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Showing posts from February, 2015

Life with tinnitus

I need desperate help, /b/. After now 400 days I am determined that I want to die. Please consider reading the following and help me with suggestions.

My past:
> have friends, girlfriend and family depending on me.
> have in all my 27+ years been the happy, smart and successful guy, who loved the hell out of life and was an example for others (I'm not trying to brag, this is important to the story).
> carry university degree in software, and I have been very lucky to be taught by the best (both in school and in job industry). I am a passionate software architect, dreamer and specialist. I love my work, and it is also my passion and hobby.

Raising raccoons as pets

> Be me, 10 years old, not a care in the world, little boy leaving for hockey
> I just ate dinner and its bout that time to get ready for hockey
>go upstairs and get in my suit all stoked for the big game
>goes in garage and starts stuffing gear into my opened bag
>hears a couple faint but very apparent high pitched squeaks
>HOLY CRAP WHAT WAS THAT!!!
>tears into bag to find the source
>TWO BABY RACCOONS STARING WIDE-EYED AT ME
>panics, doesn't know what to do so just stairs into baby raccoons eyes

Some ambulance dispatcher stories

>work as an ambulance dispatcher/phone operator for private company
>contracted to nursing homes
>get the same call every tuesday
>"u bring ambulance. this nigguh pulled out his catheter"
>all of my wut. y would an old person do that?
>same guy calls next night
>"dis lady fell on dah flo'"
>"dis man needs summa oxijen"
>same guy every night for a month
>find out he was abusing old people
>goes to jail

>one night get call
>"is this the airport?"

Funny tinder stories – High maintenance girl

>girl 5 is this blonde girl who is physically way out of my league
>she wants to meet up for coffee on her lunch break
>"i have 30 min, it would be good just to see if we like each other."
>get there early
>nervous
>watch her come in
>solid 8/10 without makeup on and in her waitressing attire
>as she is getting her coffee i work up the courage to approach her
>h-hey girl 5
>she turns around, she is on her phone
>waves at me then presses her finger to her lips

CIS scum vs landwhales

>Be me, lazy college student walking to class
>Coming up on the library when I see this large group of landwhales congregating on the path
>"are they giving out free food? Because I like free food"
>There is no free food
>Just a bunch of landwhales shouting and chanting at every man that walks by
>No way around without needing to turn around
>Just walk by, trying not to be noticed
>"HEY CIS SCUM"
>ohgodno.gif
>"YOU PATRIARCHY SUPPORTING IDIOT"
>Just let me pass

Funny tinder stories – The alcaholic

girl 3 isn't interesting, we'll go on to girl 4, an alcaholic

>girl 4 is a salty looking alternative chick
>has a septum piercing and gauges
>kinda surprised we matched at all
>not even sure why I swiped right
>she wants to go watch music at some bar
>asks me to pick her up from a restaurant where she works
>she looks really different from her pictures but she isn't ugly
>when she gets in my car she smells like alcohol
>"hey anon nice to meet you *giggles* sorry I got a little drunk before. liquid courage you know?"
>great she's an alcoholic
>we go into the bar

Surprise for sister

>Be me last night.
>Sister is in bedroom next to me watching TV.
>TV is playing a bit loud so I go in to ask her to turn it down a little for me.
>Sister is out cold sleeping.
>I've never seen her as anything but my system but tonight something is different.
>Her blanket is pulled off of her some and I can see her young body. She just turned 18 last month but looks much younger still.
>Cutest little panties I've ever seen.
>I could see the outlines of her vag through them.
>Bra is twisted on her where she rolled over and I can see her nipples slightly.
>To urge to jerk off washes over me in an awesome wave.

Funny tinder stories – The evil roommate

posting my tinder stories.

>meet girl on tinder
>girl 1
>everything goes pretty great
>text her: let me know when you want to hang out again
>don't hear from her again
>a few weeks later, ask out another one of my matches
>girl 2
>she's cute but too much of a hipster to be my type
>invites me over to have dinner at her apartment
>come in through her bedroom
>pictures of owls and owl figurines everywhere

Haircut of horror

>>be me 21 years old
>>went out last night with a friend
>>got really drunk
>>feelsgoodman.dll
>>got home
>>woke up
>>felt like I’ve been hit by a bus with Stevie Wonder driving
>>haircut appointment at 2.15
>>woke up at 2
>>rushed to get there
>>still got wax in my hair from night before
>>look like crap
>>get there, the guy says to sit down he’s almost finished cutting his clients hair

The story about my time in an adolescent correctional facility

>be me
>15 at the time
>get admitted to adolescent correctional facility
>reason is truancy
>co-ed ~30 people total
>5 months in and new girl comes in
>quiet and reserved
>2 months pass and she livens up
>eventually notice she keeps eying me from across the room
>finally ask her what the reason is
>ask her privately because respect is a thing i have
>says she wants to date me
>tell her no because i was with someone already
>she doesn’t enjoy hearing this

My boss and her milk

>be me three days ago
>work crappy customer service job in call centre
>been there for a couple of years
>hate it but it pays the bills
>most of the people I work with are awesome too
>old boss left, have new mega b*tch boss
>she either likes you or hates you
>I got the latter
>she tried to get me fired for being sick 1 day
>she said I didn't call in nor fill in the paperwork
>went to the union who said I'd be fine
>fast forward a while
>my gf pregnant and I had to sort paternity leave out
>bitch boss says she had sorted it and I was entitled to 2 weeks

Banana peel masturbation

Story time guys. About how I discovered banana peel masturbation.

>be me, 13 years old
>never even seen a bra strap let alone a nood girl
>friends bring over a playboy one day
>see first vag
>grose.jpg
>friend claims nothing feels better than a wet whisker biscuit
>friend is only a year older
>because beta, ask what the runner up is
>banana peel masturbation
>whut.gif
>he advises me to fap with a warm banana peel, I'd come buckets

The good old times

>Southampton University, UK
>Be me, Second year Social Policy
>House party
>Have been weight training for 6 months, taking dairy based protein shakes
>Gettin' dench
>Shakes give me volcanic sh*ts occasionally
>At house party, volcano erupting
>Toilet, squeeze molten dairy shake through bleeding rectum
>feelsgoodman.jpeg
>Wiping butt, tiny amounts of blood on loo roll
>Wedge fresh fold of roll in between butt cheeks to soften the burn of butt-scorch
>Drink
>Drink

Just another day at work

>Working front register at CVS in shady part of town during a busy night rush
>older black lady walks in dressed in rags talking to herself loudly, not on the phone
>comes up to the register about 5 minutes later with some tylenol and a disgusting odor still talking to herself the whole time
>starts spouting about her kids not caring where she's at or how she's doing, yadda yadda.
>says she might as well just die
>theydon'tpaymeenough.zip
>just smile and tell her the total
>lady ignores me and still continues her nagging, customers lining up behind her
>awkward.tiff

Embarrassing army commission story

Army stories thread?

>be me, a couple of years ago
>be Russian
>it is required that you enroll in army for one year when you're 18
okhereigo.jpg
>on a commission at doc
>corridors are filled with half naked recruits, so am I
>my turn to go to doc
>think about Putin (not really but I’ve heard you find these jokes funny)
>get boner
>wat?

Stupid fat coworker

>work in large supermarket deli
>work with fat woman, I'l call her FF for fatfuk
>18 years old, first day of work, supervisor shows me around, shows me how to use the slicer, shows me how to use the huge industrial oven
>FF is just doing her job
>Pretty normal first few days
>4th day I take lunch in the break room, FF is also taking lunch.
>I was eating healthy food, people asking me about my food because it smells good (it's some sort of roasted bean pasta).
>FF out of nowhere, gurgles; 'looks gross'
>'It's healthy, my girlfriend cooks it'

Hardships make you stronger

>be me
>2013
>just got down with my first semester at college
>1.4 GPA
>1.4 is right, thought I could treat college like high school
>come back home for break and meet this girl from my high school
>year younger but she’s cute so idgaf
>we hang out a few times but mostly talk
>anywho fast forward to second semester
>talking to her more and more
>still not giving a damn about school
>come back home for spring break while parents are away
>throw party at my house

In the 60s things were different

Here’s a story from my dad

>it be 1969, 19 y/o dad, dirty nor cal hippy
>good times
>decides to drive to visit friend in Boulder CO
>in middle of winter
>takes early 60's VW bus (cause ya know hippie) missing its two side doors
>fill van with weed, beer, friends, & 3 dogs
>whatever it's nice here in nor cal in January, no doors no problem
>crossing the Rockies almost dying of hypothermia
>snow storm, freezing, can't see anything
>One guy has to drive, one has to scrape ice off the windshield while the rest huddle in the back w/ the dogs trying to keep warm

Theatre of pink puke

worst one
>working at movie theater
>clean up crew, smoke weed and sweep all day, sometimes find money, sometimes other things, found a revolver under a seat once
>in a theater one day and my manager comes in, says she needs me to take care of something
>this is never good. they tell me they'll give me ANY poster I want... this was the go to bribe, full size theater posters, tell them I want the 300 poster (long time ago)
>done
>damn, this must be bad, everyone wants that poster
>bathroom, big side, starts in 11, you'll see it

Sorting boxes with my teacher

>12 years old
>Crushing on 8/10 teacher big time
>Teacher needs things from supply room
>Says she needs help carrying stuff
>I lift with dad in home gym daily
>I get picked
>Gather a couple of boxes
>Then look around supply room for workbooks
>Spot them on top of a shelf
>Go to climb ladder after them
>Teacher stops me
> Tells me "If you fall I'd be in trouble"
>Tells "I'll get them, you hold the ladder"
>Hold ladder for her as she climbs up
>OhMyGod

Pool boy stories – part 2

>have a work order for a heater not working
>pull up to the house, big mansion
>walk around to the back and looking at the heater
>needs an igniter, install the part, heater turns on
>heaters running and I’m waiting to make sure it doesn’t shut down
>walk over to the spa and see a big strap on rubber dong on the bench
>homeowner lady comes out 8/10
>"did you get the heater going?"
>"yes mam, just making sure it doesn’t shut down before i leave"
>lady walks closer, sees big strap on in the spa
>she doesn’t think i saw it, or hopes i didn’t

Worst roommate ever

Here’s the greentext about my worst roommate ever.

>be me
>old roommate moves out
>he was a douche, but nothing horrible
>unfortunately bad credit
>So whoever I let take his place has to have decent credit
>only one guy passes the credit check
>total fag
>As in, has name brand make up brush, faggot
>as in, I invite him to get Chinese food with me (a 5 minute walk from the apartment)
>and he says "oh sure, just give me 20 minutes to get ready"
>proceeds to spend a half an hour picking out an outfit, doing his hair, doing his makeup

Pool boy stories – part 1

>get dispatched for a broken filter pump motor
>homeowner has an autistic girl, or retarded, i can’t tell, i guess with the severity of her mental disorder it doesn’t matter
>peek over fence, nobody there.
>sweet, walk in, replacing the motor, test it
>its running, i walk up to the spa and I’m checking the water pressure
>look up to see girl standing there butt naked
>she screams a mumble at me
>her mother comes out
>"hey, it’s not time to swim yet, we have to wait till the nice man leaves"
>"sorry pool boy, she is disabled"

Nightmare on Valentine’s day

Well, Valentine’s day was a NIGHTMARE.

>be 24 years old
>home alone
>was gonna play Katawa Shoujo and drink tea/beer while playing the Lilly route
>seriously sad
>girl texts me
>"what are you doing tonight? there's a storm coming and I want someone with me"
>she's a solid ∞/10, a real head turner
>i tell her yeah, I’m just gonna shower and head over there
>we drink some wine which goes to our heads quick

God saved me from demons

Demonic possession.
Here's my testimony.

>born into a heavily religious household
>dad was doing years of searching for the church that fit him
>also married an abusive wife during the process
>from the age of 3 to the age of 10 she tormented me with abuse
>psychological torture, emotional, physical, verbal
>dad was either at work (prison guard) or too weak to do anything
>the evil thoughts started when I was young
>when I was about 4 I used to not be able to get swear words out of my head
>they would circulate through my head for hours at a time

Brachycera

>walking around downtown
>sunny Saturday afternoon
>be me
>skinny, black
>not very attractive
>not a lot of people like me
>constantly being made fun of for my eyes and terrible vision
>always being Iooked at in disgust
>hurtsman.jpg
>going towards the busy café, I‘m hungry
>I have no money so I figure I can probably get some grub off of someone
>make my way to the cafe

Why affairs don’t work

>I lived in a small rural village, in Sussex, England.
>I was 22, had a wife, and 2 beautiful children.
>We'd lived there for maybe 18 months, when our neighbours decided to sell up and move abroad.
>Within 2 months, the house had sold.
>At first, I wasn't bothered about our new neighbours.
>I didn't see them, since I worked from 3am to 1pm most days, driving an arctic wagon.
>One day however, I took the day off, and was sat in the garden with a beer, and one of my wife’s woman magazines, bella it was called.
>Out of nowhere, I hear a soft, faint voice.
>It was the lady next door.

Children are our future

>be me 20 year old 6'2 170 pounds muscular metalfag
>have long hair and long beard
>go out to play basketball in nearby park
>playground near the court
>see some 8 year olds
>get a bit tense cause not good with little kids
>start shooting some jump shots
>hear some kids abusing me verbally
>little girls shout "vomit hair"
>shout "are you boy or a girl" to me
>ain't givin no damns
>start to throw some 1 hand dunks so they respect me and leave me alone
>read earlier that little kids leave you alone when they can't get any reaction
>they come on the court

Broken

>Be a year ago
>meet girl while dating another girl
>We'll call her E
>she and I fall in love stupid fast, like, everything clicked
>summer comes, go home for the summer, occasionally drive up to see E
> every moment is bliss, unflitered happiness
>school year begins after long, amazing summer
>practically live with each other because so happy with each other
>school year breezes by, so happy all the time
>amazing sex, nice long conversations, chill with each other
>come may
>I go to Peru for a class, leave her back at uni for 18 days

The truth about the fish and bread miracle

>Be 26AD
>Be ginger haired guy in the middle east
>constantly get mocked by all the Arabs for being the only ginger haired guy
>make a living for my family by catching fish and milling bread
>wake up early one day and head to the boats to get a head start catching fish
>some guy bumps into me and knocks me down
>"oh sorry anon!"
>he helps me up and hands me back my fishing rod
>he is very excited
>"sorry anon, I am just in a hurry to tell everyone!"
>tell everyone what fag

Creepy greentext – The old farmhouse

>be me
>be 9
>mum has family history from this one small island
>takes us there every summer
>chilling, having good time
>moms new boyfriend jerking around
>best time ever
>one night
>wake up
>have to go pee
>try to hold it in for a while
>hear massive crash from the door
>seriously spooky
>did I mention this was an 1890s farmhouse with spooky history?
>get up

The girl in the darkroom

>be me
>me in an interactive science museum
>be in a darkroom where you have to feel where you are going to simulate blindness
>girl with hot voice is behind me
>she touches me
>feelsgoodman.jpg
>standing still so she won't stop
>touches my neck
>screams
>"there is someone in front of me"
>I say yeah it's me
>she says sorry and says it felt good
>awwwyes.jpg

Teaching basics

>Work as a "Helpdesk Technician" for Internet and TV
>Local cable company in the South
>Retired old people everywhere
>Old lady calls in
>Wants to make an "Email shorter"
>Wat.
>Goes on to say that she wants "To and from removed from email"
>Log in to her account to find out what the hell she's talking about
>Realize she's trying to forward an email
>Wants to remove other people's emails from chain email
>Just wants to send body of email

Game of Thrones very special edition

Story time b

>go to a party with friends
>see a really cute girl 8/10
>I noticed really cute girl is sitting with one of my old friends from high school
> decide to start talking to friend and then move on to cute girl
>nothing really happens, find out cute girl really wants to get high
>pre-rolled a fat blunt before the party
>we head out to the back and she immediately sits on lap
>girls butt is 11/10

Dayz greentext – Beans

>be me
>just spawned in for the first time
>literally have no gear
>run down the road
>find a barn
>go upstairs
>lee enfield rifle
>ohyeah.jpg
>run outside
>shoot it at the road
>zombies out of nowhere
>take off
>outrun them
>find my way to a small little community

The Russian mafia

>be me
>24
>just started an agriculture business in Russia (cheaper land, relatively cheap labor)
>producing milk (got around 200 cows that I bought with investors money) , got some chickens on the side producing eggs
>start seeing some pretty good profits, expand to 600 cows, aiming for 1000 by end of year
>business is growing quickly, move there from Germany to supervise directly (at request of investor)
>have now been living in small Russian town in the countryside for almost a year
>I don't mind, since I'm now making around 25k/month exporting my milk to other east European countries

Dayz green text stories – Time to cry

Dayz green text stories time!

>running to northwest airfield for epic l337 loots
>crashed heli
>awhyuss
>find an aug and smersh vest
>my lucky day
>keep running to north west
>finally arrive
>scope out of the airfield
>seems clear
>go into barracks
>hunting backpack finally
>fully geared decide to head towards the coast

Don't get involved with the Mafia

>Be me
>Italian, 23 y o
>Live in the worst part of Naples
>In desperate need of money
>Lost my job and could get evicted anytime
>A friend of mine had friends who had friends
>he asks me if I want work for them
>With them it meant Italian Mafia
>Be reluctant but have no other option
>Accept
>I start by doing by selling pot, or doing the courier
>Not a big deal
>Starting to earn some cash
>Able to pay rent

Greentext creepypasta - The drain people

Here’s some greentext creepypasta for you guys

>I've always hated walking around alone late at night and avoid it whenever possible
>Our neighborhood is very quiet late at night, no cars, no people and minimal noise, it almost feels post apocalyptic, like you're the last person on earth
>So one night I had no choice and had to walk home from a mate's house, it was about 1:30am
>Everything is ok until about 10 minutes into the walk
>I hear a car coming behind me in the distance
>Cars pulls up next to me, freak out a little, as I've said I hate walking around at night
>Its a ford Territory, there's a whole family inside, mum and dad in the front, and three kids in the back, all under 10 by the looks of it

Stories from an unlicensed doctor

>Just finished putting together kit, scored most of my anesthetics and such from Eastern European wholesalers/etc.
>Wonder how I'm going to find connections.
>Having a drink at the local watering hole, notice a man with his group of associates, all dressed nicer than everyone else. Talking in hushed tones.
>Notice one of them begins wincing and grabbing his side later in the evening after having a few drinks. Notice a stain on his blue button up shirt.
>Walk over. They all stare at me.
>This man is clearly injured. I would like to assist him.
>Go away or you'll get hurt.
>Bleeding guy says "Damn it man, this hurts"

Paladin of the friendzone

>be me at 15
>be friendzoned by some girl I like
>the type of girl who pretends to like video games so guys will think she‘s cute
>convinces me to play Diablo 2 with her
>she plays sorceress
>I chose paladin
>Has idiot boyfriend who occasionally logs on his barbarian and plays with us
>I decide to make a support paladin because “I am a good friend”
>only upgrade support skills
>literally follow her character around in-game and cast defensive auras

At the gas station

>be me yesterday
>walk into gas station
>super angry guy at counter
>pakistani I think
>hello!
>he stares back angrily
>okay
>get $1.50 bottle of tea
>get $2.50 beef jerky
>ask for $15 of gas
>walk up hand credit card
>he hands me receipt to sign
>total is $35
>errrrrr
>sorry, but this isn't the correct total

Have you ever tried Ball Park Beef Frank™ hot dogs?

I just had the funniest day ever.
>be me 24 living in a condo with my 19 year old sister
>come back from work
>pop open a beer and watch tv
>hear a scream from sisters room
>run to it and throw open the door
>she’s naked and throws the sheets over herself
>she’s covered in sweat and her face is beat red
>she‘s shaking and breathing heavy
>I ask her “what the hell is going on, why did you scream?“
>she stutters and looks hesitant
>then I turn around and walk out
>as I am walking out she says ‘wait!‘

My brother Barry

My life is no longer worth living, /b/. I’m going to OD on painkillers after I tell you the story of the greatest man alive.
>Be me being born
>I have a twin brother
>At birth I took most of the nutrients while I was in the womb and my brother was about to die because the cord was wrapped around his neck
>Doctors were astonished that he survived
>He lived with critical brain damage for the rest of his life
>They said he would only live for about two years
>We’ll call him Barry.
>Barry survived what the doctors labeled him as and was now a major part of my life
>There is a fine line between people that are retarded and people with actual disabilities

Feel story from Finland

>Had a dog since 7 year old
>move to north Finland become alpha
>we can still keep the dog
>one day sister comes to my room and says anon our parents have divorced
>cry rest of the day won’t go to school for 3 days won’t talk to anybody
>later i start going to school i feel alpha
>couple months later my best friends mom dies of cancer
>friend is depressed and does not come to school
>we had a candle in our classroom and we always lit it for him
>soon have to move away back to south Finland because mom can’t support us
>somewhat little depressed

Surprise in the bedroom

>2 hours ago
>having buttseks with 9/10 girlfriend for the first time in years
>ohyeah.jpg
>enjoying it for some time until I feel some strange object in GFs butt
>ohgodno
>pull noodle out
>expect it to be covered in crap or something
>nope, much worse than that
>tapeworm wrapped around my wiener
>can feel it constricting my member, trying to move back into GFs butt
>hold back vomit and pull the rest of tapeworm out
>stretches to several feet

The dog and the suitcase

>summer of 2008
>l‘m 14 years old
>Dad wants me to get a summer job
>wtf how do I do that at age 14
>pretty sure It‘s illegal
>anyway I ask my neighbors if I could dog sit while they‘re on vacation
> this is all just to please my dad
>definitely don’t want to do this
>their dog is as old as me
>14
>big Labrador
>thing looks like it‘s three steps from deaths door
>3 days into their vacation
>I unlock the door to their apartment

Thank you 4chan

>Start of 9th grade
>couple months after my grandma passed away
>going to public high school
>not excited
>just came from crappy catholic middle school so I know absolutely no one
>see old friend from elementary in geometry class on first day
>thismightturnoutokjpeg
>say hi as he passes
>he looks at me
>“Oh hi anon”
>walks to the furthest desk from me and sits down
>seems like he has an entire group of friends from middle school