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Depressing squeals and smelly dongs

>be me
>be in London for vacation
>Go clubbing with friends because we'd never been before
>Making out with inbred looking girls all over the dance floor, idgaf nobody here knows me
>Eventually settle on cute 7/10, dance with her for a while
>She asks if I want to go back to her flat, I tell my friends and we head out
>Talk on the way over, eventually I ask her age and she says 17
>Damn, I'm 22 years old
>As I'm talking to her I weigh my options and check the age of consent in England on my phone, turns out it's 16 so I'm clear
>Guess it's legal but still seems pretty sleazy
>Whatever, live the dream. Sneak down the hall so we don't wake up her parents, get back to her room and get into it, she's pretty awkward and obviously not too experienced
>Get condom and do it for a while, after a bit she asks if I wanna try her butt
>Never tried it before, figure what's the worst that could happen
>She goes and grabs some vaseline and I lube up, stick it in and she makes this depressing-sounding squeal
>I ask her if I should stop, she says she can take it so I go slow
>After 2 mins I can barely keep it up because she sounds like I'm sticking my noodle in a dying animal. Pull out and see a little blood on the condom
>Feel like absolute crap, she sees the blood and flips a tit
>Ask if I should head home, she nods and I tell her I'm really sorry. She understands, she looks like she feels bad but I can imagine the throbbing pain in her butt probably trumps guilt
>Get dressed, go home, want to fap but dong smells like poop
>Can't get smell off my member for 2 days, regret all past and present decisions that led me to this point and contemplate suduko

read another 4chan greentext about failing


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My sweet julia...

>be me
>be 21
>test lasers for a living, doing well
>recently broken up with slutbag gf after 2 years
>hell froze over idk
>gave me an excuse to workout and get in great shape
>finish work on friday
>go to dinner at my families sandwich shop in the town we live in
>20 y/o qt 3.14 julia named Julia works the front counter
>after 3 years of being too pussy to make a move and not wanting to make things awkward
>get into conversation with julia and customer about weekend plans
>customer is going to theme park
>Julia turns to me and asks me what im doing for the weekend
>spaghetti falls out of pockets
>bush did harambe
>finally after 15 seconds tell her that im gonna be hanging out at home
>julia says "come to my beach house tomorrow, ill be there with some of my family"
>had to play it cool
>prego sauce dripping from pockets already
>being alpha af say that ill come but only if its a good time
>julia smiles and promises it wi…

4chan sex

Last weekend I shamed myself /b/

This is the most shameful thing I have done

>be 22
>girl on dating website tells me she is having a party
>invites me and tells me to bring a friend
>says her friends are willing and most likely we will get laid
>call my mate (lets name him anon2)
>tell him about the girl from the dating website
>tell him she pretty much garanteed us sex
>anon2: "bout time this happens"
>rock up to party at 9 with my mate
>3 girls and 1 random guy on dining table drinking

F*cking cheaters

>be me
>16 year old 7/10
> just got out of relationship
>5/10 friend is flirting with me
>friends ex gf
>he's over her now
>flirting a bit more
>w/e we've been friends for years prolly means nothing
>hang out with her
>she gets handsy much more than usual
>decide fuck it its worth a shot
>kiss her in private
>IMMEDIATELY kisses back
>start going hard, grabbing tits, ass, rubbing through pants
>pull down her pants and puts it in
>fucks the ever living shit out of her
>makes me pinky swear I won't tell anyone
> wat? are we 5
>fine whatever
>pinky swear
>find out she was dating someone at the time
>ask her about it
>says they only date on Fridays

How do I react to this /b/ros?