
>Moving.
>Our neighbors throw us a party.
>Kids are running around our yard hyped up on punch.
>Everyone is have a great time except for this one weird kid.
>We'll call him "Ethan".
>Ethan says he doesn't like the punch. I made that punch.
>Ethan must pay for his rudeness.
>Discovered fapping a few weeks ago.
>Ejaculate in a cup.
>Very carefully I pour in the punch and stir the jizz in. Give it to Ethan.
>Ethan loves it.

IT revenge

> be IT at hospital
> get pulled over by stupid security for no front plate
> tell him not real cop go fugg self
> gives me $75 ticket
> checks his name tag
> next day at work create program
> edit his logon script to run program every time he logs in
> program is standalone, not install, process is hidden, won't show up on any scans
> every key press has 1/100 chance of putting up a tool tip on mouse that displays text for 10 milliseconds
> text varies from "murder" "go kill yourself" "suicide" "suicide is the only way out" "nobody loves you" "you'll never amount to anything" "worthless" "you're worthless"

Disaster at Albertson’s grocery store

>12 years old
>family goes out for dinner to a buffet
>one of those all you can eat soup and salad places
>it's chili night
>load up with bacon, sour cream, cheese
>shitsgoodman.png
>6 bowls later
>in the car. Mom says we need to stop at local Albertsons for groceries
>we all go in.
>walking around, buying crap. Typical grocery store trip
>turn corner into different aisle
>feel the kraken being released in my stomach

The hamplanet next door

Alright /b/, story time. Pretyped but I’m wordy so it’s quite long, will post in segments to gauge interest.

>Two years ago
>22/f/aus
>I’m a soulless ranga, I’m an average build and I have a real horse face
>SarahJessicaParker.png
>There will be no tits, just so you know
>At the time, I lived in an apartment that reminded me of two large prison cells connected with a door
>Two rooms, one bedroom and one kitchen/living area, communal bathroom down the hall
>Rough area, bars on all the windows. To this day I feel unsafe without bars on the windows
>Concrete walls, concrete floors, freezing in winter and boiling in summer
>Total sh*thole but it was cheap and very secure

Final revenge

>Be me.
>Currently inhabiting cancerous husk.
>Inoperable, I got until August at best.

Flash back six months.

>Ex GF messages me.
>Needs place to stay between moving houses.
>Her new BF's parents don't like her, has no other friends or family that like her to ask.
>Normally would tell her to piss off on the spot.
>But I recently found I'm a dead man.
>"Okay, fine, but just one night."

Fast forward hours later.

A story for father’s day

> parents divorced when 3y
> mom left (they were giving her electroshock in 1960) for self preservation and couldn't cope, etc.
> dad tried to handle 5 boys for a time
> job not enough $ and country didn't give $ to single men with kids.
> off to friends
> to get more $ friends make us foster kids
> pop is not a come-rain or shine guy
> still he shows up every other weekend
> takes me and bros places, from picnic to parks, or camping through the years
> sometimes he gets us out and tries for a while....but can't make it work.
> offered adoption...I reject it.

The dog knows

>house-sitting for brothers christian friends
>chubby guy with glasses who collects pokemon cards and plays like a ton of instruments
>has wife 2 kids and a dog
>brother in the guest room asleep like 4 feet from where I’m sitting
>hand and dong under table
>on computer at about 2am
>brother still asleep doesn’t even notice
>going from a variety of xvideos, pornhub, doujins
>reading mother/son hentai of queens blade characters
>some kid and his mom with huge tits
>dog starring at me the whole time

The letter

> in 5th grade
> this gurl
> never felt like this before, she was really special
> hang out around her and be nice (hopefully not creepy)
> she is nice to me too
> talks about soccer and rock music, i pretend i like this crap
> tell her friends i like her
> they giggle and want to talk to her
> 2 weeks
> 4 weeks
> she waits outside the class
> has a little paper letter in an envelope

A special service from mom

>Be me
>Am home alone
>Go into office, only live with Mom
>Put on some anal pronz
>Take pants off, begin fapping
>Been edging for a little bit
>Mom swings open door
>I freak out
>She calmly walks over and tells me not to freak out
>Am frozen, so pants still off
>She watches some of the flick
>Leaves room
>Try to catch breath again, heart pounding
>Start to pull pants back up

To be continued...

The following is a true story that happened over the past week
>be me
>just broke up with gf of 5 months
>mostly was in relationship for sex
>a month goes by without talking to her
>in Spanish class one morning
>Anon can you please go to Student Affairs
>uh okay
>goes to student affairs, sees two cops waiting at the door
>are you anon? Son we've received reports that you have been harassing and threatening an ex girlfriend of yours
>officer I haven't spoken to her in about a month, that's not possible

My fungus

This is a story about a giant fungus in my butt
> be me 20
> kissless virgin etc
> start having a itch in my butt
> whatever.jpg
FF half year
> That itch turned to be a giant ugly fungus
> too shy to go to a doctor or tell anyone about it
> Stop flirting with girls cus If it goes anywhere they'll see my fungus.
Few months on
> I have a new female friend
> We get along great we are together all the time
> She is Asexual she doesn't care about sex

The voice

>Be 26
>Waking up every night at 2am
>No known reason for it
>after two months wake up at 1:59am
>here voice right beside my ear
>"Here." in answering voice
>freak out
>setup camera
>put powder in hallway
>wake up at 2am
>hear voice
>"What is this.."
>Camera slams to the ground
>turn on lights

The birthday party

>be 12
>bullied and humiliated relentlessly at school every day since i can remember
>cry every morning when i wake up because i know i must go to school
>have huge crush on this beautiful girl in my class
>one day she walks up to me in the playground
>"hey anon, i am having a birthday party on saturday do you want to come?"
>"uhh y-yes okay...."
>"it’s at this mini golf place, really big fields and stuff it will be awesome"
>"cool...thank you"
>best day of my life

2500°F

>Just graduated from highschool
>Eating at restaurant with friends as celebration
>Tfwhotchickssittingnearus.jpg
>Figure I might as well go for the least hot because beta as f*ck
>Up I go towards their table
>Excited friends cheering me on cos I've always been beta
>Look at them, chicken out, sit down again
>C'mon, Anon, you just graduated, grow some balls
>Anon, you better fuggin' do this
>Not gonna chicken out, I'll do it
>Talk to grill
>Make Alpha move by simply giving her my number

Martin is a very bad person

>Be at the Peace and Love summer festival in Sweden back when it still ran
>Over thirty thousand drunk teenagers and young adults
>Alcohol pretty much served as the currency of the whole place
>Bought three x24 trays of beer and two x24 of cider
>Drink far too much the first night
>Decide to calm down a bit for the second night, and consequently share a lot more
>Random drunk girl wander into our camp
>She's so drunk she can hardly stand
>She sits down in friend's lap and starts talking about random crap
>Her friends come after her, attempting to keep an eye on her

Scary basement

So this happened a few years back. We lived in really old house, me, my sister, mother and my stepfather.
>Be me
>Be ~13
>Just moved in to new house
>mfw it's huge
>everything's cool
>Summer holidays starts
>hellyeah.png
>have friend over
>Be exploring le basement
>Go into place where we keep all our gardening stuff
>Find creepy door
>Door won't open

Phil and the -3

ITT we share stories where things could've gone terribly wrong but then at the very last second, god spreads his cheeks and craps sunshine all over you

I'll start:
>be me, 20 years old, working in grocery store at seafood counter. small store, tiny seafood department, only ever 2 or 3 of us working at a time
>supervisor is a complete fuck up, awkward with customers, can't make the schedule work, always smokes pot on his lunch break, doesn't know shit about fish. we'll call him Phil
>only reason he's supervisor is they needed someone to fill the position when the old super left and even though I'd worked there for almost a year as a temp before getting hired, I wasn't elligible for a promotion because I'd only been on their payroll for around 7 months at the time when Phil had been there for 9

Must be tough

>Be me
>9 years old
>night before my birthday
>super excited
>live in a big house
>my cousins and their mom are staying over.
>11Pm
>Go to bed early to wake up for my bday the next say.
>2am
>wake up to hear cousins crying.
>they're probably in trouble.
>back to sleep
>wake up early

Let me in!

Holy crap, my last night /b/. Bouncer story time.

>be me
>bouncer at bar
>bar is close to college campus, so get's pretty douchy on Saturday nights
>00:15, college crowd rolls in
>group of troublemaker grills
>checking ID's
>last grill tries to give me a hug outta nowhere
>gets close, and then stops
>"You're not the normal bouncer!"
>MFW this crap
"I have been here every weekend for the last 3 months."

Bad luck with roommates

Femanon here. I have the worst luck with roommates, but I know some of it is my fault and I've learned. Let's take a look shall we.

>Move into trailer park with highschool friend and his brother
>I'm a tomboy so most of my friends are bros
>Things are okay for a few months
>Brother of friend starts to creep on me at night
>Sends scary texts telling me to come to his room to bang
>He's a lunatic and I'm not at all into him
>Eventually my friend has enough of his crap and moves somewhere else, leaving me behind
>The guy gets creepier and creepier

Amazing LSD trip

Happened to me on my first time.

>day of the town party
>we rent a place
>make a wild party
>here comes an old friend
>he says here take this
>I take it without thought cause I think it's MDMA
>it's not
>don't know yet
>some time passes a friend keeps looking at me funny
>I ask what is it
>he tells me I ate LSD

Trashman's story

>be trashman/driver me
>trying to hold in a huge dump for the last 10 blocks
>1 block left
>it's coming SOON
>feels bad.PNG
>can't out in the open as there's a main road directly ahead
>packer blade is already to the wall
>urgency
>run to the back where my helper is tossing sh*t in the hopper
>need to toss my own sh*t NOW
>tell him sh*t's about to go down
>tell him to give me the can he just threw

The redneck chick

>21 years old (last year)
>working at carnival
>showbag sales
>work the 9 days, get 2k cash in hand at end, sweet deal.
>reasonably attractive chick working with me
>hot, but in a dirty, used sort of way. I'm sure you all know the type. very redneck, chain-smoking, drug-doing, etc.
>she's into the suburban derelict sort, larger tradie sort of fellows, i'm not really her type
>week ends, all the workers swap facebooks and phone numbers
>get nude pic texted from her
>"oops wrong number lol"

My best friend died

>Be an EMT
>Called out to a structure fire
>Sit standby
>Wait to do rehab on the firefighters who exit (Check vitals and such)
>Know a lot of firefighters, best friend happens to be Lt
>Fire being a fire, firefighter trying to put it out
>Hear over a radio that they have a guy down
>Rush out of our rehab truck to help patient
>Turn out it is my best friend
>Unresponsive.
>Start CPR
>Partner hooks up AED (Defib)
>Paramedics show up

The Barber's origins

I am known as The Barber by most, but it isn’t because I am a hairdresser, nor is it because of the Malcolm McDowell movie of the same name. If you have some time to spare, then read the story of how I came to be.

>Be my best friend, known as The Dermatologist
>Be at undisclosed skating ring
>He is sitting down at a table, looking to have a good time
>Suddenly, a wild 8 sit down
>He agrees, and they began to talk
>After talking for a while, they snorted some ketamine he scored earlier, and began to dance with him
>This went on for around 2 1⁄2 hours
>goodtimesberollin’.gif

Have you smoked marijuana recently?

>Be me, end of summer vacation
>Hanging out with homies, go to see Let's Be Cops
>mfw it sucked like I expected
>Drive home, driving mom's new car
>It’s actually kinda fast, handles way tighter than my car
>Flashing lights in rear view mirror
>wtf, don't want to pay for speeding ticket
>Cop pulls me over, asks me standard crap
>Keeps putting flashlight in my eyes
>Asks me step out of the car
>wtf, haven't drunken today
>Makes me do field sobriety
>Blow breathalyzer

No D no love

>Alright I got one
>be 20 y/o me
>my parents gone for the weekend, my friend and these two 8/10 come
>I was flirting with one of them in high school, but I bailed when I realised she is a drunkard and a ho
>she forces me to take shots with her
>iseewherethisisgoing.jpeg
>I oblige, we all get drunk
>after midnight we go to a nearby park to get some air
>my friend and the other grill eventually leave, leaving me with the whore
>"Hey anon I forgot my purse at your place, imma just text my mom I'm spending the night over"
>shitimgettinlucky.gif

Stories and F*ckups

>Be 24, living in Germany for ages
>Become close friends with Irishman, will call him Paddy
>Both working office job with other friends
>Everyone at office knows each other, hang out, smoke some greenery together, the works.
>Be at Casa Paddy with his girlfriend. We'll call her Resting B*tch
>Forget the face, all over
>Too old for him, bit weird.
>She brings out grass
>Smoke-em-if-you-got-em.avi
>She leaves and we play some vidya
>Paddy tells me she's homeless and lives with. He pays her bills.
>...But they're not having sex

Fapping in school

>be in highschool
>boring as science class
>some half decent girls in class
>I sit at the very back with only 1 other person
>6/10 girl standing and bending over desk to talk to girl in front of her
>short skirt and pink panties
>instantboner.webm
>stealth mode
>previously cut hole in pocket for this sort of occasion
>start fapping
>try to keep as quiet as possible
>the end is nigh
>"psssst anon"

That’s when I reach for my taser

>Be me
>21yo white male, supervisor with security company in one of the worst cities in US
>Only carry cuffs, flashlight, and M26 Taser
>start shift on my way to first stop at a motel
>pull up in company car
>Feelsgood.jpg
>Drive around property all looks quiet
>Get out of car to go in office to check in with night manager
>common street thug in office
>Red shorts, dreds, obey hat, sunglasses at night, you know the type
>walk in stand at door, thug is mad that he can't get a room without an ID
>Look at T.V with cameras

Gaybo

>first year of junior college
>lots of new people
>lots of grills
>lots of possibilities
>one day group of friends makes prank plan on girls at a nearby lake
>one fag, let's call him Timothy
>Timothy wants to dump water on them while they're sunbathing
>one of the girls is a qt3.14 who walked around in a very small almost thong-like bikini bottom with no top
>she did the whole hair over tits thing
>boyoyoying.gif
>ff to mid day

I’m a loser, baby

Self cringe/beta thread. I'll start.

>be today, just a few hours ago actually
>my town has a crafts/music/art/etc festival at the end of every april
>make plans to meet up with an old friend from highschool. She was a few grades below me but hella cool.
>this friend is qt 3.14 to the max. we used to talk all the time but stopped for like 2 years. Have just recently started to talk again and it seems like things are going well. We'll call her E.
>Have all these grand plans of how I think the day will go and what I'll say to her.
>Text her asking if she needs a ride

Caught fapping

>Be me 14, live alone with just my Mom
>Mom works long hours, has to for money, works at a private doctors hospital thing
>I usually get home from school around 4pm, Mom usually got home a few hours after me(unless pulling a night shift)
>One day, we had a replacement teacher because normal one was sick, replacement teacher 9/10, super hot
>Think about her all day, am 14 so only been fapping for just over a year
>When I get home, am still aroused, but don't think about it, end up just playing some PS2 in the living room
>Am sitting on floor, controller held on my lap/close to my crotch

Cute cashier girl

>Be me
>be hungry
>looking for a place to eat
>pizza restaurant is near
>get in
>cute cashier girl ask for my order
>"o-one slice, please"
>cute cashier girl smiles at me
>she says "hey your hair is kinda cute"
>"t-thanks"
take my pizza and leave the fastest I can
>get into my house
>cry for two hours because how beta I am
>remember she said she liked my hair
>shave my head

Caught in library

>Pulling a library all nighter to finish an assignment due in the next day
>Finish it surprisingly early
>Decide to celebrate
>In something called a 'silent room' which is basically a room of about 9 seats and desks where no noise is allowed whatsoever (the library itself is a fairly loud place outside these rooms)
>One other girl in the year above me sitting on the opposite side of the room
>her desk is facing me but she’s deep into whatever she’s working on
>I start gently, stroking my member on the outside of the trousers
>gets harder and harder as I stare longer at her for

My neighbor

be 30
>make decent money at job, promoted to supervisor 2 years ago
>make more than enough to live comfortably because no family
>esoteric hobbies, always been a loner, that's how I like it
>neighbor is a 28 year old chick with a 6 year old daughter, widowed, husband died in car crash a few years back
>I felt kind of bad for her at the time and I've been helping her with stuff around her house, because she's an incompetent woman so I change her motor oil and figure out why the sink wont drain, etc.
>lately we've been friendly, she brings me food sometimes as thanks for help
>about 5 months ago in december

Psych Ward stories

>15 years old
>when I was first sent there I thought I would get a room all to myself and I would get to just lie in bed and rot until they let me out
>I was wrong
>we got a roommate
>I hated the thought of sharing a room with a complete stranger since I was extremely shy and antisocial
>first roommate was pretty regular
>he talked to me about how the staff there taught him to not be so depressed and love life
>eh, sounded like a bunch of crap, almost like he was advertising for them
>he was all better and was leaving, so a couple days or so passed and I got another roommate

Sex with a trap

>downloaded tinder last night
>been playing around a little bit with the app
>don’t bother looking at the girls photo, just like everything instantly
>get matched with Penelope, 24
>obvioustrapisobvious.jpg
>we start talking, s/he is horny as hell and wants me
>I recently met a girl who made me want to experiment a bit more sexually
>we exchange phone numbers
>talk some more
>decide to meet up
>I have a few beers beforehand because I'm nervous as hell
>get to her/his apartment

My most embarrassing experience

>not fapping since almost 2 weeks
>wake up this morning hard as diamonds again
>had this hot dream
>really really needed to fap
>fuk the nofap crap
>turn on phone watch pr0nz
>amateur-facial-compilations.avi
>want to know what it’s like to get jizz on your face
>never gone through with it but this time so crazy aroused
>lean butt against wall and bend up, pointing member to face
>within seconds i jizz load after load onto my face
>some gets in my eye

Touchdown

Story time, /b/

>be me
>pre-med for EMT, working as dispatcher
>have really long day
>like 6 attempted suicide calls, 2 died
>had to stay late because slut coworker called in, probably banging her rich bf
I hate this job so much but I can't quit
>leave work at like 2 am, supposed to get off at 10 last night
>have to get up in a few hours to drive up to Pittsburgh for a test
>may get like 3 hours sleep