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Showing posts from December, 2014

4chan banana

>be me
>15
>browsing /b/
>see a ylyl thread
>haven't been to one in a while and decide to check it out
>what lies ahead completely baffles my pubescent mind
>potassium pandemonium has taken over
>banana.jpg
>banana.gif
>banana.webm
>banana overload
>bananas everywhere
>i feel a sudden surge of the 19th periodic element flooding into my system

Cringe stories – The piss lord

here's a pretty good one that still makes me cringe from time to time.

Its actually not one specific thing that happened that day, it was just an entire trainwreck of autism crammed into a short period of time.

>be in 6th grade
>cross country fag
>never showered in front of other people before
>knew it was coming
>time finally comes
>autism is already full blown bc nerves
>notice all the other kids have boxers
>boxers
>oh no

4chan autism stories - autism cringe

autistic cringe moments greentext story thread?

was mulling over my life today and i realized have about a million stories on this subject. i'll start off with the most recent one i can remember

>be a few weeks ago
>at college
>waiting for bus at bus stop
>suddenly spot two grills i had met before walking towards bus stop
>wave hello
>tipmyfedora.jpg
>grills stop at bus stop
>must be waiting for bus, i deduct
>to initiate conversation or to not initiate

Sarah and the chicken coop

>Be me, about a month ago
>After three weeks of sobriety and AA meetings, decide I deserve a drink!
>Old friends coming to town, partytime.exe
>bombay.jpg while showering and getting ready
>molly.exe
>fastforward a couple hours, I drank 5th of bombay, drugs kick in, no idea what life is anymore, who I am or where I am
>Can't find friends, wallet or phone, cant get into bar
>Find my way home miracuously, facebook message 'Sara'
>Hey gal I'm comin ova
>Walk away from computer drink more, then realize oh crap I told her I'm comin over, I need to live
>(Blackout, don't remember finding keys, getting in car, and driving 30 minutes)

Ruling my penis

>be me
>12 years old
>worried about wiener size because my 12 year old piers talk about their 12 inch meat hammers constantly
>go in bathroom to measure noodle
> sit on toilet with pants off
>put metal ruler against flacid weiner
>realize I have to get it hard
>quickly move ruler
>SLICE MY DONGUS RIGHT BELOW THE HEAD
>bleeding profusely
>seriously, won't stop bleeding
>panic
>searching frantically for bandaid
>blood dripping everywhere
>find bandaid, put on my skin flute

How to piss on a small airplane

Ever wonder how people piss on a small airplane?

> Be 27, 2 friends and I decide to embark on a cross country journey to San Antonio in a rented Cessna 172.
>One of my friends forgets to use the bathroom before getting on the plane for our return trip. We'll call him Mike.
>About an hour and a half into our flight, Mike informs us that he has to take a wicked piss.
>We begin to discuss our options, we're only about 30 minutes from destination and already running late so we don't really want to make an unscheduled pit stop.
>In an ironic twist of fate we just happened to be flying in the vicinity of Niagara Falls at the time which probably didn't help with our friends state of mind.
>Things rapidly deteriorate and Mike is squirming back and forth in what appeared to be an extreme state of discomfort, eyes watering and hands grabbing at his crotch.

My first abc party

ITT: greentext the most messed up experience that has ever happened to you. i'll start

>be 15
>go to party trying to be cool
>get there and it's an abc party (anything but clothes)
>i'm wearing clothes
>damn
>some alpha football fags all get around me saying to get the hell out
>kid says "no let's haze him instead"
>eff my life
>they take me out to the backyard
>they tear my clothes off
>whatthehellishappening.jpg
>"THIS'LL TEACH YOU NOT TO WEAR CLOTHES HUH?"

Reasons to work for Goldman Sachs

Story Time /b/ How my life became awesome

>be me
>19 year old social retard
>9/10 good looking guy
>virgin (never had time to go out)
>mom dying of cancer, dad of congestive heart failure
>have relatively old parents, they’ve been sick all my life
>got my first job at 12 mowing neighbor’s lawns
>fast forward 6 years
>spend 6 days a week working construction
>6 nights a week working at a restaurant
>spend my free time on stock market simulator and going to gym
>go to school full time at local state college
>don’t really talk to anyone, just go to class, go home
>doubled up on courses and had credits from high school, on track to graduate year early

Psycho girlfriend stories

Alright you fags. Its story time.

>be me, 18
>first girlfriend was some goth chick
>had big bazongas. Gud enuf for me
>both virgins
>one night went to take her to movies
>says we need to stop at her grandparents first
>lights all off
>she uses a key and walks in telling me to do so
>disappears to the back room
>I ask is her g-parents are on vacation
>she says no their dead
>lolwut.jpg
>calls to me from the room
>walk in she's without clothes, holding a razor blade to her wrist
>tells me to rail her or she'll kill herself

How I experienced the toothpaste on nipples effect

Here's a secret: Putting toothpaste on nipples is not a good idea.

>be me
>7th grade
>chubby betafag
>have bad gyno
>obsessed with nipple size
>friend tells me about pasting
>letsdothis.bmp
>apply metric ton of toothpaste on nipples
>cover in duct tape
>leave, go to school
>arrive with toothpaste oozing out nippletape
>damn
>doing mile run in gym today
>damn™
>can already feel the paste kicking in
>decide to go for it
"Anon are you alright?"

Welfare queen story

i worked at mcdonalds while i was getting my degree, this is my favorite story
>Momma comes in with her 7 children
> At first, they just run up to me,and scream their orders at me all at the same time
>they also order for eachother,at the same time
>I dont even punch anything in until they calm down
>Whenever they're doing hooping and hollering i try to go,one by one,through their orders
>this shouldnt be so complicated
>"DID U GET MY 5 COOKIES"
>I tell them it would be cheaper to just get 6
>"MUFUKA DID I ASK FO 6 I SAID 5"
>Okay.jpeg
> The last 3 were always the worst
>"I WANT 3 ORDERS of 4 PIECE CHIK NUGGETS"

Fart revenge story

Can we have a revenge greentext?

>Be me
>It's like 2001
>About to bang with gf
>It's starting to get really hot
>She begins riding me
>Suddenly hear it creeping
>She queefs
>Uh oh
>Can't let this ruin the mood
>Have to act quick
>Force myself to fart
>"lol look babe now we're even"
>She gets off laughing at me
>I ask if she wants to keep going

Disgusting friend

>Be middle school - 6th grade
>Have sick friend who is obsessed with feces
>There is a large crack in the wall on the floor in one of the bathrooms, large enough to fit two hands through
>Behind this wall was a small enclosure with pipes in it.
>sick friend has brilliant idea of taking craps on to toilet paper, rolling them up, and throwing them through the crack into the space behind the wall.
>Does this nearly every day during lunch for 4 months
>Huge amount of his crap is piled up behind the wall.
>Being in 6th grade, think this is hilarious, but don't join in because too afraid to come that close to touching another person’s feces.
>Bathroom smells like absolute horror, janitorial staff can't find source of smell because they are idiots with the IQ of a goat.

4chan cringe

> be in library today
> studying for college final exams
> two kids sit down near me
> one is really awkward
> the other is really tall, about 6'4
> suddenly, some girls come sit near all of us
> 6'4 guy keeps glancing over, seems really nervous
> the other guy is visibly glancing over repeatedly
> they start talking louder
> the girls are just normal, sort of cute, blonde, 7/10 qts
> the two visibly get nervous, glance over, keep trying to talk louder
> girls are just chatting and studying
> suddenly, the tall guy goes,
> "So bro, what are you doing later? Heading to some parties?"

Merry Christmas

Greentext spaghetti

>Be 17
>Girl in my circle of neighborhood friends is girl I've adored for 8+ years.
>I adored her since before she was even my neighbor. My family moved just up the street from here as a miracle.
>She has no idea I feel anything for her.
>Her bf knows all too well, but is an awesome guy and knows what a beta I am, and is unthreatened by me.
>He goes off to college and breaks up with her.
>Run into him one holiday, he all but tells me to make a move.
>tfw I basically met good guy greg.
>Different neighbors come back from Camp Snoppy amusement park in the mall of america.
>Their bracelets are loose enough to slip off.

Greentext about IT guy vs boss

>My boss is an arrogant and snobbish jerk
>He grew up with staff, like nannies and a Butler
>Only things of highest quality are good enough for him
>He always acts as if he is the only competent person to solve a given problem and that’s why he often treats associated experts like idiots.
>Working as the IT-guy for his company I have first hand experience with his annoying behavior
>On several occasions he tried to tell me how to do my job but in fact he has no idea about dealing with computers
>He can not even create a new folder
>Last week I exposed him in front of the whole team, without him noticing it
>Me and a colleague were dealing with some backups when suddenly my boss showed up and asked if there was a problem

Say your prayers

>Be me, 25
>working as in-house technician in a posh hotel
>several weeks ago, an Arab sheik and his delegation (his followers, in total they were around 30 people) stayed at our hotel
>it was a big deal for us because the hotel is privately owned and guest like this are good for its reputation
>the whole place had to be redecorated so that our Arab guest would feel comfortable and at ease
>they even sent a guy over whose only job was to identify the direction to Mecca with a compass
>he marked it with an arrow in each room
>that’s because every Arab prays towards Mecca
>when they arrived they had an extra bus just for transporting all of their luggage

Working in a nightclub

jesus i just want to die right now

>work part time as waiter
>just came home from working in a nightclub for the first time
>me and 3-4 others were referenced through a website where people can be hired by companies who have a temporary shortage on staff, never even knew of this nightclub
>had to be a some weird gay club
>on top of that a rich company rented the club to have their annual december meeting, "eat upstairs, party downstairs"
>while showing us where the glasses, bottles etc. were he also showed us a box full with like 1000 condoms
>nightclub has its own brand of condoms
>"if you want to have sex, hehe" he said
>start having a bad feeling about this all
>there are a few small "rooms" where there is a dancepole, but these rooms are "cages" with prison style bars

I chose you, super glue!

>Be me
>Last week my girlfriend left me because I banged another chick
>Yes, I'm a bad person but she had been unfaithful to me before on several occasions
>There were always small feuds going on between us but this time it was too much and we finally broke up
>Anyway, my car is in a parking garage that can only be accessed with a chip card
>One morning I found out that it had been mauled, possibly by a baseball bat
>I’m positive that it was my ex who also had a chip card for the garage
>However, I don’t have any evidence so the police does not seem to care and the insurance holds back all payments
>I spent some days thinking about what I could do to get my revenge but I only could come up with the dumbest ideas

I hate my life sometimes

>be me
>home alone
>have a rash all over my arms
>parents let me stay home from school that day
>ohyes.avi
>sit on the couch
>nothing on besides this kids show call Super Why
>Oh well.
>have to put this lotion all over my arms
>smell really good
>decide to order a pizza
>delivery, because I'm lazy.
>sent. boom.
>now I wait.
>hold off using bathroom until pizza guy gets here
>10 minutes pass.

In da club

>be 22
>be at club with friends
>dancing having a good time
>crowded club
>ugliest girl in there is drunk and wants me
>keeps trying to dance with me
>doesn't leave me alone
>damnshesugly.avi
>try to get rid of her
>friends laughing at me
>scream at her: LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE U UGLY B*TCH!
>friends are dying from laughter
>be proud
>walk away
>she comes back to me in
>start trying to insult me by saying that i'm ugly

Triggered

>Be me
>Pangendered aromantic demisexual wolfkin with bark/barks/barkself pronouns
>Easily triggered
>hate malescum
>Wake up and thank feminism for providing me with this beautiful healthy body
>I check my privilege before going out, as I do every day
>Driving down the sidewalk in my motorized scooter
>Drive past privileged cis malescum
>"Hey how's it going?"
>triggered
>I lose it
>"EXCUSE ME?!"
>Rape culture was so ingrained in his inferior male mind that he didn't even think twice before raping me
>"What? I'm sorry, I--"
>By this point I'm infuriated. He didn't even bother to check his privilege before speaking.
>Cis scum police officer sees the man raping me and runs over to serve justice
>"What's going on over here?"

Female privilege does not exist

>Be me
>Single woman
>Just suffered my 30th birthday
>Go to younger cousins wedding, whole family is there
>Mom says: 'I hope cousin will let me watch her kids. I'd love having kids around the house' and throws me the look of an eroded suburban martyr.
>Dad says: 'I read having eggs frozen is a viable option for aging women'
>He catches my eye and pretends to have been talking to my brother: 'Did you know that Ricky?'
>Uncle asks me if I've gotten a boob job
>Mom answers: 'No, she just got fat'
>Everybody laughs
>My spirit shrivels
>I go to the bathroom to powder my couperose (shame makes it worse) and bump into a guy who used to crush on me way back.

My acid trip from different perspectives

>be me
>decide to drop acid for first time
>what’s supposed to happen
>nothen habbenen
>everything habbenen
>It's all good, I'll just play some skyrim
>why the hell is the ps3 broken
>damn it, just watch tv
>it is broken as well
>yo, ima order pizza
>gimme dat meatlovers
>say something smooth to qt3.14 gril on other end
>watch youtube videos while waiting
>simply amazing
>pizza guy shows up
>i'm too high for this

I am a bad friend

>story from when we were children
>be me
>be 14 years old
>best friend came over at my place
>playing computer games
>friend left his msn open in my computer and went to bathroom
>clicked remember password, so anytime I started typing his email, his password would show up automatically
>hatch evil plan
>Start showing penis to girls from school throught webcam
>None of the them say anything
>They only act distant towards my friend
>He doesnt even notice, too busy with chilhood games
>One day a girl complains to the teacher

How I got fired from my first job

>be me, 17
>started sixth form in september (yep, britfag here)
>parents tell me i should get a weekend/after school job soon now i'm in college (it's effin’ sixth form, but whatever)
>have zero motivation for this
>put it off week after week, just sit around and watch tv and promise to start looking next week
>dad tells me he'll drive me into town to ask for application forms in local shops
>no thank you
>"anon you're an adult now it's time to get a job. we can't keep buying you everything you want and all you do is sit around and watch tv. it's time you get a life"
>"can't you just be grateful i'm not out getting drunk doing drugs and knocking up some girl at a party?"
>apparently he can't just be grateful
>drives me into town and has me go to shops to get application form

Genius turned average

>be me
>be blessed with high intelligence
>157 IQ, only 3 points shy from genius
>grow up in a good home in a good white neighbourhood
>good supportive family
>alpha and outgoing
>school is easy for me
>don't have to study a minute for tests, just being in class is enough to score best
>spend all time getting fit and reading instead
>go to 1 of the best colleges in my area
>get degree in law & economics
>become successful lawyer, as good as it gets when it comes to 26 year olds in the field
>my life becomes even better
>meet qt3.14 gf in office
>smart, like-minded and level headed

Child abuse story – EMT vs. angry dad

>be emt
>get call
>go to house
>mother calls about her kid
>get there before fire department
>FD paramedic squads tied up with several car collision on nearby freeway
>make contact
>mom is acting really skittish
>stumbles around trying to tell us what's wrong
>says he fell and hurt his arm playing with other kids
>arm doesn't look great
>fore arm pretty swollen
>other bruises
>suspect abuse almost immediately
>mom looks like crap too
>tell my partner I'm gonna go to the rig and radio for sheriffs
>she stays behind

Hippy mother and her brat

>be me
>be cashier
>hippy dippy chick walks up to one aisle with her little brat
>pushes the dreads out of her face
>arm hair is miles long
>ohgodthatstench.jpg
>her kid takes some sweets and opens the packet, starts eating
>ok. fine. thinking: you can open it in store as long as you pay
>kid takes new chocolate and opens. eats. puts other one back
>repeat 3 more times
>cant leave till, got customers
>mother acts as if oblivious
>notfoolingme.jpg
>i go over and reprimand her kid

Don't put orajel on penis

Guys, orajel on penis is a really bad idea. Here's why:
>Be me
>3 hours ago
>Want to jerk off
>Need Lube
>Am circumcised, no lube = no jerk
>Have nothing
>Only this orajel Max strength
>No camera to take picture, its from google images
>Sees it says numbing agent
>Doesn't work on my damn teeth, so it shouldnt be too bad on my penis
>Pour about 1/4 the small container into my hand 
>Put orajel on penis
>Not too watery like spit, is a good texture
>Jerk for 10 minutes
>Realize I can't feel anything
>Try harder, get more lube on hand
>at 20 minute mark I give up
>Wash hands

Eggnog is the devil

ITT: Post things that have had a lasting effect on you that you cannot forget, no matter how much you try.
I'll go first.
> Be me, third grade
> Dad works for honeywell and has to go to work really early
> I still have to go to school & no mom to get me ready
> Dad talks to my soccer coach, since his son also goes to my school
> Soccer coach says my dad can drop me off in the morning and they'll make sure I get fed and get to class
> Time goes by and I am adjusting to this new schedule
> I never liked the soccer coaches s/o's cooking, often made my bowels shifty
> Rancid dumps every time
> I always eat at their house out of manners and such, don't wanna be rude

Female friend growing distant

>Have no friends first 2 years of college
>Meet girl that's exactly like me in the same situation
>She's older than me, so not gf material, like best friend material
>Decide we're going to room together for her last semester in the spring
>So happy over the summer. I don't have any real friends at home, but we text all day and play games online at night
>Played virtually every night of the summer, even on vacation
>When it got time to play Diablo at night I would sit there with her contact open on my phone waiting for the text bubble to pop up
>Couldn't wait until the semester
>Semester starts and everything is great, we spend like 100% of the time together. Walk to and from school, eat lunch, watch tv, eat dinner, Diablo, pretty much every day
>I know it sounds like relationship, but it wasn't, just neither of us had any other friends

Cringe II – Return of the cringe

Epic cringe story. I'll start
>Back in Highschool
>Rhetorical class just started
>We had to prepare a speech back home and present it in class, nothing big though
>A turd in my class walks in 5 minutes late
>Painted as a rabbit in his head
>Turns out he just came from theatre class, and didn't want to remove his makeup because he really liked it
>He hasn't prepared a speech but volunteers to make a speech anyway
>Our Teacher, miss Henriette, lets him do it just to get it over with
>Rabbit-turd walk up to the blackboard
>Screams as loud as he can "CLASS - LOOK AT ME"
>ohdeargod.jpg
>"TEACHER, LOOK AT ME"
>"Today I wan't to talk about taking a risk"

Advice from /b/

>feel the need to take a dump
>go to bathroom
>reading something on phone while waiting for it to happen
>do my business
>i feel there's a piece of sheet still on my buttcrack
>too much butt hair, that always happens
>put phone on the ground, between my feet
>grab toilet paper
>start wiping the piece off
>it came out
>bring the toilet paper to my face to see my creation
>dump leftovers roll out of toilet paper
>falls on phone screen
>ohgod.jpg
>get up toilet
>didn't even finish wiping
>start looking for something i can remove the mess with

Reggie and the goat

>be me, 21.
>be three years ago.
>on probation for being criminal mastermind.
>don't smoke weed anymore, but I go to my old pot dealers house anyway to play vidya.
>he has some dumb chick over 7/10
> he's attempting to get her drunk and bang her.
Ibeticouldtapthat.jpg
>we will call her Goat.
>after watching pot dealer try and fail at succeeding in banging her; I start to talk to her.
>she tells me she's dating some guy and living with him.
>she says I wouldn't know him.
>but I can tell she wants me.
>she kept grabbing my D, anyway.
>then her boyfriend comes to pick her up.
>we will call him Reggie.
>"hey I know Reggie!"
>used to sell him weed a few years before.
>he got really excited to see me

My first party was like in the movies

ITT: your first party experience
i'll start;
>be me
>3 years ago
>15, Sophomore in high school
>I wasn't the most popular or liked kid but I definitely wasn't some introverted autist
>Went to a football game with some friends
(Our schools football team dominated and were playing against a poor school so it was a sure-win)
>Made some firecrackers with about 3-4 grams of chronic
>Distribute them to my friends, and we eat as we walk to the game
(For those who dont know, edibles take about 30-90 minutes to take effect, so we got through security easily)
>start to watch the game and about a half hour in it hits us.
>Hard.
>Another friend of ours appears, lets call him cactusman.

Soccermom and walrus dad

So I've worked at a Best Buy for about a year now, and I have a lot of great stories, but this just happened to me recently and I gotta share.

This happened a week ago;
>middle aged woman approaches me in computer department
>real soccermom looking person
>tells me she's looking to buy a new comp
>really.gif
>say I'm happy to help her and that crap
>ask her if she's looking for anything specific
>says it needs to be able to run Minecraft
>wut
>ask her if she plays
>says no, it's for her son, he's 24
>24
>point out some laptops with dedicated graphics cards

Derpina the Kung Fu master

Hey /b/. Feeling upset and need to vent.

>last Tuesday
>talking to cute guy in class
>am tomboy and not very girly
>he’s talking about kung fu
>Mfw favourite genre
>didn’t want to embarrass myself
>stay silent
>he mentions my favourite movie
>Too embarrassed to admit it
>Bell rings
>people get up to leave
>instant remorse
>squeal out to him
>"I have that movie on DVD"
> his ears perk up
>hoping he will want to watch with me

Girlfriend lies about everything

Cheating girlfriend greentext stories and what to do about them

>I never truly felt or understood this poor bastard's song titled "My Girl" until last night
>girlfriend of 7 months
>constantly lying about stuff
>tiniest of details become gargantuan complex quantum reality entanglement DMT god level lies
>eventually snap
>i berserk yell at her for one hour straight
>i kept screaming and yelling at her to tell me where she as for the last 2 nights
>she bursts out crying and tells me she did not cheat on me but wanted to and was with "friends" until she "came to her senses"
>she said she didn't cheat
>swore on her mother's kidneys that she would rather die than do it
>i did not/do not believe her
>i snap the phone out of her hand
>go through all her crap while ignoring her pleas
>she talks to 30 guys on facebook, 5 on skype, 3 on whatsapp, and 2 on viber
>all of them are flirty

Gas stop stories – Trash digging neckbeard

This one features a trash-digging neckbeard. Like...There's gross, and then there is THIS.
>Part of my job is cleaning the roller grill and throwing away old hot dogs and the like
>Neckbeard planet comes in
>fedora, trench coat, pimples. The whole damn deal.
>As I toss the old dogs and stuff into the trash, the Neckbeard approaches
>"Why did you throw those away?! I would have taken those!"
>"Sorry sir, they were old and it's policy"
>"Well can you put on some fresh ones for me?"
>Mind you, it's like nearing 2am and at that time, I've got to shut the shop down and do my mid-shift reports
>basically, just re-booting the system and all that so its on Wednesday instead of Tuesday
>I still need to clean the grill, and we dont make the hot past 10pm
>I repeat the latter of previous sentence
>Neckbeard whines and stomps, his whole body jiggles like jello
>"But I WANTED those!"

First time fail

Here's the story of how I lost my virginity
>Recently got to college
>Had a gf for 2 years in high school, loved giving BJs but never did it in the poosnay so technically I'm still a virgin
>First week of college there's a big concert to welcome all the freshman, they get a pretty good DJ so I'm pumped
>Was going to go with a friend but he gets too drunk. Text grill and go with her instead
>Meet up there, she's drunk too
>Well ok
>5/10 ginger wanders up and asks if I'm the other girl's friend, turns out they're best buddies from high school or some crap
>I don't really listen but I figure she looks alright and I might finally get laid, so I just smile and nod
>We flirt, go inside and dance for most of the concert
>Eventually while we're grinding she sneaks her hand down my pants and starts rubbing me

Work stories from South Africa

>be me
>be working at family store
>packing shelves as usual
>huge aunty comes waddling in
>dont suspect much, lots of whales in the area
>after a while she goes to pay at till
>walks out the door
>3 frozen chickens come sliding out from under her dress
>she starts "running"
>mfw everyone keking too hard to catch her
>i walk outside and catch up to her at a medium jog
>tries to plead insanity
>warbling in native language (xhosa>South Africa)
>"Oh where am i...What happened...wasnt me"
>etc etc...

Have a few more if you want

Abused by uncle

okay /b/ i otta get this off my chest. i don't care if this gets any attention or not. i just need to say this.
i'll greentextwhat happened.
>be me 8 years old
>be at grandma's house
>My uncle who lived there (still does) was a really cool guy with a lot of games and stuff.
>Never let's me watch when he's playing those games
>But then one day, when i went to visit granny he said "hey anon, let's play games together."
>HellYeahFinally.png
>he was playing some game and i was allowed to sit on his lap(at the time he said it was because he didn't have another stool.)
>feel something hard on my butt.
>no time to worry too busy playing games.
>fast forward a year or so.

Lioness in the bedroom

also a stupid story...

>be 18
>living in dorms freshman year
>finally coming into my own
>having fun, learning to talk to girls
>going to a party on a friday night
>buddy's girlfriend's friends are all there
>couple cuties, couple fatties, and the rower chick who is... amazon woman. like 6'1", thunder thighs, meh face, but rock hard muscle everywhere, and big titties
>not my type, she's chill though
>get hammered as 18 year olds are known to do
>party is winding down
>everyone is gone except the two dudes who passed out, my buddy who is probably banging his girlfriend on the back porch, and me... and the amazon
>feeling fairly confident because i'm housed, start hitting on her
>she responds positively, might as well have given me the "come hither" finger

OkCupid fail story

My only internet date, EVER

>be 23
>be horny
>be recently single
>be totally out of options, work girls are played out, no one new in my life, no time to go meet girls because school
>settle on trying out OkCupid because why not, it was big back then
>make profile
>try to be funny
>put up some pics (stupid pics in retrospect, but seemed good at the time)
>click through some profiles, the waiting game begins
>get a couple nibbles
>no bites
>finally, cute-ish girl hits me up
>talk for a bit, she looks maybe chubby, but claims without prompting to be into things that i've been into my whole life, so maybe we'll hit it off
>get a drink with her

Don’t smoke and drive

So /b/ I need to vent a bit over what happened to me last week. Will green text
>be me
>wake up at 2am to go to work at crappy job at mcdoanlds
>just got xbox out of pawn and wanna play more black flag (I have a thing for pirate games, guilty pleasure)
>get home after 12 hour shift on minimum
>gf "anon I need you to take me to work" as soon as I get through the door.
>hasn't had a cigarette or bowl all day already a bit antsy
>"no problem let's make it quick"
>gets her to work
>soon as she gets out of car she slips on some ice and busts her knee up bad
>everything be covered in blood
>instead take her to hospital an hour and a half away because I live in middle of nowhere
>be there for hours

Night shift like a soap opera

This night was like a mini soap opera
>working night shift
>floor supervisor
>usual drunk bunch coming in to buy pies and stuff
>a 10/10 teenybopper walks in
>douchebag boyfriend soon to follow
>not sure if abercrombie or fitch?
>comes and hangs on my back
>mistakes me for her friend
>sosorry.txt
>boyfriend gives me stinkeye
>they shop around.leave
>1 hour later
>she comes in crying
>says boyfriend was dancing with another girl and i must call the police
>tell her i can’t, its not even a crime
>says i must go sort him out myself
>nothanksimbusy.mp4

4chan trap threads are evil

Damn you /b/, and damn all your 4chan trap threads, here is what happened to me:

> start lurking /b/ some years ago
> was in it for the lolz
> newfag was only here for stories
> would get really pissed at all 4chan trap threads
> ignoretraps.jpg
> one day felt really aroused
> started to look at one trap thread
> tastydick.jpg
> don't quite know how to describe it
> something about female bodies climaxing out of penises
> fapped to traps
> came buckets
> MOAR
> discovered sissy
> never sissied up but drank my juice sometimes
> all of a sudden i don't like girls anymore
> don't like boy also
> only traps

Full-retard story

>Friend calls me up, "Hey, wanna go to a party?"
>"Sure!"
>"Cool, it's a family reunion, come by my house at 1"
>Man, I don't wanna go to a reunion. Whatever, I'll go anyway
>I go to his ciggy-scented house and we play simcity for a while until his dad comes to drive us to the party
>He smokes
>So does his wife who we picked up
>They smoke in the car with the DAMN WINDOWS UP
>It's a 1-2 hour drive
>We're in nowhere, USA
>Fields of wheat far as the eye can see
>Suddenly fences
>We pull up to this ranch
>I'm pretty sure this is where the Confederates met