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Showing posts from April, 2014

Cursing at parent-teacher conference

>Near end of 5th grade
>In student teacher conference with my dad and the principal for whatever reason
>Mom was working so my dad came
>Had been a few weeks after grandpa died and work had been tough so he had been a bit more angry for some time
>Was near crapping myself the entire time
>Teacher was this fat unlikeable person who hated me
>Talks about how for the past few months I haven't been doing homework and have been failing tests

The day I caused the death of crayfish and our dog

>Be 8 or 9
>Catch crayfish with family
>Dad explains which one is a female and a male
>Convince parents to keep them, set up a fish tank with shallow water and rocks
>They smell awful. Get bored of them after a few days
>One day, home alone, I stare at them
>I feel threatened by the male one, feel I need to save the female one, feel she'll love me forever if I save her.

Awkward customer situations – The flying box

>so I was a broke 16y/o pothead years ago
>I took the first job available to satisfy my need for weed and them pills
>end up in a crappy transport company job
>actually maybe the worst branch
>the guys who have to truck loads of news-papers to shops at 5am.
>I used to be some running boy who tossed the papers to the storeowners, while some dude drove me around in his small truck.
>of course they also used to deliver usual stuff to private households
>so one day I end up carrying a heavy box to the 8th level of some run down building at 6a.m.

Psychiatric ward stories - Michael "Stone Cold" Jackson

>me, 24, working at hospital
>mostly spend time cleaning god awful messes left by patients
>in psych ward one day
>new loony patient comes in
>find out he murdered his wife
>supposedly stabbed her 26 times
>he then cut off his right hand and ear
>supposedly he's insane and somewhat retarded/autist
>realize i have to meet this man
>doesn't take long, the second night he was there he crapped all over his bed, and apparently "assaulted" a nurse

So you think YOU had a bad day?

>be me
>gf and parents are going out of the country
>anon, can you let our dog out once a day
>yes, I can
>they leave for costa rica
>I go to work
>work overtime
>tired as hell
>go home take shower

300 lbs of justice

>Be fat guy in gym
>No srsly 300 lb fat person
>Little jerk starts kicking girl with leg brace
>Coaches do nothing as he kicks her again
>her friend comes over, he punches her
>white knight mode activated
>"Hey man, eff off"
>He starts punching me, can't land a hit on him.

The legacy of locker 100

>senior year
>private school
>lockers 1-49 mostly belong to males
>51-120 are for females/late transfer students
>school makes us buy our own locks
>guy starts school late and gets Locker 100
>surrounded by girls and never uses locker except as lunch storage
>a few of us become bros with him
>often mooches our leftovers at lunch and rarely eats his own food

Streaking at year end assembly

>be me
>year end assembly
>friend jokes about going streaking at it
>we make some jokes then it dawns on me, this will be my thing
>me and two buddies make plans on how to do it.
>So buddy has a big cargo van, perfect place to get into my gear
>parking lot has two doors that lead right to the cafegymatorium
>entire school of 2000 students in there watching crappy bands and skits going on
>I strip down, put pantyhose over my face to conceal identity.

I can still eat that - McDonald’s edition

>be five
>mom was putting herself through uni
>dad worked graveyard shifts to make ends meet in a warehouse
>sister and I ate a ton of fast food, McDoland's in particular when times got rough
>lived on a mountain, drove up and downhill a lot
>cliff on the side that goes uphill
>I'm in the back seat
>sister and father in the front seats, him driving
>they hear rustling, happy humming, chewing, and smacking

The story about when I found my dad’s magazines as a child

>Be 6 or 7ish
>Siblings still in diapers.
>Share a room with my brother
>Wake up in the middle of the night, have to pee
>Go into the bathroom and get ready to pee
>Out of the blue think about diapers
>Look under the sink and find some, but also see a magazine rolled up sitting on the pipes that lead to the faucets.

My brother’s hilarious Skype protocols

>my brother always talks to some stupid kids on skype
>lol wonder what they talk about
>he also had some relationship on facebook with some chick that lived in a different state
>go on his skype
>start reading
>he talks to like rando chicks in other countries
>ps he is a fat jerk, never showers or shaved, like a stereotypical basement dweller neckbeard

I’m an evil mastermind

>grade 9, just starting to explore internet
>find out bout h4x
>keylogger seems cool
>stupid fat kid chilled with the group of people we didn’t like
>perfect test subject
>me and friend decide to keylog him
>i get him to run it
>mission accomplished moving onto next objective
>find nothing really, until we come to msn

The Fap Bandit – part 3

>Ok so it's been about a month since the last incident
>The schools in the area have changed semesters so there's a new rotation except for the kids in full year co-op
>The Fap Bandit is in full year co-op. Even worse, it seems as though he has recruited a bunch of his tard friends.
>It turns out the Fap Bandit would follow E whenever he went to the bathroom, so E stopped taking dumps at work.

The Fap Bandit – part 2

>Later that week get another text from E
>Apparently the Fap Bandit has followed E up on his break this time. E tried to hold it in but it was not meant to be.
>Gave in to the need and tried to take the fastest dump of his life
>Halfway through, the Fap Bandit returns
>BOOM door kicked open, the mumbling resumes and he picks the stall right beside E

The Fap Bandit – part 1

>It was the beginning of last year and my buddy (we'll call him 'E') worked as a baker at this local grocery store.
>This grocery store hires a bunch of tards from local high schools for co-op programs
>E works with them consistently
>One day get a text out of the blue
>WTF is wrong dude?

I made a neckbeard quit school and become gay

>freshman year
>myspace is a pretty big thing by now
>There is a neckbeard in my grade
>I'm talking epitome of neckbeard
>Fat, played excess video games, couldn't talk to girls to save his life, had patchy facial hair on his sideburns and his second chin, actually wore a fedora
>Kid was also awkward and couldn't pick up on anything
>Friends and I start talking about making a fake myspace and acting as a hot chick who actually like him

Stupid idea involving pills and a butt after a weekend bender

>be on weekend bender
>sunday morning about 11am, everyone is wrecked
>house looks like Jessies from BB during dark period
>starting to come down
>one guy in room complains about sore stomach from doing loads of pills, but is egged on to drop again by the rest of them
>one of them suggests he join the "brown town gang"
>guy shoves pill up his rear in front of me in the living room

Shroom and love fueled rampage

>be freshman in college
>come back to campus Sunday night after spending a weekend at home
>chilling with friends and one other guy (who shall be named Carlos)
>smoking a bit
>Carlos is kind of down because he got rejected by some grill earlier
>get him some shrooms from the guy down the hall that grows them under his bed
>Carlos takes bout 2gs of shrooms

Mexican standoff at college party

>be in Whittier
>College party with some friends
>Packed house, tons of mexicans showing up
>People getting nervous.
>Guns are on tables, mexicans doing coke on the tables.
>Owner of the house comes in and sees this
>Marine, just got back from a tour

Stupid things you did as a child – Wormschwitz

>Be me ~5 years old
>In backyard, digging for worms for whatever reason
>Get idea to put all the worms in my large plastic truck I got last Christmas
>Soon enough the entire truck was filled with worms
>Not yet satisfied I decided to take it 1 step further, so I filled the entire truck with water
>It was a holocaust, not a single worm made it out of the wet pits of death

Stupid things you did as a child – The Japanese Korean

>when i was in the third grade i wanted to be Japanese
>i thought i was so cool because i told my friends and teachers i was Japanese
>my parents are both white so all the adults knew i was lying
>kids thought i was really Japanese though
>i would bow to my friends and speak "Japanese" to them
>it was really closer to "shing hi nong jin chim kung jiao som nok bang" or whatever gibberish i could fabricate

Stupid things you did as a child – The poop jumper

when i was in the fourth and fifth grade i thought i was a super edgy.

>i got a razor scooter for chistmas and acted like having a razor scooter made me bigger than jesus
>learn how to bunny hop curb
>learn how to wheelie
>learn how to bunny hop into wheelie
>lean how to wheelie into bunny hop
>found a trowel in my garage and used it to scoop up dog poop

Stupid things you did as a child - Why it is bad to eat strings

>be closer the 7 or 8
>had a throw blanket that was on couch that was made out of string
>like string crossed over string that could be pulled apart by a loose end
>i got in the habit of pulling a long piece of string out and eating it
>whenever i'd watch tv, i'd eat on or two long pieces of string
>eventually have to poop

Collab – Boot camp stories

>be crucible
>be across from ultimate faggot recruit
>he is falling asleep STANDING up
>DI notices.
>DI simply starts telling us a story of the elusive North Carolina grizzly bare and how it only comes out at dark and is known to take recruits.
>turns lights off and leaves
>we lay down for bed in the crucible shack for like 2 hours

Boot camp stories - Ding Dong Osama’s gone

>be me
>be in basic when Osama got whacked.
>on fire guard mopping halls
>DI out of left field, luckily I had just woken up from my power nap
>like 2 or 3 in the morning

Collab – How the Internet has ruined you

>I'd still be a christian if it werent for the internet. I'd say the internet worked in my favor >My sister just had a daughter, named her chloe... >I just wanted to be a good student, and use my free time for reading lots of books, and practicing music. Instead I've been browsing the internet and downloading music and movies and fapping to porn for 10 years... my life went down the drain. >Anytime I see a woman I consider like, a 5/10 or better, I automatically and uncontrollably assume she has a penis, until otherwise proven

BestBuy stories – They just love to sell you useless Apple products

Every time I see a girl at BestBuy trying to help, I walk away. They will always try to sell you a Mac or are completely retarded to computers. If they say anything about a Mac being a good choice, I walk away. So basically I go to /g/ for help and order online, which is sad.

Stories from BestGreed

>be me
>few years ago
>going in there to get a new desktop
>talking to dude about gaming computers
>sends me to the Macs

BestBuy stories – How is this place still in business?

Every time I go there either a) I can't find what I'm looking for, or b) it's marked up 20% higher than anywhere else.

>be last month
>ready to purchase audio system for car
>Go to BestBuy to demo my choices
>Get to audio department, can't get anything to work
>Thinks aren't hooked up, buttons don't work, buttons turn on wrong thing, etc.
>Look around for help
>Only a few neckbeards and grills on sales floor, already busy with customer talking about The Sims or Iphones or some other pleb crap

BestBuy stories – Take that, Geeksquad!

>Be with friend building new computer
>New case, tower, everything
>Old computer still works, was going to give to me but I decided to just get new graphics card
>Upper class family, dad works for major bank and thus, makes bank
>Decide for lolz to take old PC to Best Buy because another friend said his laptop got messed up there.
>All we do is unplug HDD.
>Take in to Geek Squad

BestBuy stories – The tard, the tard wrangler and the camera

>Retail wageslave femanon here
>work for Future Shop, a Canadian subsidiary of Best Buy
>Work with only guys in an electronics store
>Said guys are jerks and force non-white or homeless looking people to ask me for help
>Tard comes into me store a few weeks ago
>Semi-frequent customer, but avoids my area (cameras)
>Maybe 25-30? Worse is his tard wrangler is a black guy who leaves him under salespeople's care in the store

BestBuy stories – How I got a free computer

>Have friend who works as security clerk at Best Buy
>Tells me how bad security protocol is
>Need new computer
>Walk in, nod at guy watching the front
>Look around for specs I like, talk to some of the people working the floor.
>Say I'll be back with money later

Soccer + meal on porch = trouble

>be 11
>be at family party outside
>little cousin's birthday so there are games everywhere
>be playing soccer alone like the beta retard I was
>rest of family eating outside in porch
>trying to get all the adults attention
>"hey guys! check this out!"
>exaggeratedly kick the ball around, full of explosion sound effects and awkward movements
>"oh thats's nice anon"
>damn I’m not getting their attention enough

Creamed my pants in church

>be me 13 i think
>overnight church sleepover cookout thingy
>watching movies with other kidz
>laying on the floor on the blanket beds adults set up
>three girls in front of me
>two are real hot other is butterface
>one is laying on stomach with yoga type sleeping pants showing amazing bum

Collab – Memories you wish you could repress

>Be 4-5 y/o
>not know about masturbation
>no door on bedroom
>share room with sister
>get boner one night
>not know what it is
>get sudden craving to take underwear off
>sneak to sisters drawer
>put on some of her underwear

The parasite roommate

>be me
>living together with bf
>wants to help out his friend who’s a complete idiot
>he just got out of jail for trying to break into a quickie Mart using a 2x4 because he wanted cigarettes. Best part is, he didn't get caught doing it, he turned himself in
>clearly dumb as hell
>bf decided to help him out and let him stay with us until he gets his things together. Totally rent and utility free.
>only condition is he has to actually try and get his stuff together

Violate my Pizza mouth

>be me
>10 year old pricks
>at older cousins house
>kind of a punk but he's older than me so I think he's pretty awesome
>playing derpbox or something I don't really remember
>aunt comes in
>"I made you boys pizza bites dig in"

How to pee and make friends

>be me
>be 11
>be in karate class
>we're in the horse stance, thighs parallel to the ground
>told to hold it for as long as possible
>really had to pee
>sensei was barking at everyone
>didn't want to interrupt him, held it in
>legs start shaking
>oh no

My classmate works as a stripper

>turn 18, senior in high school
>buddies take me to strip club
>didn't really want to go but whatever it's friday
>get to club, cover is $5
>give bouncer a $20 bill
>bouncer doesn't give me change, says the rest is a tip for the girls

Internet romance - How I found the love of my life

>be in HS, senior year
>picking up the fallout from a 5-month period of dating a 8/10 whom I was convinced I loved
>meet cute hispanic goth girl on myspace
> chat for a long time, have crappy dial up connection
>constantly get d/c'd and come back to find she'd gone to bed
>chat on yahoo messenger for the longest time
>be sending each other silly videos and talking about vidiya and such
>she was a HS dropout, lived with her mom and they did maid work for rich old nurses
>prom coming up, ask her if she wanted to go, since I had no date but I wanted to show up.
>she declines.

Friendzoned again

>Be me
>21st Birthday
>New Fedora
>Gonna get my beer on
>Have mom drive me to walmart to get dat booze
>Buy two cases of bud light

If you can’t find a job: read this!

>go to job center thing to get my working permission since I'm only 16
>lots of drug addicted horribly smelling people in queue
>FFW two hours
>get my working permission
>work at office depot organizing storage for minimum wage for my age
>store barely has customers

Why I hate the job centre

>Have to attend a work programme meeting
>Called money matters
>2 hour bus journey to the offices
>get off the bus
>5 min walk from bus stop to the place i need to be
>suddenly massive rainstorm out of nowhere
>get drenched down to my boxer shorts and socks

To take revenge I sent a necklace into space

>Broke up with gf in October because she was psychotic with family problems and was pressuring me to marry her and have kids
>At 21
>Also found out she was cheating but tried making me seem bad because I didn't spend all my time with her
>I spent any time I had not at work with her
>At one point cut herself while we were dating because I was with my bro and a few friends for his birthday
>She also did again after we broke up
>For awhile all she did was rant on facebook about me

Revenge stories – Lesbian vs. toilet paper

>live with 2 lesbians
>one is a huge idiot that acts like she's 5
>complains about EVERYTHING to do with me and accuses me of trying to hook up with her "wife"
>eventually retreat to ONLY use my room and the bathroom
>wear headphones whenever outside either
>still complains about me "using all the tp"
>I crap when I'm at work, wut?

Teached girlfriend's dogs wrong names

>be me a stupid pot head.
>a year ago today
>my 7/10 girlfriend saves up for 2 years to get two AKC registered Siberian husky puppies.
>delivery day is here, and I am stoned
>6 week old puppies arrive at house. She names the boy Jojo and the girl Kikki.
>Jojo learns his name instantly Kikki not so much.