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Showing posts from January, 2014

DayZ stories – Russian elite sniper

>Play in a DayZ RP group
>Be a Native Russian, so I sort of get pushed into acting as a "guide" for the group team I get put in
>Not supposed to be a fighter, so they stick me with all the mic. Crap
>Get handed a Mosin M91
>Find a PU scope
>Don't tell anyone, save it for when the time is right

Stories from my weird beta family

My family was /b/ as hell.

>Mom was 42 year old morbidly obese virgin
>She collected things shaped like hands for some reason
>Dad was 31 year old neckbeard
>Spent the '80s smuggling bootleg anime into England during the video-nasties era
>Not a virgin since he did it with some dude in an Amsterdam youth hostel (Didn't find out until I was well into my teens)
>They met at a science fiction convention in early 90's

Free food and an angry fat lady

>be having breakfast w/ roommate in restaurant
>nice and quiet eggs and baccie breakie
>restaurant is pretty dead, only a few tables
>start noticing noises outside
>someone's causing a ruckus
>ruckus gets closer
>oh great it's a big family

Life sucks stories – Nobody gives me a fair chance

>28
>come from family of alcoholics, both parents abusive
>always try to do my best at school, because otherwise my dad would beat the living crap out of me
>younger brother with antisocial personality, tried to kill me twice
>all of this became more or less managable when I beat them both up badly when I was 16

Awkward customer situations – kosher salt is not best salt

Just happened over the holidays, not so much rage-inducing as it was creepy and incredibly intense.

> Pickup job at Wal-Mart during the holidays
> Sometime around 2-3 in the morning, stocking shelves
> Family appears behind me, never hear them coming, basically materialized in need of assistance.
> Father, mother, little girl and baby
> Fully dressed in nice clothes
> Well-groomed
> All drinking coffee (minus the baby)

The haunting tard

>Be in public school
>Be in ninth grade
>Math class near the end of the day is located across from tard classroom.
>You can tell by the smell of crap, vomit, and lack of personal hygiene.
>Every day the same fat tard, let's call him tommy, will open the door and scream.

I hate beer farts

How was your weekend /b/?
>last night >hit the bars with a few friends after having a curry >see girl I’ve banged quite a few times before, we’re good friends >make out >end of night, pretty drunk >get phonecall from her

Did one guy in the butt just to prove I would

First, I was combat medic before getting out and going nursing.
>every weekend get woken up at o-god-thirty to give some drunk an IV to keep them outta the hospital and outta an Article 15 >get sick of it >especially since most of them are females >post sign on door saying if I’m woken up after 0100 to perform an IV, my payment will be buttsex with the patient

Kitty litter saved my night

>Meet GF's parents for the first time
>They live in a rural area, her dad is a big outdoorsy man, her mom is very traditional, but they are very nice people
>I'm sort of a picky eater, don't care for onions and i don't like mushrooms at all (they also upset my stomach for some reason)
>When we get there, her mom had prepared her special casserole for dinner.

How to cheat successfully

>be me, 14. relative academic tryhard.
>9th grade science teacher assigns lab report to be completed during christmas break (wtf?)
>make no effort to do the assignment
>first day back after xmas break, time to turn in the lab report.
>my table of four passes reports to the middle (except me).

Clever girlfriend and clueless mom

>be 17
>gf over while mom's home, kind of crap but ok
>"anon, i'm going to the store for a while, want anything?"
>the opportunity has struck
>the minute mom pulls out of driveway me and my gf are peeling off various articles of clothing
>my gf is a screamer, so she was at full force

Masturbation done right

>be 10
>recently watched there’s something about mary
>learnt what masturbation was from that scene before he goes on a date with mary
>didn’t actually learn only learnt the sound it makes
>have a ZOO magazine under my mattress for safe keeping
>begin trying to recreate the noise

High school chicks

>be me
>be last year of h-school
>ultimate loner
>decide to mess around with school so i can be remembered
>public school in the middle of nowhere which i live close to
>get living chickens

Awkward customer situations – moving products to save $4.50

>working retail back in high school
>tidying up stationery department during open hours
>only people in area at the time is some middle aged woman and her young daughter
>woman walks through every aisle before going back to one she was already in
>bends down to look at product (I think it was a pencil case) on bottom shelf
>picks it up to look closer at it

Skyrim stories – Don’t mess with Hadvar

>Playing skyrim
>heard about this sweet-ass glitch in the tutorial of the game
>learn you can attack hadvar for massive skill gains
((or however you spell his name))
>spend 2 hours maxing out one-handed, two-handed, stealth, and destruction skills
>hell yeah gonna kick skyrims ass!

Cake stories – penis atop a waterfall

>guy comes in. It’s a big elaborate stag night. He’s obviously rich and none of it’s his own. >Rich daddy types. >Can almost smell the semen in their stubble. >”Hello there. I’d like to order a rather elaborate cake.” >”Very well, Sir, have you got an idea for what you’d like?” >”Do you have a notepad?”

Cake stories – Bu-cakey

>At work one day. Izzy (boss) and I are drinking the brandy meant for the cakes. >it’s a slow day and we’re just waiting for the cakes to bake >Off the cuff say “You know what would be a good idea?” >”What, Anon?” >”if we like, made a cake of someone’s face and then just splatter it with cream.” >”Like a bukkake?”

Cake stories – Cake in butt

>So a man comes in, he looks sheepish, business type. Always pushing his glasses up. >Orders the longest penis we have. It was comical in that way that it wasn’t really that thick. We do big novelty sized ones for parties and stuff, but nothing like this. It was 18 inches long. >My god. We’ve created a monster. >Izzy looks at me, “Anon, I think this thing should be exorcised before we give it to the guy”

Cake stories – A cake is not a sex toy

>Woman comes in. About 38 years old, total milf vibe but looks a little bit dumb. >”I want a more realistic penis cake, not one of those comical giant ones.” >”Okay then, have you decided on its length, girth, color, and so on?” >”8 inches, pretty thick I guess and white and I want it cut”

Cake stories – Goatse cake

>”Hi, I’d like to order a specialty cake” >”Ok Sir, and have you decided on what you’d like? >”I can’t really explain it… It’s like… This guy, and his hands are pulling apart an ungodly dimension within all of us” >”How do you mean?”

Mentally challenged dishwasher

>Senior year in high school >accidentally put into home economics class, had to wait out >sit with a tard and three Mexican girls who mind their own business, speak Spanish to each other each day (it’s Texas) >weird assignment, where one of us has to spoon-feed somebody with a blindfold and guess what it is

Hilarious way of killing oneself

>be at my house >parents are out for weekend >have all my friends over and smoke some weed and get drunk >little brother is a pal, doesn’t tell on us >about an hour into our session, friend picks up a peculiar brown small cardboard cylinder that was lying around and prepares it

Just reading this hurts

wet dream/circumcision story time...

>Think i was 19 at the time
>Did it rough with my girlfriend
>Led to a small cut on my frenulum
>This in turn lead to complications pulling back the foreskin
>Having visited my doctor he advised either a cream or circumcision.
>I opted for the cut

Awkward customer situations – the Russian lady who wanted to kill us

Used to work at a place delivering and collecting furniture at peoples homes. Hope you guys'll enjoy this gem.

>Delivering a bunk bed to this huge old school Russian woman with her son.
>All over the shop + at checkout we make it clear that putting it together costs extra.
>She hasn't paid for it to be put together.
>Get there take everything inside get her to sign the paper work.
>Turn to walk out.
>"HEY! YOU NOT PUT TOGETHER?"

Collab – unpopular opinions

>The whole Star Wars series is crap
>Firefly is stupid
>Diablo 3 is a good game, people just wanted Diablo 2 with enhanced graphics
>World of Warcraft actually got better with each expansion pack
>Tartar is delicious >Doctor Who is pretty bad >most of american people are deprived of all culture form. (unless sport of course)

My girlfriend the killer

>We've been hooking up for a while now
>Learn about how she moved from florida when she was 16 to northeast
>Lived in bad area near miami, told me there were gangs there and whatnot
>"Yup makes sense"

Bad advice from 4chan to bang a hooker

/b/ damn you
This is the last time I take your advice. I'm OP from a thread last week where I said I'm 23 and a virgin. You guys convinced me to go bang a hooker and here's what happened
>Living in Michigan
>Go to shady part of Detroit
>Shady part is like 80% of Detroit so I'm really just on some random street

How to break a man – part 6

>We didn't have sex that night, just cuddling and such
>Though her rubbing her butt against my boner was a bit of an evil trick, she said that if i had tried to have sex with her with that night, she would've had kicked my ass out of the cozy bed on the floor
>Glad i didn't try anything
>But after i left, we were close to each other
>Talked day and night

How to break a man – part 5

>As we arrive, her bro takes a leave with his friend to someplace
>The bigass house of Helena's parents is empty
>We go straight to the kitchen, fix us something to chow
>Some damn good lasagna, that i didn't want to eat at first
>She then took a bigass plate for herself and placed a ton of that stuff on it
>I took a can of pepsi and drank it while she ate

How to break a man – part 4

>Helena ain't doing that better either, although she said that she'll kick my ass on the bowling-alley
>The amazon is just butchering the game, ends up 2nd in the group-score
>She's visibly drunk
>Cold as steel them nerves she got
>I'm probably 10th or so
>Helena lost to me by 1 point

How to break a man – part 3

>During the train trip she tells me that she's nervous, excited and scared of how i'll react to her and how i'm going to confront her etc. etc.
>"Just be yourself. I won't judge you or watch you wrongfully."
>All the time she just can't take it easy
>And i'm having fun with it, that i'm sure to scare her by sneaking behind her and do something that'll get her for sure
>But i never did that

How to break a man – part 2

>The day came when she probably argued with her man the last time
>She wanted a divorce and move out, but never got the guts to do it
>Neither she did know where to go, because of her bad relationship to her parents
>She had no options to leave, although she wanted.
>Her ties are deeply in that mans hands and breaking free ain't easy

How to break a man – part 1

So /b/...

this happened to me during the last few months, it ended just before the new year's eve...
I'm probably going to tell the whole story, how it all happened, how it all went, detail by detail.
I'll try to sum it up to something smaller, but i have so much to tell...
This won't be a walk the dinosaur or any kinda other kinda trick, just honest truth.
I've got no-one to talk to about my feelings and you guys always love a story, maybe there's even someone out there who had the same kinda stuff happen to them.
I hope you read this...
So here goes...

Tricky sexy chick

>Be me
>Be 19
>Be Christmas time
>Be at grocery store
>Have to shop big due to friends and family are coming overs so lots and lots of money is spent on this shopping trip
>Be at checkout line

Girlfriend punched a religious nutjob

>gf and I walking home with groceries at 9pm
>me: normal/10 dude. her: bright red hair and nice dress (18/10 by my standard)
>talking about what we'll have for dinner
>allofthesudden a station wagon rolls up
>lady inside asks us to stop
>we live in Australia, no muggings or w/e so we stop, curious to see what she wants