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Showing posts from August, 2014

Girlfriend is poking holes in condom to get pregnant

>Be me
>Be in high school. >Girl I’ve had a crush on since Gr.5 is there.
>It takes my beta self 3 years to man up
>We talk all the time, hit it off
>Shes one of those depressive, pretend to be a lesbian types
>6 Months in, start talking like were married,we get an apartment
>She wants a baby, always going on about getting one
>Doesn't care about a career or school, just baby >Things start to get more crazy >Fighting all the time, she hits me, throws things at me
>I foolishly think its not spousal abuse, and that it’ll get better

I hate working in the south

I am from the south United States and work in a locally owned grocery store in one of the most backwood places of the whole country.

>be me
>ringing groceries of backwoods retard married couple
>I am pretty fast so every time I type a price they keep asking me
>hurr "What was 1.98??"
>hurr durr "you rang that up twice!"
>Which none of this was actually happening
>They grumpily pay and leave >two hours later they come back screaming and causing a scene while i am with another customer

Cop let me go with weed

>be 16
>go to el burrito jr w/ gf and her friend
>they get food
>went to mall, ate at food court already (she only ate a small plate of salad)
>full on sbarro
>after getting food, go to local park in b/t main street and neighborhoods
>its only 12:30
>eat on top of slides
>mess around a bit
>go back to car in empty parking lot
>decide to have movie night, start off by boxing the car before we leave
>2nd bowl, gf passes bong to me
>as soon and the flame sparks the bowl, bright headlights come fast into the parking lot
>keep hitting bong, notice they stopped pointed towards us 3 ft away

Edward, shut up

>Be 3rd Grade
>Crappy Catholic Private School for a few months
>No friends (another story)
>Everyone picks on me for not believing and being from out of state.
>This one fat kid, Edward.
>Always follows me where I go.
>Says things like "We don't trust New Yorkers" "I'm gonna kill you, freak."
>Tell teacher, she doesn't think anything is wrong. Tells parents I'm fitting in fine.
>One day, I'm not gonna take it anymore.
>Out on the blacktop where people are playing basketball and 4 square.
>Edward comes up to me, as usual.
>Grab his curly hair.

I want my food, now!

>be me, 21
>working at crappy diner near my campus
>summer session, traffics not too heavy
>artist convention comes to town
>because central indiana is a major art colony, right?
>get swamped with pretentious art fags one afternoon
>woman orders food for group of 8
>several individual orders are placed and completed before hers is ready
>she comes back up to register
>don't say anything just point to sign hanging LITERALLY ABOVE MY HEAD that says YOUR TICKET WILL NOT BE CALLED IN NUMERICAL ORDER
>she mad

Hit my fiancé and now she respects me

>Be me
>Fiancé (been together 8 years) is about to start a new job
>Her anxiety problem is driving me crazy
>Tells me to do the laundry
>Do laundry, finish paying bills, and play xbox
>She comes home
>"Where's my swimsuit?"
>"Where did you last have it?"
>"I put it in the hamper"
>"Then it's probably in the dryer, I washed everything."
>"You can't put swimsuits in the dryer!!"
>"Sorry honey, my bad. I didn't know it was in there."
>Go to dryer and pull out her swimsuit
>Tell her it looks fine and apologize
>She grabs her swimsuit and screams that it's ruined

How to profit from a boss coworker relationship

>work at call center
>working late, closing out the queue on a non-busy night
>only a handful of people in the building that is normally packed with people
>get off a long call, need to get coffee
>no creamer anywhere
>go looking for creamer
>go looking in meeting room
>turn lights on, see creamer, grab it from counter in the corner
>my boss and one of the new hires are screwing on the opposite end of the room
>he's balls deep in her and they're both just staring at me
>I say something stupid like "whatever" and leave to get back to work

Skyrim stories – Fun with horse dongs

>third character is a khajit
>Really uninspired, call him "Lolkitten"
>make him a sneak thief
>work in the thieves guild
>I despise Maven Blackbriar
>decide my endgame will be to sabotage her
>burn all the hives at the meadery
>eliminate dark brotherhood
>take over thieves guild
>Steal Frost and keep him as my own
>support the stormcloaks
>No way is she going to be Jarl
>rob her house
>Once again, reach endgame point

help /b/

>be me at 18
>went on regional chat
>some girl started conversation
>we talked for about 1 hour
>she said "anon, let's meet"
>panic, never had gf, never met girl, never kissed, never talked to a girl 1 on 1
>"sorry, but all my clother are washing"
>omg what kek
>she replied "no problem anon, wear anything and come for a beer"
>after few minutes I agreed
>met her, we drinked beer, talked 2 hours
>I spaghetti, silence
>shy brain

Warrior wiener

>Third day into fresher's week at uni
>Score 3/7, going for perfect week
>Bring home girl
>It's dark and it feels wet
>very wet
>almost too wet...
>Inspect hand- definitely blood
>Assume period; draw cherokee markings on face for lulz
>inquire about period- status negatory
>realize the pain
>turn on light
>Notice I have split my banjo string (frenulum)

Pokemon black flute surprise

>i was 12 and playing pokemon platinum
>its the middle of summer and its really hot out, so im wearing only my underwear
>im climbing up Mt.Coronet
>i get an item
>it’s called the black flute
>i dont know what im supposed to use it for
>so i look it up
>one of the search results is "Blonde chick knows how to blow black ones"
>oh cool its a video tutorial
>i click it
>its pr0n
>i didnt know what that was though

I can’t see blood – especially when it comes out of my wiener

>be me, 20yo
>on my bed with gf, parents away for holiday
>watching crappy cartoon she wanted to see on my laptop
>cartoon finishes, I want to do it with her
>start banging immediately
>very hard pounding
>intense pain on member’s head
>turn on light
>that's blood
>oh crap it's me
>blood spilling copiously from frenulum
>run in bathroom, get in bathtub
>open cold water
>oh crap so much blood

My war against the homeless

>be every day
>be engineer
>be very talented with weapons design
>build smallest silencer i can for 22 pistol
>incorporate and machine an entirely new barrel
>no rifling
>no serial number
>100% illegal and untraceable
>kill the worst homeless people in my neighborhood

My little pony fight

> go to FYE with 2 year old daughter
> Daughter likes this pink my little pony
> She is carrying it around and hugging it so I buy it for her for 5 bucks
> wait in line
> hear squeaky voice behind me saying “sir” followed by *ahem*
> wtf.jpeg > turn around
> see scrawny mid 20s fedora with purple hair > ask him “can I help you?”
> he says: “why would you buy a pony for your daughter if she isn't smart enough to know which one it is?”

The story of my life

>be me
>be almost 5
>never really had parents
>went around the system for a while
>finally get picked up by some couple
>white, middle class, so thankful
>names were Paul and Jenette
>pretty lucky since most people go for the younger ones
>bring me to their house, get to stay in the basement
>get unpacked, house is huge
> was awesome, finally had a home
>weird at first but light up after seeing how many video games those two had
>gamer mecca I swear

Homeless people stories – Feels good

>military trip to Hawaii
>drunk and stumbling back to my hotel
>too drunk to find it
>Walk into an ABC store to get a water
>homeless guy outside asks if I can buy him a Peps
>Tell him I will if he can show me my hotel
>he says he knows it
>walk with him there and talk a bit
>pretty chill dude, not extreme bum like
>asks him if he wants to drink, he agrees
>walk into the ABC store by the hotel (they're every 10 feet there)
>sit on the curb outside drink rum in pepsi

I fought cancer and lost

>be 16, smoker for 2 years back then
>be at home, eating cereal with my little brother
>start feeling weird, like something was terribly wrong, immense pain in lungs and brutal couching fits, blood
>Mom takes me to doctor
>Doc looks worried, wants to MRI me
>come out clean
>ffw 3 weeks, couching and lung pain getting progressively worse by the day
>Doctor rings mom up, mom looks shocked and drops phone on floor, then bursts out crying
>Tells me to speak to doctor
>"Anon, I'm afraid I misread the MRI scan results, you have stage 2 lung cancer"

Tard stories - 12 lasses

>be 15 yo me in school
>go to class with super retard
>reeks of piss
>scruffiest guy you'll ever find
>teeth mankier than a britbongs
>says he shagged 12 lasses
>"i dun giv a fugg"
>says one is preggo >yeahsure.png >class starts
>suddenly, he starts bawling in the middle of the class

Omega, psi, chi, phi

>2am driving down on highway
>Highway is completely empty
>Decide to have some fun with new BMW
>Go 120mph, drive through on and off ramps, go around a corner hard till the BMW back is sliding
>See car lights way out in the distance heading towards me
>Drive normal again
>Pass the car
>See it do a hard U-Turn racing towards to me
>Lights go off
>Its Highway Patrol
>Pullover like a responsible driver
>Cop asks for license and regs
>Give it
>Cop comes back
>"Sir do you know why I pulled ya over"
>"Umm no"

Schizophrenia feel

>be me, 17
>pretty lonely guy, no friends
>kinda depressed, really
>used to go out in this forest every now and then to chill out whenever I felt alone
>go in, sit on a tree stump and look up at the sky
>think a bit about my life and who I really was inside, philosophy stuff
>look around, I see this beautiful girl out in the distance
>pray to god she doesn't see me
>I see her looking towards me
>she's walking towards me
>alright, keep your cool anon
>"Are you alright? You look kind of upset"
>"Oh, no no no, I'm fine."
>"What's your name?"
>"Um, anon, yours?"
>"I'm Elisabeth, friends call me Liz."


This one happened to me last night.
>be me 19
>driving home from drinking at a friends house
>just woke up from a nap so I felt pretty sober
>it had just finished raining pretty hard
>driving home, everything is fine
All of a sudden,
> lights come on behind me
>haven't been paying my car insurance for like 6 months
>still don't even have my physical license
>Lady cop comes up to me
>"is there a problem officer?"

Cool homeless guy

>Walking around Times Square with buds
>See some guy throwing out a mattress, tv, rug, armchair, among other furniture. >Ihaveanidea.jpg
>Set up a living room on the sidewalk for giggles
>Homeless guy named Stewart comes over >He comments on our "artistic statement"
>Advises us on how we can use it to panhandle
>Starts shouting at tourists and hipsters to check out our "statement on the housing crisis"
>Within half an hour, hipsters are there interviewing us about our "art collective" for some blog >mfw
>Stewart's smokin' a bowl on our sidewalk mattress

Terry owes money

>be me
>university student
>hangout after class and have drinks with prof and classmates
>take train to where I parked my car
>get to car
>see man sitting in my car going through it
>"Can't be mine..."
>get closer
>shattered glass everywhere >see man's face
>he is very messed up and is probably on some serious stuff because of the lack of concentration on things he is looking at

The story of Ricardo and the feminist

>Be me
>Working at an engineering firm
>In the big office
>On our floor are like 20 cubicles with space for 
>2 desks, charis computers etc etc
>Get paired with some bro hispanic guy called Ricardo
>2 cubicles down is some fat feminist
>Filing a cost report on some water damage in a high rise
>Ricardo walks into cubicle
>"Hey anon, come check this out"
>go with him to feminist cubicle
>No one's in there
>Her computer is unlocked
>"change her wallpaper to a swastika man she'll go loco"
>Naa man I got a better idea
>Watch my back Ric

Mom hates GTA 5

>be me >work for gamestop
>trying to sort some receipts so i dont have to do it after we close
>slow day anyway
>texting a friend in between customers
>mom comes into the store
>has the "where's the manager" haircut
>only one minivan in the parking lot, guess we found its proud owner
>shoes cost more than my car payment
>she bangs on the counter to try to get my attention
>look here lady I’m looking right at you
>literally i greeted you already
>don’t bang on the counter like your husband bangs his secretary when he's working late
>"yes ma’am how can i help you"
>"you sold my son an inappropriate game and i need to speak to a manager"
>here we go

How an arrest warrant saved us from being arrested

>be 18
>with friends in lame ass suburb, nothing to do
>friend suggests we sneak out his mom's car
>6 of us in minivan
>no licenses, no registration, nothing
>all of us are high, drive to nearby city
>mess around there
>4am now, drive back to suburbs
>speeding on highway, alternating who drives the car, some of us never drove before
>black friend is driving at alarming speed
>woop woop cops pull us over
>too high to hide all the weed

M’lady fedora vs. casual gamer girl

>be me, 20 yrs old, working gamestop
>4/10 body, 7/10 face female
>lot of really desperate guys come into gamestop tuesday through thursday mang
>like mecca for the testosterone challenged
>dude comes in at about 8:30
>5'4", actual neckbeard going, black trench coat, smells like middle school locker room
>the works basically
>hair's longer than mine by about two feet
>you get what i'm going for
>anyway this idiot decides to try to approach the counter right away
>tries to alpha up for the first time in his life
>"no body told me lightning would be doing autographs today"
>of course he goes for FFXIII references

A hambeast story

>first girlfriend, we're both 17
>2 months into relationship she tells me shes 7 months pregnant (couldnt tell, really, just thought she was a bit chubby)
>be massive beta at the time and decide to stay with her and be a dad despite being in the last year of high school (she was a dropout that never did anything but watch movies at home)
>baby boy is born, its not my spawn but i instantly love the little guy, cut the umbilical cord and all that
>our relationship deteriorates, i stick around for the kid more than her
>she moves into the house next door and constantly wants me around to make her feel like a delicate princess

America the poor

>Be expat living in US >imported my BMW
>have to pay import tax
>government is afraid of superior european cars outclassing garbage american plastic crap
>driving through new jersey
>highway patrol chases me down
>gives me the whole run down
>cuffs me and searches me and the car

Fake fencing Quasimodo

>working crappy gamestop job
>two young teens come into the shop with a girl
>she's a solid 8.5
>it's pretty obvious they're both digging her and she likes the 7/10 instead of the 3/10
>oh my god its painful
>they keep touching each other on the arm while quasimodo tries to get the courage to touch her arm
>you can do it little guy
>i mean you're all autistic but at least the girl is hottish
>average looking one decides to tell sloth from goonies to back off his woman
>girl says nothing
>"sorry quasimodo hes just protective"
>"he's not your boyfriend"

Revenge for batteltoads prank

>be me working crappy Gamestop job
>slow day, couple of neckbeards sonyggering it out in the corner
>manager (let's call him t) and I checking inventory
>phone rings
>little feget on the line’s about 11, 12 at the very oldest
> “do y’all have battletoads?”
> this is like the 3rd prank call in a week about battletoads
>t says to tell the little crotch goblin we have it for $1500 pretax
>kid agrees to the price
>holy crap bait is taken
>do the sale with a credit card over the phone
>really it’s just he reads off his mom’s card number and I type random characters
>tell the kid it went through and to come and get it

A spaghetti greentext

>hey /b/, ready for a spaghetti greentext that will make you cringe?
>Be 18 or 19
>Kissless, touchless, absolutely awkward virgin beta
>Be working at this department store for about year or so
>Somehow land a management role
>We get some new hires
>One of them is a 6/10 grill who looks kind of like Paula Dean (that wide eyed expression all the time)
>Introduce my self to her because I'm supposed to be respectful like that I guess
>"Hey, I'm anon. If you have any questions feel free to ask me, I know the training here kind of sucks"
>She giggles
>Proceeds to ask me all these questions about my life
>"Do you go to school?" "What do you do in your free time?" "What sort of things are you into" etc.
>Start freaking out because I've never had a girl interested in me like this before

Skyrim stories – Gold, cut off heads, and blood

>Second Skyrim character is an imperial
>Decide to do a bit of role-play in this one
>make him out to be a pimp
>name him Mr. Slick Baby
>try make him handsome
>mess up his nose
>decide to keep it and say it is due to his cocaine addiction
>Concentrate a lot on boosting his speech
>Get real deep into the thieves guild
>marry and then murder every woman I can find
>Since Imperials naturally find more gold, and he steals a lot for the thieves guild, and because he has good speech when selling, get a metric ton of money
>My weapon of choice is duel wielded katanas

Pro tip: Hide body in a safe

>Be me 20 something
>Dealer owes us money, doesn't pay us back
>Drive to his place
>Bash head in with masterlock tied in a sock
>Put him in a safe in the trunk
>Driving towards the desert where no one goes
>Blue lights
>"Is there a problem officer"
>"You were going 20mph in a 60"
>Not possible

I am the master of cop DUI tests

>piss drunk after bar
>drive home with friend
>like 2 blocks away
>car going the other direction
>only other car on road
>does a u turn
>lights blast in my rear view
>calmly pull over
>"you know why I pulled...your car smells like alcohol"
>bro next to me chimes in
>"oh that's me, he picked me up from my place and we were going to his"
>cop shining lights in my eyes
>"state the alphabet backwards, do not sing it, say it"

Planned online suicide but chickened out

>be me
>be 20
>super depressed because I've always had an unexplainable, very strong sense of self loathing
>wished I was dead all the time
>want to kill myself, but don't have the balls
>start talking to other depressed people online about this
>meet and befriend a girl and two dudes
>skyping with them daily
>we get group chats going on every weekend
>girl mentions wanting to kill herself, but not being brave enough
>I tell her that's exactly how I feel
>the guys get on board with her and one of them suggests we should all kill ourselves together

Twilight Sparkle loves bronies who cosplay as Ace

I used to work at a shop for betas. We sold all kinds of beta crap anime wigs, trench coats, fedoras, fingerless gloves, etc

>at work
>regular known as "CJ" comes in he isn't too cringe worthy but he does have paw print shoes....
>he chill and talk for a bit
>keep seeing a guy in a scooter going by every few minutes
>after the fifth time we see him enter
>he's a good 350+lb guy and he has a trench coat on and behind him tied on his rascal is a twilight sparkle doll

Skyrim stories – Yashnarz the Defiler

>I have an endgame whenever I play skyrim
>means that once I've done everything I have a plan to finish that character
>My first character is an orc called Yashnarz the Defiler
>heavy armour, two handed weapons, health tank
>throughout the game I boosted my pickpocketing
>Eventually I've run out of things to do
>Quests done, heavy armour 100, smithing 100, two handed 100, pickpocketing 100
>It's endgame time
>Go to Whiterun
>enable kill essential NPCs and children mods
>use mod to get rid of clothes
>use my lvl 100 pickpocket skills to steal everyone's clothes except the jarl
>take off all clothes except my daedric gloves (smithed to perfection)
>Fist of steel skill means my punches will 1 hit kill anyone without armour
>crouch so my punches are at butt level

King hit bandit

>be me
>hanging out with some friends
>friend has invited two girls he is friends with
>both tumblr freaks
>one is a raging feminist
>one is a landwhale
>both are annoying as hell
>speak as if they are still on tumblr
>mate is a ballet dancer
>supposed to be coordinated
>trips on his own shoelace
>I say something lame and not funny like "good to see all those years of ballet have made you graceful"
>tumblrs laugh like I've made the greatest joke ever
>feminist says "oh em gee (pronounces the letters) that would be a good meme"
>land whale continues with "omg (pronounces phonetically) I'm dying plus 1 internets to you"

My bully became successful

>be me 15
>new school, private
>had to go there because there was too much trouble going on in old school
>dad decides to pay, not rich but whatever only 2 years left in school
>school full of richfags and retards
>literally everyone in the school throwing snarky remarks my direction
>not really bothered, I was pretty buff
>called me lowlife, rat, yadda yadda
>mainly girls
>one girl, let's call her sarah
>queen of the beeches, calling me names every day
>teacher's pet, feminist, straight A student
>all girls sit in the front and talk about their crap in class
>i turn to my friend and talk about WoW and obese landwhale science teacher SCREAMS

Shot a friend or member of the royal family in Saudi Arabia

>Be me >Was living in Saudi Arabia >Me and another white Euro type were out at a wadi when a couple of 'locals' came by in a car. >They had a gun, which I'd never seen in this country (except during Ramadan when the mutawa carried them, and cops carrying these POS 38's) >They were probably going to target shoot. >Started mocking my friend. >He's sort of effeminate. >One holding the gun was obviously not a 'gun guy' and I noticed it was not chambered. >Other guy was grabbing my friend, getting more aggressive, so I ran to the gun holder and punched him in the face.

Jesus hates masturbation

>staying at grand-parents house in Romania
>get food poisoning
>mind is completely messed up >i'm borderline hallucinating
>grandparents are orthodox christians
>picture of jesus in every room
>wake up with boner
>start to fap looking at nothing
>eyes drawn slowly to picture of jesus on the wall
>picture looks really judging >looks like he's disappointed in me

I killed the guy who raped my girlfriend

And I savored every second of his death.

>Be me
>Be with girlfriend at random friends house for vacation
>A bunch of random guys and chics there and some of my friends
>Be chilling with a particular guy
>Really cool dude we getting stoned together, laughing, having a good time >Girlfriend never with us
>After a couple days ask what's going on
>crappy excuses
>next day ask again
>gf bursts into tears
>guy tried to rape me 4 years ago
>never told anyone
>please anon dont tell anyone
>after 2 days i have devised my plan

My school life sucks

>be me
>sugary cereal erryday
>hyperactive all the time
>first week in class
>sit next to half-autist JJ
>drawing with colored pencils
>teach tells us to stop
>JJ keeps drawing
>choke him out
>he passes out
>everyone staring

Working at TJ Maxx – Acknowledge my child or lose your bad paid job

Don't ever, for any reason work for TJ Maxx. Terrible company. They pay minimum wage for you to do everything in that store from unloading trucks to loading furniture into customer's vehicles to mopping floors, to running register. And some of the customers were downright miserable. They actually offered employees insurance for their pets, but never mentioned insurance for the actual employees. It was like a sick joke.

My wife is crazy

>9/10 qt3.14
>100/.01 crazy
>get her preggers after joining navy for science and completing schooling
>steady job
>fanTASTIC pay
>great benefits
>she suddenly starts accusing me of banging a girl I know 16 years ago and that lived on the other side of the US
>like I'm mailing my peenus to her
>she starts beating the absolute hell out of her self with a marble pestle
>after calming her down
>she starts freaking out about the kid
>its okay, we can get through this
>she doesn't not want the kid, she just doesn't want me to HAVE a kid

What not to do if you want to get laid

beta here. here's my day
>randomly get this huge confidence boost
>text this girl I've been crushing on for years to come over and hang out
>she says yes
>suddenly realize i have no idea what we're going to do
>make a big plan of how the night will go, when I'll make my move, etc
>she shows up
>holy crap what do I do
>we go straight into my room
>realize this wasn't the plan at all
>"so what do you want to do? watch a movie?"
>open up my laptop to choose a movie that I've downloaded
>pr0nz everywhere
>shut my laptop entirely, after i took the time to close the windows
>"lets just watch netflix"

Monster horse

>Walking along the highway out of town in the middle of the night.
>No street lights (rural area), but it was a full moon so plenty of visibility.
>No reason to be concerned
>Get about a mile out of town, about halfway to the farming area I was walking to.
>Super aroused, made up my mind to screw a mare.
>Head down a side road, where I knew an old couple owned a stable with no security.
>Stands of trees along the side of the road, some tall enough to block out the moon.
>Suddenly, starts to rain. Pouring.
>Everything goes black. Looking up, can't even see the sky.
>Total darkness. Can't hear anything except the rain.
>Keep carefully picking my way along the road, using my feet to feel where the concrete ends.

Robbery story – stupid robber vs. bulletproof glass

>Work at gas station outside NY
>Has bulletproof glass around booth and a slot to pay after some guys robbed it a few years back
>No one is in the store but me
>Dude walks up and grabs a bag of ranch doritos off the shelf and walks up to the stand
>"That'll be 2.50"
>*Slides a note under the counter*
>Oh boy oh boy
>Literally misspelled robbery.
>It reads "This is a roberry slide your money under the till"
>"Sir this is bulletproof glass. I have just pressed the alarm and the cops are on the way."
>Gets pissed and throws his hands down and paces a circle twice

Old people are cool

>work for Walmart >be checking out land-hippo wellfare queen
>has three-foot-tall hair, the waistline of a small lake, and enough half-naked, crying, screaming kids to make Harlem look like Beverly Hills
>ringing up a ton of frozen dinners, cookies, and just overall crap food
>she is constantly beating and screaming at her kids
>caries a baby in nothing but a diaper on her hip
>suddenly goes quiet and smells baby
"uh oh "
>she sets her baby on the conveyer belt near her groceries and undoes her baby's diaper

Mistaken for a thief

>be me, 18 years old, exchange student in the US
>go for a walk in a small town in the northwest
>randomly stroll through one street
>notice neighbours suspiciously stirring at me from behind the curtains
>don't bothert, sit on a bench
>suddenly, a wild police car running full speed stops in front of me with a 180° drift
>mouth open in astonishement
>big mustache faggot cop comes out
>"morning Sir, would you mind stand up?"
>Me: "What's the problem, officer?"
>Get instantly handcuffed

Time travel story

>be me
>wake up one morning with really fuzzy memory
>go to school
>start of second semester
>transfer student comes in
>10/10 hottie
>in like 3 of my classes
>we hit it off
>start dating
>go to prom
>fall in love
>her favorite color was green
>favorite flowers were lillies
>loved Shakespeare even though I hated him
>always stick together
>get a job right out of high school

Should I an hero 4chan?

be me.
>dad in prison.
>grow up without dad.
>mom has rotating BFs.
>get older.
>find out dad sold cocaine
>mom stripper.
dad beat and raped mom for turning him into the police when he wouldn't clean up to become a dad.

time goes...

be me
>so many edges
>be unsustainably poor
>harass mom constantly because i'm a fag and i'm edgy and starving

Life like an action movie

>be me
>7yo, look a bit like a girl
>walk in to buy some bubble gum
>get to cashier
>nice guy at the cashier, looked like a biker so I was scared at first
>bionicle tattoo
>"wow thats so cool"
>conversation about bionicles for 5 minutes because nobody else was in line
>pay for gum
>on my way out of the store, 3 guys that look like high school students, maybe grade 11 step in front of me
>nobody is noticing
>two of them grab me by an arm
>other one walks behind me and starts kicking the back of my legs

4chan hates everything

>be me
>bigendered omnisexual fem-presenting fat-positive catkin
>on my way to work
>decide I want some starbucks
>go inside the shop
>go up to counter, cisgendered scum standing there
>"Good morning ma'am! What can I get you today?"
>I lose it
>drive my mobility scooter behind the counter
>kick him in the balls for raping me like that, in front of everyone
>he doesn't know my gender identity or my special snowflake status
>wheel my scooter around, expecting cheers of adoration and joy from the other rape victims here
>they're looking at me in horror

So thirsty

>just finished my job as a delivery driver
>proceed to a town center to have some dinner
>decide on some chinese food
>nice evening so I thought I would sit outside
>eating my meal
>hear someone shouting
>look up from my meal and see a guy booking it out of an Albertson's
>two bottles of I kid you not Alize in each hand
>now in this town the sheriff's office is one minute down the street.
>as he is making his way across the parking lot cop pulls in.

Wieners and boogers

>be me, about 9
>go to play in the school baseball league
>see a kid i know
>me and him talk for a bit
>agree he has to sleep over
>ask my mom
>she is okay with it
>starts getting late
>playing N64 >Zelda >some boxing game
>score card girls come out
>press our wieners against the warm screen when they come out

How to make friends at work

>be me
>work in an office
>my "neighbour" is an idiot
>one boring day
>suddenly he 90° turns to me and says
>"uh...i was just thinking if...uhm...if we were in an universe where each of us have 5 clones, could you be able to recognize the real me? And could i be able to recognize myself?
>"err...i dont know man..."
>"it would be really difficult right?"
>"yes but...what do you want to say?"
>" you know, my fart smell is different from yours, and so on with others. So, if i fart in a bottle and then i make it my clones do it too, i should be able to recognize mine, right?"

Funny hospital stories

>been a surg tech for 6 years
>2 years at a gun and knife club (lvl1 trauma)
>I've seen it all, from swamps of dagobah to "not why, but HOW did you get that in there?"
>enough stories for a book

>mid 20's guy with foreign body bladder
>we pulled 10-15 .22lr out of his penis

>another late 20's guy, foreign body bladder
>bracelet stuck in urethra
>not female "tennis" bracelet, ginormous mans bracelet at least 1/4'' wide

>autistic teen, foreign body vagina
>small asprin bottle with condom stuck in vagina
>been there 4 days
>if I could bottle that smell, it could be used for chemical warfare.