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Showing posts from May, 2015

Don't fake being handicapped when your friend is an idiot

Humiliating story time?
Humiliating story time!

>Be me
>Exchange student in US 2012
>Social Student trip to Universal Studios
>Have my best mate with me who is a complete jerk but it's fine
>Me and friend walk around thinking what do
>Boring as fugg and the lines are stretching all the way to Canada
>See wild wheelchair on sidewalk
>Come up with genius plan of placing me in it and faking a leg injury
>Try to skip lines because of my new handicap

I heart you

>be me
>28 yo israeli former CMT
>work as assistant technician in Sourasky medical center, it's a big hospital in Tel Aviv
>get two transplant admissions
>kidney and heart
>poor buggers in bad shape, girl is 19 and wired to Dialysis, completely bloated
>old man is medically induced coma
>winter day, hospital is packed with flu
>surgery for girl begins 23:00, old man is at 22:40
>wait for heart and kidney to be sent via mobile cooling from what we call the Meat Fridge
>nobody arrives

Cops hate pirates

>Be me, 21 year old senior in college.
> Halloween 2014.
> Live in a pretty small college town but the weekends are always full of parties.
> Dress up as a pirate. Cool costume, got two fake sabers and 2 flint lock pistols.
> Antiques, can't be fired, even put orange tape on the end of their barrels cause of the police, they will kill me quick if I don't.
> Go to the bars around 12 am, bars are open until 4 am in this town.
> Get way to drunk way too quickly and end up trying to make my way back to my apartment.
> On my way back I am walking when all of a sudden I feel someone grab me from behind

The Asian Nazi kid

Hey /b/, got a funny story for you all. Greentext form obviously.
>Be me
>Algebra II
>doing a review game for quiz
>weird Asian kid in back of room gets put in my group
>previously thought kid was just weird
>kid is saying weird things under his breath today
>slowly come to realize that it is German
>I am in German class and live with German-speaking people, so I understand it
>completely mispronouncing simple words like "Ja" so I didn’t understand before


alright /b/, here is a weird one for you.
>be 31, married, been trying with wife for a couple years, find out she can never carry children and she has a recessive trait that causes her eggs to develop wrong.
>wife and i decide to try adoption.
> a few months pass and we get a recommendation of a 7 year old girl. she has been in an orphanage for 6 years.
>read the file on her, parents died in a car wreck, she was at the baby sitters.
>decide to put the papers through.
>finally get to pick her up, as soon as i meet her, i feel a connection (no /b/, this is not one of those stories)
>she is with us for a couple weeks, then we decide to take her to the doctor for a standard set of checkups. few days later, the tests come in, wife goes in with alice.

Another butt story

>Finally convince gf to try it in the butt
>seriously was months of asking her
>I don't really know what I'm doing
>didn't loosen her up with my fingers or anything
>I did buy some good lube though
>lube up member
>painfully push it in
>she clearly isn't enjoying this
>damn it I'm f*cking this a$
>few mins in I'm already thrusting like a mad man
>she’s moaning but not in pleasure
>feels good man though
>smell something, look down
>brown stuff all over my noodle

Unpleasant Star Wars ride

Alright /b/ it's story time. Let's hear your hamplanet stories. I'll start.
>be at disney's hollywood studios
>Star Wars ride looks good and only a 5 minute wait so I line up
>get in the ride row 3
>enter hambeast family in row 4
>fatkids sit and buckle up
>the guy working there comes in to make sure everyone is buckled up
>the whalemom and whaledad are trying to put a bag under the seat in a basket
>both of them can't even bend over as their stomachs hit their legs
>the hamdad bellows "PAUSE!" At the poor disney employee

In the Swedish army

>Okay, i have one
>Bear in mind I’m from Sweden so i don’t know all the titles in English
>Be me 20
>Be enlisted in the army
>Be a marine, hard motherfuckers thought we were invincible
>Come to work and find out we are going running with full equipment
>Start packing bags, preparing weapon/vest
>Have a bad feeling in stomach
>Contemplate not running, remember a fag in platoon that said he had better stamina than me
>Fugg it, gonna wreck this idiot

Don’t share personal information on the internet

> be me
> go to plebbit to troll retards
> got into argument with psycho ameritard soldier about food
> longest thread in the board just me and him throwing crap at each other
> I know he's a retard from how butthurt he is and how childish his menaces are
> say 'right man, I hope you'll find peace
> extrapolate from his namefagging history about what he does for a living and where he does it
> google
> find name
> find wife's name

Smoking weed is bad for you

> Be me 20 years old
> Smoking weed every day, spend literally all my money on it. eating 1-2 meals a day.
> Dropped out of school, can't find any work.
> Pushed all friends away and am a shame for my family.
> Sits on my PC from the moment i wake up til i go to bed, gaming and browsing image boards.
> No self confidence even though I’m attractive and fit.
> Realize I’m a dope addict.
> Realize I’m addicted to entertainment, i cannot stop browsing the internet.
> Understand that I’m wasting my best years and that i have to do something.
> Having a serious talk with my father on what i should do with my miserable life.

The sin of masturbation

>Be me
>24year old neckbeard living in mom's house
>Obese, no life or friends whatsoever
>Addicted to Japanese pr0nz
>Love it
>But me mum is a catholic and hates those things
>Been caught watching once, she beat the sh*t outta me
>Be in room
>Mom left to do groceries
>I see my chance
>Get lotion ready
>My computer is turned on, incognito mode
> opened up

The bro or the ho

>Be me
>Be 14
>Start to go cadets with a friend
>Notice 2 girls
>A fatty and a 7/10
>Hit it off get talking
>Continue meeting up
>my friend starts going out with the 7/10
>Me and her become good friends
>One day me and the 7/10 go swimming
>In the pool
>I grab on to her and her bikini snaps
>She waits before covering herself up
>Gives a little cheeky grin
>Then says can you cover me while I fix this

The LCDR that died 3 times

>be me, getting ready to do a deployment with the Army.
>Did I mention I'm a sailor? Well I'm a sailor.
>Before you go to Afghan or any combat zone as a sailor, you need to go to a 3 week combat course led by Army drill sergeants. I was going to Afghan, so for 3 weeks I sweat my balls off in Fort Benning, GA. Was really fun, doing crap like MRAP roller, MOUT, Convoy Ops, getting to play with big boy guns like the ma deuce. Anyway, I digress.
>Mind you, this is a joint enlisted/officer training course. Double mind you, most people in this course are Intel analysts, not very combat-minded people.
>The DS's are overall, nice to the enlisted, as we all pay attention to them, and real a$holes to the O-3's and O-4's who have something to prove.

Sick people

Well I just moved to a new place, after my life was ruined.
>be me
>watch a lot of pr0nz
>and I do mean a lot
>shares apartment with two other guys
>no homo
>faps several times each day for about half a year
>roommates rarely talk to me and seems freaked out whenever they see me
>assume it's nothing
>just keep watching muh purn
>a week later I had friends over
>friend is browsing the web on his smartphone for dumb people
>a page opens on friend's phone

What a great place to buy things

> be me
> be at work
> line for check out is getting too long
> call for assistance
> manager goes over to next register
> "I can help the next person over here"
> people go
> get this one old lady
> upset
> "he said whoever's next and was next!"
> ring up her items while listening to her rant
> at one point she asks " doesn't he think that I have things to do?"
> think" b*tch I have things to do, we all have things to do, you're in my store on a friday afternoon what do you have that's so important?"
> get done, she goes off to find my manager
> can’t
> tells me to tell him what she said

Mom, this is Sasha Grey

> Be me.
> Be 18.
> Chilling downstairs with mother watching Star Trek. Star Trek's sick as fuck.
> Ask Mother to make me a coffee as I am a lazy f*ck.
> She doesn't make coffee for ages as she is also lazy. Must run in the family.
> Decide I'm bored and go to my room to play some Xbox.

At this point in the Story, I should mention how my room is set up. It goes like this:

There's a table with my PC, my bed, another table with my Xbox and TV then the door. It's a cool set up and I can chill in bed whilst playing vidya or browsing /b/.

The fridge raiders

>be me
>was really into Boy Scouts for some reason, mainly to do stupid crap with my buddy who was in the group
>week long camp out in another town 3 hours away
>huge camp ground it was a farm or something where people loved and worked on
>there's this huge water treatment facility that purifies all the water for this area
>we are having the best time ever no parents, no real super vision, and the people who were supposed to be the night security usually gave in by midnight
>first night friend and are bored sitting up in the tent playing some super Mario 64 DS local play (this was 2008)

qt 3.14

>be me last semester
>sit down to start my japanese class
>scope the potential honeys
>see a beautiful 8.5/10 and a qt3.14 7/10
>bad with girls, no chance lance
>still try anyway cause why the hell not
>start talking to qt3.14 7/10
>she's really shy, awkward, totally not my type of girl
>fast forward a full semester
>start the next class
>school makes me drop it to have under 21 credits
>get a random text "way to drop, loser"
>recently lost phone and lost some contacts
>"who is this?"

The power of cctv

>be me, 19
>working part-time in a bookstore as an assistant
>hamplanet walks in
>looks like her gravitational pull could start to attract all the books from the shelves into her orbit any second
>rolls over to me, huffs like a boar and asks me where she can find 50 Shades of Gay
>notice feminist shirt, tumblrcunt confirmed
>point at the shelves with bestsellers, she rolls away
>a minute later she rolls back towards my desk, knocking down 2 books in the process
>"i can’t find it, could you go over there and show yadda yadda yadda"
>i slowly walk out from behind the desk, i pick up the books, check whether they’re damaged or not and put them back in their place


> basketball training
>crappy gym with one court
>coach says well now share the court with the girls team
>see them all walk in
>all 7foot 4-6/10s
>2 more girls walk in
>ones a 5/10 the other is a 9
>can't take my eyes off the 9
>wearing bike shorts
>her butt is amazing
>she catches me staring at her
>I still look at her for a few seconds then badly try to cover up
>she looks at her friend and laughs
>train pretty bad can't hit shots not paying attention


>Be me, working in a supermarket
>Out on the floor, stacking and shit
>Middle age woman walks up to me
>"Do you know what taste this toothpaste has?"
>"Uhm sorry, let me take a look"
>Takes the toothpaste from her
>No taste labeled
>We have like 10 different toothpaste brands
>"Uhm it doesn't say here.. won't any of the others do?"
>She looks at me like I offended her ancestors
>"NO. If I wanted the others, I would've gotten it."
>"Well okay then, but I am not sure I can help you then"
>"Try it, open it and taste it"

Super sad love story

Hi /b. I've had this on my chest for a long while and I haven't been able to tell anyone. Guess I just need some help working through it.

>Be me a long time ago in a small college town
>Defcon 5
>Be in love with this girl, let's call her T.
>No problem getting girls, but T is perpetually romantically involved, and she's the one I really want to be with.
>Great friends, hang out all the time and talk about deep sh*t.
>One of our favorite pastimes was going out and getting absolutely hammered.
>A week or so before stuff went down, we ended up back at my place since she was WAY too drunk to drive home.

Best customer

> be me, 19
> be at work
> running the cash register like it's my job
> all is fine until random landwhale comes into my line
> lines not too long, but the customer in front of her has like 20 things
> she yells “can't you move any faster?!”
> oneofthese.png
> get done, landwhale is pissed
> “bout time”
> “sorry ma'am, I was moving as fast as...”
> “yeah, whatever.”
> now I'm angry
> proceed to ring up her stuff


>Be me >12 y/o beta fag >Play COD a lot >get called a squeaker often >feelsbadman.jpg >In school one day >reading 4chan on school Ipads >Teacher calls on me >Ohcrap.png >Gives BS answer >completely off > Teacher starts roasting me >I’m done with this crap >Reach into my backpack

Worst first date

>be 16
>meet cute grill after I moved to a new school
>texting grill one night, being all cool
>tell her we should go out to eat
>16 no license/permit/driving skills
>drive up to her house in rusty old red minivan my parents had
>we go to wendys
>she ordered a meal
> I got some water AYY
> make excessive eye contact and talking up a storm to fill up the awkwardness, only making it more awkward
>she’s weirded out enough at this point


>be me
>going through weird no sex patch with girlfriend
>she says it’s all her brain stuff
>fine, cool, whatever, I can deal, I'll just fap till you cool your tits
>no, she sighs every time I say "imma fap now" after kissing time ends with no sex
>feel like I'm the a**hole
>basically not fapping anymore, once every few days while she's asleep
>have conversation about it tonight while she big spoons me (I like being little spoon)
>nothing really gets resolved but it felt cathartic so whatever, cool, we can go to sleep now nbd, talk more about it later
>half asleep chit chat
>"you can totally grope my butt if you want."

Washington DC school trip

femanon here with a fun story from grade school
in 5th grade my elementary school takes all the kids on a field trip to washington DC

>be me
>tiny 12-year-old girl
>teach talks about trip
>want to go
>go with my dad
>we get to the school at 5 in the morning
>long bus drive
>we sit in front of this nerd who we'll call D and his nerd dad
>nerd is asleep the entire way
>his dad talks about atari and other video games and comic con with my dad the entire trip
>we get into DC after what feels like 45 hours
>tour guide steps on
>solid 10/10 green-eyed man
>i didn't know what sex was then
>fell in love with him
>stared at him the entire time he pointed monuments and stuff out
>D talks to me but I ignore
>his dad has to take a dump
>we're inside the white house at this point
>D's dad waddles away and D stays with my dad and I
>ff 1 hour
>his dad comes back
>wearing sweatpants

Scary camping story

I was camping in the Rockies in mid October a while back, and the first time I was actually scared out of my mind.
>decide to go camp overnight
>drive up mountain
>after setting up camp, I go exploring
>close to dusk when I left, now pretty dark
>no flashlight cause clear night with moon
>after a while I stop where I am and start to head back to camp cause getting hard to see in the thick trees
>suddenly complete silence
>that silence that feels like the air is solid
>no insects, no outdoor sounds, no leaves, nothing
>every hair on my body is standing up
>stop dead in tracks

Bad day story

>few years ago
>job at cutco (I know I know)
>bring home knives after first day and decide to use my presentation set to cut potatoes for home made fries
>next day I do the same meal as I'm fat but I guess I got bad potatoes or didn't wash the pan proper
>horrible food poisoning sets in
>super diarrhea
>Monday morning so I have to go to cutco office for paperwork
>2.5 hour bus ride clenching ass
>hop off midway to destroy a supermarket bathroom before back on bus

Daddy’s girl

>sophomore year of college
>weekend, studying for exam before going out to dinner with my gf's folks who are coming into town
>gf comes up to my room, she knows I'm stressing out about the exam
>tells me her parents probably won't be here for a while yet
>unzips me and starts sucking me off
>should probably try to finish a few more problems but fuk it, it's been a while
>starting to get close when I hear her phone buzzing
>it's her folks
>she starts to pull my dong out of her mouth and reach for it

Unrequited love story

> be me. be 27.
> Short cute artsy girl that looks like elizabeth from bioshock is my friend's ex girlfriend's little sister.
> Know her. Know her family. She's Homeschooled.
> Keep going to events to see her. Befriend her. Start chatting her up online.
> Hear she tried to sneak off to be with some internet boyfriend.
> Talk with her about school. Education. Life plans.
> Get coffee with her and her sister one night. She's giggly and giddy and having a great time.
> Keep talking online after I drop her off.
> Start talking about things that really upset her. She's behind (not even trying) in education. Sad. Tell her I wish I could hug her right then.

How I failed at trying to conquer my public speaking fright

>Be me
> Be 15 y/o normie fag
>have extreme fright of public speaking
>Teacher assigned an extremely long essay
> BeastEssay.jpg
>Have to present essay to class
> Teacher calls on me
> Come up to front of class
> Sweaty as hell
> Try to imagine everyone in their underwear
> OhCrapHotGirl.wut
> Extreme boner

Willy Winkle

>be me
>dad was getting married to his new gf
>wedding day, huge hotel is used for ceremony and after party
>sheet was pretty cash
>my dad's huge family + his gfs huge family
>b*tch has like 6 nephews here, all late teens
>my dad's side, two twin girls, early twenties
>one is engaged
>they are bredy hot
>they travelled miles to get here
>notice they are hitting it off pretty well with the nephews
>all the nephews and twins are hanging out in hotel halls and corridors

My girlfriend is stupid

Alright /b/ros I need some help with gf

>Be me 22
>finally get gf knew her for a couple of years
>don't know that much about her but she seems cool
>start getting to know her more and find out she stopped going to school really young
>think okay she can't be that dumb
>few months later talking about a friend of mine that lives in South Africa
>she stops me and says "South Africa?"
>yea uh South Africa! it's an okay place I guess
>where is this South Africa?

Stupid things I did as a kid

>probably about 7 or 8 years old
>in taxi cab with mom
>we're in the backseat driving to go visit my dad
>on some mountain tier hill
>guy is probably doing like 40-50mph
>start messing with the buttons on the door
>accidentally open the car door while he's still driving
>nearly break my arm as that thing whips open
>mom has to reach across and close the door as the guy slows down

And I trusted you…

>Caught my wife banging another guy
>Right in my bed
>Divorced at 25 feelsbadman
>Fast forward 1 year
>Finally moving on
>Living the good life in Florida
>See petite 9/10 cutie come into bar
>Man, I love redheads
>WAY out of my 6/10 league
>But I'm drunk so I give it a try
>Love same music, movies, food, etc.
>Holy hell she's THE ONE

The job

Storytime /b/

>Be me, 20 year old, from an economically depressed area but middle-middle class family
>Going to uni and working two jobs
>Lose hours at one job.
>Rent's due. $500 in bank becomes $240
>Groceries and gas for the week, becomes $170
>Telling my friend I'm strapped for cash, as my second job is 7.5 hours a week if I don't pick up shifts.
>He tells me he covered his tuition driving cars for this anon. He'll introduce me.

Leaving a good impression

Easter's coming /b/ros. share stories of holidays with the family.

>be me
>be last thanksgiving
>whole family coming over to celebrate. mom wants me to be social.
>"please don't just stay in your room today, anon."
>my family is mostly retarded but dat frito pie.
whatever I'll hangout.
>sit on couch while house fills with family
>refuse to sit at table
>i eat on the couch

Drinking Svedka Vodka with M.

>M was my very good friend for a long time.
> We just recently stopped hanging out, but oh do we have some good stories.
> Anon and M. Good stuff. So, M always had vodka. His favorite drink ever.
>Whenever he came over, he might bring scotch, or some whiskey, but vodka was his favorite.
> Preferred a specific brand called svedka. So, he had discovered svedka from his co-worker
> His co-worker we’ll call C, was always getting him alcohol, seeing as were both minors.
> Well he would get him vodka mostly, because that’s what he liked.
>So me and him have very different reactions to substances. High or drunk.

The tetris snatcher

Here's a story about my first time with a snatcher.
>Going to and from the studio I love playing Tetris on my phone trying to beat my highscore.
>After MRT(Train) from Boni Ave, I’m in the the jeep going from Cubao to Espana, gonna be a 40min travel.
>We're probably halfway by then when we stopped near squatters area.
>Playing tetris totally absorbed, unfortunately I was right beside the jeep entrance.
>I didn’t immediately notice this kid hop on the entrance and in 2 seconds snatches my phone.
>My earphones gave a good 1 second tug for me to process that I'm being robbed.

Shrooms side effects

>One year ago, 19 years old
>Got the idea to go to the netherlands (i live in belgium) and get magic truffles
>Didn't expect the trip to be much, didn't even expect to feel anything since it's legal there
>Went straight for the most f*cked up ones, they were called High Hawaiians
>Went back home, settled with each 15gr of them
>We played some GTA V, waiting for the trip to come
>One hour in, head starts to heat up and feel light. My friend didn't feel anything yet
>Two hours in, colors start to vibrate, started to freak out because i couldn't handle it mentally
>Told him i needed to be alone and went to the next room with only a TV and a couch

Abuse of power in the workplace

Hey /b/ I want to share a story of what made me quit my job.

> Be me
> Working minimum wage job as a receptionist, part time while in college
> I start working there, doing great work much better than the full times
> One day I am about to clock out and boss comes to me and asks me to step in his office
> I do and he shuts the door
> A little nervous
> "Femanon I just wanted to tell you you're doing great work."
> "thanks bossanon"

Dating a crazy girl

Sup /b/
One of the most messed up sagas of my life has ended, I'm literally speechless on how this all happened

>be me
>living in Italy, don't know anything about italy
>working in small chinese store as part time
>owner looked like a samurai, always wearing some robes like the ones they use while filming a flick about samurais
>around mid-day every single day this really qt girl came in
>legit 9/10, dark brown hair, greenish eyes, curves to make nurburgring look like a simple straight line
>sexual tension too high while serving her

Barber's Freshman Tales: Drunked Up

> Be me, known only as “The Barber” by most
>Be 15 at the time
>Be freshman
>Be riding bus to school one morning
>Suddenly, a wild juvenile delinquent pulls out a water bottle full of some foreign liquor, suggested to be 80 proof
>Passes it around and lets everyone take a sip
>When it reaches me I decided to be the freshman fag I was and chug the whole thing
>Being the freshman barber I had an under abused liver, which made me a lightweight
>I came to 1st period, plastered out of my mind

It's over 9000

>Be me, 6th grade ultra hyper beta
>Kid i don’t like starts messing with, pushing me around
>Usually don’t do much nb4 pussatron
>Idiot starts shoving me into the wall while i was walking to class with friends
>dat silence
>start getting pissed off
> "Piss off Shawn"
>"Hah, faggot, you won’t do sh*t"
>Pushes me
>Fall on my butt
>nb4 Pussboi
>'Fight fight fight fight"
>Really angry

Bad mushroom trip

Bad trip greentexts? Here we go.
>I was about 19 years old, heavy pothead, never tried anything else
>Called my dealer, he told me he's out of weed, all I can buy is magic shrooms
>Got nothing to do for the whole weekend, so I decided, why the hell not?
>Never really read about it anything, so like the dumb idiot I was I've eaten 2 pieces of it home alone ~8PM
>Having munchies, watching TV, nothing special, 1 hour passes and I'm getting suspicious about not feeling anything
>Another hour passes, my mouth is getting dry, I'm starting to chuckle on National Geography Channel documentary shows

The works

>be me
>in highschool
>some girl at school that i guess is alright
>has the nastiest dreadlocks but nice butt
>eh i guess it all levels out
>she’s from some messed up new-age family
>doesn’t believe in traditional names
>call themselves names like sunshine and starlight
>somehow hit it off with her
>follow her home one day, get up to the door
>she opens the door but turns around
>no dinosaur in sight
>she leans in for a kiss
>oboy oboy
>her dad suddenly stands behind her

Funny home depot stories – Lord of rage

> me
> 20 years old
> working in the electrical dept. of a Home Depot
> Crazy people every day
> I’m at the back of an aisle and i can see the main entrance from where I’m standing
> Just up the aisle and to the right is the service desk and returns
They get trouble regularly by crappy customers
> Really slow
> Waiting on a customer so i can pounce on them and help them
> Man its boring
> I see a couple come in looking pretty distraught

Fatso on a plane

Story time
>2 days ago
>catching plane from Dubai to Syd
>14 hours
>I've already flown from Nairobi to Dubai, which is 5 hours, with a 5 hour layover
>finally on plane
>one row in front, and across the aisle is this fat idiot
>crew comes down to check everything
>gets to him
>"excuse me sir, ease fasten your seatbelt"
>pushes hand beside himself searching. Misses the seat because he covers more than it