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Showing posts from January, 2015

In the gym with my girlfriend

>me and my girlfriend decide to go to the gym together
>we're both doing cardio and this muscley guy walks up to us in his douchebag vest
>he starts talking to her and flirting despite seeing the two of us together
>she keeps laughing
>i don't say anything i just keep on doing my work out on the elliptical machine
>she hasn't even mentioned me yet
>he says something to her quietly and walks away
>she's giggling
>he's gone, it's over i guess
>5 minutes later she says she wants to do some weights and walks off
>she's missing for about half an hour and i'm on the treadmill at this point

Crossing the street

>12 years old
>have a fun summer day at the public pool
>riding bike home with my friends
>we decide to take a short cut
>short cut involves crossing a big, busy street instead of riding further down to nearest crosswalk
>lots of traffic
>1st friend crosses fine, alleviating my anxiety
>my turn
>misjudge traffic, about to be runned over
>step down hard on pedal in order to make it in time
>crappy sandals slip off pedal
>rack my nuts
>towel around my neck drops, gets pulled into front tire
>front tire locks

Sammy and Trevin

Let me spin for you the tale of two autists I befriended in my in elementary school, Sammy and Trevin.

>be me
>be in like 3 grade
>Trevin and I go to Sam's house for his birthday party
>the three of us were pretty big nerds
>however, my best friend was a girl and she was friends with other girls
>therefore, i was the group's contact with girls
>depressing, i know
>anyway, Trevin and I trek on over to Sam's for this party

Being late to class

>Me, elementary school, 3rd grade
>friend and I discovered that we can be late to class
>we just hide in the bathroom for about 30 minutes after the bell and chill before going to the office and getting a note to go to class
>one day chillin in bathroom
>"lets take a dump on the floor, anon"
>ok why not
>don't have to, but friend does
>He squats next to urinal and craps, we laugh and think it's funny
>We stand around laughing for about 5 minutes
>black janitor walks in, sees feces
>rage mode activated

Creepy greentext - Anlone in the dark

>be me 6
>living in tennesse
>live in a decent sized town with a small christian daycare
>hate the place and have no friends there
>not christian.jpeg
>people there hate me
>sick of my annoying crap of not going to sleep (find out it’s early insomnia)
>separates me from the other sleeping kids
>they put me in a dark crap smelling hall with all the kids stuff
>I’m on a dirty used cot with no blanket
>tired of everything just waiting for mom to pick me up

My brother is getting all the girls

>be 26
>living with 40 year old brother
>he gets laid often
>walls are thin
>i can hear conversations, trash talk about me.
>some girls will ask questions about me
>one night i hear two girls in the room
>bro is having a threesome
>hear conversation about me, trash talk
>hear a girl says she feels bad and bro say i'm a lonely kid
>hear one girl say maybe she should give me a piece
>bro immediately says "fukk that! no! forget that idiot!"
>hear one of the girls say "who jealous again?"

Creepypasta stories – the flute

>be about 6 or 7
>live in a friendly neighborhood
>play with friends and whatever young kids do
>be a random morning
>alone on playground, waiting for my friends
>hear some weird flute music
>some rhythm that I forgot by now
>music goes on for about an hour or so
>didn’t think much of it
>days go on
>few weeks later I hear the same music
>assume some person is just practicing music
>continue daily life
>year later
>go on holiday to germany with parents

Victorious fail

>be at a bar
>i was there to have a few drinks and then go to bed
>not from around, don't know anyone
>suddenly knock over some dudes drink on the counter
>he looks pissed
>I say it's cool and I will buy him a new one
>also buy 2 shots of vodka, one for me one for him
>exchange a few words on the counter, tell him I'm from out of town
>"anon you pretty cool, you can sit with us"
>we go to his table, he was with 2 friends
>after one more round we bounce, one of the dude's friends says he knows a party
>go to a pretty nice house, lots of people, maybe 70-80
>meet the host, a solid 9/10 19yo brunette

Fighting white trash

>Be me taking morning walk through neighborhood.
>A Dodge Ram with a camper in the back drives past me.
>Fact everyone who drives a Dodge Ram is white trash especially if they have a camper.
>Guy yells out the window "FAG!"
>Startles me.
>Reach into my pocket and whip change at him pelting him in the face.
>Slams on breaks and gets out.
>Starts charging towards me.
>I kick him back.
>I throw the hardest hook I have ever thrown.

Red flag crazy girl

>two years ago
>back when I was primarily on Meetme
>some chick messages me, 6/10 in pictures
>short replies, low intelligence, figure it would be an easy lay
>call her one day
>giggles a lot, casually mentions how often she's slept with dudes on meetme
>should have been a red-flag but I just wanted poon
>head to her place next day
>small house
>she's outside in dirty jeans, over-sized hoody, dirty hair tied back, and no make-up
>super skinny too
>I dressed in a polo, and nice jeans, showered and shaved

Lucky stoners

>Be 17
>Meet up with stoner friends for to partake
>Usually we hotbox my car,
>Tonight I explain to friends "Nah, just not tonight."
>Smoke for at least 2 hours
>Starting to get dark out
>Driving back toward friends house
>Getting darker still
>Suddenly a cop passes us in oncoming
>See his lights turn on as he goes around the turn we just made
>Oh crap
>Explain to friends that I'm getting pulled over
>Friend in backseat is known for being a loud sketch bag

I miss Felicity

> be me, be 8th grade
> be asocial retard
> only friend is a weeabo
> this one girl in my history and english class
> lets call her "Felicity"
> easily 9/10 at least in my eyes
> also socially awkward
> very crafty with the English language
> developed feeling for her second quarter in
> one day at lunch I decided to wing it and sit with her
> she seems to be pleasantly surprised
(Then again, I wouldn't fukin know)
> we talked, discovered we had some common interest

The kidnapping

>Me in 9th grade
>Meet these new dudes now that I'm in high school
>Dude A is a chill weed smoker, scrawny like me
>Dude B scared the hell out of me, huge guy with plenty of history with gangs
>Dude B had a cheating girlfriend
>They break up and get back together every week
>Cheating girlfriend holds out longer this time, they split for about a month
>Word is she was hooking up with Dude A
>Dude B calls me and a friend of his to do some sh*t
>I go reluctantly
>Didn’t ask what was going on

7/10 and 5/10

>be 20
>never found a girl that I actually like for something else than a$$ and titties
>any attempt at a serious relationship ends within a few weeks because I can't get any satisfaction out of it
>stop trying for about a year
>first year of university
>this girl in the 3rd row
>she has something special
>she's a 7/10 at best but she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen
>she seems shy, has a friend, 5/10 chubby girl and they are always together
>damn she's so beautiful


>Be me junior in high school
> last day
> make bet with friend that if I wear a thong to the last day of school he’ll give me $50
> come to school wearing pink thong
> first block goes smoothly except for a serious weggie
> 2nd block
oh crap
> realizing the thongs outline is clearly visible through the shorts I decide to go European style
> no underwear
>we start the class by stretching which I find out is pretty easy with mah ding-iling flopen around
>Next we have square dancing

What it's like to have no friends

sup /b/
just want some ppl to talk to ;_;

>be me
>starting at new highschool
>only one other friend got in
>very hard to get in (you need good grades)
>feel like I've made great decision
>most of my other friends go to my old school's highschool
>not great at socializing but very humorous
>ffw 1 week
>become one of the most popular guys in school
>not popular because of looks or anything but because I was an entertaining guy
>always making people laugh

Club bouncer stories

>work as a bouncer
>be chillin outside, tell bouncer bro I have to take a piss
> receive text while pissin "Play along"
>Oh lawd what now
> see regular c*nt outside, bouncer bro obviously giving her a hard time because she treats the wait staff like crap and tips even worse
>go outside bouncer bro trying to explain that what she’s wearing appears to be gang affiliated clothing
>force myself to not fall to the floor laughing
>she asks me to let her in
>ma'am considering the amount of gang activity in the area I have to agree with my coworker, if youd like to go home and cha-
>NO! I'm calling the police and yall gon be arrested for racism

Teacher has dates with students

>Be me
>Sitting in english class
>teacher starts talking about some boring crap
>everything as usual
>btw teacher is some old dude
>between the pedo and cool old man zone
>suddenly stops talking
> asks class
>"are teachers allowed to have dates with their students?"
>class goes silent
>no one talks anymore
>someone farts
>but noone cares

Me vs the police

ITT: We discuss our run in with the police.

>In local Walmart parking lot
>Was off my psychiatric medication for awhile
>Chose to just relax and huff air duster
>30 minutes of leisure cop knocks on window
>"Get out"
>LOL no
>Cop tries for 15 minutes to get into my car
>I laugh and jeer at him and sh*t talk him
>"Don't you have more unarmed black teens to shoot, prick?"
>He tries to use his belt to open my rear door lock, the idiot
>He calls backup
>I open door and try to close it fast to mess with him, I fail

Lurch the doorman

>working as a doorman for a club
>place is pretty fancy so not many disturbances
>Worst we'd seen since i started was this lady in her 70s slap her husband for looking at the barmaids tits
>all of us look like freakshows compared to the clientèle
>I'm a short, stout guy with hair down to my butt and a huge beard and covered in tattoos
>most of us look roughly similar
>one guy doesnt
>6ft 8 skinny guy
>barely talks and has a constant distant look in his eyes
>everyone tells me he's insane though
>See no evidence of it
>call him Lurch
>one night some trust-fund guys all come in

Life gets better

>Be me
>13 yo beta
>Constantly bullied and verbally abused at home
>Have approx. 1 friend
>Friend is an idiot who doesn't take anything seriously
>Friend thinks he's awesome and has false image even though he is hated and most people are annoyed with him
>Keep being friends with him anyways
>High school starts
>Bullying gets worse
>Attempt suicide a few times
>"Friend" along with everyone else is oblivious
>Somehow cool kid starts liking me

The Barber gains karma

>Be me, known only as “The Barber” by most
>Be sophomore in high school
>5th period
>Marketing Essentials, although we are learning photoshop.
>Anyway, we have this -2/10 dusty old queef as a “teacher”
>She was raised in the bronx, so she takes criticism as back talk and thinks that she is correct all the time
>She thinks that all poor people are on drugs
>She hates Daniel Tosh
>That’s right, ladies and gentlemen
>This isn’t your average everyday feminazi
>This is...
> ADVANCED feminazi

I broke my penis

Ok guys you probably won’t believe me because I can’t even believe myself what happened to me..
>Be me
>Sleeping in small bed together with girlfriend
>have nocturnal erection = morning wood
>because bed is so small I fall out of it while turning around
>break my penis when hitting the floor
>wake up my girlfriend and probably the whole neighborhood with ensuing screams
>I can only remember details because of the pain but after what felt like 100 years of torment three paramedics put me on a stretcher and rushed me to the hospital
>they gave me morphine or some other stuff because the pain started to ease and I fell asleep
>when I wake up in the hospital I feel fine

Waterpark hero

Whatever happened to all the greentext stories about peoples' jobs. Funny things happening at work, crazy customer stories, etc.

I guess I'll start one.

>be 20 years old working at a very big waterpark
>guarding on a huge wavepool easily over 1000 people in the pool
>busy day, 12 guards on the wavepool 5 on each side
>two black dudes over 6' 250+lbs
>tip over in a double tube with the waves on
>in 5'9'' pool depth
>they start drowning

News: Mobile users

Hi all!

Yesterday I changed the template for mobile users. Until that point mobile users saw the same site as desktop users and tablet users when visiting greentexted. However, I figured that the regular template is hard to use on a small screen as it requires users to zoom in and scroll a lot. Another reason why I changed it: The desktop template shows too much information on small screens which makes it harder to use for owners of mobile devices.

That's why I switched it back to blogger's standard mobile template. It just shows greentexts which is fine for now as it provides easy usability for mobile users.

High on Xanax

>was one of those smart retarded kids
>was in pre-calculus as a junior, the only junior in class full of seniors
>was extra disruptive for this class for whatever reason
>I was literally like Calvin from Calvin&Hobbes
>at lunch before class I eat 1 1/2 xanax bars for first time
>I decide that class is not going to continue with me in it
>teacher is named Ms Helwig, I call her miss Heckwig
>she asks for homework
>I walk around in class
>doing my homework bear impression

How to deal with a stalker

Alright /b, I have an interesting story to tell
>Work in a small IT company
>About a year ago a guy in his late 20s became my new coworker
>I liked him because he seemed like an open and honest person
>He very frankly told me that he grew up in an orphanage, had drug problems when he was a teen, but that his life was back on track
>I felt happy for him to accomplish all of these things and that he managed to land a job in our company
>In our company we have the tradition that on one day in summer all employees join together to have a barbecue
>This time it was my turn to host the event
>I am married and have a wonderful daughter

Be nice to game support

>work as support for a company that offers a new but relatively well-known online game
>unfortunately, our main target group are young men from ages 14 to 20
>most of them seem to have low intelligence and parents who obviously didn’t care much about proper upbringing
>that means that on a pretty regular basis I get offended or threatened because some kid experienced a problem with our game
>a typical conversation looks like this
>me: “hello, my name is supportanon, what can I..”
>me: “okay, can you please state the nature of..”
>some of them even threaten our company with legal action

Hooker and Pirateking

Beta/cringe stories
I'm so beta.
>go to Netherlands with friends to celebrate life
>am the only virgin
>friends collect money for high quality prostitute
>go into a club "Mother M" or something
>Old lady comes out
>introduces herself
>speaks broken English so I don't actually get what she wants
>show her money
>tfw qt 8-10 girls come on stage
>literally look 16-18 most

Taking a shower with my girlfriend

>Be 24 year old me.
>Finished uni, got a job, got a place, got a girlfriend.
>Yeah, I'm the big man.
>Coming up to Christmas time.
>Girlfriend says ”Hey Anon, my parents want to know if we want to spend Christmas with them.”
>Girlfriend’s parents are rich.
>”Sure, why not, Femanon.”
>Dive up there Christmas eve.
>Massive house. All the food and drink you can imagine.
>Her parents are even pretty cool.
>Christmas day, indulge myself heavily. Too much food, too much drink.
>Hey, it’s Christmas.
>Go to bed, sleep soundly until I hear a tap on the door.
>Girlfriend gets up, it’s her mum.

What do /b/

I wanna tell you a story of mine.

>b me
>b 17yo fag in highschool
>All of highschool, tried to take part in being cool and following in the footsteps of the cool kids
>Meant being promiscuous, so I messed around with girls
>Always had this one friend I always went back to
>We got really close by the end of Junior year
>b halloween, just a day after my birthday
>Man up and ask her to be my gf
>she says yes and couldn't be happier
>we did everything after that, the most dearest and sincerest of puppy love did we have
>I began to learn of all her deep dark secrets
>cutting, anorexia, depression

Embarrassing greentext

Embarrassing greentext, /b/?

>Be degenerate 17 year old me.
>Have 8/10 QT 15 year old sister.
>Be virgin beta fag, home alone and desperate.
>Can’t find any pr0nz to satisfy my needs.
>Decide to check out sister’s room.
>Wander through to her room naked, already have boner.
>Have a quick look through her underwear drawer
>Holy crap - little sister has a vibrator!
>Boner intensifies as I pull it out of the drawer.
>Doesn’t look like she’s washed it.
>Sit on bed, raise the vibe to my nose.
>Fapping as I get a vague scent from it.
>Go for the taste, sliding my tongue along it.

New years victory

Sup /b/
Story time, greentext of course.

>be me on new years day
>celebration everywhere
>i don't care
>just want some chips man
>yes, am britfag
>in line at the chip shop
>family of three enters
>both parents look tired as hell
>kid is high on smarties because he won't stop running around
>parents telling him to stop
>he shouts "I WANT A LARGE CHIPS"

Secretary of state security

I've posted this before, but its been awhile:

> be about 14 or 15 in early 1980's
> mowing lawns to make money
> live in swanky DC suburb with lots of old rich people with small lawns
> making mad cash
> Have Secretary of State as a client
> he likes to think he is a mentor or something
> tells me all sorts of stories about how Roosevelt was a commie and Johnson was a dictator and Kennedy was a rapist and he was pretty sure Carter was gay.
> 1 out of 4 is probably true
> And also about how the world was better when women didn't have jobs and stayed home to serve their men and "the coloreds" weren't so uppity

Taste of a new generation

>be me
>15 year old high schooler
>go to class, texting my bros while everyone else is passing notes and holding conversations in the back
>lunch break
>i just want to take out my ps vita and play some call of duty
>guy invites me to hang out behind one of the buildings and play a game of chess he's set up
>"N-No thanks, I've got call of duty black ops: declassified, i'm trying to go prestige"
>"HA! Yeah, whatever, enjoy your lame video games"
>adjusts his cuff links, turns and walks away
>english class
>everyone is presenting book reports on Joyce, Chaucer, Proust
>go up to do my report on the Twilight series

It just wasn't meant to be

>be hanging out with my friend who has qt3.14 gamer gurl gf for a while now
>ends up proposing to her, she says yes
>2 months later they break up and he moves out
>me and qt3.14 were friends so we would still chill and play vidya
>2 weeks later
>be hanging out playin vidya and smokin
>she tells me about how she misses getting laid and wants a fwb
>i smile and play it off even though i would do her roughly until she passed out on my penis
>leave pretty late
>before i leave i grab her and kiss her
>she raises a brow and she's like "i'm ok with this."

Gay prank

>Be me, 19 y/o male
>Live in Chicago, very loud and proud LGBT community here
>I don't mind them, they do no harm to anyone and they didn’t affect me, until one fateful day
>Wind the clocks back a couple months, middle of summer
>I go walking out and about, day off from work
>I stop into Chipotle because that's the best fast food around
>I LOVE having a ton of sour cream and cheese on a burrito bowl
>I walk out, eating the food as I walk
>Walk about a block before I'm stopped by a large crowd, almost a parade of gays
>There are people wearing penis shaped hats
>It looks like /b/ in physical form

4chan acid story - melting

>friday night nothing to do
>get a text from friend saying he has doses
>ok word i buy 3
>i initate the acids
>friend texting me asking if i could install this file i got on my computer to his cuz its torrented
>"yo but first im going to my friends house to burn down on his bday, wanna come"
>ok sure i havent really started trippin yet anyways
>on the drive there i start seeing things
>so it begins
>huge body high from trip
>get there, proceed to smoke like 8 or 9 bowls one after the other
>fully tripping now, only my friend knows i am
>face melting, can barely see
>jesus christ i am wasted

Donovan the tard of death

>Be me
>Be in high school
>sitting in gym one day waiting for the teacher
>this one tard named donovan
>donovan gets up and goes to the sports equipment closet
>he throws out everything and gets out a big exercise ball
>Donovan bounces around shrieking like a total moron
>He falls off
>Some kid laughs at him and says "FAG"
>donovan grabs a jumprope and wraps it around the kids neck
>the kid is strugguling as donovan chokes more tightly
>the teacher walks in

Violent home decorator

Story time bros. Happened to me yesterday.

>18 m
>Recently meet this 9/10 girl through a friend, she chills with us often.
>Boxing day
>I meet her to pick up and have a small smoke
>Raining like mad
>We go back to mine to do some bongs and chill some more

Before I continue, little bit of background on this girl.
>Effed up childhood, used to live in care
>Half way house kind of situation as she is too old for care
>She is a bit odd but not really anything noticeable. Normally a really nice girl considering
>Also has 18 counts of violence and assault on her record

4chan sex

Last weekend I shamed myself /b/

This is the most shameful thing I have done

>be 22
>girl on dating website tells me she is having a party
>invites me and tells me to bring a friend
>says her friends are willing and most likely we will get laid
>call my mate (lets name him anon2)
>tell him about the girl from the dating website
>tell him she pretty much garanteed us sex
>anon2: "bout time this happens"
>rock up to party at 9 with my mate
>3 girls and 1 random guy on dining table drinking

Sad 911 call

ITT: Feels.
I'll start with a story from when I was a 911 Call dispatcher.

>Be me
>Been working as a 911 call dispatcher for about a week
>Never had anything too serious, most aren't actual emergency's.
>Get a call
>Immediately hear heavy huffing and moans of pain, this person is clearly struggling to breathe
>A teenage boy, didn’t sound over 15 explains faintly how he fell down the stairs
>I ask if he has a parent/sibling home, He explains he’s an only child and his father left when he was young and his mother is at work

Offline boner

post embarrassing sexual encounters

>be me
>no weed bc trying to get a job, popping weak depressants and daytime pills for a mild high
>pretty basic but whatevs
>"depressants may significantly lower blood pressure. if problem persists, consult your physician."
>foreshadowtron fires up
>next day, bro comes over
>says this 7.5/10 submissive girl is dtf both of us
>she arrives several hours later
>still coasting on buzz, took way too many pills before falling asleep

My sugar glider

Hey /b/ i know this right after jizzmas but i want to share a story
>be me 2 years ago
>birthday coming up and no idea what i want
>mom frantically looking for stuff to buy, but i was content with what i had
>playing videogames when i get a call
>"anon come to the mall i think i found something you'd like!"
>drive to mall with low expectations
>find mom at a store selling sugar glider
>wtfed in my mind but went with it because i had nothing else
>we end up buying one and i name it bacon
>bacon was pretty awesome when i started learning about them
>sugar gliders are very attached to their masters and freak out when someone else had them
>become very attached to bacon bro tier pet
>keep him in my pocket sometimes
>happy, i love this little guy
>fast forward to today last year
>at grandparents house after presents and all that
>i go upstairs to chill with bacon and watch tv
>have him in my pajama pocket, everything is g…