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Showing posts from January, 2014

DayZ stories – Russian elite sniper

>Play in a DayZ RP group
>Be a Native Russian, so I sort of get pushed into acting as a "guide" for the group team I get put in
>Not supposed to be a fighter, so they stick me with all the mic. Crap
>Get handed a Mosin M91
>Find a PU scope
>Don't tell anyone, save it for when the time is right

Why there are no riots in the US

>wake up
>eat mcdonalds
>watch kim kardashian on tv
>stroll through my enormous house towards the american style refrigerator
>get a can of coca cola
>delicious corn syrup i love it and consume it every day yum

Skyrim stories – grand theft failed

>be playing skyrim
>dragon attacks village I happen to be traveling through
>kill it, but panicked screaming from the villagers never stops
>suddenly they all decide to leave town while screaming
>never see any of them again
>loot the village for everything

Feminazi accuses me of sexual abuse

so this happened to me a few weeks ago.

> been married about 6 months now
> meet up with old buddy and his new gf
> haven't seen him for a year or so
> never met this hippie skank
> general chatting and drinking
> talk about the wedding

Stories from my weird beta family

My family was /b/ as hell.

>Mom was 42 year old morbidly obese virgin
>She collected things shaped like hands for some reason
>Dad was 31 year old neckbeard
>Spent the '80s smuggling bootleg anime into England during the video-nasties era
>Not a virgin since he did it with some dude in an Amsterdam youth hostel (Didn't find out until I was well into my teens)
>They met at a science fiction convention in early 90's

Free food and an angry fat lady

>be having breakfast w/ roommate in restaurant
>nice and quiet eggs and baccie breakie
>restaurant is pretty dead, only a few tables
>start noticing noises outside
>someone's causing a ruckus
>ruckus gets closer
>oh great it's a big family

Humiliated small dong stories – Is it in yet?

My story is one moment in my life where my betaness turned to straight up alpha > Be me
> highschool
> girl comes over and we get to it in my basement
> saying I was her first to anyone who knew her would make them die of laughter
> take out my dong

Life sucks stories – Nobody gives me a fair chance

>28
>come from family of alcoholics, both parents abusive
>always try to do my best at school, because otherwise my dad would beat the living crap out of me
>younger brother with antisocial personality, tried to kill me twice
>all of this became more or less managable when I beat them both up badly when I was 16

This has to be one of the most beta guys ever

ask a 26 yo virgin with a 2 yo daughter anything
i suppose the explanation would help

> always been socially awkward
> in love with my best friend since uni
> she treats me like a brother
> 3 years ago she got knocked up by a worthless douchebag
> he runs off

GTA V changed my life

>Be me
>been waiting for ages now
>watching trailers over and over again
>bored waiting
>the day final comes and my copy of gta v arrives
>don't waste any time and start on a marathon

Awkward customer situations – kosher salt is not best salt

Just happened over the holidays, not so much rage-inducing as it was creepy and incredibly intense.

> Pickup job at Wal-Mart during the holidays
> Sometime around 2-3 in the morning, stocking shelves
> Family appears behind me, never hear them coming, basically materialized in need of assistance.
> Father, mother, little girl and baby
> Fully dressed in nice clothes
> Well-groomed
> All drinking coffee (minus the baby)

The haunting tard

>Be in public school
>Be in ninth grade
>Math class near the end of the day is located across from tard classroom.
>You can tell by the smell of crap, vomit, and lack of personal hygiene.
>Every day the same fat tard, let's call him tommy, will open the door and scream.

How to not toilet train a cat

>have to take a dump outrageously bad >cat’s in the bathroom, won’t leave >the turtling has begun >can’t wait any longer >sorry cat, you should have taken heed of my warning

I hate beer farts

How was your weekend /b/?
>last night >hit the bars with a few friends after having a curry >see girl I’ve banged quite a few times before, we’re good friends >make out >end of night, pretty drunk >get phonecall from her

Did one guy in the butt just to prove I would

First, I was combat medic before getting out and going nursing.
>every weekend get woken up at o-god-thirty to give some drunk an IV to keep them outta the hospital and outta an Article 15 >get sick of it >especially since most of them are females >post sign on door saying if I’m woken up after 0100 to perform an IV, my payment will be buttsex with the patient

Kitty litter saved my night

>Meet GF's parents for the first time
>They live in a rural area, her dad is a big outdoorsy man, her mom is very traditional, but they are very nice people
>I'm sort of a picky eater, don't care for onions and i don't like mushrooms at all (they also upset my stomach for some reason)
>When we get there, her mom had prepared her special casserole for dinner.

How to cheat successfully

>be me, 14. relative academic tryhard.
>9th grade science teacher assigns lab report to be completed during christmas break (wtf?)
>make no effort to do the assignment
>first day back after xmas break, time to turn in the lab report.
>my table of four passes reports to the middle (except me).

Clever girlfriend and clueless mom

>be 17
>gf over while mom's home, kind of crap but ok
>"anon, i'm going to the store for a while, want anything?"
>the opportunity has struck
>the minute mom pulls out of driveway me and my gf are peeling off various articles of clothing
>my gf is a screamer, so she was at full force

Masturbation done right

>be 10
>recently watched there’s something about mary
>learnt what masturbation was from that scene before he goes on a date with mary
>didn’t actually learn only learnt the sound it makes
>have a ZOO magazine under my mattress for safe keeping
>begin trying to recreate the noise

High school chicks

>be me
>be last year of h-school
>ultimate loner
>decide to mess around with school so i can be remembered
>public school in the middle of nowhere which i live close to
>get living chickens

Wolf of Wall Street in 30 seconds

ok /b/ I'm in some trouble and I need your help

>be 22
>start up my own stock firm
>hire pot dealers to work for me
>teach them how to defraud investors
>start making a ton of money
>having the time of my life

Travel to Canada, exchange Dollars to funny money

>work in retail store in Canada
>American family walks in
>I can tell because all they talk about is how weird Canada is
>17 y/o daughter wants to buy some $10 thing, mom gives her $100 american
>she hands it to me, I state that our store policy says we can only accept $20 bills and under from America

Awkward customer situations – moving products to save $4.50

>working retail back in high school
>tidying up stationery department during open hours
>only people in area at the time is some middle aged woman and her young daughter
>woman walks through every aisle before going back to one she was already in
>bends down to look at product (I think it was a pencil case) on bottom shelf
>picks it up to look closer at it

Skyrim greentexts - the dragonborn is a jerk

who wants to hear some skyrim greentexts? i start.

>be a merchant in the trade district of Whiterun
>pretty good business
>lots of weapons, pelts, meats and other stuff for sale
>one day this guy comes in my store
>being the merchant I am I open up with a line I use everytime

Skyrim stories – Don’t mess with Hadvar

>Playing skyrim
>heard about this sweet-ass glitch in the tutorial of the game
>learn you can attack hadvar for massive skill gains
((or however you spell his name))
>spend 2 hours maxing out one-handed, two-handed, stealth, and destruction skills
>hell yeah gonna kick skyrims ass!

Cake stories – penis atop a waterfall

>guy comes in. It’s a big elaborate stag night. He’s obviously rich and none of it’s his own. >Rich daddy types. >Can almost smell the semen in their stubble. >”Hello there. I’d like to order a rather elaborate cake.” >”Very well, Sir, have you got an idea for what you’d like?” >”Do you have a notepad?”

Cake stories – Bu-cakey

>At work one day. Izzy (boss) and I are drinking the brandy meant for the cakes. >it’s a slow day and we’re just waiting for the cakes to bake >Off the cuff say “You know what would be a good idea?” >”What, Anon?” >”if we like, made a cake of someone’s face and then just splatter it with cream.” >”Like a bukkake?”

Cake stories – Cake in butt

>So a man comes in, he looks sheepish, business type. Always pushing his glasses up. >Orders the longest penis we have. It was comical in that way that it wasn’t really that thick. We do big novelty sized ones for parties and stuff, but nothing like this. It was 18 inches long. >My god. We’ve created a monster. >Izzy looks at me, “Anon, I think this thing should be exorcised before we give it to the guy”

Cake stories – A cake is not a sex toy

>Woman comes in. About 38 years old, total milf vibe but looks a little bit dumb. >”I want a more realistic penis cake, not one of those comical giant ones.” >”Okay then, have you decided on its length, girth, color, and so on?” >”8 inches, pretty thick I guess and white and I want it cut”

Cake stories – Man train

>guy comes in >OBVIOUS /b/tard >He’s about three more keks away from just buying a trench coat >”I… I want one of you, uh… spatiality cakes…” >”Alright then sir, what is it you’d like?”

Cake stories – Goatse cake

>”Hi, I’d like to order a specialty cake” >”Ok Sir, and have you decided on what you’d like? >”I can’t really explain it… It’s like… This guy, and his hands are pulling apart an ungodly dimension within all of us” >”How do you mean?”

Cake stories – Star Wars

>Big Star Wars nerd comes in. I mean big in all senses >mouth breather, neckbeard, partly human, partly cheeto >”I want a cake based on Star Wars”

Cake stories – The butt cake

>Ero bakery guy again >Man orders giant ass cake for stag/bachelor party >calls up >”the cake has the wrong filling. I asked for jam AND cream, not just cream”

Mentally challenged dishwasher

>Senior year in high school >accidentally put into home economics class, had to wait out >sit with a tard and three Mexican girls who mind their own business, speak Spanish to each other each day (it’s Texas) >weird assignment, where one of us has to spoon-feed somebody with a blindfold and guess what it is

Hilarious way of killing oneself

>be at my house >parents are out for weekend >have all my friends over and smoke some weed and get drunk >little brother is a pal, doesn’t tell on us >about an hour into our session, friend picks up a peculiar brown small cardboard cylinder that was lying around and prepares it

Just reading this hurts

wet dream/circumcision story time...

>Think i was 19 at the time
>Did it rough with my girlfriend
>Led to a small cut on my frenulum
>This in turn lead to complications pulling back the foreskin
>Having visited my doctor he advised either a cream or circumcision.
>I opted for the cut

Awkward customer situations – Japanese like cool guys

> Work in supermarket
> also work in Japan from time to time so i know some Japanese
> Japanese couple walk up to me and ask me where the bread section is in halting English with a heavy accent.
> tell them its in the back and point them in the right direction

Awkward customer situations – those little red things

I work at a fancy good food supermarket in the netherlands.

>filling shelves
>old tart of a woman comes up to me
>U AN 'EALTH STORE RIGHT? (somewhat free translation but exactly what she said)
>well we sell healthy products, yes
>IM LOKKING FOR THOSE LITTLE RED THINGS

Awkward customer situations – the Russian lady who wanted to kill us

Used to work at a place delivering and collecting furniture at peoples homes. Hope you guys'll enjoy this gem.

>Delivering a bunk bed to this huge old school Russian woman with her son.
>All over the shop + at checkout we make it clear that putting it together costs extra.
>She hasn't paid for it to be put together.
>Get there take everything inside get her to sign the paper work.
>Turn to walk out.
>"HEY! YOU NOT PUT TOGETHER?"

Awkward customer situations – Too big TV, too small BMW

>Working in a Warehouse for a Electronics store.
>Moron Customer comes to back dock to retrieve 65'' TV he just bought.
>See he is in a small BMW.
>Tell him TV isn't going to fit in any way possible.
>He kicks up a stink and tells us (other Storeman and Floor Manager) to un-package it and see if it fits.

Collab – unpopular opinions

>The whole Star Wars series is crap
>Firefly is stupid
>Diablo 3 is a good game, people just wanted Diablo 2 with enhanced graphics
>World of Warcraft actually got better with each expansion pack
>Tartar is delicious >Doctor Who is pretty bad >most of american people are deprived of all culture form. (unless sport of course)

I just invented a new kind of porn

Is there a TSA genre of porn?
Like,
>guy goes up to the airport security,
>female TSA agent says "Sir, I think you may have a concealed weapon"
>70s porn music starts
>She strip searches him in a cheesey porn way

Collab - Things you think only you do – part 2

>Can't pee at urinals.
>Discard stems and yolk when eating eggs and broccoli.
>Always pee directly on to feet while showering.
>Always shower after crapping.
>Gently pet my cat in the evenings while softly calling it the most vulgar and crude of names.

My girlfriend the killer

>We've been hooking up for a while now
>Learn about how she moved from florida when she was 16 to northeast
>Lived in bad area near miami, told me there were gangs there and whatnot
>"Yup makes sense"

Bad advice from 4chan to bang a hooker

/b/ damn you
This is the last time I take your advice. I'm OP from a thread last week where I said I'm 23 and a virgin. You guys convinced me to go bang a hooker and here's what happened
>Living in Michigan
>Go to shady part of Detroit
>Shady part is like 80% of Detroit so I'm really just on some random street

How to break a man – part 7

>One the eve of 2014
>This stupid wrench thinking of herself
>After all i did for her
>I couldn't just take it
>Felt like a wounded animal once again
>All of my protective scales that i have carefully grown during the years

How to break a man – part 6

>We didn't have sex that night, just cuddling and such
>Though her rubbing her butt against my boner was a bit of an evil trick, she said that if i had tried to have sex with her with that night, she would've had kicked my ass out of the cozy bed on the floor
>Glad i didn't try anything
>But after i left, we were close to each other
>Talked day and night

How to break a man – part 5

>As we arrive, her bro takes a leave with his friend to someplace
>The bigass house of Helena's parents is empty
>We go straight to the kitchen, fix us something to chow
>Some damn good lasagna, that i didn't want to eat at first
>She then took a bigass plate for herself and placed a ton of that stuff on it
>I took a can of pepsi and drank it while she ate

How to break a man – part 4

>Helena ain't doing that better either, although she said that she'll kick my ass on the bowling-alley
>The amazon is just butchering the game, ends up 2nd in the group-score
>She's visibly drunk
>Cold as steel them nerves she got
>I'm probably 10th or so
>Helena lost to me by 1 point

How to break a man – part 3

>During the train trip she tells me that she's nervous, excited and scared of how i'll react to her and how i'm going to confront her etc. etc.
>"Just be yourself. I won't judge you or watch you wrongfully."
>All the time she just can't take it easy
>And i'm having fun with it, that i'm sure to scare her by sneaking behind her and do something that'll get her for sure
>But i never did that

How to break a man – part 2

>The day came when she probably argued with her man the last time
>She wanted a divorce and move out, but never got the guts to do it
>Neither she did know where to go, because of her bad relationship to her parents
>She had no options to leave, although she wanted.
>Her ties are deeply in that mans hands and breaking free ain't easy

How to break a man – part 1

So /b/...

this happened to me during the last few months, it ended just before the new year's eve...
I'm probably going to tell the whole story, how it all happened, how it all went, detail by detail.
I'll try to sum it up to something smaller, but i have so much to tell...
This won't be a walk the dinosaur or any kinda other kinda trick, just honest truth.
I've got no-one to talk to about my feelings and you guys always love a story, maybe there's even someone out there who had the same kinda stuff happen to them.
I hope you read this...
So here goes...

Tricky sexy chick

>Be me
>Be 19
>Be Christmas time
>Be at grocery store
>Have to shop big due to friends and family are coming overs so lots and lots of money is spent on this shopping trip
>Be at checkout line

Came into my dog’s mouth and mom saw it

>be me talking in the phone at 12:00 outside my house
>talking to my gf on the phone
>start to get kinky on the phone
>she stars telling me how good she wants to suck me
>my hormones go around crazy but I decide not to masturbate >le wild female dog appears

A girl rubbed my dong in Starbucks

> in Starbucks at table drinking coffee
> wang already out
> getting those strange looks from random people that I love.
> young girl comes to me laughing and points at me
> pretend to be embarrassed and run to bathroom

Girlfriend punched a religious nutjob

>gf and I walking home with groceries at 9pm
>me: normal/10 dude. her: bright red hair and nice dress (18/10 by my standard)
>talking about what we'll have for dinner
>allofthesudden a station wagon rolls up
>lady inside asks us to stop
>we live in Australia, no muggings or w/e so we stop, curious to see what she wants