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Showing posts from April, 2015

420Yolo guy and big brother

>Move out of town to study
>get two roommates in the dorm I lived in
>One is probably suffering from some syndrome, really timid guy
>other is a scumbag, 420 yolo wigger
>the chill guy is quite good gaming company.
>Play trough dozens of games co-op, become a really good team and he slowly opens up

Fast forward 3 months
>come back from school
>hear sad whimpering
>420 yolo guy made the chill one do his dishes and clean his room
>for no compensation at all

Barber's Freshman Tales: Boobs For Whipped Cream

>Be me, known only as “The Barber” by most
>Be 15 at the time
>Be freshman
>Taking a sexual harassment class because I went around grabbing girls tits
(I had an autism attack that day)
>Last day of class
>Got excused to go to the restroom
>Notices teacher lounge is open
>Goes inside, and finds a fridge
>Open it to find a extra large can of whipped cream
>i need it.wav
>Shove that behemoth down my jeans
>Wobbled back to classroom, makes me look like I have a ween bigger than harry callahan’s magnum

Why I cut my long hair

OK /b/ STORY TIME
Here's why I cut my long hair:

>be me, 15
>have long ponytail
>proud of it, even though my own mother told me I looked like an ugly girl
>living with my step-dad and mom
>step dad is alcoholic
>one night drunken dad is talking crap about my mom and me while he’s outside
>call him keyword
>"IGNORANT"
>triggered.jpg

Hero

> be me
> manager at a grocery store.
> 18 years old
> guy comes in with a knife while I’m stocking liquor
> holds up cashier
> cashier does everything by the book
> I hear this guttural scream
> one of our regular customers is this 60 year old retiree.
> lives just down the street
> his retard son Robert (35 years old) comes in like 4 or 5 times a day to wonder around the store and say hi to us, buy a candy bar or soda.
> sometimes he even just stands up front and says hi to everyone coming into the store.

We are monsters

Hey /b/, am I a monster? also this is kind of a feels thread
Here's a little story for you fags, don’t expect much in the way of storytelling, it’s more like a collection of events.

>be me during first day at highschool
>be at class
>check out my classmates, seeing which one of these people will be lucky enough to be called my friend
>there’s this kid, let’s call him eddie, he approaches me to talk.
>we hang out for a bit
>I start to think maybe this will be my high school friend (I was new at the highschool anyway)

Barber's Freshman Tales: Anger Is Real

>Be me, known only as “The Barber” by most
>Be 15 at the time
>Be freshman
>Be sitting in 1st period gym
>It is the first week of school
>Everybody is chilling in the bleachers while the coaches get uniforms situated
>Sitting at the top with the dermatologist and this 4/10 attention seeking slutbag
>Like most attention whors, she suffered from a case of unwarranted self-importance
>She then proceeded to blab at us, which was rather annoying
>I made that clear to her by kindly asking her to shut up
She took it the wrong way and started threatening me

Bubbles

>Be me
>Kissless betafag
>Spring of 2011
>Meet girl
>qt3.14 9/10
>We hit it off immediately
>We get really close
>Tell her I'm a virgin
>She is too
>We decide to have sex
>At drugstore buying condoms
>See bottles of glycerine on the counter
>Lady at the register tells me that glycerine makes great bubble soap
>Being the fag that I am I think bubbles are cool

Relationship in ruins

Feels thread I've got a story to share

>be me, 2 years ago
>last year of high school
>been in a relationship for 5 years already
>we were talking about marriage and family together
>basically been hanging out all the time, never had those awkward silences
>she was my best friend and my best lover
>she never even talked to other guys, always did what I asked her
>she was the most caring person I ever met
>one day I notice a missed call from her
>call back
>no answer

The stench of death

Just a story

>being an undertaker
>not the wrestler, that joke is old
>just finishing a job
>"client" in the crematory near the dead cells, ready to go home
>the owner of another company comes
>cocaine fueled undertaker in his 50s
>known for not caring about his company, owning the worst one in the sector, and many "business trips" to thailand
>everybody hates him
>we are in suit, of course

Are crazy girls good in bed?

Crazy women you've banged.

>Me 22, she 21. Work at a hotel.
>Rumors she's a freak and she's dating a guy we work with
>Hear more rumors he can't keep up.
>Ask her out anyway
>First date, we go to a bar have a few drinks and we kiss as I open the door for her
>she's grinding on me as we kiss.
>go back to her place, do it all night long
>She tells me she can't get preggers because she has endometriosis
>finish in her repeatedly

Probably a little bit too much Jägermeister

> be me, 18y.o male, beta
> bored, nobody home
> no friends to go out with, fugg it, i'm gonna go alone
> get drunk to convince myself i can do it
> end up in a bar 1hour later, around 22p.m
> order a beer at the bar and think about how wasted i am
> a guy sit next to me and start talking, I don't understand much because of the music and how drunk I am, but hey whatever might be fun
> I understand that this guy is an Ukrainian immigrate ( I'm in France btw ), he looks around 30, and he start explaining me that he was involved in extremist politic party and did some messed up things
> I already like this guy

Uh oh

>be me
>first year in college, new town, awkward, have no friends
>had a steady gf back home, but we parted ways since we were going to college on opposite sides of the country
>need to bang again
>troll sites like meetme looking for desperate high school chicks
>find this whale, I don't even have to try to flirt
>invites me over
>show up at her house, she's got this boxer puppy with a messed up eye
>whole place smells like weed and mold

Chicago – a city where you can almost die

>in Chicago. It’s march. It’s 50ish deg f. its 11 pm
> friend from out of town. showing him around.
>slightly drunk.
>ride bikes to the loop (downtown.)
>on lake street and wacker, there’s a bridge going over the chi river.
>remember six months earlier, was spending last night with gf before she moved to LA:
>we had been walking back to my dorm (in the loop) and realized that in the middle of the bridges there are trap doors.
>unlocked trap doors.

Brocop

> be me 19
> taking photography class
> project due in 2 days
> stay up super late to take night pictures
> go to local bridge
> barely any cars
> taking some dank pictures
> cop pulls up
> crap
>"hey if you're gonna jump, you're on the wrong side"
> oh fugg is this the rare type bro cop?
> sees my camera
> explain to him my situation

You showed her m8

alright guys, want to hear the story of what happen between me and my ex?
> this girl i dated for a while, and i absolutely was in love for her, would have done anything for this girl.
>for the last 2 months things were bad, idk what happen, but we were distant

>she would flirt with other guys all the time and i would always be told, but she denies it and since it wasn't me who saw it i didn't do much about it
>be 4 weeks ago
>want to talk things through, try and close the gap between us, do whatever i can
"can we talk"
"i have nothing to say to you"

The story of Remington

>9th grade
>my school was "progressive" and let the tards freely mingle with the normals.
>most of the tards were, well, tards.
>but one stood above the rest.
>Remington.
>The most alpha tard I've ever met, dude didn't give a single damn.
>I had every class with this guy, he would do the most absurd things.
>we were in art class, Remington kills the work, ask to use the class computer.
>Teach says yeah, Remington goes on, nothing big.
>10 minutes pass, and suddenly, the class is filled with the sound of lusty moans.

Friendzoned by crush

>be best friends with 10/10 super hot chick
>friends for 15 years during childhood/ girl next door.
>go everywhere she goes
>shoulder to cry on over for 5 boyfriends
>become a man
>fall in love with her and tell her last year
>get slapped
>forgives me
>breaks up with her 6th boyfriend last week
>cries on my shoulder again
>tell her while she's crying on her shoulder that I'm in love with her and I want her to be my girlfriend
>says no and leaves, doesn't return my phone calls until I say I'm sorry in text message. calls me and invites me to her party Sat

Alcohol, passports, and weird foreigners

>Be 21
>Visiting New York city for work
>start drinking at hotel after work
>Smoke break
>30 year old woman with funny accent appears with weird irish seeming guy out of the darkness.
>She says man is scaring her and she needs help
>Too drunk to call the cops like a normal person.
>Hang out and watch.
>Irish dude gets mad. "It’s him or me"
>Damn i can’t get arrested for this crap regardless of who wins
>Chooses me. Imokaywiththis.jpg
>Guy leaves.

Don't take drugs in school

/b/ I fugged up worse than I ever thought possible

>be me, end of 12th grade
>accepted to college I've wanted to go to since 7th grade
>do weed with my friends a lot
>one day we decide to hot box before school
>we're high as a kite when one of my friends pulls out a couple of pills
>yolo
>we all fall dead asleep in like 4 minutes
>dreaming
>in school assembly
>some black dude is talking about bullying

Be nice to gun owners

I try to defuse tense situations with humor, and it usually works, but...

>several years ago
>at friend's house
>parents are divorced, he lives with his mom
>only know that she's on disability, and has a concealed carry permit
>no big deal, plenty of people had them in my hometown
>hadn't met his mom, before
>friends says his mom is at the grocery store, will be home soon
>cool, I finally get to meet her

Acid trip stories - bad acid trip experience

I want to share one of my acid trip stories that happened last week.
>Be me, a freshman at uni
>Started taking psychedelics (LSD and DMT) a few times over the past 6 months
> Offer friend (lets call him A) 2 tabs of acid, 115ug each
>He's only ever done one before
>yolo.jpg
>We start playing steam games
>Hell yeah risk of rain
>After 40 minutes A just stops playing
>Turns the music on his phone to very loud as he just lays there, motionless
>After a minute, A tells me doesn't want to play anymore
>I let him lay there and listen to music for an hour or so as he just chills.

The Barber gets a boo boo

>Be me,known only as the barber by most
>Be 16
>Be hanging out with squad on saturday
>Just me, the dermatologist, and a soulless ,freckled up ginger whom is known as “The Kron”(pronounced like the disease)
>Decided to head up to walgreens
>Once we reached that sh*thole,we all craved an energy drink
>We decided to get a mountain dew kickstart
>”It’s cheap,but it’s good” ­Trevor Phillips
>Anyway,I decided to chug mine
>Now,being the barber and all,I don’t really handle sugar too well
>Like,how scarface can’t really handle cocaine too well
>The moment it metabolised in my stomach,it was all oger

Why you shouldn’t have nose bleeds in public

>be me
>be 21
>just left Goodwill with a nice dress shirt and vest
>for grandpa's funeral
>mom and grandma ask me to stop at Dairy Queen for some banana splits
>nosestartsbleedingprofusely.exe
>scared
>nose bleed of this caliber while driving is scary
>stick couple napkins in my nose
>I have a huge nose, you shut your face
>I pull in to Dairy Queen parking lot
>pull in behind dumpsters to hide the fact that I'm bleeding to death
>Oooooooh, an empty water bottle!

Super drunk

>drink a huge amount of 151 and beer at friends birthday party
>decide we're gonna drive around on our motorcycles in the parking lot
>am so blacked out I hop on and just leave lol
>pulled up to a stop sign and fell over
>too drunk to get bike back up
>crawl onto old ladies front porch and bang on the door thinking that I'm home
>black out completely
>"Anon you’re here, get out!"
>lolwut??
>"GET OUT"
>wake up in back of police car at the station

A normal day in America

>Be hanging out in dorm about to meet a girl
>Need to go to the store
>For things
>Store isn't too far from my dorm, so I decide I'll just walk there
>Leave dorm
>Get to literally the busiest intersection on the entire campus, it's 4 ways, constantly packed with cars, and heads straight to downtown
>As I cross the street I look back and see a dude without clothes pop out of the bushes
>Guy looks about 19-20yo, hairiest bush I've seen in my entire life
>babynoodle.jpeg

Finnish air guns

>Be me, Finnish guy living in the north.
>Summer 2010
>Small-ish town. Nothing really ever happens.
>Sleep-over at friends house

>Playing games etc with host and another dude who was there.
>Notice we are out of snacks
>It's 3:00AM
>We decide it's a smart idea to take my friend’s airsoft guns (he had a lot of them)
>We shot lamps, the ground. Even a car because we were idiots.
>Notice we are out of snacks. "Damn"
>We lived about 5 miles from the city and that was the only place you could find a 24/7 shop.

Tech support for my mother

>Be 17
>”Tech Support” of house, apparently plugging things in and unzipping files is some next level shit
>Chilling in my room and my Mom screams “ANON, GET DOWN HERE!”
>Go see what she wants
>She’s sitting at the computer.
>Apparently she needs my “Technical knowledge”
>Ask what she wants
>She starts ranting about how my games must have corrupted the computer and deleted one of her programs.
>Hop on computer to see what the hell she’s talking about

Turning into spaghetti

>be me 22
>work as manager at some men’s clothing store
>average day just sitting behind the register watching netflix because fukk it
>then out of no where 9/10 blonde walks In.
>intsanetflixpause.jpg
>start talking hit it off immediately
>I fall for this chick within a minute, we like all the same things, she's hot blah blah
>she has bf dontgiveafuckmode on
>says she needs a job
> I talk to owner of the store, she gets a job with me.
>itshabbening
>we continue to talk, things get more flirtatious etc

Painful sex story

Sup /b/ How bout we have a thread on painful sex stories? I'll start.
>Be 17
>Dating qt3.14 gf, 9/10
>Obsession with riding, cowgirl seemed like it would be my favorite position.
>Ask gf if she would try it
>"Sure anon, anything for you"
>Get into bedroom
>Begin missionary
>Feelsgoodman.jpg
>Slowly move into cowgirl.
>She sits on my c*ck
>Bestexpirenceofmylife.gif

The gift

>Worked as an Engraver
>Get call from Manager for a job
>Gotta engrave initials on a silver heart necklace
>Go it pick up, Designer even found a really nice font for the letters
>Go do job
>Looks very fine
>Proud of myself since I'll help a guy get laid tonight
>Customer arrives to pick it up
>Guy looks at the necklace
>Turns pale
>Signs of live all gone from his face
>Most likely crapped himself
>Tells me a certain letter L was supposed to be a certain letter E

Watching pronz

Getting caught fapping/close call stories?

>be 11
>discovered pronz
>I never leave the house people ask me if i want to go place cause i wanna watch pronz.
>mom leaves to go shopping
>itstime.mp4
>get lotion and some paper towels
>find a video of my liking
>really start going at it
>suddenly hear the squeak that the front door makes
>turn my head around, lock eyes with me mom for what feels like ages.
>get the idea that if i run now she might not think i was fapping

Did you do your homework?

>7th grade
>social studies
>teacher has a system where points are given out to that class period if everyone turns in their homework
>whichever class has the most points at the end of the month gets a pizza party
>look around to figure out which miscreants are part of the class to assess our odds of a pizza party
>in class with that first stoner of 7th grade
>two of the typical middle school jerks that think shouting d*ck jokes every 5 minutes is funny
>the bully kid that's suspended every other week
>basically the class that principle fantasizes about locking in the room during a fire
>I'm your typical goody two shoes kid that does every piece of homework
>fast forward a few months

Cops love guns

>on way home from shooting range
>get pulled over
>starts out normally enough
>cop asks me if I have any weapons in the vehicle
>tell him "I'm on my way home from the shooting range, there’s 4 or 5 rifles in the back
>before I can actually finish my sentence, there's a Glock in my face and a cop screaming incoherently at me
>his partner comes up on passenger side also pointing his gun at me and screaming
>slowly follow the conflicting orders not to move, and to get out of the car by opening the door and allowing myself to simply fall over on the pavement
>cop grabs me by shirt and pins me to ground

Bully Bob

I went to the same school for 12 years and I had always been the easy bully target.
>overweight
>financially poor in comparison
>raised republican
>agnostic
I was 6ft2, 280lbs, and a big sissy I didn't get my stuff together until 10th grade because I cared too much about how others saw me.
>10th grade
>sitting by self in study hall
>kid behind me
>let’s call him Bob
>Bob thinks he's the boss

Clicky clicky

So /b/ I think I effed up with this girl

>there's the girl I like
>she is in my Chem. class
>I sit 5 chairs away from her, not enough motivation to make a move
>sometimes I take pics of her feet when she wears open toed shoes
>add her under my troll account on facebook (my only account, I'm not a pleb)
>Be at the mall to purchase DBZ Xenoverse from games top
>see her walking towards Macy's
>she didn't notice me, I follow her thinking this is my chance

Short greentext - wtf

>be in college living in apartment
>building is 4 stories tall and every apartment has the same layout as the ones above and below it.
>I'm drunk at a friend's apartment on another floor at a party
>decide to get something from my place
>leave and walk to other side of building, go up stairs to my floor.
>go to my apartment door and go inside
> wtf is happening, someone changed my stuff

Bartending stories from Latvia

Couple of bartending stories about dafuq people.
Lurkfag trying to greentext.

>be me
>21 y/o bartender in Latvia
>random Tuesday last autumn
>5PM or something like that, nothing at all going on
>random skinhead walks inside the bar holding 2 big black plastic bags(skinheadness noticeable, le combat boots w/ white straps, bald head, tattoos, the whole shebang)
>the guy is kinda drunk
>sets the bags on a random table, gives a loud ''HELLO'' and asks for a beer
>mfw he's strangely jovial and actually kinda polite
>pour da beer

On speed dial

>Be about 15/16 at the time
>Hanging around with friends
>Pretty sheltered life so stuff can catch me off pretty easily
>Can't be more than about 5,8 at the time
>Walking with a group of friends past a church situated in a kind of "back street" area
>Pretty much no one around other than us, very infrequent traffic
>6,2 Irish sounding guy strolls on up to us wearing a trench coat
>Stops abruptly in front of us and makes a point of looking to the church
>Turns to us and we all kind of stand there in silence for a moment
>"Excuse me brothers, do any of you have a phone I could borrow? I need to confess some stuff. Y'know?"

Trying out buttsecks

>be me
>been doing it with first gf for about a year at this point
>starting to get boring, we decide to mix it up
>decide we want to try buttsecks
>dumb kids, didn't think about using loob
>realize it's kind of dry, but subconsciously wondering if it will follow same rules as vag: after a few dry thrusts it may start to get wet
>doesn't work -- get my boner in and it feels like sandpaper
>abort mission abort mission
>try to pull out--however, it's soft now, and every time I try to pull it out it just stretches, hurts like hell
>after feeling like my noodle is about to get ripped off, I panic for a moment

Looking = trouble

My 1st (and only, thank god) interaction with a feminist.

>Live in rural Ohio, I know OF feminist, but never seen one
>Get caught with nitrous oxide, get busted with intent to sell it.
>Eff you police, I'm a race car driver, not a drug head.
>Judge wants money so he finds me guilty
>Probation, have to do drug rehab 3 times a week.
>One day I'm walking in, and I see a girl from behind.
>Skinny, looks to be a 8/10 body, nice butt
>She turns around and catches me looking at her butt

My roommate from sophomore year

>Freshman year college
>Live in small dorm (35-40~ish people), on second campus
>Dorm next to us there's this really weird kid
>Stutters, talks about the most inane things nobody cares about for hours on end, ugly as hell, gives a really weird vibe
>Honestly something wrong with his head, must be, no other option
>Only have to deal with him every now and then, be glad that I don't have to do it more often

Fast forward to Sophomore year
>Partway through Sophomore year try to move to a cheaper dorm

Handsome black man

> dropped off at court house in middle of city
> need a money order from a gas station
> don’t know the area
> walk up to non autistic looking black man
> offer to walk to there
> ask's me if i think he looks good
> he isn’t a hobo, and he is in a suit, so i say yeah
> but then asks me if he looks "good, good?"
> ohboy.mp3
> "uhh, sure man, you're handsome."
> says i am too...
> we get to the corner store
> asks if he can get my number
> nofag.jpg
> "umm, well, I’m not gay. i have a gf"

Bikers have good eyes

> be me, freshman in college in Daytona Beach
> group of friends decide one Sunday to go on a drive
> we're all nerds, so we decide to go to Best Buy to window shop
> get halfway there, suddenly bumper to bumper traffic
> people walking everywhere, can't figure out why
> finally get to best buy an hour later, should've been a 5-minute drive
> best buy is closed, parking lot is being rented out and is full
> ask parking attendant wtf is going on
> Daytona 500

Breakup feels

>be me 21
>be in band, have own record label
>study in fancy art academy do all sorts alpha things
>get this hot gf solid 9/10, plays music
>super religious family, dad former pastor
>get in good terms with them, bond with dad
>we move in together, family pressures marriage
>i finish art school work dead end job
>support gf who’s studying
>pay food, rent, clothes, travel all
>start to feel real good with being family guy
>sexlife slowly deteriorates she wants ring
>not sure if she wants me or marriage
>get a cat to save relationship
>really love the cat he's super dope

How I lost my virginity to a transsexual

So I just lost my virginity to a transsexual prostitute and I don't know if I should be proud I worked up the courage to, or ashamed of what went down

>be me last night
>2 weeks away from turning 21
>don’t want to be that 21 year old who has never had sex
>resolve myself to do it with a prostitute
>originally planned to do it with a girl, but then came across this one listing
>as far as trannies go she’s a 9/10
>Brazilian, proper tits, hot face, narrowish shoulders (only turn off was the big hands)
>decide to just visit her since I've had an interest in trannies for years

The story of Lyn

Gather around folks, I got a feels story for you, haven't seen one in a while.

>be me during senior year in high school
>asperger, severe social awkwardness and anxiety
>school was small-mid size, lots of people knew each other, had a lot of them added on facebook.
>this one girl always caught my eye, not in a sexual way though, she seemed genuinely interesting.
>didn’t know her name
>she had kind of a goth/dark vibe
>she was 1 year my senior (she had already graduated
>find out her name, its lyn.
>gather the courage to talk to her on fb

A camping story

Sit around the campfire and let me tell you a story /b/

>Two friends and I go camping every year for 2 weeks
>We "rough it" as much as possible, build our camp, fish hunt and trap as much as we can, and only bring the basics
>We try to set up in a new area every year and have a ton of fun with it
> This year was going to be no exception, except all 3 of us were in long term relationships at the same time for the first time
>You see our girlfriends (one engaged) got together and decided they were coming with us

Lame party

>Get invited to a party by my female neighbor
>She knows i have no friends
>I arrive, about 25 people there.
>They have a BBQ going, all drinking alcohol.
>I see her as i walk in, she says hello, how i am etc.. and to enjoy myself
>I go out the back and head on outside
>I get a Styrofoam cup and pour some scotch
>Tried to interact with people but no one wants to talk to me, or i get vague answers and always have to start the conversation.
>Had enough of the pathetic party, and watching all the guys feeling up all the females
>Decide to get my Styrofoam cup and a fork with me and hide them in my pocket.