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Showing posts from July, 2014

My girlfriend loves her dog more than me

>Be me
>17 year old junior
>gf is 16 year old sophomore
>pretty cool chick, video games, watched the same tv shows, etc
>solid 8/10
>date for a year beforehand, beginning of my sophomore
>one day at her house, parents took her 8 year old brother for ice cream and karate practice
>cool parents. kinda knew we did stuff, but never really cared so long as i used protection
>she was on the pill so being the stupid teen i sometimes gambled
>no this isnt a preggo story
>anyway. be alone in her house, watching the notebook or something that she wanted to watch for a long time
>playing league on her laptop at the time
>suddenly, just as im about to get a kill, it shuts.
>look up super pissed
>shes without clothes
>"hey anon... i have something to tell you."

Caught fapping in shower

>have friend over
>decide to take shower, whatever
>before i shower fap to pretty chicks on ipod like i usually do
>get in the shower
>showering great like a boss
>friend comes in and dumps water on me over the shower
>i scream because it’s cold as hell >he put ice in it
>he kind of laughs and goes to leave

Semi-formal invitation and a flower

>wrestler since age 5
>love the sport, continue to wrestle today (currently 19)
>sophomore in HS
>female wrestlers have to merge practice with us because there were only like 3 of them
>in the 138/145 weight class (middle weights)
>get paired with the female wrestlers all the time because all of our lower weights were pretty retarded when it came to wrestling chicks
>theres this one chick, pretty cute, for a female wrestler.
>dominate her on the daily, slamming her into the mat, whoopin that ass.
>i literally would give her nosebleeds on the daily.
>shes always all over me at matches
>talking to me, touching me, flirting with me
>have barely any time to talk, between sleeping, eating, wrestling, coaching my teammates when coach had his hands full, and making sure the morons on my team dont do anything stupid
>unbeknownst to me, she would follow me around practically everywhere, just watching me do whatever.
>off-season comes around

Improve customer service by impersonating your boss

>be 'jack of all trades' of a small company
>basically the IT guy, janitor, coffee guy, research and development, etc.
>on a friday, most people are working on another location, including the boss
>have minor experience in customer service.
>company phone goes off after few hours of work.
>get a woman with a speech impediment, says she demands a refund on a certain product.
>"i'll look into it, could you give me your full name and order number, madam?"
>she sounds utterly surprised that I don't know out of my head which product she ordered, or what was wrong with it.
>it takes me 15 minutes to find her order >whole time I have to listen to her insults and slurred speech

Asian cutie with a neckbeard

>be me
>on a Pokemon forum
>meet this chick, connected pretty good >start to pm her >have many shared interests >we added eachother on MSN and continue talking
>showed me pictures of her, 8/10 azn >lucky.png >show her picture of me >she likes
>plan to meet up in Berlin, only lived 2 hours away from eachother
>finally meet up >I am super excited
>waiting, can't see her nowhere

How to start a zombie apocalypse

>Go camping
>Come home and find poison ivy on upper left arm
>Happens every time
>Pay no attention
>Wake up at 4 AM
>Poison ivy itches like hell
>Scratch the sh*t out of it
>Immidiately swells up
>Wake up
>Poison ivy is now a 4x4 inch rash

Fake girl

>be 18 year old me
>playing world of warcraft
>get bored with the regular stuff and decide to try out a RP server
>level a bit and make friends and eventually end up in a guild
>start talking with these people, they're all very different in opinion and in way of communication but it's fun for a change
>while later we talk about things from our countries, I reveal I'm Dutch
>most silent person in the guild suddenly starts whispering me in Dutch, pretty cool person we have some common talk
>chat more and do some in-game stuff together, eventually find out through others that it's apparently a girl
>this is weird as hell to me cause she plays an orc male and tauren male
>mention it and ask what the deal is with that
>she starts telling me about her fantasies and how she has a huge attraction to fictional monsters and it's her obsession

Cheating stories – Facebook cheaters

>in a relationship with girl of my dreams for about 3 years
>been living together for the past 2 years
>crazy in love with her
>pop the question, she's crying tears of joy and accepts
>know she loves to be treated like a princess, but she never lets me spend too much money on her
>eff it
>decide to go balls out on the wedding, spending every single dime i've saved
>everything is paid for in advance
>one month before wedding
>use her laptop to check facebook
>she's logged in
>message from her ex pops up

Clonazepam effects & Adderall effects

>wake up
>can't tell what time it is by looking out window
>don't know where my phone is
>clock is flashing 12:00
>get out of bed
>still messed up from night before
>balance is crap and I'm still EXHAUSTED
>wtf is there a bag of mushrooms on my desk
>wtf is an empty water bottle upright on top of a bookshelf
>remember night before

Catfish stories - 2000 miles of cringe

>Be me 19 years old in Atlanta, Georgia.
>Playing gta4 because yes
>Like playing on xbox live
>Call the girls names
>One girl in particular dishes it right back
>Call her everything in the book
>She laughs and calls me names
>Friend request sent
>Become partners in crime for a year
>She lives in Minnesota, 2000 miles from me
>Sends me picture, smoking hot 9/10
>Out of my league but begin falling in love
>I want to meet her
>Decide to plan a road trip all the way up to minnesota
>Save up $2000 from work for gas and room
>Tell everybody in Atlanta "Going to see a Concert!"
>Drive through rain sleet and hail (literally drove through a tornado in Indiana)

Multiple twitter accounts don’t increase your cances of finding love

>be me
>be 19, have some good friends but never had a gf
>on twitter all the time, even have multiple accounts, made a few 'internet friends'
>one of my friends introduce me to two of their other internet friends
>i start talking to both of them
>on 2 different accounts to my main account because i dont wanna fill up my dm's
>instantly hit it off with both of them
>both of them and i have identical interests in music, video games, tv shows etc.
>realise im falling in love with both of them
>realise i need to choose between them
>realise im in trouble

How I ruined my life

> be me, attending gay pride to support a friend
> chill and walk around, its alot of fun and thw outfits are hilarious
> eventually come across two lesbians in short skirts looking fine (think emo style)
> 8/10 and 9/10
> talk and contain my sphagetti long enough to become friends
> spend rest of the time hanging out with them
> things start winding down and they invite me to their place for drinks and to celebrate
> ff to their apartment
> playing kings with beer, taking shots and just having fun
> they say they need to talk, they leave and go to their room
> whateva. No biggie
> chill on my beer /b/rowsing on my phone
> ten min later they both come out wearing the hottest lingerie I had ever seen
> they are now both 10/10
> they invite me into their room
> was not prepared for this but drunk so awesome

4chan is the place where you can find true love

>Have Skype group made up of friends met on 4chan
>Friend invites some of his other 4chan friends
>One in particular is a riot and very intelligent
>Have good conversations, eventually interested enough to get to know him better
>Guy is kind of hesitant about giving out social media info
>We just talk more, guy quickly becomes one of my best friends
>Eventually he opens up and friends me on facebook
>It's a gril
>Hunt through info and pictures
>Oh she's beautiful
>Ask why she never told me

Stories from working at Value Village

>Work at Value Village (basically Goodwill but higher class)
>17 but they pay more than adult minimum wage ($10.25 = 18+ minimum wage, they paid $11.50 starting) so I'm happy to work there
>Normally work the "easy work" (cashier and shelf stocker) cause the heavy lifting/dirty work was "for the men"
>One weekend we're severely understaffed
>Make it through Saturday but Sunday is too much to handle
>Boss begs me to work in donations, which is the "men's work" cause it's lifting heavy bags and sorting through the items (dangerous)
>Boss is desperate and I don't really mind so I say yes, she gives me gloves and sends me to the back
>Only one guy back there, normally there's 4 people working it
>Holy crap no wonder they need my help
>We team up, he brings the bags in and I sort through them
>Go through bags for half an hour, deeming whether things are worth selling or not
>Open heavy bag full of clothes

Anon and the not so amazing chocolate factory

>Be me
>Slightly over weight in high school
>Gym class requires students to take swimming or no grad
>Super ill and ready to make a steaming volcanic eruption in my pants
>Stalls were broken
>God dammit
>Didn't have to go that bad so I decide to wait after swimming
>Manage to keep the lock on the valves
>Showering off chlorine
>Muscular douche conoe jock next to me
>stomach rumbles
>Jock: Anon, you look like your keel over, fatty
>Clench cheeks and prey everything will be fine

Rejected by semiformal date and lost a friend

>be me 17
>Senior year of high school
>semiformal is coming up.
>never went to any dances because I never had a date
>Girl I love completely friendzoned me
>Ask femanon to hook me up with one of her friends
>One of her friends agrees to go with me
>Us 3, plus one other guy decide to go to a movie so date and I can meet each other and break the ice
>Movie went alright. We didn't talk much but we held hands.
>Date and I start texting
>She tells me that she just broke up with her alcoholic boyfriend
>She tells me about how much she hates him
>We decide to hangout again, just us two
>Go bowling and dinner
>Talk about after plans for after the dance. >She tells me that she drinks and would be down to party

Customer satisfaction guaranteed

My bro shared this fun story from when he worked at Grandy's (for those of you who dont know what that is its the taco bell of country food).
>be him 17
>working last shift, middle of closing
>sees headlights and makes his way to the door
>hand on the lock and is in the middle of turning it
>enter domestic landwhale
>she pushes through the door before he can lock if and storms up to the counter
>"Ma'am, were closing. I was locking the door as you entered."
>she replies "But it wasnt locked yet! get over here and take my order!"
>locks the door and gets the manager
>5 minutes of arguing goes by and manager gives in
>orders chicken fried steak with cream corn and mashed potatoes

When a mountain lion attacks

>be me 12
>go to a lake in canada every summer
>large campsite owned by a relative
>right next to a large lake
>massive hill on the other side of the campground
>on top of hill is large grassy plain and thick forests for miles
>one day my sister and two cousins all age 10 decide they want to go on an adventure
>take cousins quad and drive up the road
>we take a turn that leads to the grassy plains above the main campground
>horses and cows chillin and eating grass
>the plain leads into a valley covered in thick forest
>decide to drive over and explore
>hear howling from inside the forest
>look at cousins and sister all scared and panicked
>laugh and say its probably just some coyotes
>as if on queue two adult coyotes run up both sides of the valley howling

Baww story of Tim

Today was the worst day of my entire life /b/.

>Be me
>Work as a physicist in a hospital
>Assigned to the pediatric department
>I never liked kids
>meet a little kid named Tim
>Only 12
>He's here because he has bone cancer
>proceeds to talk with him everyday
>finds out he is really smart as a kid
>I start talking with him about random stuff
>I loved those moments
>One day, he told me what he wanted to be
>"I wanna be like you!"
>"I want to help people and be a superhero like you"

The evil clown from my dreams

I had recurring dreams
>Be me, probably 5
>always have this same dream
>always a clown chasing me around taunting me
>Looks exactly like the clown from IT
>Only looks the same with the same voice, but is not like clown in book.
>appears frequently in dreams. Watching me and taunting me
>Always appears when Im with my family
>Forexample; If I was in a yard playing with my brother the clown might be on a neighbors porch watching
>Watching and yelling and taunting
>NEVER is noticed by family.

NEET definition

>no job. Never had a job.
>virgin. Kissed a girl at 14. Went home and had anxiety diarrhea and vomiting because of religious guilt and lies I'd been told and never being given permission to do anything or be a human or have a personality
>no friends since childhood
>live with mom
>yellow teeth
>used to be in excellent shape (strong, could run long distance) but then stopped because people kept hostilely asking me why I exercise and eat healthy so I wanted to punish them by letting myself go and then saying "well, I just did what everyone told me to do."
>so now my health is a mess. All joints are injured and I am out of shape and very weak. Still waiting on an apology from the world for that. It's their fault.

Collab – Greentext

we write a greentext story, one line at a time. Only odd numbered posts get added to it.
>be me >Be 14 year old autistic downy >get resurrected >mfw >op is a fag >sister walks in >Reincarnated in the form of a flower with the speed of a puma. >she starts to undress >See qt3.14 sitting on the elementary school play ground >she unhinges her mouth to reveal a horrible maw lined with 21 rows of teeth
>spaghetti begins to form between my fingers,
>it puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again
>Not without my anus

Military anon’s deadly trip to Fallujah

>be 15
>9/11 explodes the towers
>much sad so sorrow
>be 17
>enlist in marine corps because step mom want me out of house anyways
>training done
>go to war in Iraq
>wow this war sucks
>sit around doing nothing for 12 hours a day
>oh crap HABBENING
>we end up at a village trying to accept goats as gifts
>be in charge of goats
>sometime later, goats die
>nobody gave spare food to feed goats
>get blamed for it
>now clean latrines

Stories from my beta family 2 – piss covered goblins and chocolate noodles

Sup /b/ it's the OP from this thread, and I'm back with more family photos (and greentext). Will timestamp the next post

>be 11
>Parents still dragging me to sci fi cons, despite the fact I'm the only kid there
>Except for Andy
>Andy is not a kid
>Andy is the supreme sperglord sovereign
>6'2, 18 years old, still a freshman
>Long greasy hair, at least 300 lbs, and a stench that could knock a buzzard off a manure wagon
>Seriously wish I had a picture
>He loved vidya, shonen anime and heavy metal
>And since I was 11, we had all the same interests
>His mom would pay me 20 bucks a weekend to entertain him so she could enjoy the con without his aspie antics
>She'd go without him, but kennels don't accept giant retards
>He's going to be the subject of the first story, since I know how much /b/ loves cringe

Collab – Spaghetti stories 4

>be me in middle school
>friends with the girl and her brother that live upstairs from me
>girl is 2 years older then me
>lets call her Nina
>Nina is cool and a solid 7/10
>Nina knows I have no social life
>be in school one day
>Nina walks up to me with one of her girlfriends
>Bonafide 9/10 walking up to me with nina
>"What's up anon, this is my friend"
>"Hi nina's friend. You guys... uh eating lunch?"
>"How come we never see you with a girl anon?"
>"I just, have... uh"
>Nina's friend completely disregards what I'm saying to them
>"I like your shirt anon"
>It's like nirvana or whatever was popular when I was a kid.
>She reaches to touch it

Small orcs need healthy food to grow

>work in retail store >sorting ma fkin shelves >suddenly, I get a bad premonition >itshappening.png
>hear breathy voice yelling through entire market
>'OH THAT'S A NICE LAST STOP FOR OUR FAMILY TRIP' >turn to see source of this yelling
>fat, ugly woman with 4 children >each suffering from down syndrome appear
>they all wear clothes ppl would have thrown away in the 80s
>all kids spread out like orcs in the new hobbit movie

Collab – Spaghetti stories 3

>Cant remember what age I was
>A fairly hot girl that lived down the street posted a valentine card through my door one time
>In retrospect I think her parents made her to it
>Be at that age where I respond to any hint of interest from the opposite sex by becoming locked in deep deep infatuation
>Make a valentine card for her that could only be described as being designed on /b/ by a committee of anons to be as cringe as possible
>I'd been learning spanish in school and I filled this card with spanish terms of endearment
>Taped a single plastic rose to the card
>I bumped into her a few weeks later and told her who had sent her that anonymous card, thinking she'd leap into my arms

Steal sweets and break your bones

>be me >working at English retail that no longer exists
>be only male working on shop floor at that time >slow day
>known shoplifter enters, get asked to follow him
>begrudgingly agree >guy’s creeping around >thinks that nobody recognizes what he’s doing here >guy came up with a “plan” >spends 10 minutes browsing through stuff >dude, you won’t fool me >then he strikes

Collab – Spaghetti stories 2

>be kinda young, can't remember how old
>Just entered puberty or just before I guess
>Still didn't know anything about sex or what a boner was
>Lie in my undies in the couch
>Suddenly penis moves
>This is hilarious
>mom just stares at me extremely uncomfortably and goes: "uuh yeah, look at that" then leaves the room
>couple of years later
>massive cringe
>be 6
>be in kindergarten with stupid teacher named ms. Clark
>be totally way far out insane child
>decide im going to draw my picture right on the desk one day
>what a novel idea
> this is so fun

Collab – Spaghetti stories 1

>be like 5
>mum's on the phone in the kitchen
>I'm sitting near her in my underwear playing with marbles
>find myself sitting under her chair
>a marble rolls back to me near my underwear
>start folding
>marble still in hand
>start pushing marble against anus because why not
>feel it sliding inside
>push the marble slightly harder
>in disappears inside my rectum
>omgwtfjesus panic

Even small things can make a person happy

> Be 15, 10th grade germanon
> Have to work at a social institution for a week
> Me and three friends decide, it’s funniest at retarded facility
> All get a job for a week
> Unluckily all four there at different parts of the facility
> Is big facility, for all sorts of tards. From little to completely retarded, everything there.
> Friends get to go to little to medium retards
> I gotta go to medium to severe
> Go there first day
> Nice care-ladies greet me. Have breakfast
> Woman tells me to meet old woman
> Shes 90 or so
> Donno her disability cuz shes in a bed, cant move, has that breathing thingy in her throat

Playing bike tag was a bad idea

>9 or 10 or so
>old enough to go play on other streets
>out riding bikes
>meet up with bunch of friends at school playground
>we decide to play tag
>game gets boring
>gotta spice this up
>we decide to play "death tag"
>like tag, but with tackling and brutal wrestling moves
>we like the taste of danger
>we decide to play "bike tag"
>like tag, but on bikes
>we are chasing each other around the school on bikes
>tearing around blind corners

Tough childhood

how bad was your childhood? 
>9 y/o, 3 brothers around my age
>out downtown with mom, dad and 3 brothers
>mom and dad always fighting in front of us
>moms always cheating on dad
>were at a bar or something and parents are drunk
>moms hitting on some guy or something
>drunk dad gets pissed and loads his 4 boys in the car
>finally mom comes along
>drive home they're practically screaming at each other the whole time
>mom is saying all the guys shes banged while they were together
>dads visibly angry, no words now
>mom is screaming out the window for someone to help her, my dad just keeps driving home
>pull into driveway, not even fully parked before my dad tells us to get in our rooms and not come out.
>remember talking with our brothers, knowing a divorce is coming, saying our goodbyes because we think 2 will live with dad, 2 will live with mom

Collab – Stupid things you did as a kid – part 3

>be 13 or something
>countryside live in a small village
>me and my 2 buddies often hang out at a small stream near the playground
>while blowing up some firework we saved from new year's eve my friend comes up with the glorious idea of tying a frog to our one and only firework rocket
>everyone thinks its a great idea
>mfw the frog is desperately trying to get free even more from the moment we light up the rocket as if he knew what was going to happen
>3,2,1 TAKE OFF
>it was kind of a low level flight due to the frogs weight
>as soon as the rocket exploded we ran off looking for the the crash site
>mfw all we ever found was the stem of the rocket with the frogs charred legs still tied to it
>mfw today was a good day
>be anywhere from 4-6 at my nan's house
>sudden urge to release the crap monster
>go knock on toilet door "i'm in here"
>my brother is in there and he always used to take long dumps
>start telling him to…

Stories from a fat family

Everyone in my family is currently an obese whale who frequents tumblr. Even my dad. I always kept an average weight and now I'm starting to turn most into muscle. Here's a story of a few years back when I still lived with them

>be me, 16, around 5'11, 150 pounds. just got my license.
>motherwhale screeches from her bedroom to tell me to go to the store for groceries (as the fat has molded into her sheets)
>let her ramble off a bunch of crap I need to buy
>7 pounds of maccaroni, 12 pounds of ground beef, 6 microwaved pizzas, the usual
>at the store. I pick up a bunch of crap. Finally near the end when I get to the dairy aisle
>Grab milk, cheese, and I get to the sour cream.
>fyi my family loves their sour cream
>all the normal tubs are sold out, all that's left is low-fat stuff.
>buy that, gtfo of the store and go home >unpacking groceries at home. start putting away the stuff that needs to be refridgerated
>fatherwhale walks by a…

Collab – Stupid things you did as a kid – part 2

>Be childhood me
>Anywhere from 4-6
>One day I figure out that you can piss anywhere
>Forget the potty
>Start pissing in things
>Garbage cans
>Vacuum cleaner
>Wouldn't tell parents when I did it
>They always found it some time later
>"Anon. Did you PISS in the vacuum cleaner?"
>teenage days
>just got my brand new paint ball gun a couple of months ago
>playing with a friend with it in the snow
>have turned the velocity all the way up
>friend acts like a balled and shoots his foot
>he stone faces it and says it didn't hurt
>I try
>pain is insane I drop in the snow
>friend is laughing his ass off and says he was wear steel toe
>in my rage I see my sister come out of house

Germany’s 7-1 victory over Brazil was too much for this Brazilian guy

>be me
>watch world cup semi-final Brazil vs. Germany game with lads
>one of them is brazilian because portugal is filled with immigrants
>germany scores their first goal
>brazilian says "there's still plenty of time"
>go get some beers at the mini-market on the other side of the street after the goal
>mini-market clerk has the TV switched on to the game, watch germany score 4 goals in 6 minutes
>get two six-packs
>go home
>"hey anon, did you see (brazilian lad's name)?"
>"no, why?"
>"he ran away from here after germany scored 4 goals"

I told a girl I was gay because I was nervous

>be 10th grade
>normie. not very talkative
>get invited to a qts poolparty
>sure i love parties
>get there with pal
>more crowded than expected. crowds make me nervous
>start chugging down beer. it works
>relax a bit. get more involved in the conversations
>pal is hitting it off with a girl
>decide to get out of the way. take shirt off. dive in pool.
>after a while see party's qt swimming straight to me and surface only inches away
>perfect tits. getting hard. hope no one notices
>"wow anon youre really toned. What’s your secret?
>between the cuteness, perfect bazongas, her giggling i already lost
>"t-thanks i just swim a lot. i like your bool. pool"

Anti car theft bro

>be 18
>just got own car
>noice 4 door
>black bro in back seats laying down and smoke too much weed
>i dont smoke, but nevermind
>go driving around with bro
>need to stop for gas
>didnt realize it was a bad place
>tank up and go into shop to pay
>it wasnt midnight but rather late and the place was empty
>left keys on seat and car unlocked because bro was suposed to be watchin the car (i dont know I was tired, young, and inexperienced)

Collab – Stupid things you did as a kid – part 1

>be 7
>watching nature documentary about mountain goats >see them ramming into each other
>decide to try it out with 6 year old sister
>both at opposite ends of living room
>run at each other head first
>hit our heads together at full force
>fall on our asses and cry while our mother ices our heads
>used to enjoy jumping down the stairs in my house
>started getting cocky and trying higher and higher each day
>decide one day im ready to jump from the top
>about 20-25 steps up
>put my duvet at the bottom and a pillow
>i take a giant leap

Don’t do it when your girlfriend has diarrhea

Girlfriend diarrhea stories? Here we go:

>before school
>bored in cafeteria
>me and GF go to truck
>start making out
>want to go further so I put towels up on side windows for privacy
>stupid idea
>start action
>she wants it in #2
>I stick it in
>going big
>bout to finish
>pull out
>the most putrid yellow diarreah i've ever seen spews all over my lap

The story of Wolf Josh

>Wolf Josh was 6 foot tall, 300 pounder, a heavy set guy with a full beard and shaggy hair
>Heavily into anime
>Always wore wolf shirts.
>One day, Wolf Josh catches me and my pals hanging out in the park, (This was in middleschool)
>My friends, Brandon and Oscar are jerks who like to mess with him.
>Wolf Josh tells us about his new discovery, and his ability to use magic.
>He is a Wiccan, and decides to show us by changing the color of his eyes.
> "Nothing happened, Josh"
>"I changed them, they are a lighter shade of brown"
>"Okay Josh"

The amazing anon

Short notice from the guy behind greentexted: This is probably one of the best greentexts I've ever seen. It shows that among all the funny, weird and crazy things on 4chan one can also find stories from truly amazing people... enjoy!

Just wanted to share my story since I have nobody to talk to.
It may take me a long time to write it but I hope at least one person reads it.
I just want to feel connected to someone.
This is my first post in here after having lurked since forever.

>have a really messed up by non abusive childhood
>I was responsible for taking care of my paralyzed father since I was 9
>my older siblings were all able to enjoy sports/social interactions and got to go out but I HAD to stay in
>I was like a subhuman to my family
>me and my father were really close and I didn't think anything was wrong with taking care of him
>I literally bathed/fed/clothed/medicated/ and handled all of his finances and everything while growing up
>my mom helped but she…

Barren Facebook, lonely life

>be me last year at end of december
>usually get invited to several new year’s parties
>mfw no one invited me that day
>get lonely
>go out for a walk
>buy cake
>see happy couples everywhere
>watch fireworks go off
>go home
>go to bed
>eat cake in bed
>pass out in my own tears and misery

The guy with 1 testicle

>be 15
>class is on 3rd floor
>everyone's running around cause there's no teacher
> I'm standing up to talk to other class mates
> along comes this anon, giant prick that's built like a gorilla but dumb as a stone
>thinks it's funny to still kick people in the balls
>charges at me like a raging bull
>full strength spartan kicks me in the nuts
> on floor, crying
>teacher walks in, asks class what happened
> she immediately screams at anon and calls for the nurse
> nurse comes along with a first aid guy

Life is a struggle

I'll baww with ya, but then it's time to move on separate but together.
>be 10 years ago
>finally got a job after being homeless for awhile
>job cans me due to neck surgery
>meet a 40 year old man
>he offers job with paid training from his spare bedroom
>pay is crap, work is unsteady
>get to know each other
>6 months later drinking beer and watching Jimmy Neutron
>company does better, move into office
>get crazy girl pregnant, go through adoption
>talk to my dad for first time in 5 years tell him

The story of how I lost my Gf, because of /b/

>be 2 weeks ago
>be me theta-fag, who mysteriously got a gf for the first time
>average looking girl 6/10, but extremly nice, and perfect to have fun with
>be happy like never before
>we've been together for a month at that moment
>today she wants to come over to my dorm, and spend the night with me
>decorate my room with candles and put on some chilly tunes, and dim the light
>desk looks like a shrine now, with candles at the side of my laptop
>don't know what to do till she comes over, so I spent the day on /b/, as always
>/b/ is at his best, only gore, traps, and other cruel things on the mainpage
>go to toilet, taking huge dump, didn't close tab

The taxi driver who helped saving my relationship

>be me
>be yesterday
>watching some stupid movie in crappy channel
>too tired man
>I fall asleep
>gf wakes me up screaming
>"What the hell do you think you are doing exactly?"
>mfw suddenly for some reason there is a movie for children on the tv
>mfw I have the hardest boner ever in my boxers
>mfw that's e only thing that I'm wearing
>mfw they are wet
>gf claims that she saw me faking being asleep and that I was jerking with the children
>tfw she punches me right in the balls
>she takes the keys of my new car that I have being paying untill last week and leaves the house

Granddad and the stolen sweets

>be 14
>at granddad's 80th birthday
>all the extended family is around
>one stupid cousin of mine has gone full goth
>died his hair dark blue, wears a bandanna and a duster
>talks about communism the whole time
>all at pub in granddads village, by the sea in Cornwall
>walk down with some of the other grandchildren
>he is the only cousin not to come
>find sweet shoop, one of the proper old fashioned ones with huge jars of sweets
>we all buy as much as we can with the money our parents had given us
>we get back with our stash
>emo cousin throws a fit because he didn't get any sweets

The killer’s email adress

>be 18
>Chilean, amateur Pump it up and DDR player
>Playing with friends and "gf"
> I'm her lover, she's cheating her bf
> BF appears and hits my mouth
> TL:DR we fight and he left. My mouth is going to swell
>Some good guy comes in with ice for my mouth
>We talk about stuffs, nice guy, offers me his email to keep talking. Write it down in my note.
>Never added him because of reason.
>four years later, I'm 22.

My disappointing aura

>be 24 britfag, work at a uni, phd
>travel to california on research trip, expenses paid
>staying with host
>online advert says she's laid back
>turn up, she's a complete nut case, feng shui, veganazi, bullsh*t merchant extreme
>i'm finding it all pretty funny, the dictionaries of mysticism she has 8 volumes of, the "vision board" covered in pictures of poor people
>one day decide to report back to my friends back home
>taking photos of all the crazy acid casualty crap
>trying to get good lighting, taking my time, getting the framing right
>Hippywoman has been standing behind me for a minute, maybe more

Attack of the tards

>Goes to a school half filled with dur-durs, which is what we called the tards, I'm in like 5th grade
>At recess
>10 swings on the swingset, OH YEAH
>Sit next to my buddy, yeah we'z swingin'
>Suddenly, hoarde of like 20 or more retards approaches
>One steps forward to some kid on some swing
>Manically screams "HURRRRR" and throws girl off of the swingset and onto the ground, pummeling the living hell out of her
>Suddenly, war rages
>Retards swarming us

I triggered my parents’ divorce

lemme just throw this in here
>be me, fat cutie pie, 17
underage ban
>jobless and living with parents
>was browsing steam
>noticed that they had a sale on fallout 3 and gary's mod (both games) for 10 dollars.
>i decided to buy them
>got my moms debit card and bought em
>woke up next day getting ready to play
>my mom comes in my room
>"im going to the store to buy things to make dinner"
>she comes back empty handed
>"why didnt you buy anything?"

First, I will fight you for my breakfast and then I will sue you

So I have a good story from this morning...
>Be driving girlfriend to her work
>a few minutes behind, trying to hurry
>she didn't eat breakfast so have to get her something quick on the way
>pull up to dunkin donuts drive through
>the drive through is on the left hand side, just before a 4 way stop in a shopping center
>someone is at the drive through speaker already
>sitting there in my lane just before the stop sign about to go into the drive through when the car moves up
>some fat old lady brings her suburban into the oncoming traffic lane and sits there in front of the drive through for 5 minutes in front of me
>what the hell is she doing? Did she really just cut in front of me?
>honk my horn at her
>she turns her head and flips me off
>I get out of my car and start walking towards hers >walk up to her window

How I lost my friend Emre

>be freshman
>meet a dude who shares my interests (basketball, vidya, women)
>his name is emre (i live in turkey)
>emre is really good at bball, like absurdly good for our age
>he has an awesome shooting sense i've never seen until i met him
>ball control like there's no tommorow
>i'm the tall dude who can dunk and rebound better than everybody
>we make the perfect combo
so we become great friends and all that bla bla hanging out bla bla vidya bla basketball bla bla etc. until one day this happens
>playing basketball with emre at our hoods court as usual

No toilet paper – wat do?

>Be 10 year old retarded me
>In school
>Colossal force pushes out my anus
>Massive dump announces glorious arrival
>Manage a crappy excuse about a phone call to get extra time for a proper dump
>Rush to bathroom
>Unload the most disgusting, smelly, massive pile of wet crap my autistic eyes have ever seen
>Look at my right
>No toilet paper

Deer camp and coke

>Be 22. >Go to deer camp with some friends, and a couple dads. >Have good time. >Drinking, camping, killing. >More drinking. >Good stuff. >One friend has a cocaine problem, but he is pretty discreet about it and we are all drinking all the time so it's not weird. >So no questions asked. >First days pass without major incidents. >One morning we all go to our hunting spots. >Not much happens, come in from hunting, exchange stories with others. >Wait, someone’s missing. >Coke friend isn't back.

Embarrassing visit at cousins’ house

Here's a fresh story for you guys

>be me
>be 12
>spending christmas with cousins in Queensland, Australia
>this place called 'Surfers Paradise'
>cousins are from moms side of the family, moms brother, his wife, their son Chris (16) and 2 daughters, one 10, one 6
>cousins are rich, live in this really nice house right near the beach that's decked out with all sorts of dope stuff
>A huge pool, those big arcade games like Pac-man and Time crisis, massive TV with hundreds of DVD's to choose from
>and one of those playgrounds with all the tubes you see at McDonalds..
>in their backyard
>sweet jesus
>on the 24th, most of the people at the house head down to the beach
>only people left are me, my brother, Chris and two of his friends

Karma and a too expensive burger

>working as manager of a small food store
>crappy job, but the pay was good enough to keep me around for a while
>working a public holiday, dead quiet all day
>fat person comes in
>asks for 'burger'
>"what kind of burger were you after mate?
>"just a burger"
>charge him for cheapest burger, a goddamn cheeseburger
>that'll be $2 for that one mate, cash or card?
>bogan santa looking guy enters rage mode

The bowel disaster

When's the last time you crapped your pants, /b/?

>be me
>11th grade
>had morning detention for forgetting to go to after-school detention for chewing gum in Spanish
>dad goes in to work super early
>drops me off like an hour before detention even starts (which is in turn an hour before 1st period classes)
>Wake up that day feeling a little queasy
>Figure it'll help to eat a little breakfast to settle my stomach
>mistake number one
>carsick ride to school evolved queasiness to full blown bowel-shaking disaster
>get to school like an hour before detention
>spend full hour on the toilet

4chan got me fired - twice

sup guys
has /b/ ever gotten you in trouble IRL? It has me... twice

>be me 16 years old
>working crappy job at pizza joint
>minimum wage
>modern day slavery
>bussing tables, serving, cleaning, prepping
>gayfag couple comes in
>one guy is FLAMING gay, feminine type, wearing a blue shirt and pink scarf
>they order their food
>I go to bring their pizza to the table
>I say (without thinking) "enjoy your AIDS"
>go to walk away from table
>pink scarf says really loudly "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?!"

This was not good for my Karma

>be me
>be 13
>playing outside with neighbourhood kids
>dont know any of them
>they suggest playing on the roof
>still want to play up there
>playfully push boy
>he falls of the roof
>think i just committed murder