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Showing posts from June, 2014

Listening to the wrong music can cause serious complications

My work is pretty cool only rule is the music in store must be video game related, so no well known artist music. Works well most of us have a play list

>be alone so I play my music
>typical white kid and mom enter
>they look around for a bit and the persona 3 opening starts playing
>hear the kid start complaining about how the music sucks
>the kid walks up to me he's about 12
>"your music sucks here!"
>tell him its not my music choice but it will change soon
>tells me "you better put something better on you fag"

My girlfriend became a lesbian

>be me
>be 17
>last may
>finally meet 10/10 absolutely perfect
>perfect looks
>perfect personality
>begin dating
>months pass
>happiest i've ever been
>come February of this year
>she becomes less attached

Peanuts

Welp.
>be me
>be 10-11 years old
>forced to take the schoolbus to house because my family would kill me if i dared to use the subway
>No friends there, just a couple of knowns and lots of people i had never spoken to (mostly my class, one higher and one lower)
>Extremely bored everytime i got into that bus
>one day the driver gives us a bag of peanuts for each one
>Yay.jpg
>In this moment my brain disconnects
>i literally cannont remember what went through my mind in that moment
>maybe it was just out of pure boredom, or at least i want to think so.
>I start staring to the peanuts
>I start talking to the peanuts
>not only talk to them, but torture them
>I start explaining those peanuts what horrible fate lies ahead of them

In love with Halo 4

>work at gamestop
>Halo 4 release night
>little pests out the door
>Most have tired as hell parents because midnightrelease so they behave to not piss them off
>not this one little chubby idiot wearing a master chief shirt and hat.
>Telling obvious lies about how hes a max rank in halo, how he is a pro MLG gamer and never lost a match, genuine stupid kid crap.
>any time someone tries to call him on them he berated them with retarded insults and goes beserk.
>He gets near the front of the line comes into store
>starts running around like an autist going OMG OMG OMG IM SO EXCITE CANT WAIT FOR HALOOOO 4
>Mom asks him to calm down
>EFF YOU MOM I LOVE MASTER CHIEF MORE THEN YOU

Mexican style revenge

>Be me, 7th grade
>Be mexican, in ESL classes
>Short prick is always picking on me, calling me illegal, wetback and things
>Don't really care for the insults, for I am legal.
>Join football team
>Short little guy starts messing with my gear.
>One day before practice, my shoulder pads were stuffed with mud. That gunky smelly mud.
>Have to wash em
>Short prick laughing the entire time, telling me the mud color matches my skin color. Smell too.
>I've had it with this fag
>Next day at practice, he is WR I am Corner,
>Long pass, he jumps to catch, I ignore my chance to intercept and tackle him mid air.

Skyrim stories – My dark secret

>Done with all the crap
>Finally settled down in Breezehome, Whiterun
>Happily married with Camila from Riverwood
>wakes up one day
>go downstairs
>Camila sits in front of the fire place
>Suddenly Faendal AND Sven comes through the door
>He stares at me and he says;
>'He's a bard, so he says. Occasionally he finds time to do his job here at the mill. Thinks his ballads and sonnets are going to convince Camilla Valerius to marry him. As if she would say 'yes.' An intelligent, beautiful woman like her wouldn't fall for that nonsense... I hope.'
>As Faendal says this Sven just rotates and spectates the room like a drooling retard

My break down

>new school, new class
>entire class interested in Science (physics/cemistry/biologi/math)
>first time my entire life I feel like I belong
>everyone is either a gamer or a bookworm, or both
>see this strange girl
>tall, skinny
>no makeup
>her brown curly hair completly loose
>wearing an every day dress with flowers on
>holding her textbooks over her chest
>innocentandpure.jpg
>hear one of my newly acquainted friends making some mean comment about her looks
>dude what the hell are you saying, I've never seen someone that beautiful my entire life
>sit down in class, im one bench back and one bench left from her

Seriously, how stupid can some people be?

>working for shop that sells games >be near Christmas
>busy with game sales and DVDs
>really hope no one wants to sell a console to us as it will piss off everyone
>in walks a black guy with his friend with a 360 and a ton of games
>wants to sell all of this
>around 80 games plus the console
>console is covered in call of duty stickers and "geek stuff" like pwner
>tell him we have to test the console to make sure it works
>it works but I start to notice this is as white as they get, the avatar is a white kid in call of duty, the games are call of duty and JRPGs
>tell him to hold on I got to check something, I go and tell my boss whats up

Brown snow

>last winter
>shoveling snow at this big office complex
>same feeling, stomach rumbling
>its coming
>tell the supervisor ill brb, gotta take a dump
>walk to the mcdonalds across the street
>half way there, the beast tries to push its way out
>manage to hold it in
>make it a few steps more
>explosion.jpg

The adventures of Anon, GayBro, and Faggor in the residence of gayness

>be me, 24, single guy for half a year
>go to a party
>party hard
>meet GayBro, maybe 27, gay
>really hit it off, becoming friends
>GayBro is a writer, I'm a crappy musician and unsuccessful screen writer
>talk about artistic stuff like the sanctity of a good story
self-importance.exe
>introducing Faggor, maybe 23, also gay, nice fella
>it's getting late
>many beers were drank
>GayBro and Faggor make out while I talk to some ugly chicks
Damn, they were ugly (where do you even find those?)
>it's 3am now, I still have to go about an hour to my place
dontwant.jpg
>Faggor lives nearby
>"Anon, GayBro - you can stay at my place tonight."

The story of Karina - the happy end? (part 10)

Hey /b/, I know I said last night I didn't want to drag my story out and I REALLY don't want to come across as the boy who cried wolf, but something happened with Karina today I want to share
>Be me, several hours after the call with Karina
>Been drinking all yesterday
>Keep remembering what people said. Maybe I should take Karina back, but then I remember how I've hurt her so much that she wouldn't even want me back
>Realize I've failed so very hard. Just decide to keep drinking until I die.
>Getting calls periodically, want to answer so bad but decide not to. It's not worth it, I've ruined everything
>Drinking Everclear and thinking about what could have been. That's life though, and maybe I will move on
>But with who? I mean can I keep searching for someone at this point? She will always be there, sitting in the back of my mind.
>Damn it. She's screwing around with another guy, so I can do the same. I'm so drunk I actually wan…

The story of Karina – part 9 of 9

>Says through deep, asthmatic breathing and sobbing "You always were an angry drunk. Please don't drive baby. I'll help you. I swear to God I'll help you, just please don't hurt yourself"
>Actually get angry she isn't believing my lie. She just wants me to admit I'm drunk, I rationalize. She is trying to trick me
>I'm going to drive over. I'm going to come and show you I'm not drunk. Don't YOU call me a liar. I've been nothing but honest these past few days.
>Baby please, I believe you've been sober. I really do. I can help you get through these next few days. I really want to help you, I still love you Anon
>i should've stopped there. >Is that even true, Karina? Do you mean that? What do you want me to say?
>"Just tell me you need me. Tell me you are drunk and just need help. Please baby, I realized you need me and that I can help you."
>O you want me to say that. That I'm a weak willed piec…

Mordecai the bible thumper

This actually happened, I'm not religious I'm agnostic.
> be me
> 15, average teenager, small town Washington.
> me, my dad, my brother, living with a long time family friend.
> Also has 2 daughters, a wife, his brother, and his dad living with him, 2 story house with basement
> this dude is the biggest but most based bible thumper you will ever meet, he loves everyone
> anyways I'm in the basement where me my bro and the girls sleep / hangout
> normal day, suns out! just chilling with my bro talking about school and stuff
> all of a sudden you can feel the atmosphere change
> like something from a movie! except real.
> we hear some thumping, crashing, banging, shuffling upstairs
> whatthe?.JPEG

Hobo anon and the meth-spider guy

I used to occasionally sleep in those grungy looking alleyways you're afraid you're going to get mugged in, back when I only had a limited knowledge base. But then, some /x/ tier stuff happened. It's story time with hobo anon!
>Trash filled alleyway.
>middle of the night, around 11 PM.
>lightly raining.
>Be me.
>setting up blanket beneath ovehang, as a place to sleep.
>smells like crap back here, but it'll have to do.
>never had a bad experience with other hobos before this.
>lay down, close my eyes, half asleep after 10 minutes.
>hear rustling from nearby food waste dumpster.
>Kind of wake up, look where the noise is from.
>Dumpster lid opens up.

The story of Karina – part 8 of 9

>Makes chips and dip. What the hell Lupita?
>Sit there awkwardly and eat a chip every now and then
>Ask her questions about Louis. What does she know, have they actually done it? How serious is it REALLY?
>I mean Louis might not even really exist.
>She just laughs at me, tells me I sound desperate. Well, she is right.
>A half an hour in, phone call.
>It's Karina, they sit there and chat for a few minutes
>Let me talk to her, I have to talk to her right now you....
>"Actually he's here right now"
>I'LL KILL YOU
>Nothing, she just hangs up
>She apparently stayed at her friends last night because she was freaking out I messed up and got wasted
>Blames herself for toying with me but didn't want to talk to me.
>Ask where her friend lives
>She doesn't know. I'll kill you right now. tell me where the hell she is

Tourist scam stories - Buying an apartment on the Philippines

>Australian guy, pretty well off, spend a lot of time in the Phillipines, and work out it is cheaper to rent out an apartment and visit it a few times per year than to pay for hotels every visit
>Go out hoping to look at some rental properties
>Get approached by a stranger on the street, strike up a conversation, and naively tell the guy what I was gone out to do
>"I know some properties for rent, wanna see?"
>Go along with the guy in a little motorbike taxi thing
>Start to think something's up, the kid driving the motorbike is obviously in on it but looks real nervous, very quiet etc

Hot girl had a surprise for pizza delivery guy

>start working as a pizza delivery driver for my uncle
>his other driver quit, never told me why
>get a call to deliver pizza on a friday night
>get to the house
>hot girl, 9/10 opens the door
>doesn't say any thing just smiles and tips me $20
>nice
>every friday night she calls for pizza and specifically asks my uncle for me to deliver the pizza
>uncle makes fun of me and starts calling her my girlfriend
>whatever, he's just jealous
>keep on delivering pizza to her but she still never talks to me just smile and tips me
>next week

The story of Karina – part 7 of 9

>I showed up to her house at about 9:00 in the morning
>I ran up to her dorm freaking out she might think I'm some drunk
>Maybe she's still asleep, I dunno. I just hope she's there.
>Get to her dorm, bang on the door loudly praying she answers
>Another 8/10 latina girl answers the door, ask her what's up?
>It's her room mate, let's call her Lupita
>Is Karina here or did she have class?
>Class has been over for a week or two, she left before Lupita woke up
>Says "you must be that tall guy guy she used to date. She told me about you"
>looks at me with an eyebrow raised and like she wants to rip me a new butthole
>Ummmmm, I guess so. You don't know where she went at all? I need to tell her something
>No, but she invites me in to wait for a little while.
>Whynot.jpg.
>Go inside, she pours me a cup of coffee. I've been up a long time, so I need it.
>"You look like crap".

I was filmed while doing it with a cougar

>be me
>living in another country for 6 months working, don't know anyone outside work
>time to finish up and go home
>in the city one day, sorting out some things, decide to go for a quick beer before home
>am outside having a smoke, wild hot cougar appears
>massive bewbs, blonde, dolled up etc, old enough to be my mother
>asks for light, i provide fire
>asks where i'm from, explain my story and that i don't know many people
>she suggests she could keep me company some time
>exchange numbers
>go home, smoke a blunt, wake up in morning
>have text on phone, "why don't you come and keep me company today? ;)"

The story of Karina – part 6 of 9

>Get home, want to call her right now on her date. >DAMN IT, want to go there and smack the hell out of the guy trying to nail the love of my life >I wonder what she's thinking about >Probably how she can ditch me and do it with this loser and send me a copy of the tape. >This freaks me out more than it should, but after everything that's happened I'm still so unsure. >Meet up with some friends, chill on their porch, smoke some cigarettes >Don't want to say anything, but I do because it's eating away at me. >"I got in touch with Karina again...." then tell them the story. >Some think I'm a massive idiot, some want me to get back with her. >No clarity here, what the hell do I do? >I've never been good at dealing with emotional crap like this. >That's half the reason I got addicted in the first place >Storm inside, forget these useless idiots. They are no help. >Drive to ABC store off campus

Homemade smoke bombs can be dangerous

>be me
>be 15
>have overprotective mom
>not really allowed to do a lot of stuff, so i get creative
>get anarchist cookbook off of piratebay
>thisisthereadldeal.webm
>decide i shall make smokebombs
>ask mom to get some potassium nitrate
>for some reason she's cool with me making smokebombs
>this is fun
>make smokebombs
>make another batch
>and another
>in total i've made about six batches at this point
>friend is over
>i promised him a couple smokebombs for his birthday >i had one spare, but that was used up screwing around outside w/ said friend earlier>play battlefield for a bit with him
>decide to make a quick batch so i can give him some more because i'm a nice guy

Skyrim stories – My bunny Fredrick

>Be me, start playing skyrim
>Just want to free roam cos swag
>See bunny
>decide to follow it round
>literally spend all my time on Skyrim following this bunny around
>Decide to call it Fredrick
>Follow Fred across a lot of the map
>Cross rivers
>Go through caves
>Go through snow
>Travel everywhere
>One day, see these 3 wolves

The story of Karina – part 5 of 9

>Says it got worse. >I look up, worried >If she got into hard drugs she might resent me >Started snorting coke at parties with her friends. It got bad too >Grades started slipping, health started to deteriorate >Almost got kicked out of school and her aunt and uncle stopped helping her with her tuition >Decided enough was enough, it was time to move on. >Quit cold turkey like I did but realized how hard it was. >The good time was too alluring, and it helped her forget her problems. >I was tearing up. This was all my fault. I almost ruined this girl. >She said she talked to her father for the first time in years. >He was clean. Went to rehab and everything, and she asked for his help >Put a mortgage on his house to send her to some tasty rehab center in New Mexico.

Raise your kids properly to avoid public embarrassment

>At McDonalds with friend
>Both high
>Talk about random things and eat
>Chubby mother with obese kid enters, kid maybe 10 -12 years old
>After maybe 10 minutes after they ordered they sit close to us
>We keep talking, laughing
>Kid eats 2 Big Macs, coke and fries
>MOM, I WANT ANOTHER ONE
>No honey you've had enough now
>MOOOOM I WANT ANOTHER ONE NOW!!!

Collab – Stupid things you believed in when you were young

>I thought women pee'd from their butt >I thought streets that had a "no outlet" sign meant there were no electrical plugs
>Also I thought people with different eye colours saw colors completely different to one another >I thought when I played computers in super smash (or any game) that they were actually controlled by people that Nintendo (or whatever company) paid to play. >Cringe worthy, When I was like 6 undressing woman with my eyes I always imagined they had a wiener. >I thought that Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon was a two part statement= knowledge is power, france is bacon. Was constantly confused by the porcine possibilities attributed to France in this statement. >I thought my cat Bosley went to live on a farm :( >I thought "grilled cheese" was "girled cheese", and I wondered why they named it after girls. I just read it wrong the first time.

The story of Karina – part 4 of 9

Hey /b/, well, as promised I decided to give you the follow up to my meeting Karina today.
>Be me, sober almost a year and track down Karina a few weeks ago >It takes me a while to work up the courage to go her dorm. I'm terrified of any number of scenarios >either a.)another man will open the door. b) I will be wrong about the address and she actually was somewhere else (most unlikely). and C.) She rejects me and tells me to get lost. >Go down to her dorm. I won't say where, sorry >Take a bit to knock on the door. Almost want to run down and grab a drink to muster the courage but realize that won’t help. >Finally just start knocking, then waiting. waiting.waiting. >Feels like a eternity. O god, maybe she's not home. Maybe she looked through the peephole and is ignoring me >Finally she opens the door. Nearly fall to my knees, o my god she is prettier than I remember

Dogs like eating peanut butter

>home alone again
>hear about the peanut butter on wiener trick
>put it on my butthole
>present myself to dog
>starts licking furiously
>tickles so much
>best fap i've had yet
>almost white out from orgasm
>goes without incident

The fake gun that fired real bullets

>3 weeks ago
>working in 24 hour shop
>working through the night to get more money
>turned off the security cam tv and plugged in my chrome cast
>watching the office on netflix
>only me and other coworker in the back shop
>slow night with 2-4 customers per hour
>sitting relaxing when customer comes in
>stand up because manners
>he walks off the back of the shop cant see on the cameras because office
>keep watching
>suddenly see someone out the corner of my eye
>”Open the till or ill kill you”

The story of Karina – part 3 of 9

>I came from a decent home but messed up by hanging around the wrong people. Went down a bad road and never tried to recover, not that I had a reason to.
>She starts tearing up, grabs me and starts to cry. Says she is sorry and that she will help me get clean because she loves me
>Heart sinks, tell her I love her too.
>We start to kiss, and it gets more passionate. Soon I have my hand down her pants and she's taking my shirt off.
>We've come close, but never actually gone all the way, and I actually love this girl
>We strip down, she starts going down on me.
>Whiskeydong.jpg
>I'm still pretty messed up, but honest to God if I was sober I'd blow my load in seconds
>We go into my room where we fall on the bed and do it for hours.
>Sun starts to set and my cousin gets home. >He sees all the pills and booze.
>Loses his mind, throws open the door as we are getting dressed

This is not part of my contract

>be me
>be working opening shift at grocery store (6am-2pm)
>sleepwalking half the time so it isn't that bad
>first duties are to take temps of all refrigerators to make sure they're working and then clean all the bathrooms
>whateveritsajob.gif
>one day walking past aisle where they keep the trash cans and see our nicest model out of the package and sitting in the middle of the floor.
> curious me walks up to it slowly, only to find this thing is half full of watery, piss-yellow vomit.
>it's full of peas and white tendrils
>reeks like hell too
>GODDAMNIT.webm

Pizza delivery stories

>full time college student
>delivery driver on the side for a regional pizza chain in LA for extra spending money aka weed
>tips are usually great since our delivery area is in an affluent part of town
>deliver pizza to a guy's house
>asks me to come inside while he gets the money
>we're not really supposed to enter people's homes but it's a ritzy part of town so I didn't see an issue
>spot big TV in the living room
> explicit gay pron on the screen at a considerably loud volume
>now this is awkward and I wanna leave
>don't say anything about it
>guy tips me pretty well
>few days later
>same guy orders pizza

The woman I married was a fake

>be married to hot young wife
>she starts becoming paranoid and dependent
>manic depressive swings going from joy to suicide attempts
>I contact her mother
>she is supposed to be in therapy
>supposed to be medicated
>the woman I met and married didn't exist.. it was chemicals
>accept this, and stay committed (still love her)
>go to therapy together

The story of Karina – part 2 of 9

>Realize I actually kinda like her. Miss the teasing
>Trying to covertly crush up pills and snort them
>Not a word the entire class. Once it ends I pack up my stuff and walk out slowly, hoping she might stop me or something
>Sinking feeling in the chest, go straight home and get drunk >Skip a few classes. Damn it, what was I just a charity case or something?
>Cousin getting pissed. Says one of the conditions was that I go to school or contribute to the rent.
>Also mentions his gf's meds are going missing
>Proveit.webm
>Whatever, just drag myself in each day, sit there and get through it.
>Pill supply is running low. Haven't found a solid dealer yet, so do waaaaaaay more drinking
>Break leftover Percs in half and rail them in the bathroom.
>Go to class
>Karina sitting there, is it just me or is she even hotter?

I want all of your chocolate

>Be me, 19 year old swiss college student.
>Be working at 24 hr chocolate delivery store.
>Yes we have those.
>Our main product is alcohol delivery late at night but sometimes, and I mean ALL the time, people order chocolate to go with it.
>On night, a call comes in.
>Around 1 Am in the morning, my shifts nearly over.
>We recently got a new girl who takes orders on the phone.
>Since I'm the only one there, she calls me over because she can't understand the guy's order.
>Take the phone.
>"Hello sir, what is your order"
>"I want chocolate"
>"Err, what kind sir?"
>"All of it."

The story of Karina – part 1 of 9

>Be me, two years ago at 19
>Just graduated, never really a good student and really doing nothing with my life
>Got hooked on prescription pills back in high school and developed a drinking problem
>Get wasted 24/7
>Like, I really can't bare my life. I'm depressed when I'm not drunk/high and get really agitated when I'm sober
>Still semi-function though. Hit the gym, go to work
>At the end of the day though, I get wasted
>One day I'm taking my gf at the time down town
>Rail some codeine before I leave
>Downtown, find a half empty whiskey bottle in the back
>Slam that, go pick up girl
>Drive downtown, girl scared out of her mind
>In my mind everything is going great and am wondering why she is flipping
>Flashing lights behind me

Best fap with bubblewrap

>gma is hoarder
>only place to sleep in her house is the living room couch
>surrounded by fortress of boxes
>couch is comfy
>start to fap in the safety of box fortress
>have the need for other stimulation
>find bubble wrap in the hoard
>roll up and spit inside for lube
>put in between couch cushions and start banging it furiously
>couch knocking on the wall, don't care at this point
>grandparents are oblivious to everything
>have gorilla orgasm into bubblewrap

500th greentext uploaded

 Hi all!
Soon I will upload the 500th greentext and as always I hope that you enjoy reading and browsing through them. If you like this site then please support it by sharing your favorite greentexts with your friends and others. 
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This fap earned me some money

>be me
>16 years old
>found out about fapping super late
>parents out of town for the weekend
>sister "at her friend’s house" for the night
>live in the countryside super rural area
>nobody around
>smoke a ton of weed out back
>go inside like a giddy little kid
>weed always makes my faps better i just get ridiculously aroused

Tourist scam stories - The shady brothel in Istanbul

I did get lured into a depressing, dark grimy brothel in Istanbul.

>standing on a busy Istiklal Cadesi with a friend, checking our guide book map.
>some guy comes up to us, asks us if we want to go a Turkish bar
>say nope, thanks, go back to looking at our map
>doesn't leave, keeps saying "Turkish bar nice, very nice. Come look, free to look, very close by, just look Turkish bar, no buy, free to look."
>friend and I look at each other, not interested, but he won't buzz off
>I say no, friend and gives me this 'eh, why not' look, and I know he's interested in finding 'off the beaten path' nightlife, but I'm sure it's a regular old tout.

My date of rage

>be me. 2 hours ago
>Got a date with this 6.5/10. It’s worse to stay at home.
>nice 3 piece suit. Looking fine as hell
>She comes out with leggins to go to one of the nicest restaurants in my city
>rage a little insinde
>i open the door of my caddy CTS for her. Out of pure education and costume.
>'you think i cant open my door for myself?'
>more rage
>half way to the restaurant 'so having a nice car its part of your plan to impress girls? Lacking personality?'
>more rage

Rednecks are immune to explosions

>be me
>be working at gas station for several years
>one day, tons of people buying beer
>rednecks, every one
>"hay bud, lemme get sum copenhagen long cut bud"
>whatever.jpg
>lady walks in
>"you guys know your store is on fire right?"
>what
>what
>what

The story of Jenna and my first time – part 3

>next day
>wake up >parents have made breakfast
>go out to kitchen and sit down at the table
>jenna and my sister are both sitting there already
>as I sit down I make brief eye contact with jenna
>so much is said during the course of this momentary glance between us
>we both look away so as to not arouse suspicions
>eat breakfast
>we had all planned on spending the whole day down on the beach today
>get dressed to go down there
>today jenna comes out in a neon green bikini
>matches her eyes

Killed a person and asking /b/ for advice

Hey /b/ I have a serious question and I'm freaking out. I dont know what to do and I think I might have killed someone last night.

>have fire in local state woods and invite people
>pretty well known guy in city (doesnt mean Im liked, just well known)
>Mostly my bros and and their girls, a few extra girls and a few extra dudes
>Dont know any of the extra dudes
>Do my usual thing and decide which chick I wanna do tonight
>pick this little spanish looking chick, but with white features
>prob 7/10 (when I'm drinking a fat girl can be lucky enough to turn into a 20/10. I have no morals so idgaf drunk poon is fun to me still)

Giant snowball of death

>be 11
>last day of school before Christmas, everyone out on the fields in the snow
>there is a large flat field at the top of the school playground, with a long slope that runs down to another field at the side
>little kids younger than 7 go on the lower field, big kids at the top field
>we start building this huge snowball by rolling snow around
>gets huge, snow is about a ft deep so there its easy to build
>almost 6 ft tall snowball, takes a load of us kids to push it moving
>starts to roll by itself
>ohcrapwhathavewedone.cbz
>giant ball of snow begins the roll down the slop

Coming back at former manager

>work at Togo's
>real super busy, backroom is called up to help out
>lady asks for pastrami and a soup
>I ask which one
>"Southwestern Chicken..oh wait does it have cream?.."
>fairly new there, about a month or so only working weekends, I ask manager who is bein a lazy jerk and only ringing up orders.
>manager, named candace, says in her raspy smoker voice "I don't know I'll check."
>wait an awkward 5 minutes with a wrapped pastrami and smiling at the customer, I cant help another one because the deck is full of other customers
>Ask again
>Candace says "Anon stop being annoying, I said I'll look for it, now shut up!"

The story of Jenna and my first time – part 2

>finally I’m able to go back up on the beach
>we had been out there for probably two hours at that point
>everyone had had enough sun
>we go back inside
>everyone showers
>parents are taking us out to some restaurant for dinner
>jenna comes out in this tight yellow shirt and similar shorts to what she was wearing that morning
>her breasts are popping out
>god damn she’s so hot it should be illegal
>we get to the restaurant
>they seat us in one of those round booths with a table in the middle
>parents slide in first
>I slide in next
>jenna slides in next to me

The story about how I got lost in the woods

>be 12
>mountainbiking with dad in Pyrenees
>since I was still kind of little, we take one of the lighter trails
>dad is a full blown mountainbike fanatic, he's really cool
>at noon, take a break to eat some lunch we packed
>after lunch, before continuing, a find this really cool trail with a small jump
>session this small jump over and over
>dad yells me not leave the trail or to follow it further
>whatever.jpg
>dad seems to be on phone for work
>find a bigger jump, oh cool
>continue
>ohthereisanotherone.jpg
>realise i'm lost

Start beta.exe

>be me
>be hanging with some friend in a summer night some years ago
>there were some girls there too
>there is this one who is a 8/10 body, 7/10 face
>That girl comes to me and says:
"Hey Anon, wanna go for a walk?"
>i agree
>we go
>she leads me to an abandoned house
>once we arrive there she tells me:
"So, what we gonna do now?"

The story of Jenna and my first time – part 1

>be 18
>kind of a loser, definite betafag, not hopeless though
>virgin obviously
>kinda thin
>have sister year and a half younger than me
>sister’s best friend is named jenna
>jenna is the object of all of my fantasies
>10/10, brunette, emerald green eyes, voluptuous body, maybe c cup breasts, tan skin, no acne
>gorgeous face
>just being in her presence gets me excited
>too beta to talk to her
>she’s over at our house fairly often hanging out with my sister
>kind of just acknowledges me, never really says much to me other than a brief “hey”

Special lube for best orgasm

>be 14 year old me
>go on hiking trip with the Boy Scouts
>2 weeks, no Internet
>no Internet means no pr0nz means no fapping
>hormones off the charts. Need to fap like 5 times a day or cream in my pants
>fast forward to three days into trip
>balls are 10 pounds heavier
>the motion of walking simply arouses the hell out of me
>needtofaprightnow.jpg

Our plan to kill Christmas in World of Warcraft

>Be lvl60 NE Rogue in vanilla WoW.
>Be around christmas time.
>Hanging around in IF doing nothing.
>Bored since raiding is on hold (Many in the guild went on trips etc for the holidays)
>Notice the christmas npc.
>Never been into the whole seasonal quests etc...
>Notice something...
>Grandfather christmas doesnt have the "invulnerable" status.
>Know that the horde side has their own christmas NPC in Orgrimmar.
>Hatch incredible plan...
>I'M GONNA ASSASSINATE CHRISTMAS!

This is what you get as a beta

>be me
>highschool
>have a good female friend
>she has some emotional problems, anxiety, depression etc. tried to an hero a couple years back
>went through messy break up last year, I became her main emotional support
>have some anxiety and stuff myself, rely on her a bit, we become really close
>chilling at her place watching movies on her bed
>suddenly we're holding hands
>she rests her head on my chest, feels good, man
>pretty sure we're going to get together some time soon
>one day tells me about how she hates that friendships can become really complicated and everything when feelings get involved

My stupid cousin

>be 12
>cousin from London comes to visit us for a few weeks over summer while his parents sorted something out
>year older than me, guy is totally clueless about rural life
>plenty of blubber
>pampered
>greedy too
>scared of horses
>scared of cows
>pasty and wanted to spend his whole time on his PS2
>I got bored of that pretty quick and then the rabbit chewed the wires on the second controller
>take him on a bike ride one day, he uses my bike I borrow a friends
>me and my friends have to stop as he puffs and pants along behind us
>start telling him crap about the countryside

The girl, special pictures, and her dad

>be me, this time 8 years old
>there is this girl at the playground that I always see at the weekend when I am there
>get friendly (innocent friendly)
>go round to hers a few times.
>she gets one of those role up disposable film cameras on holiday and brings it back
>has a load of pictures left
>decide to be spys and take pictures of secret stuff
>few hours later, we have found no secrets to take picture of
>can't even remember how, but we ended up taking ID badges of eachother
>and "testing" to see if we are aliens

United States Inc.

>live in libertarian utopia
>wake up
>no internet because DARPA was never funded and it wasn't developed
>recite my daily prayer to the free market
>eat my breakfast
>hope i don't die of heavy metal poisoning because there are no regulations regarding food safety
>walk outside
>struggle to maintain consciousness because the earth's atmosphere is 40% smog
>wonder why the free market hasn't set up a cheaper planet with cleaner air
>get into my car

This is how you become Alpha

>be me
>huge betafag in high school
>one super hot girl, Amy
>be really good at math
>Amy asks for help with homework
>help her, then she ignores me
>cycle repeats itself
>she'll flirt with me, cuddle, talk about how much of a jerk her boyfriend is, typical friendzoned stuff
>one day decide eff this
>eff everyone
>stop helping people at all, focus only on my own stuff

Shrooms’ lasting gift for me

>Friend says she got shrooms
>Well this sounds interesting
>Go to her to buy shrooms
>She hands me a little pill with what looks like a dab of black tar on the inside
>Wtf
>She tells me it's "shrooms extract." (later find out it from my druggie chemist friend that it was more than likely 4-AcO-DMT)
>Pay her, leave
>Fast forward 3 weeks, it's the beginning of november
>At friends house chillin, playing videogames and practicing bass
>Smoke a few bowls start bitting my lip (which I will continue to do all night)
>Decide to take it at 10 or so

Bobo the dealer

>Be me
>20 years old
>On a cruise with a friend, meet a bunch of cool people
>Party all week
>Second to last day on the cruise
>Need to party hard tonight
>lackoffunds (I'm broke)
> Matt suggests the Idea that we get off the boat and smuggle some on
> HELLYEAHMATT.png >Friend Niki gives us 200 dollars to blow on whatever we can get on the boat
>We all pitch in, get in about 300 dollars for one night
It's the day
>Get off the boat
> Be in the gettho

The gas station, my stupid trainer, and the Yakuza

>working at gas station in san francisco
>my first week of training
>getting trained by some fat woman named carla
>carla was an enormous simpleton who liked to act like a "strong independent woman who don't take no crap" to try to impress me or something i guess
>last day of training
>carla is on a roll, totally crashing and burning with customers
>gives me directions to do stupid things like restocking coffee creamers instead of ringing up customers, causing customers to walk out

THIS EPIC RETELLING OF SHELL IDIOCY WILL BE TOLD IN TWO CHAPTERS

High in Paris

for the premise, iv been overdosing couple of times so i know how to handle it without freaking out.
here goes:


>visiting friend in paris, black girl with white boyfriend
>backpacking so im going to go see some sights
>boyfriend offers me some hash night before and ofc i say yes and also take "bit" for next day
>in the morning im alone at theyre place since they have to work
>awesome idea to make a butter since it lasts longer and easier to consume in public
>put about 3-4 big pipe hits of hash in butter
>down the whole mess with cookies
>head out, i know itll start to kick in in about 30min and full effect is gonna be at around 1h
>yesterday found out that theres a palace that i can go to and i can get there with subway
>sitting in subway and start feeling mild buzz, dis gun be gud

Spacetime and onions

>blaze blunt with two friends and friend's house
>eventually get hungry
>leave his room to raid his kitchen
>friend comes out and turns me 180 to take me back into his room
>I don't notice this, think I'm still headed to kitchen
>enter kitchen
>it's my friend's room
>what
>this can't be
>space time wouldn't allow this
>start freaking out
>tell them "we're not supposed to be here"

Ice cream with spices

>be really busy at togo's
>did i mention we were a conglomerate of baskin robbins too?
>literally the ice cream shop just perpendicular to our sandwich joint, same building, both same room, indoors. we even share the backroom, and all workers work both stores.
>indian couple comes in
>lemme guess, extra spicy?
>couple orders pepper jack pastrami, large
>give it to them
>they nom it down in seconds
>coupon hunters and their spice tastes
>by now its no longer busy

Biker vs. white trash girl

>be my second week at togo's
>working night shift
>cool biker dude pulls up and comes in
>orders pepper jack pastrami
>of course, sir, gimme a moment
>share a few jokes, its late shift, everyones kinda tired but happy its slow
>biker guy is cool, jokes with us
>white trash chick rolls up and gets in
>friend, jacob, starts on her order of turkey and avocado
>white trash obviously hitting on biker dude

Hospital stories

>medicine student
>first day at a hospital's guard
>two weeks ago, Saturday 5:30 AM
>only people here are students (such as myself), comatose drunk teenagers, and patient's close friends sleeping in the waiting room
>nurse comes at my desk and tells me to deliver some radiographies to the traumatologist's office
>I do as she says
>open the office door
>the doctor is banging the maintainance lady behind the curtains
>leave the pictures in his desk and walk back to the guard and get back to paperwork
>nurse comes back after a while
"anon, did you deliver the package?"

My wife in elementary school

>be me, 8
>have a Girlfriend
>hold hands and kiss on the lips
>whole school freaks out
>Girlfriends friends decide we should get married
>whynot.png
>there is a gazebo in the school field
>everyone gathers there for the wedding
>My friends were the bells
>she has some paper taped to her forehead as a veil
>more taped to the back of her legs as the trail

Daddy, I want a beer!

>be 5
>dad gives me "beer" when I ask for it, which is just hot chocolate with milk froth on the top
>Energy buzz makes me hyper, or "drunk"
>Think its actually beer
>get home from school and ask mum for a pint
>dad eggs me on
>sister is like 1 at this point but already follows me around
>calls milk beer
>go to school primary canteen for the first time without teachers when I go into year 1 (before that the teacher would come and make sure we didn't throw things around/not eat)
>tell the kitchen lady that I would like a pint of beer with my food

I need more sauce!

This happened to me this week
>Be me, Manager at Arby's
>Lady calls in says "I came though about 45 minutes ago, i didnt get my sandwiches with my order"
>I look through the all the orders for the past hour and 15, not a single order with these 2 sandwiches
>"If you have a recipt, i can replace those sandwiches for you"
>She hangs up
>She continues to try this tactic for the past week
>People like her are the reason the job is so crap.

annother one

Our burgers may contain traces of vegetables

>Be me at Burger King >serving meals
>Fat woman orders a large whopper meal
>"Here you go ma'am"
>*genericsmilewitheverymeal.jpeg*
>Fatty mac fat comes back
>"I ordered a whopper with NO VEGETABLES"

I want to speak to your manager

>be me
>work as a manager at a supermarket
>23, young looking, fairly attractive i've been told
>old lady going nuts at one of my workers
>I ask whats going on
>She thought one item was discounted despite the sticker clearly indicating it was for a different item
>"ma'am this other item is the one that is discounted"
>she wants to keep fighting
>"It's confusing"
>It isn't
> "I should get it for free" she says
>"And why is that?" I ask

Loving someone I hate

>be me about a 4 years ago
>meet guy in college
>he and I become best friends
>talk about everything and anything
>always doing stuff together
>over span of 2 years realize feelings for each other
>decide to date
>move in together
>life is wonderful
>both have well paying jobs, finishing school
>planning life and future together
>so in love, perfect chemistry
>he meets a girl in one of his classes
>they get close

Something got stuck insinde my sister

>be 16
>sister is just 13 IIRC
>come home from school
>sister had been home early, mum and dad out at work.
>open the door, toss my bag down and begin to wonder up to my room
>"anon? is that you?"
>sister is shouting from he bathroom, I go up and knock and ask whats wrong
>she starts babbling on about stuff, I can't under stand
>after about 5 minuets of this I get irritated and ask her whats actually going on

Angry neighbor who turned out to be cool

>be 12
>playing football at a friends
>ball goes over to his neighbor
>neighbor is this angry idiot who hates kids
>the goal is the fence between friends house and the angry fellows
>probably about 8 footballs and such in his house
>one day we notice his side door is open
>sneak in with more stealth and planing than mission impossible
>he is carrying mowed up grass from the back garden to the front
>sneak into the house
>when he is in the garden we move around like ninjas trying to find the balls
>even go upstairs

Tard stories – Knife proof tard

>be weekend
>it's a smallish town, not everyone knows everyone but you see the same people a lot
>be at park
>see tard'n'friends
>the female is sitting in the shade reading a book
>the fat one is, hilariously enough, eating a cheeseburger
>the tard himself is in the tree
>probably asleep
>he's always wearing those sunglasses
>wild gangbangers appear
>get closer to see what happens
>tard sits up, his curiosity peeked
>douche-bags claim the tree belongs to them

Fat cat cancer

>Be me when I'm like 13
>Be at friends house, his parents are druggies and don't give a damn what we do
>Me and 3 other friends are chilling just watching tv and doing 13 year old stuff
>We'll call my friend Terio
>Terio has a cat called "Chubbs"
>Chubbs is the type of cat that just lays around.
>It doesn't do anything
>Anywayyy

Tard stories – King Tard vs. Army of Geese

>Work on a theme park
>asked to be entertainer for the day, occupy a coach load of tards having a party
>its a nice day and the venue gets very hot in the weather, greenhouse and everything
>outside the venue is nice, a large lake full of geese and swans, seats and stuff
>knee high wall that separates the garden area from the lake
>tards having a great time, lots of food and music and mascots
>one of the tards, lets call him King Tard, isn't eating his hamburger
>He's been sat eyeing up one of the geese that has been walking around the garden
>King Tard grabs his burger, and lobs it at the goose full force
>hits it square in the face

The miserable death of our kitten Sunny

>be me
>be 7- or 8-years-old
>be summer break
>parents work long hours, so grandparents babysit during the day
>be at grandma's house
>playing outside in the yard with brother when grandma calls us
>scurry over to grandma to find her carrying a box
>whatsinthebox.mp3
>grandma chimes pleasantly, "Look what I found!"
>grandma places the box on the picnic table
>curled up in the corner is the cutest little kitten ever
>jet black, snow white whiskers, deep blue eyes

My dream girl stole my heart

> 7/10 NEETish
> Averagefag
> I clean up to 8/10 maybe
> Do a lot of drugs
> I don't want to kill myself, but I don't enjoy my life really
> Always try and make people happy
>I know how hard being sad is
> Meet girl
> Walking my neighborhood at 4 am
> Whynot.jpg
> Take a smoke by a lamp post, she is in the distance
>Onlyhersilhouette.avi
> She walks my way