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My messed up life



>be me
>go ubermensch in high school, drop fifty pounds, start programming, learn about operating systems, program in C, write (stupid) operating system shell
>start showing signs of personality problems and a tendency to abuse drugs
>grandparents start dropping dead like flies
>prescribed Paroxetine
>severe anticholinergic delerium w/t benadryl
>terrible academic performance, still get scholarship because of very high standardized test score
>demonstrate awesome potential
>become severely addicted to drugs and dropped out of college first year, lost 10,000 dollar inheritance spending it stupidly
>move back in with parents
>gain weight back
>have had a depressing job for the past year as airport ticket clerk "wow anon you type fast"
>am clean and now have sense of shame
>never had girlfriend
>business I worked for went under
>am unemployed
>no college
>trying to get IT job because geniune passion for technology
>can't and know I can't
>secretly taking Bupropion I have stashed from a long time ago to combat crippling, literally-never-get-out-of-bed-except-to-piss depression I have now
>am running out - PANIC
>when I don't take it I start becoming psychotically depressed; need to take Risperdal I have stashed to sleep
>suprised I have all these grownup psychiatric meds lying around
>feel like im gonna suicide and its going to be really unexpected like when i had overdose (heart r8 188 m8 at rest)
>twitch when lying in supine position
>disturbing, prophetic-like dreams
>can't stop verbalizing at myself when i'm alone
>need to go back to college want to so bad oh god why


written in vim running in a VT102 terminal emulator connected to a multiplexing server
I still like computers. I can't be a clerk again.

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