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Showing posts from September, 2014

The brown line

hi /b/
I've never ever told anyone my story. browsing some archives made me remember and I seriously think that some psychic barrier just broke down and events just flooded my brain with humiliation, shame and regret.
It's time I tell you my story.

>be me
>about 14-15 y/o
>sleepover at my friends
>spend the day playing vidyagames, eating tortilla's and chips
>get ready for bed
>sleep in the same room with friend
>his parents divorced some time ago, lives with his mother
>big house, more in a rural area of town
>wake up middle of the night
>oh no them tortilla's
>have to take a dump so bad

Leaving an impression on the table

I work in a home for mentally challenged kids in new jersey.
>Be new employee
>Just finished training
>Assigned to watch the cafeteria
>Kids tard around with their food
>It's chicken nuggets with mashed potatoes and green peas
>Protocol is to serve them food withou any possibility of it being shaped into a weapon
>It’s like prison

My parents found out that I am a panty thief

>be 17yo me
>try to make lots of female friends
>it works, im always their "friend"
>you’re like a straight "gayfriend" anon
>I’m in
>get invited over when they get wasted
>rarely get laid, but i steal panties when they get hammered
>eventually have a box filled with panties
>my mom opens it, i labeled it Old halloween mementos

School locker of desire

>wa 16
>super hot 9/10 japanese/caucasian mix babe
>never locks her locker
>masturbated a few times while sniffer/savor her feet sweat from shoes, never got caught
>this Saturday, day of all horniness
>sneak in the closed high school through a window that I found out to be never locked a good while back
>wandering through the hall into the area where all the lockers are
>find her locker, try to open it, it is locked
>try to yank the locker door out of frustration
>take the novel for my french class I forgot along the way
>take a walk through the empty building to calm my noodle down >peer out the window when I was on the ground floor about to leavesquad of like 6 policemen storming to one of the rear door far back
>immediately start to run to the nearest exist, legs are wobbly, palms are sweaty
>the exist is over-watched, the policeman was a bro, didn't taze me, asked me to sit and asked me why I was in there
>"I-I was in there to get my book&qu…

Feels story – The girl I loved drowned

>two years ago
>17 y/old me, meet girl
>We shall call her Lauren
>She is amazingly beautiful, we started talking because she could hear the ozzy osbourne music from my earbuds and wanted to listen
>she asks me to hang out at her place
>i agree, we dont stay for long because it turns out her dad is an abusive prick, throws a dinner plate at her mom
>walk to a nearby pond, we talk about our life and what we want to do
>eventually i ask if she is seeing someone
>"Why is that something you want from me" >I mumble incorhently, blush, and then shut the hell up>i look up after a minute to see her blushing too.
>god damn she was so cute, i wanted to just lean in and kiss her, but i didn’t.
>i go home
>this awkward neither of us willing to say what we want continues for a few weeks
>eventually i decide to man up, drive over to her place
>knock on her door
>mom answers, i ask if Lauren was here
>"no she's been gone all day"

Tard stories – A new way to get high

>be 14
>in my 'helping out the tards' class
>tard named jacob always sits by me
>jacob thinks he’s in the army
>he tells me he’s been blown up by a claymore before, but survivred it
>hes just a kid full of stupid stories, pretty much
>one day, take jacob to art class so he can paint
>jacob always tries to sit with the 'cool kids' (he calls them that) in art class
>'cool kids' hate jacob but they play it off like they don’t so they can mess with him >I hate jacob so I act like im not paying attention to him when they do>one day they ask him if he ever gets high
>he says yes to try and fit in
>they tell him there’s a cool new way to get high
>"all you have to do is pour paint in your eyes"
>he does it
>he starts screaming and crying
>office people show up after teacher calls them down there
>he used red paint so they think he could be bleeding
>jacob gets rushed to the hospital
>he doesnt come back f…

Don’t wear bike short but be German when travelling in the Middle East

>cycling with a friend of mine through the Middle East
>wearing spandex biking shorts
>arrive at the center of a small village
>a mob starts forming
>only speak German and English
>say in English, "What's wrong? Why are you angry?
>guy who looked to be in his mid-20's says, "You are homosexual."
>by the time we hit the edge of town, there was a full riot behind us

The 4chan vs 9gag war continues…

>Walking home from a bar, sober
>I was the designated memer
>Walk into an alley for a shortcut
>Three /b/tards step in front of me
>I had my 9GAG army fedora on
>"Hey stop there, meme boy" says one /b/tard
>The other two sneer as they pull Heinz canned spaghetti out of their trench coats

Funny computer tech stories

>be me
>work in small shop that happens to be literally next to a best buy
>man comes in store asks for USB mouse,
>says his broke and needs new mouse
>sell new usb mouse to man
>comes back next day with old white/tan desktop computer from like 1992
>slams desktop and mouse down on counter, claims our mouse fried his computer
>tell man that it is unlikely
>i look at mouse, he has cut off the usb end of mouse and spliced it to the end of a serial mouse by cable color.

What happens when mom thinks you are a hacker

A story from several years ago. Since this has happened, my family and I aren't exactly on 'good terms' We will call my brother "Josh" and my sister "Ann".
>Be me, about 14
>Family had a working computer with Windows Vista
>My father left a few years back, so it was just me, my mother, my sister, and my brother.
>My brother and I got along very well. We would always play vidya together
>He wasn't the best with computers, but he also wasn't retarded
>My sister, and mother, on the other hand, were
>Constantly they would run into an issue on the computer, and would ALWAYS say "Anon, your games are viruses. Delete them all immediately"
>"No mom, it's Ann. She illegally downloads music, and is clicks ads on the websites.

Fun with toys on a Saturday evening

Hey /b/ got wasted last night. Here’s a story

>Typical student
>Staying in flats with other people
>Bit of a recluse
>ordered this a few weeks ago
>Never got to use it
>Friends went out last night, told them I had work to do
>Locked the door, put pron on and started playing with myself
>Got drunk real quick
>Had stomach problems, tried enema
>Oiled up with olive oil, slipped head in

HMS Hood vs. Bismarck

>Be me >Ensign stationed on a German destroyer that is part of standing NATO fleet in the Atlantic >Fleet consists of many ships from different nations >The ships are replaced twice a year and to avoid boredom there is some sort of exchange program going on so that part of the personnel from one nation’s ship can serve on another nation’s ship. >Be transferred to a British destroyer >Unfortunate.png >Crews of British ships are known for not welcoming Germans on their vessels >Nothing I can do about it >Order came from Admiral of the Fleet, a Portuguese >Board British destroyer and enter officer’s mess, so I can report to the first officer for duty

How to avoid technical support scams

Here’s al little story for you about how to make those technical support scammers pay. These jerks are out not only to scare you into paying them, they're also after any valuable data you have.
Do what I did last time, set up a VM with the nastiest infectious media you can find. I began by building a Windows 7 VM, changed the wallpaper to a family man's wallpaper, I then made a ton of .pdf, excel and word files that were all titled with something to do with a small business owner's financial documents.I put in the My Documents folder, because we all know people that do this are going to be retarded and go straight to there.

Funny emergency room stories – butt bottle

>Bea doctorin hospitalin german town >Currently on dutyinthe emergency room >Hardly anight goes by without some guyhobbling into ER becausesomething is stuck inhisbutt >Most of the timeit’s vegetables like carrots orcucumbers >Sometimesbulbsorsmall bottles >Record is held by a guy whohas managed to push abeerbottle(0.5l) insidehis buttsothat it wasno longer visiblefrom the outsideandhad tobe surgically removed >I assisted inthe procedure

High school fight stories - Metal head vs gangsta g

Anyone interested in some high school fight stories? This happened in my senior year of highschool

>standing in open parking lot directly next to my school, called it "the pit" where a bunch if people would just stand around and smoke and pretty much just loiter
>I'm just chillin skateboarding my favorite little curb and parking stall area after school, people are leaving all directions and standing around, normal bustle
>see metal head kid from grade below mine walk up and start talking to crazy gangsta g drug dealer
>I'm watching this interaction unfold with particular curiosity
>I realize this metal head is actually the one selling weed to gangsta
>hands g unit at least an ounce and he starts checking it out
>"thanks yo" g just walking away
>metal head grabs his shoulder, not aggressively but enough to make him slow down
>g unit just one punched metal head and knocks him flat on his butt
>nose starts gushing blood

My first party was a disaster

>be me tonight
>at a party
>first one in....ive ever been invited to
>qt3.14 from work is there
>small town
>she smiles when she sees me
>good sign right?
>we talk for a short while
>"you know anon, you're actually pretty handsome."
>she is clearly drunk. I’m just tall
>talk gets kinda heavy
>feeling confident
>it’s her false compliments and the beer
>i lean in and say
>"i would crash your booty"

New look and 700th greentext uploaded

Hi all!
Finally, the days of the original (and ugly looking) blogger template are over! I updated greentexted and gave it a fresh, clean and simple look. I hope you guys like it! Feel free to leave a comment about your thoughts regarding the makeover and the layout of the site. 
We also reached a new milestone. You can now choose between more than 700 greentexts on this site. In case you wondered: that’s more than 600 pages in MS Word…
As always, I kindly ask you to share your favorite greentexts with your friends on twitter, facebook, etc. and spread the word. Thank you for your support and have a good time!

Depressing squeals and smelly dongs

>be me
>be in London for vacation
>Go clubbing with friends because we'd never been before
>Making out with inbred looking girls all over the dance floor, idgaf nobody here knows me
>Eventually settle on cute 7/10, dance with her for a while
>She asks if I want to go back to her flat, I tell my friends and we head out
>Talk on the way over, eventually I ask her age and she says 17
>Damn, I'm 22 years old
>As I'm talking to her I weigh my options and check the age of consent in England on my phone, turns out it's 16 so I'm clear
>Guess it's legal but still seems pretty sleazy
>Whatever, live the dream. Sneak down the hall so we don't wake up her parents, get back to her room and get into it, she's pretty awkward and obviously not too experienced

Good acid trip experiences – Xray vision

>be me 25
>hit up a party at a squat
>used to eating a quarter ounce of speed in a weekend
>decide to go for broke and eat it all in one night
>buy two tabs of acid and drop those bad boys
>"hey anon do you like 2cb"
>drop 2cb and head home
>acid kicks in with patterns
>patterns get super intense, way more than I’ve experienced before
>look down at myself as I’m laid on sofa
>skin peels off, bones peel off

Brazil’s revenge for the lost world cup

>be brazillian, world cup footballer
>can't walk the streets, a month after bad loss
>people aren't mad, they just hang their heads in shame
>all teammates are sad, some lost wives, children disappointed
>brazil is depression
>world doesn't give a damn anymore, cup is over
>spend my nights in a bar, drinking away
>one night, fag reporter starts bugging me for interview
>tell him to get away
>tfw this idiot has a german accent >memories of 7-1 loss coming back >thishumuliation.jpeg
>bar is in unrest, everyone's pissed

Doing it on the beach with an Octopus

> be 21
> my parents and i joined up with their friends in hawaii to celebrate childhood friends 21st
> we used to screw around and stuff hadn't seen her in years
> decide to take her to a bar on her birthday
>i'm thinking just a few drinks or whatever then we'll go back
>we both end up getting completely wasted at the only country bar on the island
> we wander from the bar to the beach where we start making out

Don’t drug and drive

>be me
>Just bought a new (used) car
>terrible drug habit
>Drug of Choice is what do you have
>fast forward two weeks
>driving through the backroads of east bumblefukk
>I'm from kansas so there is nothing but nothing
>cutting out a couple lines of meth
>railed one

My brother’s love for Pokemon pron

Let's talk about our siblings

>Wake up
>Look around the house wondering where everyone is
>Remembers that I'm home alone while everyone is out (again)
>Daily morning routine
>Play Pokemon Y to pass the time
>Looking for my laptop to start on assignments
>Remember that my twin brother took the car
>See's his laptop in his room
>It's sleeping, leisurely open it
>Logs on to his account, wonder why he never bothers putting a password
>Notice Google Chrome is on
>Opens Google Chrome
>Tabs are nothing but e621

Group b streptococcal infection of penis

Never told this to anyone

>Go to cuba with whole extended family.
>get to hangout with a bunch of my red neck cousins.
>We go out every night in these two night clubs 30 minutes away from the hotel.
>Tequila is so cheap, we waste tons of it and get drunk like crazy.
>I spend money like I would back home but get 10 times more out of it.
>We're like the only young white people there, we don't care, we just make friends with everybody through Tequila donations.
>After first week we're like the kings of the place.
>Whole college class consisting almost of only girls arrives at hotel.
>Me and my male cousins are salivating, we invite them over to the club, the hottest ones agree
>Talk with the hotties and enjoy the night, they make me realize all the local cuban girls in the club are hookers.
>MFW I realize the obvious
>Get super drunk and dance with hotties and hookers. One of the Hotties disapproves in a jealous way, pushes prostit…

Lose your virginity and get pizza

>femanon here
>be me, be 17
>not banged for about 9/10 months
>need it
>talk to friend of friends on facebook regularly
>he's a beta weirdo but I think what the hell
>he keeps going on about how he's a virgin all the time, i cringe each time
>I one day mention that I'm pretty haven’t had anything going on for ages
>he takes this as an invitation
>Usually would have told him to get lost but seeing as playing with myself just wasn't enough for me anymore, how bad could it be?
>so he comes to my village, and I'm hanging out with my two friends (bf and gf)
>we end up going back to my place for drinks

Crazy blind date Okcupid

Literally just happened to me about 1 hour ago.
>be on okcupid, looking for womens
>constant disappointments, failed promises, etc
>finally an okay looking woman who wants to meet up
>shes black, kinda busted up face but dat butt dear lord
>talk a bit, she wants to date tonight
>put on my nice casual wear clothes, nice cologne, shower, shave, gel, the works
>text her I'll be there in about 20 min
>get to her place, the house looks a bit run down from the outside
>text her "I'm here"
>"Just come in. I'll be ready in a minute."
>...what the? "Just walk in? That's a bit strange lol"
>lights turn on, she steps out, can't really see her from the distance
>a huge shooting star shoots across the sky, must be a sign
>walk up, "Hey!"
>shes just looking at her phone
>Still on phone

I am a loser what should I do

>be me
>only 19
>gotta impress the girls
>pool party
>i couldn’t swim, but pool party
>trying out confidence
>like in all those informative /b/ threads
>there’s a girl from highschool attending
>lookin fine right?
>i should go talk to her
>drinks first
>"omg anon!"
>we hug, then talk
>it’s boring
>spending this whole convertation thinking up a line
>got it

Collab – Vampires, cats & mayonnaise

> be 22
> have crazy girlfriend that's always high on something random
> one night, we're doing laundry and she's high af
> i smoked a bit and decide to attempt to understand her level
> she opens up and confesses to me that she thinks that she's a spiritual vampire
> i'm like lol okay tell me more
> she continues to say that she thinks we're vampires and will save the world
> i'm thinking about how this can turn into sex
> i start role playing being a vampire and she totally falls for it

Imitating the Skeletor myah won’t get you laid

Story of why you shouldn't get drunk kids
>Meet 4/10 girl with pretty bad acne but dat qt blonde hair
>Smoke opium, hookah with her a few times >She seems pretty chill
>Still not attractive enough to stick it in though
>Get to a week later
>Drink too much, get autismo drunk
>She says hi, I just walk over and start grinding on her and grabbing her butt
>She rolls with it >We dance for a while and I'm standing there staring at the ceiling and flailing my arms like a retard because I'm too drunk to dance

My dog died from tick repellent

Feels thread /b/rothers
>be me, 21 yo
>had golden retriever since age 15
>the fattest ball of fluff and slob
>likes to cuddle up real close to me every time it rains
>when I come back from school or whatever, she's the first one to greet me. Always.
>when I was going through rough times, I'd just sit there with her, telling her stuff.
>I know she couldn't understand me, but all the same, it made me feel better that she was just there. Always listening, never walking away.
>I started working part time while waiting for college.
>worked long shifts, came back late, not enough time or energy to play with her.
>she didn't mind, just would come and cuddle up real close against me and fall asleep.
>when I was 19, left fot college.
>few hours away from home so every so often I'd go back.

I crapped in my stepparents’ bathtub

>be married >me and wife visit her parents >they prepared nice dinner for us, I’m having a beer >later at night we go to bed, everything is fine, life is good >wake up at 3am feeling sick >don’t want to get up, try to fall asleep again >feeling of sickness is getting stronger. >a strong urge to puke appears! >get up and run to bathroom, find toilet, empty my stomach, feel better >realize that I am very sweaty >want to take a quick shower so I take off my sleeping shirt and step into bathtub

Take back my used lingerie! – No.

>Used to manage a lingerie shop >One time I was called down to the front desk as one of my girls had a problem with a customer >The customer was trying to return a set of underwear that was clearly worn and not washed, and that was at least 2 years old (all I know is that it hadn't been in stock since I worked there, so could even be much older) >She had no receipt, and naturally the till girl had said no >"Customer" started kicking up a fuss, and I was called.
>I actually normally refund in these situations as the good customer service press/word of mouth means more financially than giving say a half refund on something me and the customer both know I shouldn't really >But in this case the fat b*tch had made my till girl cry and I wasn't playing ball

With the US military in the Philippines and what it turned me into

OK, one more copypasta. >As you know I was with the US military in the Philippines for 2 years
>But all good things must come to an end
>Get transferred to Blytheville Arkansas
>From the single mans bar of the world
>to the buckle of the bible belt
>from the land of 10,000 titty bars
>to a land of home churches on every corner.
>A couple of guys drag me into a Deja Vous
>They buy me a lap dance.
>She can't touch me. I can't touch her.
>I don't even boner. She breaks the rules and takes off her bikini bottom.

Disgusting old lady with a nice personality

>Be me >Working at retail >One morning after a nightshift, there was an elderly lady at the door >She looked pretty frail, so I ran over and grabbed it for her >The instant the door was a few inches open, her arm shot out and grabbed my wrist >I swear, she looked like a witch, wasted muscle under torn paper skin >She thanked me in a crone voice, complaining about how she couldn't walk as well as she used to or something >I helped her in to the store, but after a few steps the stench made me examine her more closely >To my horror, I saw that she was leaking from every part of her body that was not flat skin

Walk the dinosaur

>Be me
>Kissless virginfag
>Average guy, not fat
>Fapped every other day since i can remember
>Download tinder app
>Match some qt3.14
>Start chatting
>Going alright
>Ask to come over and she agrees
>Wait till parents go out
>She comes over
>Awkward at first but soon settle as i put a film on
>Start kissing

Angeles city bars offer something special

>was GI stationed in Angeles city, Philippines >Angeles city bars were kinda special >my favorite bar, called "the vampire" >it had an outside balcony
>we used to drink beer in the balcony and toss loose change into the street
>and watch the children scramble and fight for the change.
>one of my favorite girls was inside. She was not too smart
>but she could play "connect four" real well.
>she would bet the GIs - if we won, we bang her for free
>If we lost, we pay her "bar fine" (the $12.50 rate) and get nothing.
>She beat me the first time. Never beat me again
>I banged her for free about 4 times before we agreed to not play anymore
>she had to make a living, after all

First time stories – purple balls

>Be me
>Have first girlfriend ever
>FF 2 years
>hormones sweating through my body
>haven't done it because religious parents always in her home and they would not hesitate to skin or crucify me
>we do stuff in school
>have done almost everything but final stage
>Touches, escalating to HJ into BJ
>Still no sex
>even though we were on a school i go for it
>so... do you want to try?
>she suddendly seems pretty on it
>gym class, we go to the classroom
>Lock that lock
ye' that was on purpose

My messed up life

>be me
>go ubermensch in high school, drop fifty pounds, start programming, learn about operating systems, program in C, write (stupid) operating system shell
>start showing signs of personality problems and a tendency to abuse drugs
>grandparents start dropping dead like flies
>prescribed Paroxetine
>severe anticholinergic delerium w/t benadryl
>terrible academic performance, still get scholarship because of very high standardized test score
>demonstrate awesome potential
>become severely addicted to drugs and dropped out of college first year, lost 10,000 dollar inheritance spending it stupidly
>move back in with parents

4chan vs feminism – feminist fight for equality

be me, 20
>Just got out of Self Defense classes and firearm handling.
>See group of Femenists talking about how males need to lay off and let them do whatever (didn't pay attention)
>my class is right across the way from them
>Decide to go through them
>Shaming starts when I push my way through without even glancing
>Surrounded, they all start shouting/screaming at me
>Enough is enough at this point
>Push/shove everyone out of my way, go up to stage and grab microphone
>”Listen up, men will always be superior as long as you keep thinking you're inferior, until then shut the hell up!”

Mario Kart stylus in my penis

>be me
>about 5 years ago
>get new nintendo ds for christmas
>all is well
>playing pokemon, zelda, mario kart all that good stuff
>using stylus, never fingers
>home alone one day
>sitting in my boxers playing mario kart
>get boner
>look down
>so urethra
>decide to poke urethra with ds stylus

The story of Will

I want to tell you a story /b/. The story of a guy I met by chance who turned into the greatest friend. A friend I consider a hero and the best human being I've ever had the fortune to meet.

>be me
>be 18
>be 2002
>live in small-middle sized town all my life
>never a popular kid
>always had a problem with confidence
>always the shy kid at school. the anti-social freak
>spend most of my time indoors playing vidya games or watching tv
>even after high school still be a nerd
>i had a few friends. most of them just as nerdy and antisocial as i was but we were okay together
>play vidya games together. get drunk in our houses and eat pizza
>never go out
>never party
>never work
>only one of us drove. a kid from my street with greasy hair
>theres 5 of us in total
>one evening we all decide to go for a drive into the town to grab a macdonalds or whatever (bear in mind this was almost 11 years ago (yes im 29)

Hippie and machete

>be me
>muslim pal bassil (we'll call him bassil) and me on a trip
>were headed to louisiana to see some of my family
>its a road trip, i don’t have airplane money >anyway we drive
>i have a soft spot for hitch hikers
>miles and miles out of state, we come by a couple
>look like hippies, maybe they’ll smoke with us
>bassil doesn’t like these two.
>keeps whispering to me about just kicking them out
>no way, they’re cool.
>telling us about them hitch hiking and people they’ve met
>holy crap we get to be some of those people in the future
>pass by a gas station
>we stop >bassil puts his foot down
>"you two gotta get out. way too sketchy"

Seriously wtf

>few years back
>me without a job
>mostly couch surfing and living in my car
>sometimes a former friend of mine lived in my car with me
>one night, it’s the two of us
>we are smoking. It’s been hours
>why did i spend money on weed instead of getting a place to stay or gas?
>he gets a text, it’s some party
>i catch a glimpse of his responce
>"nah im at a party of my own"
>i shrug it off.
>we spend the next thirty mins or so watching comedy stuff on youtube
>cuz ya know. We’re smoking. just made sence >seats fully reclined
>we called it the cool zone

WTF camping

>be me
>10 years ago, loser virgin
>on a camping trip
>twin cousins sitting next to me on the trip
>its a boy and a girl, they are 15
>i am 16.
>girl talks to me the whole trip up we'll call her sam
>i really, really like sam >her brother we'll call him male sam doesn’t look happy at all
>i think its because he doesn’t like camping
>fast forward a day, nothing interesting happens
>me, and two cousins share the tent
>you guys know what on my mind.
>teen pecker begging for attention in my sleeping bag
>i oblige

What does it say about his beta level? It’s over 9000!

>Be me
>Be 19
>Ultimate beta at the time (still pretty beta, but way more confident that I was)
>Over at friends house for dinner/movie night
>Friends sister is 8/10
>Pic related me and her (I have since cut the stupid hair)
>her bf broke up with her
>She is talking with me about things
>my beta is falling out of my pockets
>we go outside to the porch
>everyone else is outside
>talk about relationships
>tell her I have only ever kissed 2 girls
>She compliments my tongue ring
>white knight mode, tell her I don't want to kiss her because she just broke up with her boyfriend

Ghetto trash likes buffalo wings

>be driver for popular organic / punk / expensive pizza place
>there is a Comcast building within our delivery zone
>ghetto trash people ordering all day long
>"Uhhhnn can I git sum buflo wangs, well dun?"
>"You bet, anything else today?"
>"Nah das it"
>blah blah blah we make the guy his wings
>deliver to Comcast building
>call dude’s phone
>no answer
>ask security guard for help
>too many people with same laquisha names
>call again, get answer
>"Uhhn yea?"

4chan greentext word cloud

Ever wondered about what people on 4chan write in their greentexts? This word cloud gives you an idea as it shows the 300 most common words found in several hundred greentexts on 4chan.

Eavesdropping in the bathroom

>start new job this year
>most of the girls here are 8/10
>second day I'm in the restroom on the toilet
>browsing /b/ while I take a dump
>hear door to bathroom open
>hear click clack click clack of heels on tile
>hear sound of stall door open and close next to me
>hear zipper noise and sound of clothing rustling
>silently wondering what the hell is happening
>hear piss begin to flow and hit the water
>hear soft moan
>hear unrolling of toilet paper
>hear door open again
>hear click clack click clack of high heels again
>hear stall door open and close

The girl that was a boy

Ok /b/ my mind is messed up and I can’t think straight. Normally in wouldn't take advice from /b/, but I can’t tell my friends or family and you guys are experts on this particular topic. Here's what happened.

>first college class was last Friday
>take a seat far in the back of the lecture hall
>I’m a freshman in a sophomore class and don't know anyone
>a guy sits down next to me and we get to talking
>he’s a sophomore and he seems like a total bro 
>by now class is almost started and most of the seats are taken
>then I see her 
>one of the most beautiful girls I'v ever seen starts walking up the isle
>she's looking for a seat, but whenever she goes to sit down someone would tell her it’s taken or make up an excuse.
>eventually she gets to the row i'm in

How can people be like this?

Just got my butt kicked and humiliated at a party. Have a read.
>be me have no friends
>at home playing ps3. Playing jak and daxter hd
>mum is probably my only friend. Single mother she’s young and beautiful very popular etc
>unfortunately i have no social skills and when she sends me to the shops to get milk and stuff it’s a nightmare
>I’v been in my room all day and she comes in and seems upset.
>"anon, why don’t you go out with your friends and do something. She hands me two 20s and a 10 and tells me to have fun and not to worry about curfew and then hugs me
>tfw no one to hang out with and nothing to do.
>i shower and get changed anyway into some of best clothes.
>tell mum im going out with some friends and she looks so happy.
>it’s raining quite heavy. I love the rain. So i go for a walk in the park by myself.
>it’s dear out. Skys are grey. Winds quite heavy and rain is pouring. Perfect for me
>see on the bench some girl in black dress thing with a co…

Quentin Tard-antino

>sitting in clinic this afternoon
>small family with a middle age downs tard sitting with them
>the mother starts getting pale
>asks tard to quickly go to the car to grab her medicine and some jellybeans
>tard grabs keys and runs
>time passes
>half an hour goes by
>the mum is getting super pale staff ask if she is okay
>tells staff shes "giving her brother responsibility" or something along those lines
>staff can’t do anything as she has basically refused treatment
>another 15 mins goes by and her husband offers to go find tard
>she flares up and starts raging about how he never gives her brother a chance to do something
>husband leaves anyway to find him
>by this time a full hour has passed
>the airconditioning in the building has also stopped working (this is important later)

Sperm prank on teacher

>Be me >Go to school >7th grade
>Teacher is a racist beetch
>Hate her so much
>She gets called at the principals office >I want to do something to piss her off
>Friend tells me to jerk off and finish in her purse >Brilliant.png
>Go in front of the class
>Get on knees facing the wall
>Start fapping

Working under the influence of Xanax can get you fired

>be working at frozen yogurt joint, 20 years old
>bumpkin female coworker, about 36 on shift with me
>she's supposed to show up at 6 but calls me and says she'd be 15 minutes late
>she shows up at 8pm, wearing sunglasses and carrying two purses
>I'm kinda pissed but w/e
>her sunglasses remain on as she slurs out some prevaricated response about being so late
>I ask her to take off her sunglasses
>she abides, pupils look like quarters