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Showing posts from March, 2015

A fighting story

The last fight I got into.

>Went to the bar, I was already drunk from predrinking
>Say hi to everyone I know
>Guy I went to school with walks in the bar
>I say "Hey how's it going"
>Tell me "Leave the bar"
>Uh what?
>You heard me, leave the bar
>Dude it's me Anon we-
>I DONT GIVE A FUGG WHO YOU ARE
*pause for 2 seconds do decide what to do*
*headbutt him*

Not the best memory

>be me
>broke up with last gf a year ago before we banged; didn't care because she was a massive hoe
>randomly get a text from her
>she's apologizing about all the crap she pulled
>we get to talking, I mention that I'm home alone (parents were at work until 9:00)
>"we can totally bang there then."
>boner starts to form
>she comes over an hour later
>she's maybe a 6/10, kinda chubby, but not bad looking
>we get right down to business and head to my room
>making out, ripping off clothes

My religious parents made my life hell

>be 7
>have idiot religious parents
>some older kid gets caught touching a boy my age.
>I use to hang out with that kid occasionally
>didn't do anything to me.
>parents go into defcon 1
>beat the hell out of me
>"tell us anon what he did to you"
>"tell the truth and we won’t be mad anymore"
>tfw didn't even know what sex was
>tfw didn't even know what being a fag was
>don't let me go to school for 4 days
>they take turns slapping and yelling and beating me.
>i start agreeing with them just to make the pain stop.
>"anon did he make you touch his wiener?"

Destroying a girl’s life

>be me
>be 18
>on first date with girl I wanted for ever
>get drunk and spike her drink
>come to my house
>try it on with her, she refuses then falls asleep
>I get in the mood so remove her clothes and spread legs bout to do it then remember no condom
>cloth her and sit her down stairs on couch
>call neighbour gay guy to watch over her as she was puking few times
>go shop for condoms get back the guy is there doing something on phone
>tell him he can leave he goes

A kiss he will always remember

Aiiight.... Sorta related

>Decide to skip school with friend Matt
>Then Matt says let's go to Amy's
house
>Amy is cute and flirty
>Her parents work so we can hang there
>Go to Amy's and catch her as she's leaving
>Convince her to skip too
>Watch TV for a couple of of hours
>I'd been up late the night before
>End up dozing off on the couch
>I wake up 2 hours later
>Just Amy in living room with me

The one night that ruined my life

Hey /b/ I feel obliged to tell you the story of that one night that ruined my life.

Also, general story telling thread, all things go.

> Be 16 year old me
> Going to a party with my friends
> I live pretty far away from any big cities so i have to ride my bike for 30 minutes before i can get anywhere
> Finally arrive at the party, notice i lost my pack of cigarettes on the way
> Sudden idea, i can chug like a mofo
> Why don't i chug for cigarettes?

Bob has an idea

>be my friend, Bob
>also about 7 years ago
>bob is a daily binge drinker
>it’s not a good weekend if he doesn't black out
>bob, despite being a total mess is still somehow able to get laid
>somehow bob procures a steady girlfriend who also drinks as much as he
>swing by bob's place for a sunday morning BBQ
>bob is renting a house with friends and threw a party the night before
>as we sit down to eat our breakfast hangover burgers (at like 2 in the afternoon)
>bob tells us that he's probably going to break up with his girl

The feminist, the knife, and the pepper spray

Story time, /b/. This happened a few months ago.
>wife does a lot of charity work
>going to event for local hospital
>event to raise money for testicular and prostate cancer research
>I arrive 30 min. after event started
>police cars and ambulance out front
>fat woman getting arrested
>looks like typical feminist
>pink hair, hairy legs, smelly, thicker beard than I have
>ask someone what happened
>she was arrested for vandalizing "coat check" signs
>she taped paper saying "CIS Male Privilege" in front, so they read "CIS Male Privilege Check"

But that butt

>Be me
>Junior Year in College
>Start going to tons of parties
>Eventually go to this one
>Everyone is getting completely wasted
>Guy chugging down a thing of Vodka
>He passes out
>Waitasecond.jpeg
>this story has nothing to do with the guy
>Find this one girl by her lonesome
>She’s a 9/10 chick super awesome body
>DEMTITTIESANDASS.PNG
>Walk up to her only a little drunk
>Strike up a conversation

Kitchen of horror

>Be me, in culinary school last year
>Basically, my class was 4 severely retarded people, a fat black lesbian that sold cocaine, my best friend since 8th grade, and a 9/10 Czech girl who abused opiates a lot
>Really into her but she has a boyfriend, get stuck with being her best friend instead
>One day she comes to class absolutely wasted, but coherent enough to know what was going on
>Asks me to help her keep our instructor, who we just called Chef, from finding out that she was drunk
>About 20 minutes into the class we're working in the kitchen, go to walk-in refrigerator to get potatoes
>She tries to pick up a huge box of potatoes before I can stop her, feet slip out from under her on the wet metal floor, taters fly everywhere

Suspiciously sitting in my car

Interactions with law enforcement. Share your stories. Anything goes

>Be 18, fresh out of high school
>was working at Walmart
>get off shift around 8pm and drive over to friends house to play magic the gathering (trading card game)
>on way to his house, deck box slides off seat and cards spill in to floor
>pull up outside his house and start picking cards up out of floorboard
>notice cop car slowly drive by
>stop and watch him for a minute

The story of tiger

>When I was eight years old I visited my best friend at his parents’ farm
>their cat had fresh little kittens.
>best friend gave me one as a present.
>took it home and really loved that cat.
>I grew a lot, as did the cat
>sister found a new cat when I was 12
>new was female, mine was male
>my cat has grown really big
>looked almost like a wild cat
>cats live in the basement
>my cat rapes the hell out of the new teenage girl cat
>get kittens
>two kittens are black, one is beautifully grey, the rest is striped as their parents.

Wine gums = trouble

Let me tell you a brief story /b/:
Also random greentext thread.
>Be me, 15, around 10 years ago
>Mum has gone out to visit some distant friend in Wales or somewhere.
>She's staying the night there.
>Around 11'o clock PM, I decide I really want some wine gums.
>Can't find house key, sort of need it since we have a Yale lock (the sort that locks when it's closed fully shut)
>Pull the door too so that the lock is like half an inch from clicking shut.
>Raining heavily and we live in a rough-ish neighbourhood so scary as eff.

My daughter

>I’m 37 years old
>Had a child young with my high school sweet heart
>yeah I know, bad idea
>We were in love the first 5 years up until I decided I wanted to bang other women but still maintain my fatherly duties
>Ex wasn't having it and put me on child support
>Wages would be garnished up the a** I literally lived on the poverty line
>I had to live with my brother and his family for a couple years in their attic just to hold my life together and not go homeless
>Got to the point where I contemplated on killing my ex
>never got to see my child or anything
>Feminist court says I pay and she decides whether I can have a relationship with my child
>Years go on and I give up fighting

Short greentext - Desperate

Ok, here's my worst.
>be me, 16
>going to the auto parts store
>pull up, music loud. Stop car and go in
>guy inside is -very- happy to see me
>tells me I have a reeeaaaallly cool keep
>mfw it's an '89 grand wagoner
>fake wood paneling, messed up paint
>guy insists it's cool
>starts talking about his recent divorce
>tells me what a hoe she was
>tells me he knows this great off-roading spot
>"I don't think my jeep would do so well"

Fool me once...

Whelp here goes my story about being a friendzone f*ck. You's can comment or just read, i don't care. I just want to get this out..

> me and gorgeous, literally 10/10 (in my eyes) girl becomes great friends through high school and years after (both early 20s)
> I'm shorter than her, manlet status 5'4" (she's about 5'6-7", life sucks. Muscly and decent looking though.
> thought we were so in love with each other. We're both virgins at the time and say we'd happily lose it to each other.
> finally get the courage to ask her out
> she's too busy with work life and going out.

I have the power

Work as a Master At Arms for the us navy.

>be me around 18-19
>working patrol
>sitting on a stop sign that gets ran all the time
>oh here we go, take off pull over car
>walk up and see a lieutenant
>sir I'm patrolman anon with base police do you know why I stopped you today?
>"because you’re a piece of sheet seamen on a powertrip?"
>da hell? "No sir it's because you ran a stop sign blah blah license registration blah"
>now let me be clear I never wrote tickets I have warnings, and this dude didn't do a California stop he didn't even slow down for the stop sign

Sittin' on the toilet

>be me
>freshman year
>mom would make me get up really early for no reason
>we literally lived 5 minutes away from the school
>eat breakfast really fast
>moms yelling at me to hurry up
>decide to wear a white shirt
>feeling some light indigestion in my stomach
>decide to ignore it and don’t go to the bathroom
>sitting with friends at a table in the school courtyard
>talking to them about counterstrike and chinese cartoons
>feel fine

Extra creamy

>me be working at coffee place
>only over the summer
>I hate customers
>I hate the regulars even more
>act civil and like a pro through
>jobs a job
>it's a busy day I get back from my lunch
>place is packed no seats in the place
>a werewolf of a woman approached "is that seat free" extended her ape hand and points at a seat with a coat and a bag on it.
>"sorry that seat looks like it taken"
>she's not impressed that I denied her stealing someone seat.
>I get back to work.
2 Days pass

Marriage rage

This happened yesterday afternoon:
>Be me.
>Watching Twin Peaks with the wife.
>Whatagreatafternoon.jpg
>Wife starts eating a grapefruit with a spoon and she tells me "look anon! This is delicious"
>Wife starts digging the spoon in the grapefruit and all the juices splashes and sprays all over the place including my face and eyes.
>Tell wife: "hunny you're spraying grapefruit juice"
>Wife gets all mad and pissed for some crazy hormone related reason and moved to the other side of the couch spitting and mumbling all kinds of stuff.
>I hear "fugging a**hole, it's only grapefruit juice you're not gonna die"

Ultra combo

>be in high school
>get stoned at lunch
>get to algebra class
>high but always a good student in this particular class
>get A's all the time. Algebra is the easiest
>eyes are cherries
>clownface.png
>everybodyknows.exe
>in the middle of a lesson, the teacher pulls up his chair next to me at my desk
>gets up close and personal
>everybody watching
>in front of everybody, he asks me "Anon, what are your thoughts on teens coming to class under the influence of marijuana?"

Homeless people stories – That smell

>Work at grocery store
>not good or bad but it was my first job
>sell the normal food things frozen dinners to fresh things yadda yadda
>like every store we do have homeless people
>smell like crap, start conversations with people just to talk and get money
>you know homeless people things
>on day on my register
>i was only 16 at the time so I still had some faith left generally for the larger population of the world
>my co-worker comes in through the door just frowning
>takes off her helmet and just looks at me
>"hey anon, there’s a homeless guy that just rode here on his bike, I’m pretty sure he soiled himself"

Me and my in-laws

>Me and wife are staying overnight at wife’s parent’s place
>Like to have nice morning farts in bed
>Feel a big on coming
>let it rip
>uhoh.png
>it’s not a fart
>liquid stool accumulates quickly in boxers
>have to use a lot of willpower to clench anus muscles and halt flow of stool
>by now my wife realized something is wrong
>must have been because of my tense facial expression
>”what’s wrong, dear?”

I wonder what those fish were thinking

all of you are casuals
>be me
>14ish
>feeling kinky
>see fish tank
>we had a fairly large tank, 45 gallon
>had about 20 fish in it
>get idea
>wet tip of dong in tank
>sprinkle fish food on wiener
>stick it back in tank
>one fish swims up and begins nibbling
>feelsokayman
>wait a few minutes

For Ashley

Hey /b/. It’s pretty late tonight, everything’s going good, but for some reason I’d like to tell you all a sad story. It’s a very long one though guys. I hope you’ll care to listen to all of it. The story of whom we’ll call Abs.

>be me
>be 14
>freshmen in highschool
>still a bit of an antisocial aspie
>barely any of my aspie friends jump with me from middle school to highschool (inb4: amerifag spotted)
>Sitting at lunch with my 3 other annoying friends
>nobody is really talking, mood is down, everyone has depression which basically led to our social retardation

Worst OkCupid date

Worst date...

>be 21, girl less after my breakup, horny as hell
>go on OkCupid
>put up pics, being waiting game
>get message
>talk
>she's meh, but a sailor will take any port in a storm
>prepare to woo the holy eff out of a 6/10, semi chubby girl, bringing my A+ game
>meet her at a bar and try to talk to her
>she's super boring, and totally embarrassed about everything involving this date
>decide to crank it up a bit, since i don't know her

The magpie

> a tale of feels
I sat at my grandmothers kitchen table, drinking some coffee.
> what's all that racket?
I look outside and see some Magpies sitting in the Jasmine tree in the backyard. They're swooping something on the ground.
> what are they swooping?
The next door neighbours cat is slinking around the garden. It must be threatening the birds.
I look closer and see an injured Magpie on the ground.
> damn cat
I run outside and scare the cat away.

Sometimes you have to fight hard for it

>be 25, meet this girl
>she's gorgeous, nice body, huge tits, great butt
>i am so into this
>ask her out, she says yes
>i have one chance to take her on a date, because i am GOING to hit that before she leaves and goes back to NY
>date starts at a local spot, get a drink, start talking
>she's wearing a little tiny pink dress that shows a ton of cleavage and only goes to just below her butt cheeks
>i am anon's throbbing erection
>decide since she hasn't been home in a while we should hit the city, i go to the bank and check my accounts, i am beyond adequately prepared for this, i withdraw $200 cash and call that my limit... never paid for poon, not paying more than $200 for this piece

King of slobs

how many people are on /b/ that are truly just complete slobs? sometimes i need some motivation, that i can strive to be more of a slob. lets brag about how filthy we are, i'll start

>shower less than 5 times a month
>no underwear ever or socks period
>wear same sets of clothes weeks at a time
>doing laundry 404 not found
>last brushed teeth 30+days

and that's only the tip of the iceberg for me

>dog pees in and near the bathroom, never clean it up
>dog piss encrusted towel and shirts pile

You had one job

I hate my life /b/

I just got fired for doing my job.

>Work as bouncer for golf club
>manager asks me to cut off a group of people because she's too scared to do it
>says they're really aggressive and not to go easy on them
>it's my first week, i want to impress
>i go in all gung-ho, "Gentlemen, finish your drinks and make your way to the exit please"
>the guys get all argumentative and tell me they're committee members and that they'll have me fired,

Short greentext - 2

>be me
>11 y/o, 5th grade
>always got the hiccups after I ate lunch at school
>teacher eventually notices
>yells at me every day for hiccupping

News: 1000 greentexts uploaded

Hi all!

So here it finally is!

Yesterday I uploaded the 1000th greentext. When I started this project I had no idea that at one time it would feature so many stories and I want to thank all of you for your support and hope you will stick around until I published another 1000 greentexts :-)

In the following I added some interesting facts & stats about greentexted and its visitors.

Please share and like!

10 most often read greentexts

1. What happens when mom thinks you are a hacker
2. 4chan sex
3. Peter and the Joker
4. Getting my revenge
5. The story of wolf Josh
6. My penis is too big
7. Tard stories – The story of Nicole
8. The story of swiper
9. It just wasn’t meant to be
10. What to do when your girlfriend caught you cheating

10 least frequently read greentexts

990. Nobody suspects a skinny white kid – nazi pod
991. My girlfriend the killer
992. Start beta.exe
993. Cake stories - cake in butt
994. Everyone wants to beat up th…

Cooking for my girlfriend

>1 year anniversary with gf last week
>invite her to go out for drinks
>she knows I can't cook
>decide to surprise her
>spend every free minute in my jam-packed schedule for the past two weeks learning to make fresh pasta, savory raviolis, muscles and calamari, 3 different sauces, fresh Italian bread
>expensive wine
>candles everywhere
>flowers
>everything perfect
>gf arrives on time

This is why you don't tell details about your job

>be me, 23
>work in retail to support student lifestyle
>3 loose chicks work there
>2 are bi, 1's a dyke, they're always hanging out together
> they're really popular with other employees
>hanging out with beta friend
>known him since we were neighbors in college residences during first year
>full-on wizard material, 25yo kissless virgin
>playing Vidya, tells me he needs a job
>two staff have recently left my workplace
>didn't think he'd get the job (resume is terrible) let alone apply

Short greentext - 1

>be me
>be a few years ago >takin a poop like a baws >radio playin my jams >reading some newspaper article about a dude's murder investigation >set paper down >go to wipe >suddenly lights start flickering >radio cuts out >Mother Nature used earthquake

Drinking milk is bad for your friendship

Why the hell is it weird to drink milk at a social gathering?

Over at my buddy's house.

>Hey man, want a drink?
>Sure, whatcha got?
>Alright we got gatorade, orange juice, coke, blah blah blah, and... milk.
>What percentage is the milk?
>What?
>WHAT DOES THE MILK SAY
>It's whole milk man... why are you asking?
>Because I want some dipsh*t, or else I wouldn't be asking about the goddamn milk.
>Why the hell would you want to drink milk when you go over a friend's house? It's just... weird... Nobody drinks milk at social gatherings.
>This isn't even a social gathering; we're 2 friends hanging out... I've known you for 5 years! This is getting ridiculous. I wanted 2% anyways.
>You got a problem with whole milk?
>Haha, alright man just let it go.
>I'm asking you a question, you got a PROBLEM with WHOLE milk?
>Ummm... well... I don't really have a problem with it, I just don't like how it tastes. I prefer …

There are no Xboxes in hell

Things you're going to hell for,
I'll start
>Be me 7 y/o
>First Xbox just came out
>My mom takes me to buy it that weekend
>After checkout I run out of the store to the car, carrying my new Xbox
>firstorgasm.jpg
>10 feet from the car and I drop the Xbox
>Mfw my stomach drops out of my anus to china and gets sold on the black market
>Hear a cracking noise and pray to the merciful shrek that it’s not broken
(Should add that I had no concept of returning broken items for refund)

TINDA

> be on the tinder grind
> getting some random hookups
> tell my neighbour about it when he asks me what I've got planned for the weekend
> he asks me if I can show his down syndrome son, Nathan how to use it
> because Nathan wants to date
> "Yeah sure."
> A few days later there's a knock on the door
> it's Nathan
> he's got a pencil balanced on his upper lip
> "HI I NEEDA PAPER"
> "okaaaay..."
> go to get him some paper
> he snatches it, walks inside uninvited, sits on my table and then waits patiently

I need pizza now

more pizza delivery stories

>place closes at 11 pm
>it´s 11:45
>about to close
>money is in the safe, oven has cooled down, pc is shut down
>suddenly two guys come in, asking if they still get pizza
>tell them sorry we´re closed
>start begging for pizza
>explain that the oven is already cooled down and my shift is over
>they start whining how hungry they are

Unethical but clever way to make money

ITT: the most unethical way we make money
>be me, middle of last year
>just got my first apartment, not great but it's what i can afford
>studying for a mechanical engineering degree
>no car
>no friends yet because i just moved there for school
>no money for food that's not salt covered jap noodles
feelsbadman
>always been kind of a good artist
>start posting some artwork online, particularly on tumblr
i follow some social justice blogs and mess with them, also it's an okay place to get my ego stroked

Beta male experience

Let me tell you a tale /b/ 

>Usual Tuesday
>Wake up at 9:30, snooze for another sleep for another 2 hours
>Notice that my mom's friends car is outside, avoid going upstairs for another half hour and have a long wank
>Hunger becomes too much to bear, so I grudgingly go to make my way upstairs to the kitchen
>Hear mum talking about me, "I don't think he's ever been with a girl, he doesn't get out much for someone his age"
>Mum's friend talks about her son, "That's a bit of a worry, Jarrod introduces me to a new bimbo of his every few weeks. I swear, I've told him I don't care who you date just don't bring them to my house to screw"

The militant vegan

Story time /b/ retail/customer support edition

>work at pizza delivery place
>customer calls
>wants one of those disgusting whole grain pizzas
>no cheese
>asks if it will be completely vegan
>tell her anything without cheese and meat would be
>tells me we shouldn´t even offer meat and cheese
>starts a militantly-vegan-rant
>tells me I will burn in hell for eating meat and working at "satans slaughterhouse"
>just stand there totally baffled by so much idiocy
>manager stares confused at me, since I didn´t say anything for a while now

Why didn’t you just do it on the side of the road?

This just happened an hour ago.

>Driving home from Denny's
>Stone cold sober
>Have to piss
>Never had to piss so much in my life. 3 cups of coffee in me and haven't pissed in 8 hours
>Try to hold it. 10 minutes from home
>Looking for options. 1 AM, everywhere closed, can't just piss on the side of the road. I can hold it
>No I can’t
>Find water bottle in car
>Point of no return, noodle about to explode, have to pull over
>Pull into first parking lot I see

Junk food is the devil

Before I start I want you to know the situation I was in.

>Parents are away for the majority of the day for weeks.
>They're refurbishing my aunt and uncle's new house.
>I've eaten nothing but junk food for the past 2 weeks because nobody feels like cooking when they get home.
>Feel the constant urge to take a dump but the junk food has made a concerted effort to set up a roadblock in my lower intestines.
>Bowels feel like one of those high-pressure distillery kettles at this point.

A bra is not a...

>working in lingerie store
>usually the worst that comes with this job is measuring big fat fatties when they say "Yeah I’m sure I’m a 28D, but these don’t fit"
>oddly enough, they’re not 28b and our store doesn’t go into the 60s

However, one day
>just chilling, waiting for the end of the day and store close, about an hour away
>it’s a really slow day, only two women in the shop right then
>lady comes in, perfectly normal and nice
>asks for measuring so she can get something just right

That one girl

Here goes. I'm going to try and make it short.
>Known girl since 5 years old
>always been the nicest person on the face of the earth
>no matter who you are, she will smile and say hello
>get to high school, get bullied a lot
>nobody does anything, not even teachers
>the same teachers that run anti-bullying campaigns in our school
>end up being depressed from having no-one to talk to about anything
>don't know what this empty, emotionless, tired feeling is
>mfw i was a sufferer of major depression for two years and didn't know
>about year 9

Why you shouldn’t take a dump at work

>be 21 working at target
>taking a lot of painkillers at the time
>was heavily addicted
>need to take a painkiller backed up constipated sh*t from another dimension
>I can hardly hold it in
>go into the handicap bathroom, more privacy
>begin dumping process
>feel immense pain surging from my butthole, and enveloping my entire body
>at a point I swear I saw an apparition of my dead self telling me to take a stool softener
>it comes halfway out and relentlessly exits my butt
>I hear outside the door

Spending the night with a landwhale

>be 19 and a complete beta fag
>still a virgin
>get invited to my aunt
>drive there by car
>arrive and see her, my uncle and a fat, 3/10 27yo femanon
>aunt turned from 4/10 to 9/10 after weight loss
>we all watch a movie, have fun
>start to drink wine
>beta fag gets easy drunk
>landwhale seems to be into me, ignore here I’m here to have fun with my relatives
>everyone is drunk
>ask if i can stay for the night - sure

Adopted and hated

>be me
>pic related, not actually my family but it’s very close
>adopted when I was 2 years old at choice of my dad despite moms opposition
>mostly ignored by mom my whole life
>still felt a lot of love from dad
>have two older siblings
>brother and sister are biological children of both of my parents
>parents show significantly more affection to them than to me
>I grow older and develop issues
>become sexually confused and emotionally detached from everyone except my dad

Things not to do when working for Burger King

well /b/, i got fired from my first day on the job at my first job, at burger king for what i think is a bs reason and I may sue them

>be me
>first day at burger king
>show up on time
>faglord manager showing me around
>explaining everything
>makes me watch this dumb intro video
>i get a txt from my gf during it
>i look at the text and he walks in
>ARE YOU WATCHING THE VIDEO??
>THIS CONTAINS IMPORTANT INFO!!

Acid drug effects – Ultra paranoia

>19yo
>Fresh out of high school
>Addicted to acid
>took 2000ug
>was peer pressured into driving
>halfway to destination
>start getting ultra paranoid
>convinced my two best friends are feds
>basically hold them hostage in my car for two hours by threatening to crash the car at ludicrous speed
>end up crashing in soybean field
>gets out of car
>run around in the field for a minute
>become convinced that everything is some crazy simulation and that I need to kill myself in order to become one with myself again