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Showing posts from November, 2014

Funny stories from a building site

Funny workplace stories thread

>be 23
>get job on building site as security guard
>dont even have to protect the place
>just sit in an office all night watching the cameras
>brother also works on building site
>he's a site manager
>tells me to come into work with him one morning to show me around the place
>when we arrive at work there's 5 guys standing around some guy in a fluorescent jacket
>guy is ranting about something
>go see whats up
>"are you the site manager?"
>brother just nods at him
>guy introduces himself as health and safety officer
>Starts rhyming off laundry list of health and safety violations
>stupid petty crap
>still bodies of contaminated water (puddles)

Don't trust people you met on Craiglist

>place ad in casual section
>wealthy businessman seaks mutually benifical relationships
>cash for sex basically
>get reply from 8/10 blonde
>DTF and wants to meet but lives an hour away and needs to come by train
>day before says shes broke asks for faire for the train and taxi
>thinking with the D, send her £40 (more than she asked for)
>wait at the station on the day
>no show
>pissed off
>says shes an epileptic and had a fit
>suspicious but believe her
>stops replying to my emails

Worst sex of all time

> rewind to 2009
> originally planned on starting a band with a girl
> showing her my instrumentals on Abelton
> we start drinking
> make outs
> "lemme turn off those lights"
> it's dark in here
> fingers
> "eat my poosy anon"
> eat poosy
> tastes like spoons and pennies
> insert noodle
> she finishes
> i don't
> she gets off me
> gets dressed
> "let's smoke outside"
> her face looks shocked fsr
> get cigarette
> light cigarette
> notice red fingers

A story about rape and revenge

You guys like rape revenge stories? This is true... but you can decide yourself if you believe me

>Be me
>Be 23 years old
>Friend zoned by a 9/10, Skye
>Been best friends since we were 6 years old
>Loved her since we were 15

This story starts a few months ago

>One of my old friends from school was having a going away party before he left for Canada
>Me and Skye are invited because we all graduated together
>Decide to hang out before hand and have some pre drinks together before we head in
>Having casual pre drinks with other friends who were going to a different party
>Taxi arrives >Inside the taxi together
>Always check Skye out when I can because she’s a babe, but we’ve never been more than friends

Gib monies plox

>be dating a qt3.14 for the past week
>it is surprisingly going very well
>she has a good reputation and also seems to be interested
>we have only kissed by far
so far, so good
>went out for food at a fancy restaurant
>had a great time, bill comes
>it's 60$, no biggie
>as i get out my wallet, she asks to pay half of it
>"nah, i will pay all of it, thanks though"
>"come on anon, it's the only fair thing for me to do"
>"there really isn't any problem, i can pay it"
>"but then i will feel guiltyyyyy (insert puppy eyes here)"
>oh snap, agree to let her pay half of it
>invites me for a "movie" at her house tomorrow night
>about time
and just as i thought everything was going perfect
>pretty anxious about the incoming night
>only had sex once before, didn't go so well :S

Bye bye, little butterfly

>be me
>18 years old
>senior year in high school
>single, not caring, living life and enjoying it
>meet a girl
>the most beautiful girl I have ever seen
Let's call her Vanessa
>she knows my friend, tell him to bring her around sometime
>we talk
>she's taken
>keep talking with her, she's really amazing
>she's going through a really hard time
>fast forward one month, she's single
>we become great friends
>we spend every moment with each other
>2 months later, we begin dating
>truly realize how depressed she really is when she breaks down in front of me
>I hold her, and tell her I love her
>she says if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't be around

The La Llorona legend is real

>Be me visiting family in El Salvador
>My moms family have their own acre of land
>They live in a deep wooded area. The only nearest house is a 6 mile hike and then 3 miles until you get to the small town
>First week everything is all cool
>My grandpa notice that i would stay up late and watch the stars, them skies are clear. Not like here in LA
>One night he told me to get inside or i would see "La Llorona"
In english its "The Weeping Woman" who was said to drown her children in a river and wanders around looking for her kids
I heard my mom tell me the story when i was younger but never really payed any attention. Im also not really spiritual or anything but after what happened then i just dont know anymore
>Get to bed cause it is getting late
>Couple days go by but nothing happens
>One night my grandfather wakes me up around 4 am

Hallo, Hans Gruber

>be 15
>wake up to get ready for school
>walk to the bus stop
>get on the bus
>bus seems a bit empty but okay
>arrive at school
>walk to the spot where i usually meet with my friends
>no one is there
>maybe i'm early
>maybe they're late
>whatever i'll just wait here
>after about 5 minutes
>my best friends little brother walks in
>looks at me
>we both have a look of confusion on our faces
>i ask him where everybody is
>he says all year 10's aren't supposed to be at school today
>he says i'm not supposed to be here
>he says i'm an idiot
>better call my mum to pick me up
>phone is flat

How I met the love of my life and made a big mistake

/b/ I fell in love yesterday. With the most beautiful person I ever met. Here's the story:
>Newtown station in Straya.
>Just sitting there doing nothing . Just finished class and what not went to Newtown to get some paint
>Girl, short, short grey hair, light blue eyes, pale skin and small hips walked passed by me. My god my eyes were attached to her
> My heart is racing
>I'm confident with myself I'm not beta and not Alpha but me not speaking with her made my heart beat x9000
>ends up catching the train with her. > sat on the top section of the train.
> You know that single seater in the corner? Yeah I sat there
>She sat on the other side
>we were looking at each other throughout the whole time.

Flawless victory

>Be me
>Be with gf
>Be on youtube
>She comments something about Chris Brown
>Basically says people forgive him because he's famous
>Some angry black guy replies calling her dumb and racist (even though she didn't bring race up at all)
>Whats your problem?
>Start messing with him because I assume he'll just leave
>He doesn’t
>Around the 6th or 7th time he comments back he's going berserk
>Tells me to meet him so we could fight
>Have idea
>Look at his google plus profile

Story about breaking into a house

>be me a few weeks ago
>Friday night, plan to go out with the crew
>leave some food for my pitbull before I leave
>get high
>eventually walking around the neighborhood with friends
>we all split up and head home
>on the way home, I get a sudden urge
>don't know what to do, so I sneak in to the first house I saw
>practically breaking in, idgaf
>house appears to be empty
>find bathroom
>let loose the turd of the ages
>finish up
>decide since I'm already here I can shower
>begin to take shower
>hear footsteps

How I make women avoid me

>be me >wednesday morning
>was off sick monday and tuesday
>get into work, sit down at my desk, my back to the accounts pod
>new girl in accounting, literal 9/10 with a butt like two ripe cantaloupes squeezed into a pencil skirt, gap wide enough to hold a third
>get a tap on the shoulder >it's Kirsty from accounts
>decent 7/10, athletic, tomboy-ish but engaged (ain't gonna happen, basically)
>Anon, this is Sarah, Sarah, this is IT-anon. Go to him if you have any issues
>Her eyes widen and she cracks a three-mile smile as she extends her hand for a shake. "Hi!"
>sperg-mode engaged
>her warm, inviting smile wilts slightly, but ever so ultimately
>her eyebrows perk quizzically
>Sorry, I had a, eh. Cold. I don't really wanna, you know, pass you - pass it you - PASS IT ON TO YOU. Sorry.

My aunt’s special trove

>be me >be house sitting because bad neighborhood
>aunt is married but no children >her and husband go to another town for a night
>"you can sleep in our bed"
>o-ok >watch tv in living room >nothing special, be mildly bored >suddenly hear noise
>aunt’s cat is chasing a mouse
>don't want mouse to be kill
>mouse runs into closet >chase cat away >go check and look for poor mouse
>open closet
>took a second to click
>rubber dong that was so long you could use it for home defense
>plug for your butt
>finger vibrator thing

I love you

>have a girlfriend.
>but she never makes the hurt go away like my ex did.
>That woman made every horrible thing I went through okay because it led me to her.
>She made me want to be a better man just to deserve a woman as perfect as her.
>She made it all go away.
>All the anxiety and sadness, the depression and rage, and all those grudges I've held for years.
>It all faded away and all that's left was calmness.
>Our first date was the best night of my life.
>The touch of her soft skin was the best thing I've ever felt.
>Being intimate with her was heaven.
>She's the most beautiful woman I've ever met and I'd kill to have another day of driving her car around, her lighting cigarettes for us and trying to hold hands the whole time.
>She was scared of being totally open and she showed me more of herself then she ever showed anyone else.
>I cared about her more than I have ever cared about somebody else.

Bouncer dad vs. principal

>Get bullied a lot in primary school and then high school
>Tell dad
>Dad worked as a bouncer when he was younger, claims to have worked with Dolph Lundgren back in the early 80s
>He teaches me a few basics about fighting, just in case I ever need them
>One day at school bullying moves from name calling and verbal abuse to the physical
>Fight back
>End up fracturing bully's eye socket and breaking his nose
>Principal drags me into his office and calls my parents
>Dad comes in
>Principal tells him that I assaulted another student for no reason and that they are going to suspend me
>Dad's mad
>Asks why I did it
>I sob that he hit me first and that he's always bullying me

Silbling’s love

alright /b/ros, are you ready for some wincest 4chan? then read my tale. all events are true.

>be me, 17 y/o, circa 2003, certified oxygen thief with no ambitions in life
>the parents are on date night and i'm on babysitting duty for my 14 y/o sister
>it's approximately 10pm and the doorbell rings
>it's the cops
>the 5-0 informs me my parents got into a car accident when a drunk driver crossed the median
>no survivors
>i feel sick, not sure what to do or how to process
>child services are there too to pick me and my sister up
>i go to her room, she's still sleeping
>i ask the social worker if it's possible to start things tomorrow
>social worker agrees but has to stay with us since we're minors
>bless her heart
>i spend the night in my sister's room thinking of how i'm going to tell her what happened

Scary New Orleans story

>New Orleans
>houses flooded out
>we are in high school and one of my friends had a house ruined in the storm
>we would head there as a spot to smoke weed/drink beers
>head there one night
>house still had electricity even though the whole street was deserted
>we party on 2nd floor
>very shortly after arriving I have to go piss and bathroom is downstairs
>I'm alone downstairs
>can hear my friends acting a fool upstairs
>then I hear murmuring and movement from far corner of the house downstairs
>I know all my friends were still upstairs because the bathroom I was pissing in is right below stairwell
>peek around corner
>notice theres burnt candles, bent spoons, dark smears on the wall that look like blood

I love pickles but girls don’t love me

Ok, in this greentext pickles play an important role. This happened about 8th grade

>Parents and I get invited to pool party
>Family is nice, but oldest daugheter is my age, really nice and a qt3.14
>decide I am going to try to talk to her with all of her friends
>engage alpha mode
>where the hell are they
>oh well maybe next time
>decide to go swimming
>hot day, cold water feels awesome, do some laps
>oh here they come
>all the girls come out and sit on edge of pool, dip their feet in
>I'm out
>Get out, go eat
>work up courage, decide to talk to them.
>walk behind them, sit down, listen to conversation
>"Oh yeah when I was about 12 it happened"
>"I used to drink a lot of milk so I think that's what"

Cars have airbags for a reason

>Be me, a year ago
>Drive 90 miata MX-5
>Second hand from mother, we don't know if airbag works. Mother was against it but dadbro made it happen
>Have been driving this car for years
>now on the way home from calculus midterm, pleased because it went well
>be quarter mile from home, coming up last hill
>Suddenly, wild camry appears
>camry is in my lane, going the wrong direction, pretty far away
>drivers be textin'
>I get as far out of the way to the shoulder as I can
>camry drifts even further over, no longer safe. I realize she literally can't even and start to nope, dodge back into oncoming lane to avoid
>She picks this moment to realize she's in the wrong lane, goes back
>I try to get back to mine

The cougar and the cubicle

> be me, sexually frustrated 6"1, virgin
> jack off at least twice a day but have been cold turkey for 3 days
> go on work experience in a GP ( general practitoner ) surgery
> do some receptioning, shadowing the doctor and nurse.
> last day of work experience hot receptionist at surgery,
>7/10 40 yr old woman, supposed to be my guru for the work experience
> we talk for a lot about working in a gp surgery and school, she seems very nice and open.
>conversation escalates to personal issues, she tells me how she left her partner after a 4 year relationship because he didn't want children
> she wants children real bad, I feel her sadness
> 30 mins left till work experience over
> I go to mixed staff toilet to take a piss
> goes inside the cubicle, because no urine basin
> realise I’m touching my dong
> thinking about her

Story from the Chicago 600 block gang

>be black
>be in chicago
>brother was a BD
>600 block
>had 9+ illegal guns in the house
>sold crack on the daily
>one day
>friends with guys older than me (through brother)
>they were 17-22
>friend "rico" got shot by rival gang 2 weeks ago
>chilling with bros
>one of them gets a phone call
>"word? they by the high? We finna slide through"
>"cmon anon, we bout crack these niggas"
>get in back seat of car
>we get to high school
>friend hands me a 9mm
>"bust at these niggas and snatch they sh*t when they drop"
>"who are they?"

How to approach a girl on a bus

>be me
>on public transit on way home from school
>sit upstairs on the double decker
>see bretty cute girl
>not hot but hot enough that my spaghetti starts to fall out of my pockets
>bout 7/10
>too beta to say
>looking at her
>we smile at each other
>shes one seat in front of me and on the other side of the asile
>person sitting in front of me leaves
>move seats so im sitting in seat across from hers
>she notices
>we smile at each other again
>still too beta to say hi but i really want to

Peter and the Joker

Do you wanna know how I got these scars?

> be 11 and happy
> thought I was cool and all the girls wanted me
> all the girls in class decide to rank the boys on their hotness
> me = 13/14
> #14 kid in class was the special needs kid named Peter so I was just above tard hot
> all the boys find out and make fun of me on the soccer field
> tell them to get lost and just play soccer,
> "who cares what they think dudes, lets just play"
> a few minutes later I score. I was pretty good at soccer.
> the goalie comes up from behind me while I am jumping for joy (it was receess but it might as well have been the world cup) and kicks my back
> fall to ground
> other kids jump in and start stomping on my face
> "you ugly f*ck" they screamed as they spit on me
> my face was bloodied and even more messed up
> no recess supervision to see

The price of love

>be me
>be 17
>top grades at school
>meet a cute chubby girl from another town
>we get to know each other
>introduce gf to family
>gf leaves after a while
>mom: "how can you be with THAT?"
>grandma: "she is not for you"
>ignore them and keep loving my gf
>endure crap from them for a year about my gf
>cried 2 times because of the things they said
>1 year later, tension disappears
>things start to be peaceful, im happy
>my family still hates my gf but in silence
>2 years after mom makes a present to us 2
>1 week in a hotel near a beach
>my gf suspects that my mom wants us to live together so we know each other better and we break up

Neckbeard man fighting for justice

>be me
>going to gamestop
>6 miles away
>As an athletic guy, I decide to skate there on my ripstick
>turn on favorite Jrock bands and leave
>hate going outside
>harems of girls from ages 14-19 swarm me when they see my trench coat
>3.14 miles into jog, 4 girls dressed entirely in Japanese Gothic style approach me.
>"Anon-senpai can I please touch your trench coat and stroke your beard"
>Pretend I can't hear
>They don't know
>But I know
>Continue skating to gamestop

In memory of my bro David

Yo /b/. One of my best bros died today. Here is one of my favorite stories of him.

>Be me in college and my bro David
>David is Rugby player, and a good one at that
>Built like a pickup truck, but nicest dude ever (when he's sober)
>David tends to get a bit violent when people mess with him after some drinks
>One night out at local pub knocking them back
>David just flunked test, stress-drinking to cope
>Totally wasted when some dude hitting on a girl next to us spills his drink on his lap
>It's going down
>David gets up and stares this dude down
>Dude stands up, turns out to be equally inebriated frat bro
>David tells him to watch his sh*t, and in a moment of mercy doesn't deck him
>Frat dude apparently feels disrespected.
>Kicks David in the nuts from behind

Red riding hood, my wife, and a few drinks too much

>Last friday
>Halloween night
>go to party with wife, her best friend, and one of my friends
>8/10 there in hot red riding hood costume
>she is dancing
>can't stop staring
>I start to talk to her
>We hit it off, she thinks I'm funny
>talk to wife later
>we are all completely hammered at this point
>jokingly bring up threesome
>wife agrees
>"who do you want, anon?"
>"I want red riding hood and your friend"
>she smiles and agrees, if she can have my friend an another girl at party
>walking to pub later
>my gf talks to both of my picks
>both agree

Collab – The strangest compliments you have ever received

>you look like a greek god
>you look like rocky horror
>you look like hercules
>i just wanna touch you all the time
>you look like Brendan Fraser in The Mummy
>you look like a nazi
>you look like James Dean
>you look cute like you're in a band >you could have been a great SS Officer. >you look like Seth Rogan >I'm sure I would be happy with you - continued with a "but..." >I idolize you
>You are like some sort of deity >woah your penis has a nice complexion >i have a feeling you're ridiculously attractive... >you are an eccentric dragon

How I became a grammar Nazi

So yesterday or whatever my friend asked why I'm such a grammar Nazi. And after a few hours I figured it out. It's pretty good way to start a feels thread.

>second grade
>autistic/aspergers me, trying to make friends in my class
>Emmet comes over to my desk to talk to me
>Emmet is the boss, plays sports, everyone is friends with him
>made comics with him for a while but pretty much no one really talks to me in my class
>Emmet asks if i want to see something cool
>walks me over to backpack cubbys
Cubbys have a huge wall in front of them so kids don't try to hide stuff int heir backpack or whatever, it's dark and you can walk through it without seeing stuff
>Emmet points to stitched picture on wall
>"Hey anon see that right there?"
>"Umm... yeah sure."
>"Did you know [jock's] mom made that?"

Feel love story

Something really bad happend to me /b/ I don't know what to do. I am sorry for the story being so short and choppy and fast forward like but I just wanted to get the point across without boring you.

>be me sitting in denny's one night pretty late.
>had been going to uni and really studying hard and had no time to myself
>did not get to eat out by myself much and just have a meal.
>I get served my coffee
>girl walks over to me and takes my order
>I have never been confident with other people but this person was amazing.
>I knew it from the second I saw her as clihché as it is that she was some special.
>I ordered my food and smiled.
>got a return smile back.
>sat there planning my move.
>decided to write my phone number on the recipe

Messed up real life story


Alright, /b/, who's up for some storytime? I'm gonna be awake for a bit, and I've led a pretty messed up life. I've been battling depression, and I find that a good way to kick it out is to just tell my story.

Gonna mix a drink. I've already got it ready and in greentext. Interested?
To get it all, I have to start at the VERY beginning. That sets the stage.

> early life, dad was arrested
> always heard that it was because some girls lied about him
> I was three, all I knew was that daddy was gone.
> fast forward seven years, dad get's released on my 10th birthday.
> he's different, but I still idolize him. Dad's my hero.

> Dad's been out for a few months
> he's rough, but still awesome dad.
> eating dinner one night, older bro slurps his milk

Never get between two girls

only for u bb
>Meet grill through a friend while pregaming for a party
>8/10 brunette, great bazongas, dem freckles, start trying to flirt with her
>Find out we like the same music, TV, movies, she's sarcastic and pretty smart. Talk to her for a while about Coen bros. and learn she's a big fan, bretty cool
>Eventually go to party, she asks me to hold on to her room key for her since she wasn't bringing her purse. I say yeah so she puts them in my front pocket and gives me a big QT smile
>On the way to the party keep talking to her, eventually her roommate butts in, seems weirdly happy and walks awkwardly close. I'm like what the hell
>It takes me a full 10 minutes to realize her roommate is trying to flirt with me too, I'm not used to this
>Roommate is another 8/10 and blonde, I'm already invested in original grill so I try to ignore her
>The two get passive-aggressively pissed at each other all the way until we get to the party. I…

Pizza bro - I got stabbed for a pizza

>Be me
>Be last night
>Smoking out my window
>See black silhouette running through my street into the park
>He's holding two frozen pizzas
>Seconds later, group of 6 guys run after him
>Decide to check the park
>Standing on other side of the street the park is
>See silhouette beat the crap out of groupies with frozen pizzas
>4 guys on the ground, pizzabro still in kung fu mode
>Two remaining guys take out knives
>Pizzabro stabbed in the arm
>Drops pizza
>Decide "eff it"
>Kick one of them behind the knee, he falls

Epic story about scalping Grateful Dead tickets, a German shepherd, and finding love

Oldfag here
>worked at grocery store, stole beer for friends, sold at store price, pocketed money
>did informal limo service for friends and rogue airport taxi - my dad gave me $5,000 to buy my first car, so I bought a used stretch limo, slapped a roofrack on it and undercut limo companies by 1/2
>quit grocery job, went to work at sporting goods store, got assigned to Customer Service / the Ticketmaster
>realized I could run extra ticks past limit any time I wanted using store ID
>used savings to buy 100 tickets for each Grateful Dead show, with six events over three days in the summer of 1994 - 1,800 in total
>quit job the day before graduation, first show series is that night
>all shows are three-day events on the weekend
>laid in a stock of fresh oregano, fresh catnip, and looseleaf green tea held slightly together with honey in a rolling paper - cost: maybe 10 cents each

A dating fail story

>Meet grill at a party
>6/10, probably 5'1 or 5'2, mildly annoying voice, cute freckles tho
>Talk to her for a bit, she seems alright but pretty ditsy. I figure I can put up with that
>Ask if we can go to her room (roommate was with gf) but her roommate got there first so we're outta luck
>She gives me her number, tells me to hit her up tomorrow so I do because no other options
And then it all went down the abyss
>Head to her room and it's a bunch of squeaky-voiced girls and 2 really effeminate gay dudes, feel a vague sense of impending doom
>Play drinking games for a bit, figure I'll ask her what kind of music she likes
>"Oh, I don't really listen to bands, I just like songs. I REALLY like Reliant K though! My iTunes counter says I've played Who I Am Hates Who I've Been over 500 times!"
>Over the course of 20 minutes descend down the rabbit hole of retardation

The police your friend and helper

>be me
>be last thursday
>forcefully woken up at 7 am, arrested and handcuffed by 9 cops
>apparently I've stolen 5 grand using a rental car
>never rented a car in my life
>wild ride to the police station, violating a dozen traffic laws
>locked up in a cell
>taken to a different police station for questioning after a couple of hours
>only evidence is security camera footage of a dude wearing glasses, clearly not me
>they say the glasses were a crucial lead
>taken to assistant DA who promises to have the footage examined and alibis checked by the evening since I had to be at an important meeting the next day
>taken to jail, stripped and given jail clothes
>nothing happens

Most evil revenge idea

What's the worst thing you've ever done to anyone purely out of spite /b/?

>be me 18
>been dating this Romanian chick for a while
>Visited her every now and then in three month intervals until my visa expired
>madly in love with this girl
>go back to Romania again
>find out she's been cheating on me because gypsy
>entire world is shattered
>"But anon, I need someone here, we can still be friends"
>for the past few months, ignores me completely, acting like this is just going to go away
>four months pass, am finally able to move on
>get an idea
>tell my friend about my plan, he's totally down

Nerd girl, pothead, and me

>be me, beta fag nerd
>meet new girl in school, she's cute, also nerd
>chosen to be partners
>grow close, best friends
>middle school comes
>she grows tits and butt , me still beta
>she hooks up with guy bestfriend, pothead
>slowly grow apart, by 8th grade we don't talk
>highschool, I hit gym, grow 6' 2"
>alpha, still nerd
>still love this girl
>find out she's pregnant, pothead ex friend is father
>they have an abusive relationship
>he goes to juvenile hall, she drops out, has baby
>me graduate, #12 of graduating class GPA
>alpha football player, get to go to college
>flashfoward, last month
>get friend request on fb

Why it's better to stay away from crazy people

>Be me
>Be maybe 16
>Go downtown to meet my lil asian qt3,14 friend
>There's a whole bunch of emo people there
>I was kinda into the scene at the time, but mostly cause of music
>Asian friend is actually fun, but retards are attracted to her
>See one hot un in the crowd
>I catch her checking me out every now and again, she gives me like long looks, and doesn't even break eye contact when I catch her staring
>She wants the penus
>Have ok day despite weeaboos and emos, get home
>Mystery girl has added me on facebook and sent me a message
>"you're a cutie"
>I sure am.
>Wank and plan to meet her again near asian friends house
>I get there early to hang out with asian friend

How I met my wife

>Be hanging out with friends and this random qt3.14 asian girl one friend rallied into our group from the bar
>All friends part ways
>Be walking to car and proceed to walk upstairs
>See qt3.14 having trouble walking up stairs
>Looks like hurt foot
>"Hurt your foot, anon? You can hop on my back and I can carry you up"
>qt3.14 -"Thanks! It's kind of hard using stairs with this new prosthetic foot."
>qt3.14 be cripple!
>Carry her up stairs
>Fit body and 10/10 ass
>qt3.14 -"Most people get weirded out that I have a prosthetic. I have been on this new prosthetic for a week and it takes sometime getting use to."
>Me -"Well, I still find you a turn on..."
>Both look at each other
>Her looking at me very confused

The genderqueer vampire

>be me, 17
>just broke up w/ gf cuz i dont like the poon
>figure i must be gay or something
>meet qt emo guy on vampirefreaks
>dude's into me holy crap
>dude's into weird stuff, cool
>dude's... trans. uh
>turns out dude has a vag
>tells me he would never have me touch it
>chat with him for a year
>he pays for a bus ticket for me to travel halfway across the country to see him
>do it
>he has me wearing collars, leading me around everywhere on a chain, handcuffing me to the bed
>it’s cool
>tells me he's a vampire
>iron deficiency or some thing
>dude sucks on raw meat sometimes

Cringe time

Cringe Thread!

>be me
>With friends and well always try to find cringy things to laugh about
>One day friend pulls out a fedora
>Go to mall wearing fedora and leather coat
>Go to every hot girl and ask them out
>"Hello m'lady. Would u like to a company me in a barrage at dogs on a stick?" a hot dog place at the mall.
>Get rejected by every girl and even I am cringing at everything I am saying
>go into hot topic
>See 6/10, not to bad
>Pull out my most cringe worthy line

Looking for the mall

>be around 19
>just got job as mall security guard
>get seriously baked in the morning because i'm retarded
>forget where the mall is
>stop and ask some blazed jamaican guy on the street for directions
>"ya ganja man i's show ya"
>he leads me into a dark alleyway
>he pulls out a tablet covered in duct tape
>"ya man here's where tha mall at man"
>starts watching saw and begins furiously masturbating
>i'm feeling sick but in my blazed state i start watching too
>getting really into the movie
>gets to climax of movie

Oh, this again?

>no health care
>whites are a minority
>massive debt
>can't get elected unless you believe in Bronze Age fairy tales
>slavery and mass murder of indigenous people
>kill brown children in wars for cheap oil
>play a "sport" where large black men wear armour and grab each others' genitals
>no culture
>take credit for winning both world wars when you only played a minor role
>assassinates citizens with drones
>shoots kindergardeners on a yearly basis
>average citizen owns at least 3 guns
>still uses imperial system

When a man can’t find a woman…

>3 years ago
>be me
>be 17
>kissless hugless virgin
>frequent pua forums
>learning openers
>browsing the interwebs
>see video on youtube
>things you should always carry with you to help people
>lighter or matches safety pins batteries ipod charger bottle cap remover tissues tampons bottle cap remover ...
>think of different corny scenarios all resulting in me getting laid
>decide to put those things in my backpack
>you never know

rekt by motorbike accident

>be me 15
>Dad works in South Africa
>getting motorbike lift in outskirts of Johannesburg
>guy in army fatigues, also on bike absolutely blazes past us
>he's easily going faster than 100mph
>he turns corner up ahead
>we hear crash
>when we catch up we find his bike, completely mangled and rekt
>the road barrier is almost torn in two
>we climb over into the tall grass
>after a bit of searching we find his body
>just his body, not his head
>blood everywhere

Stories from state health ensurance

>have job at state health insurance
>am responsible for check ups
>I do the state health care exams
>means someone else is paying for their health via taxes
>woman walks in and finishes her exam
>she goes up to show her insurance card
>goes through and is told she needs to pay a 2 (two) as in 1 + 1 dollar co-pay
>flips in front of all these people
>over 2 dollars

Not a pub story

>Be in college
>roommates with 5 guys, 2 of whom get a job as the guys getting the dead bodies from scene to the morgue
>couple of months later one guy moves to Australia to pick watermelons or whatnot
>roommate needs a partner – by the law there has to be two people to touch dead bodies and sign the forms for the police
>do this for 2 years

I’ve seen things..

Uncle fat and the vagus nerve

ITT:Stupid people stories

>Be med student, about 22. Sister about 20, she chimes in later.
>Hambeast uncle and his wife over at family's house for lunch
>Hambulocetus uncle calls me over from another room: "HEY ANON"
>Here's a prick who dropped out of school at 15 to smoke pot and throw rocks at car windows about to ask a medical question
>Uncle Fat: "Heres a quiz for you, whats the vagan nerve for?"
>Are you joking? Its vagus nerve, not vagan but i'll let that slide
>Me: "Lots of things, a lot of things actually why"

Drinking disaster

When what the last time you crapped your pants, /b/?

>be me, 22 yr old college student
>bit of a drinking problem >drink basically every day and in high quantities
>usual Friday night: me, a handle of vodka and /b/ and /pol/ to keep me company
>get really trashed as usual, drink half the bottle in roughly 6 hours
>I have difficulty sleeping, so I take 3 sleeping pills (unisom sleep tabs) and grind them up, swallowing the powder with another shot of liquor
>doze off on my fouton on the floor
*everything goes black for a bit*
>come to, extremely intoxicated to the point where I have to keep one eye closed to see
>I'm sitting on the toilet