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Showing posts from May, 2014

Britain and Germany vs. France & other adventures at the beach

>be me 11
>On holiday with family and friends
>Build a big trench system in the sand at the beach, we used proper gardening spades and stuff. It had little pillboxes of body boards covered with sand, with sticks for guns, it was deep enough for us to stand with just our heads over the top
>dads built most of it lol
>go to lunch, but leave our towels over them
>one of them is a big Union Jack flag
>come back from restaurant after lunch
>our stuff has been moved of it and a bunch of german kids our age are in it now
>actually have a german towel in the same spot our british one had been

The tattoo from hell

>be me
>2007+2
>be tattooist
>just finished doing a hawk on an ugly guy's neck
>next.gif
>saggy old woman waddles in through the door
>jesus
>'hello dear what tattoo would you like?'
>she wants a damn butthole tattoo
>mfw

Like Forest Gump and Bubba in the jungle

>Be me (anon), 18
>About to start College, (This was in August 2013)
>Recently moved from the Uk to go to college, one of my friends (Lets call him anonon) had moved to the USA when he was 18 too, so he had an apartment now
>Really broke so I decide to stay with him for a year or two until I could financially get back on my feet
>Both of us are well built 9/10s as we have been told by numerous people
>Anonon tells me he has been invited to a party
>He says they asked him to bring an 18 year old with him
>Agree to go, time comes and we set off to the party
>Everything seems normal, we arrive at the party, anonette (anonon's friend who I don't know) answers the door
>doesn't really seem like a party to me
>"Come in anonon, you must be anon, I have heard about you."
>She isn't wearing a dress, there is no music
>She takes me into a dark room, and tells anonon to wait outside
>Really dark wtf is happening

Tard stories – Jacob wants some love

>be me
>be 17
>meet tard from class, name Jacob
>Jacob is the only tard in school, so naturally everyone loves him
>one day in math
>tard approaches crush
>8/10
>calls her "home gril"
>tells her "baby we can go back and listen to nickelback"
>she says eff that, wants no part of it
>ignores him
>Jacob starts going crazy
>spits in her hair
>I'm the only one in class laughing, teacher is giving me the meanest of all the scowls
>she tries to get up to leave

Better dress properly when facing your crush

Well /b/, I am truly and utterly effed. I'll greentext what happened of course
>be me
>be yesterday
>3rd to last day of school
>last day of gym class for the year
>this school makes you take showers after gym, as a heads up
>dime piece qt crush in class with me
>hot af, she knows i like her, and thinks its cute, but still wont date me
>anyway, get done running and go to showers
>get out of shower, towel on me
>suddenly crush just walks into guys room

Special sauce for burger

>friend (18female) calls me and invites me over to hang out.
>me(20), agrees and tell her I'm out getting lunch at the moment. Burger.
>asks me to pick her up one.
>on way to her house I decide to add an ingredient.
>remember reading semen is salty.
>residential development area on the way (half built houses everywhere. No one around)
>pullover. Parked. Pulled out noodle rock hard from the thought of her eating my jizz.
>unwrap burger.
>separate ingredients so it's just the patty on the bun.
>fap fap fap

A real gentleman goes to bed early

>be me
>on mac playing minecraft
>look at the time on my spy kids watch
>8:50
>ohno.jpg
>close mac, pull up pants and run to room
>get into room
>pull off my flame t-shirt and khaki pants in one swift movement
>take off my straw tribly
>struggle to find my little pony pajamas

A story about the relationship between men and women

Since everyone is talking about feminism, I decided to write this. My apologies if the green text is not formatted well enough for you. I normally write using compound complex sentences. So this is a bit
outside my usual writing style.
>I was stationed at Clark AB, Philippines for 2 years from 87-89.
>Just off the base was a town called 'Angeles city'.
>This town hosted hundreds of bars; all catering to U.S. GIs.
>The girls in every bar were called 'hostesses'.
>They were not called 'hookers', because prostitution was officially illegal.
>But the difference was just in a name.
>The going rate, while I was there was as follows.
>$0.50-$1.00 USD (U.S. dollar) they service you, under the table as you drink.
>$5 'short time' - 1/2 to 1 hour in a back room, banging, sucking, whatever.
>$12.50 'bar fine'. A 'fine' to take her out of the bar for the night.

Revenge with man juice

>about 8 months ago
>go visit the folks in tennessee
>staying with them for about a week
>siblings are there
>9, 14, and 16, respectively
>16 is sister
>immature as hell
>malicious, too
>damn
>moving on
>the day after I get there we're all eating dinner I cooked
>teriyaki chicken, yummy

Ignoring a bullied girl

>be 15
>neighbor is a girl one year younger than me, whose parents are foreign
>and she has a stutter
>she talks really funny
>she gets bullied constantly at school
>I thought she was kind of cute but didn't want to be see associating with a bullied kid so i never said anything to her
>she would try to talk to me when I was doing yard work and I would blow her off
>at school she was always sitting in the library by herself, sometimes crying because of the bullying
>the only time I ever saw her happy was when she was at home, playing with her dog in her yard
>it was some kind of scottish terrier, solid white little runt
>things at school get worse, bullying is getting really physical
>I see "pretty" girls shoving her around, pulling her hair, all kinds of things
>still don't say anything

The pet Iguana

>be dating a girl for three years
>one day we go into pet store on a whim
>she convinces me to pay for half of a baby Iguana and related accessories
>keep at my place
>it's a bastard. It runs away from me, and bites me whenever I manage to corner him. It makes terrible noises at me if I get too close
>you have to go through a bonding process, almost like training a dog, but it never helped or mellowed him out at all

There was a surprise on that cake

>In charge of drawing, writing things on cake
>Fill up liquid sugar sack with extra jizz
>Hadn't nutted in 2 weeks in preporation for this moment
>Squeeze every drop in liquid sack
>Mix it
>Start drawing typical "Happy Birthday blah blah" on cake
>Keep using same tube to make random dots every where to make sure everyone has a piece
>Draw some ponies, flowers, rainbows etc
>Every square inch of cake is covered in decorations with secret sauce.
>Refrigerate for next day
>Bring cake next day

Murder in Okinawa

>Be me in Okinawa, 1983.
>Barhopping with friends.
>It's early AM, they want to go back to our hotel, I'm trying to pickup this girl I've been talking to, they leave me at the bar.
>Resume trying to pick up the chick.
>She's not interested.
>Leave bar half an hour later.
>Trying to find my way back to hotel.
>Damn everything looks different.
>Get turned around, turn down alley I vaguely remember walking down.
>Random homeless guy comes out of doorway.
>He's obliviously drunk.

Collab – Worst states to live in

Alabama
>either blacks or rednecks
>not a single purpose to the US other than being fat and terrible healthcare
>literally the worst sports fans ever
>entirely annoying
>their kind has invaded TN and MS, ruining what's fun about them
>the worst Southern accent
>only one good place is the beach and it's the most disgusting beach on the east coast
>All cities are retard infested
>literally a boring drive the whole way through
Arizona >retarded people EVERYWHERE
>'preppers'
>religion always up in everyones sh*t
>mediocre public education
>COUNTRY MUSIC EVERYWHERE

The fake drug expert

>be in 7th grade
>go to public school
>find a group of friends who I can stand
>they ask me why no one knew me before
>tell them I stayed in florida for a bit/3 months
>they think that I meant lived there
>ask me how much drugs I did
>imanub.jpeg
>they still don't believe me
>ehhh don't care
>decide I'll just go with it

How I rescued my neighbors cat and stole all of his weed

>live in crappy college town in run down apartment complex
>next door is fat stoner neighbor
>he is never home
>constantly having notifications piling up on his door for weeks at a time
>has an adorable cat that's always in the window sill
>constantly meowing at people trying to get their attention
>guy obviously is neglecting the cat
>break a window one night and use that to get in
>apartment is dirty as hell

Jabba the McDonalds employee

>be 27
>crappy job faraway, 2hours up and down, hungry
> quick bite at McDonalds? surewhynot
> order up to some unknown somewhat muscular arab guy, somewhat same age i presume
> i politely ask my order, he jams his cashier like it is a tablet of stone, in need of hammering in the characters -> "heydudechillax.jpg"
> starts looking at me with a "wassupwhiteboy"-face, i REALLY hate those faces -> composed answer" will you please get my order"
> guy goes literally bananas, starts throwing with empty cups etc... -> still "heydudechillax.jpg"
> grabs bag, grabs rashly my order, 2 burgers drop on the floor
> instead of grabbing other burgers, he picks them up from the floor, and throws them in my bag, while shouting next

Ever tried out Benadryl?

> me 15
> take around 20 of the damn things
> lie down
> everything turns evil. think im gonna die
> damn, i have to go pee again
> go to bathroom, see cat run in but when i try and find it it's not there
>find out cat was in there the whole time. but who was cat?
>lie down and drift in and out of reality
>hallucinate i am in an elevator
>nope

My wallet phone

>Be me circa 2009 freshman year of high school
>parents don't like kids using fancy cell phones
>end up convincing them to get me a razr flip
>think I'm cool now and start texting older kids
>football player asks me if I want to come to party
>tell parents going to his house for night, let me go after debate
>catch bus and end up at party, chicks everywhere, beta mode engage
>go to dude bro that invited me, he hands me a beer
>I've drank before but not at a big party
>Bro turns to me quickly and holds something out to me
>Tells me to 'hit the blunt', full retard mode engage

Red eyed and soundless

>Some 5 years ago or so
>Best bro over to the house for a fantastical fun night of weed and vidya
>Just pirated new co-op game, can't for the life of me remember what one
>Have 8/10 battlestation setup in bedroom
>So excited for all the fun that was about to ensue
>Bro busts out grinder, I bust out bong
>Hellyeah.jpg
>Take a couple large hits and boot up the game
>No-sound.wav
>I'm renown for my technical skills and experience. Begin to troubleshoot
>"Don't worry bro, we'll have sound in no time"

Puking master

>Be 16
>Hanging out with the guys
>Getting ripped up
>Take an 8th of mushrooms
>Drink a pint n change of vodka
>Start smoking weed
>Weed does me in
>End up in Gresham of all places
>I have sunglasses and a ride home, everything is fine
>End up back in Portland, dunno how
>End up back and buddy's house
>Pass out on his couch watching a movie

Eat bleach, Randy!

>Be me
>working in a crappy desk job at dell
>randy, the office fatso, is a huge douche, literally
>randy always eats my food in the office fridge, ive even given him threats to stop
>after a few weeks of this, i walk back to fridge to see that someone drew a smiley face on my foam box in the fridge
>open it to see that that idiot had eaten my food again, with a note saying "Carls Jr. is deeelish."
>look for something in the premise to use as a weapon
>glance at LaRhonda's custodian kart in the corner with cleaning supplies on it
>spot a bottle of bleach

Late revenge is good revenge

>Many years ago when I was but a hatchling I had a primary school crush on a girl by the name of Susan.
>She had pigtails, freckles and a nicely developing little body
>My family owned a store at the time and, being unwise in the ways of seduction sought to bribe my way into her heart. I brought her in some sweets, lollies and chips as often as she asked for them, for nearly a year.
>At the end of the year there was a school camp where most of us kids snuck off for a game of kissy.. That consisted of all us boys lining up and each of the girls coming along and kissing each of us down the line.

I am evil

>be 15
>be friends with a girl for 2 years or so.
>lets call her Shelly
>I was in love with Shelly for a while and her being a solid 8.5/10 and me being a maybe 6/10 I didn't think I had a chance.
>one night we were playing COD or something and tells me.
>"Hey Anon I need to tell you something."
>"I umm really like you and stuff. So I tell her that I like her too.
>Fast foward 2 months or so and she leaves to Mexico for 1 weeks.
> she comes back and I get the glorious idea to go to her house and mess with her parents.
>first night rode my bike to her house rang the door bell and left.
>This proceeded for a few days and one day Shelly and I are talking and she asks.

My abusive father and the hell I went through

>be me
>7 years old >my father is an alcoholic and a drug addict
>he steals everything from my mother to buy more drugs
>i was playing with my sisters and their bfs on the gamecube
>it was a saturday, 11 pm or so
>my father like always wasn't home
>the door is kicked from the outside
>he was outside, drunk and waiting for someone to open the door
>he forgot the keys
>my mother woke up
>he said that he was with 2 prostitutes waiting to someone to open the door
>my mother said that she wasn't going to open
>my awesome and fun night playing the gamecube was destroyed, one of the only days that I had fun in my childhood

A classic case of friendzoned

>be me
>be 18
>start another year of school
>meet a wonderful, cute girl
>literalythegirlofmydreams.png
>so shy can't say a word
>theregoesnothing.tiff
>start talking with her
>she's the best person I've ever met
>with time, we become the best of friends
>we text everyday until late night
>we speak every day in class

I got fired for not being a real Nazi

Got fired from my job today, nothing else to do so I’m gonna share it with you. Greentext tiem:

>work in admin dept for insurance company
>new girl starts
>polish
>cute
>let’s call her L
>sits directly opposite me other side of computer screen
>has bad English
>pick her up when she gets something wrong
>eventually asks me to proof read all her stuff
>think she wants the D because I help her out, might ask her on a date later
>”you’re so weird Anon, why do you care about this so much”
>say “I don’t know, guess I’m just a bit of a Grammar Nazi”
>a WHAT! She says

My victory over feminism

>> Le me in a feminist class. (Necessary to political sciences here).
>> Told the student union and teachers I had ADHD and needed a voice recording of my classes. Got paper from family friend in psychiatry to back my story up, got dean to approve of me in written when it came to getting class audio recorded so I can study.
>>Discussion was centered around $ parental support post-divorce.
>>My argument is that anyone (though society has it usually males, since females usually get to keep the children regardless of the man's wishes) paying child support should be given the reciepts and detailed logs of what the money they gave out last payment was used on before being required to submit the next payment, thus ensuring the money went to take care of the child and not the adult, especially in a case where the mother had been the one to initiate divorce.

Collab - Life of /b/

describe your life:
>21 yrs old
>5'6", 160lbs
>college undergrad taking chemical engineering
>kicked out from previous uni after 4 yrs
>transferred to different uni, still chemical engineering
>no car
>no phone
>no laptop
>have only $650
>lives with parents
>20 yrs old
>5'7"
>NEET
>Live completely alone
>In debt

My boss is full of surpises

>be me
>21 years old
>having a crappy job
>be at work
>going to the toilet
>taking phone with me
>sitting and taking a dump
>while i crap i surf the web, check messages in whatsapp
>im done, keep chatting with a friend
>like 10 mins
>come back to the room
>boss comes to me
>"where have u been so long?"

McDonalds’ revenge

> be in highschool.
> crazy, psyco girlfriend offers Mc Donalds job hook up so we can "be together all the time"
> be retarded because first girlfriend and shes giving up the bazongas.
> go to Mc Donalds "job interview" which consists of a series of questions and scenarios that a chimpanzee could answer correctly.
> Appearently all Mc Donalds have a basement
> have to go down to basement and watch stupid Nazi, McDonalds propaganda video tapes.
> begin to work register.
> Constantly dealing with retarded landwhales and the rest of societys concentration camp worthy populace.
> get paycheck, look at paycheck and laugh like the first batman movie in which the joker asks for a mirror in surgeon’s room.

He really needed those fries

>currently a manger at McDonalds
>work overnight alot
>one night some fat dude in a truck comes thru the drive thry
>order like 10 dollar menu sandwhiches
>gets a medium fries too
>theres a cop inside getting a coffee at that moment
>pass the food for fat truck guy and then go to the front
>always give this cop a free coffee because he knows my dad
>suddenly, banging on the window
>fat truck guy says hes missing a large fries
>normal would give it to him like it was nothing, but he was being a jerk about it

Collab - Unpopular opinions 2

>Safety laws are stupid, people should be allowed to die because of stupidity.
>I believe in God
>I like snow more than sun
>I think a proportionally correct woman is better than a well endowed (any part) woman.
>Channing Tatem is a good actor.
>Doom was an enjoyable movie
>Democrats and Republicans both have valid stand points on varying subjects.
>Anything in moderation is ok.
>Corporal punishment should be ok.
>Justin Beiber doesn't bug me, I wouldn't even know who he was if people shut up about him. I hate people complaining about him more than I hate his attitude.
>Quitting smoking is easy.
>Quitting drugs is harder, but only takes about a month, people who can’t quit are weak fags.

Tard stories - The story of Dungeons & Dragons Tommy

>6th grade. Fresh to the middle school. We all are assigned homerooms and this is where I first met Tommy. Now, I only knew a handful of people in my homeroom and tried to talk with them.
>Tommy sits next to me in the row closest to the sinks (my homeroom teacher was a science teacher,so that explains the sinks)
>Talking to my friends and Tommy scoots his chair loudly over next to me and says "IM TOMMY WHATS UP!"
>The entire classroom looks over at him, and I kinda tell him to get lost
>"You guys like Dungeons and Dragons?" he says as he pulls out this big book from his bag
>We look over and say something along the lines of "Nah, that stuff is for fags"
>Tommy gets red in the face and screams "IM NOT A FAG" and rocks his chair back and forth violently.
>Teacher walks over and tells him to stop causing a scene
>"no eff you mrs anon, i am not a fag"

Burning four leaf clovers

>Have a job at 17, being a teacher's aide for summer school at a highschool I don't attend.
>All the retarded kids that act out and have bad grades love me.
>I spend all day reading while the teacher runs the class, but get paid $9 an hour
>At lunch I sit in the grass and look for four leaf clovers
>I find at least 25 of them over the summer
>Each one I find I put in the book I'm reading
>The whole summer I feel good and comfortable with life, no challenges, no bills, no effort needed
>Fastforward three years

Beta metal

>Be at friend of the family's wedding
>Listing to the worst, crap-tier nu-metal
>Hair long, tried to grow it like future Trunks from DBZ
>My wallet had a chain and The Offspring symbol on it. My brown trenchcoat folded beside me smelled like maple syrup for some reason.
>8/10 girl, maybe 3 years older than me sits down next to me. Tight black dress, hair done, smile on her face
>"Hey."
>"H..hi."
>"What you listening to? And is it more interesting than this party?"

The void

>The french have a phrase for it
>It roughly translates to 'The call of the void'

>Working different shifts nearly every week I was sleep deprived
>Construction work, on call for a quick project with an extremely limited time frame cleaning up old crack houses on the east side of Seattle
>Answer my phone one night just as I lay down, 3am.
>"Anon, we have one, a couple windows, that's it. $200 for maybe 2 hours, sound good?"
>"Yeah, I'll get dressed"
>B picked me up just as I was tying my boots infront of my apartment, cigarette just about dead
>He lit me another one and we got in his truck and set off
>Get to an old, three story victorian and unload the huge windows out of the back as well as a sawsall and some scaffolding
>"B, you been in it yet?"
>"Nah, here. You go ahead"

Cartwheel

>See a girl named S in hall in highschool
>About 16
>She looks fragile, dark, thin, beautiful
>Obsessed with her the rest of the day
>Run into her one day at lunch, talk about music, really like her
>Her friend comes to see me later that day and tells me she likes me
>Sudden massive confidence overcomes me, never had so much desire before
>Wait outside after school until I see her
>Walk up to her, she's standing against a wall
>"Hey, you have something to tell me?"
>Her - "I..uh..wow. Uhm, I like you."

How to reject an ugly girl

>Be 17
>Fat, ugly girl named Tegan is in love with me, friend of friends
>She stays the night with a bunch of my friends after a party
>Laying out on the trampoline, just did it with a girl I was dating and she went in to sleep. I told her I'd catch up
>Tegan comes out and sits on the edge of the trampoline
>"Anon, I love you"
>"Tegan, no you don't"
>She crawls over and lays down next to me
>"You're beautiful. I never thought a guy could be beautiful."

World of Warcraft is a waste of your life

>Play WoW for years
>Raid, everything. Even pass up banging gf for a raid once or twice
>WotLK comes out, clear everything up to Ulduar
>Finally find a girl worth my time, spend a week or two missing raids
>ToC happens and guild uses different tank
>Log on and raid is already happening
>Feel suddenly crushed by it, never been broken up with, and never took anything too personally

Tard stories - ARE YOU OK

>Grade 8
>Walking to the bathroom
>Tard wrangler standing outsite the toilet area
>"Hey anon, adam is in there, try not to bother him"
>Alright
>Walk in, see adam pacing around in a huff
>Pull up to the urinal, start to pee
>Adam stares into the gap between my arm and the urinal
>"Adam thats not okay, seriously, just go"
>I forget adam can only say either "are you okay" and "am I okay"
>"Are you okay"

Our beagle Beau

>My family bought a beagle named Beau when I was 3 months old.
>She was small and good tempered
>When I was 17 I was constantly on the computer, talking to my friends and ex
>Parents divorced awhile back, spending my summer at my dad's. He still has Beau.
>She's fat and old and partially blind
>She needs somebody to let her out and in, and barks to let you know
>Let Beau out, annoyed, a conversation with my ex is getting pretty interesting
>End up chatting with her for hours, she send pictures and video of her bouncing on a banana.
>She has to go, I go to let Beau in

Creepy greentexts – Creature

>be me about 4 years ago
>Like going on midnight walks as I find it relaxing
>get this weird feeling before I head out so I grab my knife never know what'll happen
>head outside and make my way through my neighborhood
>start to notice is considerably darker outside than it usually is
>chalk it up to bad storm day before still cloudy some street lamps are out
>entire time i'm leaving my neighborhood can't shake this feeling of being followed
>decide to just turn up my music and keep going on
>make it to a street that's usually busy but hardly any cars
>bored with where I usually head to I decide to explore my gf at the time's housing edition

Creepy greentexts – The house that wasn’t there

>be me about 6 years ago
>on my way home from the movies
>bad storm that night. rainy and windy as fuuu
>swerve to avoid a fallen tree branch
>just barely clip it with the rear left tire
>tire blows
>pull over and turn on the hazard lights
>get out to inspect damage
>raining so hard feels like at a water park under one of those huge dump buckets

Akward customer situations - Wiiiiiiiiiiiii

Used to work literally next door to walmart, selling TV's at a Kmart. All the time:

>why aren't there as many TV's as walmart
>why are the DVD's more expensive than walmart
>why don't you have computers like walmart
On and on. You could see the walmart from where we were standing.
>Christmas time, black friday
>we've elected to unlock the videogames and just hand them to customers, instead of unlocking the case every time

Tard stories - The tard and the gerbil

>Be 14
>Parents divorced, living with mom in a crappy apartment with the boyfriend she left my dad for
>Have no friends, go to awful middle school full of poor white kids.
>One teacher has pet gerbils, asks for all cardboard from students
>Go through a lot of toilet paper at the time, bring in all the rolls I can
>One day the mentally challenged kids visit her class to drop off their cardboard
>Large, broad-faced retard with acne all over his face asks to hold the gerbils
>Teacher says no, but the kid reaches in anyway
>He grabs one from the corner and brings it up in a fist. It's struggling, it's lower half in his meaty fist

How my addiction to heroin started

>Be 20, inbetween jobs
>Girlfriend of 2 years left me
>She was starting to model, not swimsuit model, but a skinny girl with a sharp face and beautiful eyes
>We had a lot of problems, both trust and fidelity
>She lived in an apartment with me and no matter what we always ended up sleeping next to eachother after making love
>But she left to go home and find herself or whatever
>I imploded and lost all taste for everything
>Sat on my window sill of my 11th story apartment and smoked every night before bed, wondering what the hell I was doing

A very shady job offer

>Be me
>Respond to an ad on Craiglist for a warehouse job
>Only five miles from my house
>Show up for interview at 9am
>Shadiest looking "office" I've ever seen (red flag #1)
>Pace looked abandoned and smelled like wet dog
>Receptionist was all tatted up and unprofessional looking
>3 other guys for intereviews, they all seemed to be on the slow side
>Guy shows up, says he's Mr Banks

I tried to hang myself. I failed.

Be 18 or 19
>Bad job at Lowes, hadn't started college yet
>Have friends and a girlfriend but depression sets in
>Started by questioning myself about death
>Start freaking out about death being just eternal nothingness. Just black conciousness
>Try to talk to gf, she offers stock responses
>Know bros have very little going on in their head, so don't waste the breath
>Start to spiral down and down despite my usual stoic self assurance
>Listen to music for hours on end, sometimes crying.

Suicidal in Spain

>Spain
>I did a few threads like this while I was there, I used the same severed head in the OP that I had seen at the Seville cathedral there
>Several nights of getting used to getting these out, a lot of longing for the past
>Worked long hours, had a lot of free time in the middle of the night
>One night the internet was out, and everybody was asleep
>I was on the fifth floor of a run down hotel, and everytime I went to smoke, I'd be looking down at the concrete, thinking about how easy it'd be to jump.
>I convinced myself I'd aim for the metal-topped trash can

The story of Gayle and the lawn flamingo

>One day at Target, going to buy a cd
>Sit in the cafe area, eating breadsticks and looking at my stuff
>Notice a girl, probably early 20's (I was 19) with blonde hair in wide curls. Green eyes. A Vonnegut book in her hand. She worked there.
>She looks up, and I smile and wave at her out of reflex, feeling slightly stupid, but joyfully reckless
>She looks at me with a puzzled look, then goes back to her book
>Put on my music and start reading the lyrics.
>A few minutes later, feel a tap on my shoulder. It's her.

The beautiful girl in the cuddle cafe in Tokyo

>Visiting tokyo for a month.
>Excited about seeing everything I'd come familiar with through touches of interest in manga/anime
>Don't get me wrong, I can't name more than a handful of the more popular series
>Everything makes sense, one side of an escalator is to walk on, the other is to stand. I can't read japanese and speak it poorly, but within hours I'm on the right train to Shibuya
>Walk around, feeling at home and completely alienated simultaneously
>End up where I planned for the day, a cuddle cafe
>Talk to the man up front and he knows enough english to explain it's about $60 for 45 minutes, and gives me an option of costume.

Mom, the Hippie & Tacos

>Be 11
>Mom works at a taco place in the mall
>She works from 4 to 10pm, dad works until 6pm, so we hang out at her work until dad can pick us up
>My parents are always screaming at eachother at home, over money, people, obligations, my siblings, me.
>Know something is wrong but never know what
>Sitting in the hallway with my brother and sister while we wait
>Decide I want a taco
>The back door my mom went through is locked, so I walk out the front
>The taco store is closed, lights off

Wife cheated on me and I still pay for her cancer treatment

I feel like an idiot /b/. I honestly cannot bear to see what has become of me. I feel so stupid just thinking about my actions. Here is what happened:
>be married for 3 years
>love my wife deeply, she's like a friend to me
>one day come home from work early
>she is nowhere to be seen, walk into the bedroom,
>there she was riding some black guy
>she freaks out immediately
>starts muttering "oh nooo no noo noo nooo"
>then I say "we need to talk right now"

I punched a girl and stole her money

>be me
>Freshman year of high school
>stupid girl from middle school starts giving me trouble on my first day
>effyoutoo.png
>ignore it, get slapped on a daily basis, pay no mind to it
>until one day, she had the balls to steal my vidya PSP
>Legit takes it out of my pocket and locks it in her locker
>Again, deal with it, and start hatching plan
>Wait until school is over, house is walking distance
>pick her locker lock open while she's in choir or something, i dont remember what she did

Tard stories - Dog no work

>have a 14 year old down syndrome sibling
>xmas morning
>morning alarm tard scream activates
>wakes up all my family
>fml.jpeg
>everybody goes to the xmas tree
>tard cousin gets the most presents
>opens the biggest box first
>it´s a yorki(small dog type)

Tard stories - The story of Nicole

hey /b/, ready for some tard stories? because everybody loves tard stories.

>be junior
>freshman girl with autism in improv class and chorus
>very social, way too loud, cant stfu
>of course my name is called to improv with her
>"woah, you look way nice today!"
>tard overwhelmed
>"huehHAhee I uh hUHAUIHA yeah uUHAUAHUA"
>have to wait for her to say a line
>never says a line
>i get yelled at for not progressing the scene
>in chorus the same day
>being taught how to sing from your diaphragm

Timmy the destroyer

>several tards in my highschool but none to get too excited about except 3
>the ‘my fault’ twins and timmy the destroyer

eventually they have a tard battle but I think I should set the tone with the backgrounds of each

Start with the ‘my fault’ twins:

>be 15 and 2 months into freshman year
>never seen a retard before so I was unaware of the coming storm
>in hallway during passing period
>hear a chorus of 2 people bellowing ‘my fault’
>MMMMAAAHHHHHH FFFAAAAUUULLLLLTTTTTTT
>continuously gets louder and stops right behind me
>cautiously turn around to see duplicated black earthworm jims with buck teeth
>staring at girls butt next to my locker

The blonde Norwegian and the cute redhead

/b/, I got married last week! Here’s the story >be me
>second year college
>7/10
>maybe 8/10 on good day
>usually just 7/10
>6/10 before 3 in the afternoon
>english major
>taking great american novel class
>because I’m a fag
>class consists of exactly 2 people
>myself, and 8/10 blonde qt 3.14

Gruesome deaths – Stupid German diver

> Be me
> Be three years old
> Father is a dive boat captain and instructor
> Took me out on trips because divorce
> Took out some real idiots sometimes
> It was a cash business so my dad had to take them
> Dad was a avid spear fisherman
> always went to deeper dive sites to shoot fish rather than comply to the 30 ft. mandated by his company

Gruesome deaths – Old rope and a rock

>me and friend running around in woods behind his house
>come across an old rope tied to tree about 50 feet up
>huge hill next to it
>friend wants to swing on it
>we climb hill holding old rope
>push him, he goes really high, is fun
>he swings once then i go
>fun as hell
>feel old rope dying in my hands

6 hours of Hey Ya

>Be senior year
>Walking around one day and find iPod touch on ground
>Go home and reset it
>Had my own so didn't know what to do with the one i found
>Get devious plan in head
>Download Hey Ya! by Outkast
>Go to school next day

Stewardess vs. Hamplanet

>Be me
>flying on plane
>age 16
>empty seat next to me
>stewardess's givin me special treatment
>this is the life
>one stewardess (let's call her Veronica) comes round with the dessert ice creams again
> "oh hey anon you want another one? We have some left over"
>"no thanks, I'm fine"
>hamplanet woman with ham moon child next to her across aisle
>"hey miss! Why didn't me and my son get offered them, huh? Why is that child so special"

Nobody suspects the skinny white kid – Homo jock

>Be me
>Junior
>Some jock is being mean to all the nerds
>He is pretty nice to me
>I don't like how he treats the nerds
>Looks like we are going to do a little bit of reputation bashing
>Find out he is going to be having a party at his house that week
>Little movie night
>Ask him about it, he says I can come
>Decide that this will be the time to strike

Nobody suspects the skinny white kid – Operation Yearbook

>Be me
>9th grade
>Private School, punishment is harsh here
>Skinny white kid
>Group of guys always messes with me
>Notice every Friday, they walk to the baseball field
>Learn their exact route every day
>Realize they are smoking weed every Friday
>Actionplan.png

Nobody suspects the skinny white kid – The Nazi-Pod

>Be me
>9th grade
>2007. Ipods were becoming a big deal
>Know a black girl, definition of ghetto
>Dumb as a rock
>Find out she has been spreading rumors I am gay
>I won't stand for this
>Formulate a plan to drive attention away from me
>Learn her locker combination, her exact schedule
>Learn her best friend was Jewish
>Oh, I know what I am going to do next
>Find out she had an Ipod
>Now that I know her locker combo, I open it
>Tape a nazi flag I printed inside her locker, take the Ipod

…Now I suck off dogs for Quavers

>wake up
>single tear rolls down my cheek
>feel worthless
>lying in an alleyway
>hear sounds of barking
>mytimehascome.jpg
>they're coming
>i hear the sound of their tiny little paws on the floor
>a dark shadow falls over my face
>i turn towards it
>it’s a dog
>my first customer of the day

Collab – Horrible flights

I did get lured into a depressing, dark grimy brothel in Istanbul.

>standing on a busy Istiklal Cadesi with a friend, checking our guide book map.
>some guy comes up to us, asks us if we want to go a Turkish bar
>say nope, thanks, go back to looking at our map
>doesn't leave, keeps saying "Turkish bar nice, very nice. Come look, free to look, very close by, just look Turkish bar, no buy, free to look."
>friend and I look at each other, not interested, but he won't buzz off
>I say no, friend and gives me this 'eh, why not' look, and I know he's interested in finding 'off the beaten path' nightlife, but I'm sure it's a regular old tout.

Diarrhea prison

>Be a CO in a prison
>Decided to play a joke on the inmates
>Brought a bag of Haribo Sugarless "Colon- Cleanser" Gummy Bears
>Was gonna make Cafeteria boys distribute this to Genpop
>Suddenly, a small yard riot
>Five people are due for The Hole
>The Hole has minimal lighting, small vent, and a bucket to defecate
>They'll be there for a day

I almost got kidnapped in Bangkok

>I was trying to get a Visa to India
>Going to the Indian embassy in Bangkok several times
>The trip was quite far and i usually took taxis instead of tuk tuk
>lived next to Khao San road in an Indian restaurant but this is a story of it's own
>one day i take a cab, ask for the meter fare
>we ride for 30 minutes or whatever it takes, talk a bit with the driver, in hindsight he seemed a bit shady but i didn't think about that then