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Showing posts from October, 2014

The first and last time I tried weed

Here is the story of the first time I tried weed, last night.

>friend smokes every day, addicted
>wants me to try
>I love her, can't say no
>11PM, dinner hours ago, 2 beers in me
>try a bong hit
>instantly start coughing un-controllably
>feel like my throat has been burned
>eventually gain control of myself
>ok, not doing that again
>half hour later, effects start to sink in
>we're outside, start shivering
>its not even cold
>all senses in overload, everything louder, everything brighter, emotions and feelings more intense, dizzy and nauseous

Soiled pants fail

Hey /b/ ... Story from nearly 20 years ago

>be 12 years old
>living in the dial up era
>knows absolutely nothing about sex
>return home early after school, nobody home
>lying down on my belly in front of TV
>switching between euro channels searching for animal planet
>wild boons on a beach appears
>pay attention and adjust position
>peenus friction with the couch
>WTF-IS-THAT.jpg
>feelsgoodman.gif
>continue to rub, have no idea wtf is happening

Jump scare prank backfired

> me and my wife play pranks on each other all the time.
> got two girl kids, one 6 and other 14
> even kids help us out in pranking each other.
> yesterday wife says wanted to go to park with kids and me for some good ol' family time
> "good idea" i say hiding my chuckle contemplating to hatch an evil plan for a prank
> today wife calls from office she was coming home.
> Wants me and kids to reach park.
> she'd go home to change first and then reach park.
> I don't go anywhere, wait for her to come.
> Hear her car, take my kids and hide into wardrobe
> calls me from car. I say I'm at park with kids.
> waiting for her to open wardrobe when we'd jump scare her
> she comes into room and opens her LOCKED drawer.

Why it is good to take drugs

>freshman year, got a dorm room to myself at world top 100 uni
>thought i was intelligent
>found out it quickly that it doesn't matter without the work ethic and knowledge
>physics major
>got a connection for adderall from random drug dealer on campus
>never tried before, never diagnosed with ADD
>take one at around noon
>do every single assignment that i have out of sudden insane interest and motivation
>see everything connecting
>read ahead in all of the reading to the point where i could sit on my ass for the next three weeks and still pass everything
>went from a 2.7 to a 4.0 GPA

A life lesson about the psychology of women

Hey guys I think a recent experience taught me a life lesson about the psychology of women and I wanted some thoughts on it.

>Started studying with cute asian chick from class – maybe 8.5-9/10
>I get along with her surprisingly well and like her company
>I play it cool and never initiate contact with her, I just respond when she calls or texts me
>Study sessions turn into massage/grope sessions
>She tells me she has a boyfriend and needs to have barriers cause she doesn't cheat
>Me – ahh its cool no worries

What it means to have xeroderma pigmentosum

Feels?

>be me
>have xeroderma pigmentosum
>it’s a genetic disorder
>means I can't go into the sunlight
>ever
>doing so results in massive sunburns
> feels like being lit on fire
>live expectancy for most people who have it lies somewhere in their 20s
>40s if they are very lucky

Italian restaurant of disaster

>go out on a date with gf to Italian restaurant
>get seated reasonably fast
>order food
>wait
>30 minutes in flag server asking about food
>says he'll go check on it
>another 20 minutes
>manager comes out and kneels down next to table
>explains server didn't actually put the order in
>says everything will be on the house, including dessert
>mildly frustrated at this point
>another 20 minutes go by
>server finally brings food
>sets down my stuff
>goes to set down my dates food

The day innocence died

> Be 17
> Home alone with 8/10 GF of the last year
> Making out on couch
> Stripping her off and teasin' her how she likes
> Slip pants and panties off
> Moving up her calves and higher kissing and rubbing
> Face buried between her thighs
> She's loving it
> Grabs me by the hair and hold me down
> Suddenly
> She lets out a rip-roaring fart that could strip paint off a fishing boat
> Pause..
> Frozen in time of what just happened
> Look up at her, her mouths covered, she's embarrassed, apologizing

The story of Swiper

Please hate me, I deserve it...

> Be me.
> Be 23, get a new job in R&D in a big company in Germany.
> Part of work is to test various chemicals and materials and to write reports.
> One guy who works there is mentally retarded and moves one of his hands constantly from left to right and back again.
> Swipes air.
> People call him the Swiper. His job is to clean non critical areas where he can not damage stuff.
> Swiper is a super cool guy. When someone makes fun of him he laughs along and then makes fun of them by pretending to be normal and make a dorky face.
> People like to share sweets and candy with the Swiper.
> For that reason alone almost everyone carries some sort of candy around every day.
> He enjoys it, feels accepted.

The Canadian and the girl from Mississippi

>Be me in sixth grade
>Recently moved from Toronto to McComb, Mississippi
>Haven't made many friends at school yet
>Always the laughing stock of the classroom for being Canadian
>FeelingSorry.jpg
>One Wednesday at drama class
>See a blonde qt3.14 across the hall
>Haven't seen her around before, figure what the hell, there's no harm in introducing myself
>"Hey there I don't believe we've met!" :^)
>"Hi anon, I'm Britney!" :^)
>She has the voice of a full blown Goddess
>(Containing my boners)
>Fruitful banter continues for the rest of the day
>Feel like I've made a good friend at the end of the day, feels good man
>Start to see her every week at school, talking about our lives and whatnot
>She seems really interested in me.

A tale of rain and depression

>Be me
>Have girlfriend since high school
>After graduation I worked and worked so she could go to school
>She was off having fun with friends and stuff while I labored and she was never home when I got there
>Had to make sure to regularly rotate the food to make sure she didn't get sick.
>Couldn't really afford to keep paying her fully through college
>Loans and stuff
>More and more money needed so third job comes into play
>She's still home maybe twice a week when I get there
>big break comes through in another state to work one job and make enough money to afford two houses and pay off loans and stuff >Tell her about it and she says for me to go and once she finishes school she'll join me
>Leave and we talk on phone every night
>Slowly starts to fade
>Talk maybe once a week
>communication stops
>Call her maybe three times a day with no answer
>Keep calling for two until someone odd answers and says they just got a new phone
>Chec…

My girlfriend the motivational coach

My GF and I recently started having sex. I'm not sure the best way to explain it, so I'm going to come right out and give examples of things she says while we’re doing it.

>You're doing great!
>You're technique and fundamentals are really good. (while going down on her)
>Yes! Keep going! You can do it!
>That's really good. You've reached your goal and I'm going to come (This is an EXACT quote!)
>Wow! That's good. You must have been practicing!

Why I love the movie Frozen

Story time /b/.

>be me
>be 14
>be 2007
>be a freshman in highschool
>30 minutes until school's out.
>I'm excited to go home and do god knows what
>remember I meet my friends every friday after school for "study group"
>groan because, for some reason, I don't want to be with my friends, I just want to go home.
>We meet up after school
>walk to starbucks a block away (because this is 'merica)
>hungry, so we go get Carl's Junior
>get a tray of fries and devour it
>constantly looking at the clock, thinking I'm missing something at home
>call dad to come pick me up around 4pm
>he can't
>dammit.jpg
>"hey, don't use that word."
>"sorry"
>hang up

A gift from Thailand

>be 21
>in thailand on holiday >looking for some action
>meet cute young Thai girl >ask her if she’s interested >says yes
>bring her back to hotel room
>start making out >A+ kisser
>instant boner
>reach for her vagoo
>she grabs my hand and whispers "I'm not girl, I ladyboy"
>I don’t care, just want to do it >continue with making out and undress

How I made Rocky cry

>22 in college
>Got dumped a coupe weeks before
>Still totally in love with ex like a fag, but trying to move on
>Go on prowl at meatmarket bar
>Hook up with monsterous butterface girl
>Body 9/10, face 0/10
>face so bad people called her Rocky (as in Balboa)
>whatver, will bang anyting to help move on
>Take her to my appt
>trying not to make eye contact
>Start hooking up
>Not getting hard, first time ever having this problem
>Close eyes, pretend I'm with ex
>Get hard, start getting into it
>Super hot slow banging
>In my mind having makeup sex with ex

Tommy was a weird kid

childhood story.
might make you kek.
>be me
>be around 9
>weird kid moves in across the street
>lets call him tommy
>tommy always wanted to play pretend
>never cool pretend like army or cops
>house and doctor
>every time
>go along with it cause were kids
>"anon lets play house again"
>"ok sure"
>"I’ll be britney spears and you can be christina aguilera."
>what house is this
>does this every day
>begin to argue with him that i want to be britney spears just to see what he says
>kid starts crying
>goes inside
>i go home

A 4chan trap story

ITT we talk about our trap experiences.

>be me
>watch quite a lot of transsexual pron
>find it pretty hot
>drunk one night, find one locally on plenty of fish
>start talking to her
>she asks if I want to meet up
>being drunk, totally go for it
>go to her place
>answers door, is asian, and very passable
>I’ve definitely banged uglier biological females
>get down to it
>shes giving me a BJ
>going great
>out of nowhere comes a realisation
>i'm sitting here getting a BJ from a man
>starts to sink in

My first kiss story

>be in 6th grade
>playing dodgeball
>throw ball at girl
>hits her butt
>"OWWW"
>run over
>"I'm sorry!!"
>out of instinct rub her butt to make the pain go away
>realize what I just did
>she doesn't say a word
> I don't say a word
>be friend to this day
>her name is Kimberlee
>later in middle school
>chilling under a tree
>talking about various things
>I notice she takes a long, small, cylinder

The exciting adventures of Anonita and tent-boy

>Be me
>Don't really understand masturbation
>Watching Sailor Moon
>Older bro is cookin' in kitchen
>Tuxedo Mask
>thismakesmemoist.jpeg
>Sit on hand
>Grind
>Don't understand why, just keep doing it
>Bro comes in
>I freeze
>"Hey anon, whaddya want with this chicken"
>"uh idk broccoli i guess"
>"Okay"
>He leaves
>I go back to Tuxedo Mask and grinding

Guys: read and learn

>be me
>beyond less than average
>meet 9/10 at uni
>flirt with her, she flirts back
>actually really cool, has great music taste, not psycho, no problems imminent
>ask her out on date
>she says yes
>holy crap that actually worked
>take her out
>talk and talk, it's great
>overall a pretty good date
>go on walk, still talking a lot
>"yeah anon, i havent seen my roommate in days. i dont think she's even there tonight"

Bump and an addition: Sharing buttons and new poll

PS: This goes to all participants of the poll who chose the answering option "other". I kindly ask you to leave a short comment what other social media sites you use.

Hi all!

I added a sidebar with sharing buttons. Obviously, the idea behind this step is to make it easier for visitors to share greentexts they like on various social media platforms. I also made a new poll to see on which social media sites visitors of greentexted like to share greentexts.
So far the sidebar features Reddit, Facebook, Twitter, Delicious, Digg and a Google+ button. Let me know if I should add buttons to other social media platforms as well. As always I am thankful for any kind of input you have and if you don't then you can still leave a reply and just say hi.

Have a good time!


I will never stop fapping

hey /b/ros op is wondering what was the moment when you became alpha or when you became beta?
Op goes first:
>be me 18
>Alpha fag
>gf number 11 dumped me
>themfeels.jpg
>first time being dumped
>mom dad and grandpa go out to the late night drag races
>stay home like beta fag with grandma
>grandma goes out
>finally now i get to have break up pr0nz
>hellyeah.png
>find vid
>gilf ftw
>start fapping
>buttnaked.ohyes
>so good

Nope stories – The haunted bathroom

Don't see nope stories anywhere and I wanted to share my story

>be 20 year old me
>at girlfriends house, I spend days at a time there sometimes
>she has a quite weird bathroom
>doesn't look old, and she keeps it quite clean actually
>can hear people talking and yelling at each other when you're in there sometimes but in a muffled tone, can't understand anything
>1st encounter
>be smoking weed In her bathroom
>have bathroom fan on because of weed smoke and also makes it harder to hear me smoke (not allowed to smoke in the house but I always do in the bathroom and her mom never notices)
>it's 3am
>I hear a woman and a little girl arguing
>sounds like my girlfriends mom and her little sister
>freak out cus I think they're awake and going to find out I'm smoking
>turn the bathroom fan off to hear better

I am the Lord of the flies

>Be me, Britfag
>Hate next door neighbour
>Have on going issues regarding his mental behaviour, like mowing lawns at 6.15am
>Noisily pressure washes car at 6.30am
>Right, that's it, decide to get own back
>Take dump into paper bags and hide them on his property at night
>Paper dissolves, flies come and eat my crap
>Flies love it.
>Heard him with other neighbour saying "Damn flies everywhere, can't seem to get rid of them. They get into house and keep me awake with buzzing. Driving me mad"
>Kek
>Also built a catapult for my feces. Throw dog poo on his roof. More flies.
>I think he's losing the plot.
>Keeps losing his temper, screaming about flies taking over the world, whilst swatting the air.

Skeleton lady and elephant guy

Hey guys I don't know whether I did the right thing or not but I feel bad for doing this

>Be today
>Work as a furniture delivery person
>Job a simple load up furniture drive it to peoples homes and drop it off
>Old lady calls everyday for the past 5 days asking for her couch she bought
>tell her because she lives far away we planned it for today
>normally we never deliver that far but since she paid a ton of money my boss made an exception
>Huge 7 couch piece which was like $2K + $100 for delivery
>My buddy comes with me to this place
>2hr drive In the middle of nowhere, no other house to be seen
>I get to her house which looks like straight up something from a horror movie
>I'm not even kidding
>old torn down house
>old beat up wooden gate
>ceiling falling apart

Cougars love musicians

I am so mad right now /b/ like you cant even imagine.

>be me
>19
>Chubby McChubs / builtfat / whatever the hell you fags call it
>average as what in erry other aspect
>coming back from band practice
>packing muh glorious axe
>waiting for elevator
>7/10 cougar neighbor walks up
>starts chatting me up
>brush her off cuz im too busy being pissed about my crap-tier sweep picking today
>elevator arrives
>git in
>"so are you like in a band or something"?

I failed college and became successful

Wanna share my story of how I went from the worst part of my life to the best with you fags.

>Went to school for psychology
>Failed horribly
>$60,000 in debt
>No job
>Living with parents
>My hand keeps me warm on cold winter nights
>Buddy asks if I can fix his computer
>I mess around with computers as a hobby
>"Sure man"
>Fix all the registry errors, viruses, ect,
>Gives me $20
>Didn’t know I could get paid to mess around with computers >Do more jobs for friend
>Friend tells more friends that I can fix computers
>Why not
>Different Friend gives me a hard drive to fix

What do you do in your free time?

>be last night
>camping with bros and hos last time before fall
>get a little drunk
>get a little high
>start fooling around with 8/10 girl
>she want to get back to the party for a bit
>whispers in my ear "OP You're going to be mine"
>hard.bmp
>go to car and grab some rubbers.
>huff glue and down a few more beers
>get back to cave and start making out with girl
>she pulls out my member
>asks me what the hell was wrong with my noodle
>coveredwithbugbitesfrombugplay.jpg
>explained that I get off from having bugs bite my wiener
>she's quiet for a minute and then starts crying

How to win a divorce as a man

>be me, 34, oldfag
>have wife since I was 31, didn’t want to marry in my 20’s, thought it would be smarter to build my assets FIRST, and then get married/have kids, so no financial problems along the line.
>Marriage life is no different, literally just a ring I have to wear all the time, nothing special
>one day I come home early so surprise her, she finishes work pretty early on a normal day
>hear moaning, it’s coming from my bedroom. Open door slightly to find some guy (I assume neighbor at the time, didn’t really know all my neighbours but I found out it was one of her friends) going balls deep
>they were doing doggy facing the headboard so they didn’t see me,
>it didn’t make me angry to see her cheating, kinda expect that from women nowadays. I never fully gave her my heart, or trusted her, trust no one but yourself and family. Cause the rest of the world could give less of a sh*t, my dad was a God to me, always taught me to be smart about everything, women most e…

My girlfriend cheated on me

>Be me
>Be 15
>Dating QT 3.14 mixed girl
>Parents didn't approve
>Sneak out at night to hang out with her.
>literally every Saturday I would ride my bike for 3 hours to her house.
>This went on for around 4 months
>Parents find out
>Cut off communication and sell my bike.
>I don't see her for about 2 weeks.
>Upcoming Saturday I decide to walk to her house.
>Get to usual meeting spot outside her garage for her to let me in.
>Send her a text with no reply
>Decide to knock on her window
>Before I do I realize I can see inside
AsIfYouDon'tKnowWhat'sAboutToHappen.jpg

Land whale stories – Order everything on the menu

>Work in food court.
>Sell pizzas for people looking for a snack while they're shopping.
>Pretty chill at first, then I notice some things.
>I forget I live in a 'Good neighborhood' despite being black.
>Boring area, so people eat...a LOT.
>I can always tell how much someone is going to order by how much they waddle on their way to the counter.
>See landwhale soccer mom and her three brats happy feet-ing along over.
>Man battle stations!
>"Hello, what can I get for you today?" I say in my most polite 'please tell me you're just getting a soda' voice.
>Lady orders everything on the menu except for pizza.
>This wouldn't normally be a problem, but everything else we keep in the freezer and only heat it up when ordered.

I can buy your whole family

Starting a my job bites thread, comment your worst stories. I'll start.

>Be me, 22 year old college student.
>Work at nearby one-stop shopping store part time.
>Crap pay, but it gets the job done.
>Customers are semi-alright, only a few idiots here and there.
>Store gives out gift cards and coupons for people who buy certain amounts of items.
>Incoming extreme couponers.
>Working the cash register, bored out of my mind.
>See lady with 3 carts of Tide and cereal roll to the lanes.
>She makes eye contact with me and starts on over.
>I try to run to use the restroom, but too late, she's already putting her things on my belt.
>I resign myself to my fate, and begin the ordeal.
>Give customers behind her look that says this'll be a while.

Opiates turned me into Captain Hook

>be 26
>get my bottom wisdom teeth taken out
>get a load of lortabs
>tab out every few hours and play uncharted 2
>thisisnotsobad.pdf
>6 days pass, still haven't pooped
>morning of 7th day, wake up with horrible feeling in stomache
>sit down on toilet at about 10am
>push but nothing seems to come out
>wife leaves for work at 11am
>keep trying to push but won't come out
>everything in my stomach is trying to get out but can't
>massive boulder turd is clogging up my opening
>look on google for answers and can't find anything useful
>call a doctor and they tell me I need to come in to see them, and that's absolutely not going to happen

My friends hate me now

>Be Junior year of highschool
>no real friends
>good relationship
>been about 3 years with her
>Head over heels for her
>meet these 4 guys
>after a few weeks i befriended them
>get invited into the bro circle
>they threw a big party to welcome me
>spend about 3 more years with them and my gf
>it was perfect
>suddenly everything goes bad
>gf and i start getting into big arguements
>after months and months of fighting she got fed up
>She leaves me
>moves out to live with her parents
>Beg her to come back but she just wont listen

What to do when your girlfriend caught you cheating

>Be me 26 yearsold
>Been in relationship with a wonderful girl I love deeply for more than 2 years
>Last saturday my ex girlfriend called me (we’re on good terms) and asked me to help her with her new clothes dryer
>Turns out she bought that damn thing the day before but for some reason it wasn’t delivered to her apartment door
>That idiot of a delivery guy just left it standing in front of the building
>That’s why she needed some helping hand to move it into her apartment on the third floor
>I reluctantly agreed to help her after asking my girlfriend if she would be ok with that
>Go to my ex’s place, drag that damn thing up to the third foor, tell her to have a nice day and head for the door
>Don’t make it that far

Very stupid extreme jenga idea

so i`ll share my extreme jenga story with you /b/

>2 weeks ago
>getting smashed and high with my 5 friends
>someone comes up with a new way of playing jenga
>why not....
so the rules are that the loser gets a kick to his butt from everyone number of times. The 1st round everyone kicks once, 2nd - twice etc.
>let the games begin
>first round goes quite easy, cause its just 5 hits.
>no biggie
>second is already a bit more intense
>the third is the first round i lose
>oh crap.jpg

My ex pictures revenge

>Be me
>Work as freelancing programmer
>Was in a relationship with a girl for 3 years but then had to end it
>Turned out she was a control freak
 >She constantly accused me of having affairs, checked my phone for evidence that I cheated on her, tried to get into my facebook account and did other crazy spying bs
>There was never a reason for her to be so jealous
>I always tried to show her my love and never cheated on her
>I even was on good terms with her parents
>Her dad owns a logistics company and sometimes I did work for him like optimizing the software and databases.

Shameless selfbump: Poll, comments and rating system

Hi all!
Recently, I created a poll asking whether people would like to see whole stories on the front page or continue using jump breaks. It turned out that a small majority wants to have the whole texts displayed. However, it seems like the new template I'm using is picky when it comes to html codes that are generated by blogger. When I tried to publish posts without jump breaks or after deleting the jump breaks from earlier posts it messed them up.

Cockblocked by Rick Astley

>Be me 15 beta. (Still am)
>Be drunk at a friends house party first one I've ever been to ever....
>Lying on the pavement/sidewalk at around 11pm.
>Jamming to some songs coming from the house.
>Girl comes up to me asks me what i'm doing.
>Reply, "Looking at the stars."
>She lies down next to me and we start to talk.
>The conversation leads on and we have a lot in common.

My ex made me wear her panties

>be me 16
>have been with girl in my year for 6 months
>she's popular in school, friends with everyone, improves my own credibility in school no end
>get on really well, but different tastes in nearly everything
>I make her laugh
>bjs for 6 months
>finally broach the question of sex
>she says she wants to wait even though she's been in way more relationships and banged all her partners
>finally she says, stay over after prom
>prom's a month away
>tries to be cheeky and suggests I wear her underwear to prom
>don't want to, but want to do her
>she gives me smalls, they're silky with frills like granny panties
>uncomfortable, no matter how I shift them
>wear them for prom under my suit
>takes me home afterwards

Seagull is kill

Yesterday I culled one. Not much of a story, but it might please a /b/ro who shares my violent hatred for these vermin on wings.

> Walking through a park late at night
> Not a soul in sight
> Detect faint movement by the roadside up ahead
> A lone seagull, foraging for worms I guess
> It checks me out, then just goes on with its business, eyes fixed to the ground
> With all these senile old people showering them with bread, they’ve come to think of people as walking food dispensers
> Apparently because I had no food on my person, the vermin couldn’t care less
> Keep walking along the road, approaching gull
> It still pays me no attention
> Pass it to the right

The girl I loved died

>When I was 15
>Never had a gf (Had had like 5 kisses but thats it)
>Ask a girl I know if she knew any single girls
>next day at school she introduces me to this chubby red head
>I was completely turned off
>add her on facebook we start talking
>by the end of the week I actually really really like her
>I bring her flowers to school and give her a kiss on the cheek
>everyone thinks we're so cute together
>we go on a date and she honestly looks beautiful and was the best moment of my life with her cuddled up to me in the movies
>We break up a few days later but remain really close friends

The bathroom of my dreams

I need to get this off my chest. a moment of clarity so here it is anyway.

>be me
>move into new house
>go to my room
>medium room with a huge window
>feel comfortable with it
>better than old house
>so head to my bathroom
>its big bathroom
>its got all new fittings
>bloody fantastic
>so i decided to take a dump
>so i sit on the toilet
>smooth
>a bit cold but not too much
>flush of the water sounds fantastic

A story like this can only be found on 4chan

Welp /b/, i ruined my life. In greentext of course.

>weirdo adult still lives with mommy
>said mommy leaves to get me taco bell
>go in here room
>locate her toy (shes single so it’s frequently used)
>lick the crust of juices off it
>go in her computer
>look up prons
>fap
>fap
>fapping

My parents hit me… not

>be me
>summer going into grade 8
>middle school heart throb
>justin bieber hair cut
>hungout with girls all summer
>late august at girls house with a bunch of other girls
>I’m 14, beta, dont make moves on them
>persian dad says to be home at 9
>don’t have cell phone to call and say I’m not coming home I’m chillin dad
>just don’t go home
>girls mom "are you sure your parents know youre here? its getting quiet late"

Fil me wit ur injektion

>be 16 year old in highschool
>put up a year due, so everybody in classes are a year older than me
>sit next to half japanese girl in biology class, 6/10 without makeup 8/10 with makeup
>3 months into class still too beta to make a move, low confidence from crappy past relationship with first girlfriend (might post this story later too)
>she messages me on myspace asking for my number, 2 hours into the conversation is already begging to suck my d and talking about how she has her own special technique
>have beta morals of only wanting to do those things in a relationship and tell her i won't until we're going out
>she asks me out the next day because she wants it so bad, 5 hours later we're in my room

That wasn’t a fart

This story nearly made my friend laugh to death when I told him it when we were baked

>Be 16
>Walking down the stairs at school to the gym for PE
>Friend is a step down from me so his head is at butt level
>Feel a huge fart coming on so I go to fart in his face
>He doesn’t even notice and turns his head because there's no sound, just a faucet of stool
>Make an excuse and waddle to the bathroom
>Do my best at damage control
>Luckily it didn’t breach underpants containment so I whip them off and clean up
>Throw boxers in the bin on my way out

Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf

>Checking the shelf in my lounge
>Had just finished building it
>Extremely sturdy wood, designed to hold tons of beers
>Creaking noises from one of the supports
>'Kay, don't really care.
>Yeah, cocky bastard I was
>Out of the room I go so that I can invite my mates in
>Uncle John's here, my old man is, bunch of my friends from the TAB
>Really excited as today was Grand Final day
>Supporting the Hawks so I'm confident about the win
>Hawthorn were going into the match as hot favourites

Girl with a surprise

>buddy dating qt3.14 scene chick
>frequently masturbate to her facebook pictures and the thought of her sitting on my face
>he breaks up with her and moves away
>me and her don’t really talk much
>fighting the urge to bang her brains out
>few months go by, she dating some other guy
>she texts me out of the blue about my buddy stealing her identity
>wants to know if i can help her get a hold of him
>lolyearight.tar.gz
>not throwing my buddy under the bus like that
>go out with my friends one night, drinking heavily
>get home, text her "why havent we done it yet?"

Wat

so /b/ this just happened to me today so why not have an embarrassing story thread. 

>be me in physics
>gotta take a dump so start to leave but qt3.14 stops me
>"hey anon can you fill my water bottle for me?"
>"s-s-sure thing"
>take a godlike crap that takes about 20 minutes
>get back to class, sit down next to gril
>"anon where's my water bottle?"
>ohcrap.jpg
>s-s-sorry I must've left it in the bathroom I'll go get it"